posted June 24, 2014 06:32 PM            

I desire strongly to move "into the direction of" becoming a Certified astrologer. Whether that be the finality of my quest is up to what the Universe has planned. But this is what I want. And I want to be in loving high quality supportive relationships with others-- one to one; and also as a working creative family.

I think it's my Gemmy-ness that 'wants' (tVenus in Gemini now) to 'see' the certificate... Like the end of Wizard of Oz-- a brain, a heart, 'the noyve'!

Bottom line would not be the certificate, but the ability to have higher competence and accuracy.

Each character (Wizard of Oz) individually already possessed what it was they felt was missing. They had to prove it to themselves, and not without having to face great enemies afterwards. But they had a solid intent that together they would dream about what they could do. Oh, not without a few personal meltdowns about their ability to complete their mission. But they would pause on that journey to support each one through it. Even smooth and inspire with making song and dance around it along the way.

As the little team went through their adversities, they 'discovered' something MORE than what they had individually-- what Loving really means. It was a Gift they found Collectively. In giving to each other, they found 'who' they actually were all along in the end.

Something in me feels like it turned a corner recently.... (Hallelujah for the gift of the Universe that brings second chance possibility!!) I want to formally study astrology... It's my fervent "wish." I've been wanting to, and recently decided to commit to that direction. I'm ready inside to meet new people, experience new places and 'try-out' new possibilities.

Uranus Opp Mars, roarrrrr, yeah, bring it ON!!! *scaring myself? LOL! Hey, it's TIME to go it... I'll never know if I CAN if I never try... and I think (from my core) that I legitimately 'could' succeed in a supportive environment. I don't take empty risks... I like to think about 'winning'. It's inner confidence that I (personally) need my self to build, and I would like support doing that. I think I do have what it takes to succeed... With help around limitations I put my intention out.

I have some Neptunian dilemmas as far as 'focusing' my mind~~ (stop laughing, of course you already realize that! I was fighting myself, in denial that 'in some situations' this could limit me. But working around limitations is Possible.

What I HAVE consciously discovered during my time at LL is that when I do something related to my deepest Heart and Caring, then I can even shock my own self. (Maybe that normal for creatives and I just didn't realize it 'for myself'...?) This is where I would like discussion. I'm grateful to people who talk about the inner-experiences of 'what it's like' personally to feel that.

In my life journey right now I need to have the emotional support as I habitually lean towards 'over-think' and wind up overwhelm myself.... Been uncovering wonderful images about very fertile fields that need to come together as a common ground. I've seen my masculine and feminine energies, my inner child and intellect, in that messy middle ground of chaos and mix. It feels vulnerable and unsure where it mixes, but the results of this has brought me remarkable benefit.

We all have masculine and feminine energies that flow inside us. I tend to do the 'masculine' energy default to over intellectualize and rationalize (conquering with data with my mind). I have been terrible to my own 'feminine' energies and tend to suppress and 'overide' feelings.

I need to find my balances... and I realize that I have to widen the middle zone for me. I'm a big romantic creative. With my transits now and solar return chart I need to support my feminine much more than I do... My masculine needs to work "for" my inner feminine and develop it over this next year especially.

(music) If I Only Had a Brain (Wizard of Oz) movie clip [2:41] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nauLgZISozs

(clip) I'm Melting! (Wizard of Oz) [1:56] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aopdD9Cu-So

posted June 30, 2014 07:24 PM            

(music) Windmills of Your Mind (Peter Grant) [3:01] http://www.youtube.com/watch?hl=en&feature=related&v=dLx83xXKmPA&gl=IL

(music) Because You Loved Me (Celine Dione) [4:36] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_r8pDziQKE

(music) I'll Stand By You (Pretenders) Lyrics [3:57] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuWAGT9ZkYE

Some friendships were formed Lifetimes ago... Forever-place in our Hearts

(music) "Loneliness of Evening" (Stuart Damon in Cinderella [2:29] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVjXZTe4mEY

(music) Kiss from a Rose (Seal, BatmanForever) [3:44] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ateQQc-AgEM

(music) You've Got A Friend (James Taylor) lyrics [4:34] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-n2yuwTcmc

Loving Hearts around The World

(music) Somewhere (Barbra Streisand) [4:29] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAu3a7CMA84

(music) People (Barbra Streisand) [3:39] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPlQ6EtArSc

(music) Don't Rain On My Parade (Barbra Streisand, Funny Girl) [2:14] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO3Gb5mkwTc

(music) On A Clear Day (Barbra Streisand) [3:07] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nz5DLO8fclA

posted July 02, 2014 06:29 PM            

My roommate has been on vacation at home, so there's a tv blaring here in the background, but I know there is a grand significance to the transits to my chart right this moment through July 4th and the weeks beyond. I need to write... I need to clarify who I am, what and how I feel. Strange other-worldly communication made very very real. My heart is brimming. My mind had to get reined in a bit... so many things to say, so many approaches to saying it all. And I LOVE the Challenge... embracing and affirming and validating the dream. The transits "are" my chart... realizing this now I weep and weep-- tears of mysterious and known origin. I weep for wonder of the Universe and the (as Edgar Cayce said) 'meeting of Self'-- self to Self to self. Like meeting an astrological Pearly Gate in the Beautiful dark of space within me, living for me, Living in Me. I meet The Beloved on the liminal journey, with the Reality of the Past I've lived till now.

I Serve and I Love with all the force of my Being-- I Love what is holy and humbly assigned to me. I've been strangely asked (in spirit) at various meta-juncture points in my life if I want to continue-- My answer has always defaulted to Yes, Yes Lord. He was always was so Kind, and asked--- and He already knew my Soul's reply.

I resolve, in these next days, to try (in multiple ways) to say what I feel, and what I think, and what I'm afraid of, and what I deeply care about. I face my future... boots on the ground. There are realities, circumstances. Each On-Looker also meets their own holy and unholy challenges. My Life brings Change. I understand that so much more right now through the knowledge that astrology has begun to bring me.

A long time ago, someone relayed that I am like a kitten who appeared in a litter of house-cats. But I was not an ordinary cat... I am more like a mountain lion (or 'big' cat). As the cat grew, one day seated on the sofa with the others, the cat stretched out and yawned-- a powerful roar came forth, not a cute-kitten yeow. It scared people.... The thing is, I watched the others run away in fear. I thought I was something to be "afraid of"... I became terribly afraid of my self! I stuffed all that and thought there is something terribly wrong, based upon the reactions of "others"-- their terror, their disgusts, their striking-out angers and attacks on me. I figured that I needed to go hide myself. There was something others knew that was bad and wrong that I didn't know about my self and I panicked! There was no feedback or an ally alongside who could show me what was real, what was the truth! (The positive, good and wholesome truth to 'balance' and properly place those negatives, formatting it into a non-judgmental objective perspective that could become a wonderful 'tool' for my joy and not self-loathingness). So shocked, so grieved, I mourned and died continually, never recovering. I hid what I didn't know was strength to me, strength 'for' me. (I newly stand on the cusp of this discovery for me right now...). I had learned how to treat me so unkindly-- it was a kind of pre-emptive self-strike, being strict with myself, 'reminding' myself of "just-how" those "others" would be to me if I were to say too much, or live life out-loud in the open with too much bounce, gusto and roar. Reflect. I grew up in the night of my own dark cave, more and more afraid of life, but longing to break free, barely allowing myself to even think that I could--- even in my own private thoughts.

Now I have begun to realize all this, and I begin to dare against all the inhibitions in my surround. The dawn glows in the distance contrasting the black contours of hills against the brightness coming. Another NewDay begins...

t Jupiter Cancer just crossed into the degree for my Jupiter-Return. (n= Cancer 27.23'29" in the Eighth House)

t Saturn Scorpio crossed into the degree of my Second Saturn-rx Scorpio Return (n= Scorpio 16.22'17" rx, in the Eleventh House)

t Mercury now Direct in Gemini soon to revisit the degree of my South Nodes, true and mean, which flank natal Mercury Gemini (n= 27.54'26" in the Seventh House).

t Mercury trines to my Neptune-Urania Libra... There are sooooooo many significant contacts to my chart and points, natal and progressed. I am dazed at the chance to be able to witness this WHOLE phenomenon... I am soooooo grateful, sooooo grateful. Astrology has been the Crescendo! And now.... the long long long fermata. O God, I am so indeed grateful.

(music) The Way He Makes Me Feel (Barbra Streisand) [4:13] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luGvJdexnRs

(music) 2001 Space Odyssey synced with Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings [9:51] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTYxqiTxizU

posted July 05, 2014 03:31 AM            

At least I have the consolation of knowing that they didn't get these letters. I spent almost all afternoon composing the main one. I hope that draft is still IN there when the problem straightens out. Oh no, I just had another thought-- I had the email addresses already in the send-to box. Hope it isn't automatically sent through... Yikes. Oh well.

Probably would be okay if it got sent-- I 'edit' things too much..... then end up deleting. When I started at LL, I saw that my difficulties with self-editing could get in my way. But then there's the times when I notice later how my words were not exactly conveying what I meant, and I want to go back to clarify.

(Oh yeah, I have a 'wordiness' aspect especially with my progressed-Venus in Cancer Conjunct progressed-Mercury Cancer at same degree 24.37'. Wordy. Just Wordy.) Pearlty is my poetry friend over in LL Yellow-Wax. She's a great mod over there, and has encouraged me to 'just say it'... to say what I want to say and to leave it there, as is.

Sometimes I know my writings look haphazard and rough. But if I didn't go ahead and "allow myself" to write imperfectly, I would never get the words across and communicated at all. I can have more polish, but then I sound like a professor. There's a time and place for that. I've heard some people complain about others who don't write formal enough, or improperly, in an unpolished way. Makes me sorta sad, but I will bear the shame instead... Thank god for the EDIT BUTTON.... yay. Gemmy writer, with Virgo Moon, learning how to let go after having stuffed myself into the tiniest spaces. It's quite humbling, actually... to "leave" mistakes in my wake. And boy I can make a 'crop' of them [pun intended].

One small email I wrote earlier today was to correct an area code number. I saw 'the first correction' hadn't been made in the first one I sent. arrgh! My mercury transit in action!! You know, thinking about it, the original email was dated May 26, the day of my personal "Mercury conjunct Mercury." I had worked sooo hard on the previous email I wanted to send that day, and my email account went [b]Poof[/b with it! (I love those descriptive LL vocabulary words~~ they fit!) So I very quickly jotted the ideas from the first and just 'sent' the second one right in time for my pre-retrograde Mercury Conjunct natal Mercury transit.

So today, same email-- I was re-sending it with a note to the same person, and it's gone. Did it Poof, or reach its destination? Will probably try to reach them by phone in a few days-- maybe AFTER Mercury enters Cancer!, to be safe.

"Calling".... I feel really shy (inhibited) about calling people directly. I know, it's strange.... When I get a live voice that answers, I'm shocked. Waiting for the Beep! Yep, this is a Gemmy who longs to communicate but gets all hung up about initiating calls. Not a problem in the business world, just 'personal'.

A long-distance friendship once trained me into conversations that lasted longer than 20 minutes on the phone.... Now I can report that I easily surpass those number of minutes now-- With 'certain' people I've have to play 1-2-3 Hang Up with them. We'd say hello for 10 minutes, then spend the next 2 hours saying goodbye.

But the problem I've had with my 'just picking up the phone and calling' a friend right now is dawning on me. Old fears bubbling up... Strange how things can visit from the past. Issue in process of Healing: Do I 'deserve' to have Friends?... (answer is yes)

Ghost: I was in my earlier to mid-teens, the beginning of a new school year, in a newly built mega-size high school. A few of the girls from school tried to call me at home, and I felt sooo happy to be making new friends. My mother and I had a troubled relationship. My friends tried to call. Twice, she ripped the phone from my ear while I fought her from doing it-- she would grab the phone and "tell" the caller in a loud mean voice that I "didn't deserve friends" then slam the phone while disconnecting the call. Weird. Weird is how I can still feel the awful sting of that incident in my body.

Those girls shunned me, and word got around to other new classmates. The girls did not come and surround me. I would have loved for someone to say, wow, it must be hard having a mom like that~~but we can still get together at school; let's all be friends.

Facing fears. Over the past decades, about a couple times in a year, I will do what I call 'gratefulness' phone calls. I've called up an old teacher to thank them for making a difference in my life. Or I've anonymously called some astrologers who do regular podcasts or vids, or newsletters~~ Just to call them, as a representative audience-person. I'm a voice of someone who appreciates their work but might never call to say that. I've been the phantom who has thanked them, from the core of my heart, for how much value they have contributed to my life through the work they do. Yes, that takes a certain courage. (It might be even more courageous if I'd leave my name!?... But actually, they're probably glad not to feel obligated-- too busy.)

Right now I haven't had the funds to subscribe to people who charge fees to get into their network. It's not that I'm cheap, at all? I've just learned to maximize whatever I've found that has quality to it already. It's not hard for me to recognize potentials that are there. The proof comes over a period of time. My mind and soul seem to figure it out and I make quantum leaps, in learning, and in growing as a person.

There are still more people I'd like to thank... especially overseas. But I imagine that to be harder to do personally. In the spirit, I send them all my love and appreciation for being such a Blessing to my life.

You all could never know how MUCH your works help me. Thank you for keeping them available to the general public. It's kept me alive. With encouragement I'm making my way out of devastations, and amazed to find that I survived it~~ standing. Transiting Jupiter Cancer is still in the degree of my natal Jupiter.... I feel alive and amazed.

Transiting Saturn Scorpio is in the degree of my Saturn, which oppose my Venus Taurus 5th by a few degrees. My Venus wants to make friends. I recall reading that Saturn Opp Venus is an aspect of 'unrequited' love. I have also read that Saturn may 'delay' but later in life will bring reward.

I want that. I want that very much. I am a loyal, kind, and enthusiastic deep friend. I ask the Universe to Heal me now... I pray for the Friends I haven't met yet, and the ones I've known. Time to re-new. Time to Live Life once again. New life. But this time, I'm learning to make sure I "include" my self in the formula of loving others... as peer, and equal. (NN Sag 1st). My gift is my Self.

True Value ...

posted July 05, 2014 03:50 AM            

(music) Suzanne (Leonard Cohen) [4:44] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIssqxixYp0

(music) I Love you More than you'll ever Know [4:28] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ws1V3Bl1r4

posted July 06, 2014 06:33 PM            

(music) Rachel Potter proves her point "Somebody to Love" by Queen, X-FACTOR USA 2013 [7:28] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq0h_0PwnGE

^ "...Honey, what's the point of being a Spring Chicken, when you can be a Fine Wine!?"

posted July 06, 2014 06:43 PM            

They live down in Santa Maria, even to this day!

Pretty common name, though.

posted July 07, 2014 01:21 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by mirage29:
^ Randall, I saw your little Dude dancing it up, and it brought my smile back. Feeling a little sad right now. Don't know what my tommorows will bring. Is it worth the blind risk?

(music) Rachel Potter proves her point "Somebody to Love" by Queen, X-FACTOR USA 2013 [7:28] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq0h_0PwnGE

^ "...Honey, what's the point of being a Spring Chicken, when you can be a Fine Wine!?"

---

posted July 07, 2014 02:15 PM            

(music) Hold On My Heart (Genesis) [4:32] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4R1vJZAO7P8

posted July 08, 2014 12:35 AM            

quote:

---

Calling".... I feel really shy (inhibited) about calling people directly. I know, it's strange.... When I get a live voice that answers, I'm shocked. Waiting for the Beep! Yep, this is a Gemmy who longs to communicate but gets all hung up about initiating calls. Not a problem in the business world, just 'personal'.

---

Me too.

I can do it in an emergency, and I thought about doing it when my internet was out today, but it's difficult for me.

I haven't given my number out enough times to even remember it myself yet, so if someone calls, I pretty much know who it is.

posted July 08, 2014 01:50 PM            

So strange, isn't it? To be so isolated in virtual worlds full of companionships! We are real people living in a metaphysical world inside. Like being in a twilight-zone episode... We're not using a voice-box, but moving energies with our fingers over the keyboards.

Losing our internet connections would be like losing a vital connection-- worse than having no phone (at least for me!). But then, without a phone, how can we call the internet company to tell them when something's gone terribly wrong! Virtual Friends might assume other things, and would never really know for sure what happened...

posted July 08, 2014 02:14 PM            

Oh my.

posted July 08, 2014 02:19 PM            

With Frozen Blueberries in Vanilla Bean Tillamook Yogurt.

And half a Banana.

It was Awful.

posted July 09, 2014 03:14 AM            

Today had its ups and downs. Got a whole lot clearer on some basic things. I can "see" now how I misinterpreted certain comments that were made for public general and not me directly. Yes, I took some chances, reached out to ask, and found me to be in grievous error... too many. I thought my own life was getting a comeback after all these terrible years of working and pushing and trying to work everything out. What I have left are realizations of how broken and limited I am... as opposed to how strong I feel that I could have contributed 'something' to people. What I gained (and it IS a big gain) is a gentle explanation as to 'why' things cannot work successfully for me. That's important information. Not every dream, not every Ideal, was engineered to "really" come true...

The glory of studying Evolution in the chart. I'd had a strong momentum going, then I found out how strong the kryptonite is with my 8th House. I NEVER ever wanted to hurt anybody. No matter what I want, or do, I get to a certain point of success and then it shatters. My chart 'forces' me to want to progress, to Quest; I, as a human, am put in the risky position of absolutely needing to rely on others, who willfully use then reject and betray. Transformation-karma. Psychological-emotional growth. From every encounter--- in a way it makes me feel that I ruin everything I touch. And I'm expected to make no demands, have no needs-- just 'give' with no taking in the exchange. I'm supposed to (demanded to) 'do it all' totally by myself, AND concurrently am inserted into circumstance to trap and say 'o no, you're not!'... Not able without relying on people, and the people won't let you rely or expect any help. The curse of double-messages, of conflicted souls. Of the test of my own worth, own value and power. It's only for me... Between my own Soul and me. I can 'feel' the awesome swirls of power of currents around me as I pause to stop in my tracks and think about this for a while. Some people think label me a flake maybe, and never think that I DO 'feel' and wait patiently, but then deal very concretely with what appears in my 'own' solo reality.

When you can't, the reality is that you can't. Dreams? Dreams to be brought to pass?...no, that fertile dream-baby came in as a breech, and I didn't know that I was alone there, and I never realized what I was seeing was merely my own mirage. A real person, in unexpect Place.

Guess those kinds of things happen to some lives.... Thought is that there's nothing else for me to do or say now, but keep on singing my songs till the crowds disperse and the music stops? No. No, because I was born with a song-everlasting and ALWAYS in my Heart. Even if no one else cared to listened there was always God's own care for me... His Ways are Higher than my ways, His Thoughts more encompassing than my thoughts.

God, The Center of All That Is... lives in the breeze, in the earth, in the motion around me, on the horizon where the trees met the sky.... always with me whether or not I felt or knew. He was my support, in the experience of living a solitary existence among people I grew to love.

So... I guess that made me luckier than most, that in spite of the life goals and dream that just kept eluding me, I was Cared For in my Soul, by the Universe always aware of It's Highest Intentions for me.

As a sentient hidden human heart, I need to keep Believing in Something as I encounter every certain hard reality moment as they come. Putting things in perspective~~~ remembering...

(music) Gloria! (Laura Branigan, 1982) [3:48] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=355Fk8drgZE

posted July 09, 2014 04:26 PM            

Come what may, I myself can never, ever, ever, ever, ever give up working on the dream. Not give up, on the dreams that have actual capacity, palpable presence, of becoming something real and true-- for myself, and for the dreams of countless others that I am invisibly and unknowingly Connected to. I owe it to my self, and owe it to others to keep on going...

Desiring and pursuing a Future... We Will Dream those Dreams We Have for the Benefit of All Until every Higher Purpose becomes Realized in our lives!

Never lie about The Dream...

(music) I Would Do Anything For Love (Meatloaf) lyrics [5:23] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UduIKlGJFsU

posted July 09, 2014 05:54 PM            

Living, Loving, Growing! Learning more, about 'me'

(music) Killing Me Softly (Roberta Flack) [4:51] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAlGSZhMLLQ

Added, Thursday, July 10, 2014 around 5:14pm edt

Crazy-Beautiful Beautiful... !
You can't imagine how much I love the synchronicity! As I've "listened" and considered the views of a variety of my Favorite commenters, I've discovered something that is most-valuable! I sense my own Self synergizing and adding 'interest' from my own inner vaults of very rich and full Life-experiences. These are the things I didn't realize that I already have inside of me. It's there, hidden wealth that I was not tallying in as part of 'what I possess' and have to offer.

(Ooooo, ~like Fireworks-Astrology Moments!! *panting* Second-Eighth Axis! wahhoooo for getting it into 'words' for this gemmy! *slaps palm to forehead*, GENTLY of course~~ This has been going on a LOT lately, repeating and repeating until it sinks in, then needs to do it over again because I NEEDED that!~~ oh, and I have a sense that I'm STILL barely touching the surface of it* Needs to go down to the depths and bottom of my roots! ... so grateful!!{{ }}

I really do have my Own Contribution to make... I Serve with all the intense fire of Beauty of Experience, Loving, and Intimacy of Being, as a mere unlikely-looking individual in this sphere

(music) Paint With All The Colors Of The Wind (Pocahontas, from Disney) [3:30] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMZaf5atULw