posted June 17, 2016 03:27 PM
...(music) Dust In The Wind (Kansas, lyrics) [3:30] (url moved to bottom of page)
...unable to move, because of Reality;
fight-fright-freezes,
not knowing 'what' to do,
BUT..... always, looking forward.....
Going through.... such tribulations.
Revisiting pathways from the past.
A lot of different kinds of re-visitings.
The week before ORLANDO Massacre, I had been calling the local MHA, seeking some local-support group for myself where I could connect with physical-tangible people to fill-in that social void I have. The young women I spoke to were sooo helpful with lots of practical suggestions. I called around some of the numbers they gave, but a lot of these were defunct numbers. I was glad to help them identify some of these. I recognized a few names of counselors, and these people do not 'fit' me. (I remember observing the behavior of one on that list, and she was a very mean *** . ... I would want someone who had more of the feminine yin than that kind of hardbrick cold heartedness. Maybe that kind of counseling is good for some, but NOT me. I grew up with a narcissist-mother like that, who didn't care what she subjected me to (verbal-emotional-body hurt more than the fleshly physical one). I KNOW there is NO room at THAT inn for me. {ref biblical Bethlehem scripture} Like the bumper-sticker I had on my car in the 1980s... *MEAN people (just) suck.* I know not to waste valuable money on those kinds of people anymore. I've had more-than-enough abuse-- as a child, and now as a senior adult. NO More Abuse.
So.... for the weeks before the Attack, I was avidly practically tangibly "looking" for my way OUT of this situation here (at home), or 'looking' for ways to cope until the cavalry arrives.
I'm still not knowing what's going on with my physical condition. Went to that Ear Specialist the other day. She said the (organic) nerve is physically normal. Some of the hearing in my right ear is diminished. She said I had a bruise on my membrane (but didn't give me any indication 'how' a bruise could just-appear there??). She said that what I've been doing with the silicone earplugs PLUS using my Bose sound-cancellation earphones was THE current solution for the environment I am subjected to here. ... Then, she recommended counseling for me to 'accept' that I have this problem that I have to emotionally cope with in the world now.... (My God! When she said that, it felt doomy, and like a kind-of-death warrant for freedom to be able to do 'whatever' I can find my hand to do. ... Remember, I have been mentally scouring EVERYWHERE I go... Trying to 'place' myself in some kind of 'work' atmosphere (in my imagination). Too many compressors, gnarly-old ones. (And you already for the past 3 years KNOW my list of what jars me here. I HAVE sought for the solution, locally. I 'don't fit' the practical-help network that has been in operation here. )
To go on about the network-available.... I really thought it was MIND BLOWING to see the support that came in for DIRECT-family members of PULSE ONLY. I've seen this happen before, locally, with 9-11 tragedy support, then the Katrina Hurricane victims that came here (support-monies for general get 'shifted' towards the most-immediate needs of people, not matter what country or state they come HERE for). In BOTH those tragedies, I had come to the top of the considerations-list, only to FALL in-between the cracks again. And since govt is trying to SHRINK itself, forcing people to make ends meet, then I fall into the crack of Invisibility too. ... connected yet NOT able to tangibly receive from where I am locally-- because of reasons that only God understands? ........ So for all those who had 'criticized' me for not DOING something tangible here?--- It is 'the truth' that I am 'caught' in a vortex of not-qualifying, being OVER-qualified, not fitting the categories so they cannot serve me, even though, over and over again, after many interviews, 'those people' could SEE that I needed some plain 'assistance'.... Their hands were/are tied by strict governmental (philanthropic) rules. .... I wasn't asking (in the past) to be seated at the table.... I was just asking for a few crumbs of side-support that WOULD have been available HAD the rules NOT been sooooooooo tight, and the administrators not-able to make exceptions (or, they were prejudice towards me for my religious-philosophic beliefs (a Christian), my color (white), my sex-orientation (straight, but most-highly compassionate towards LGBT, as you all have seen throughout my appearance here at LL-- and I've very mournfully sadly received criticisms for that from my precious most-dear Christian friends). Being a Christian here is not popular--- because I am Inclusive. I abhor some members behaviors towards what's been going on. It makes my Heart wretch. ... So, when I Identify myself as a Christian, I make myself a target in the LGBT community, and within a few circles of my astrological friends. Can't we just get along?
I'm supposed to go for an ultrasound of the abdomen... and that's on the same street as PULSE, but over a mile down the road, and I have no transportation available to me to go. I'd have to walk that WHOLE distance, with having no water or food I can take past midnight the day before. ... I can't call an uber-driver because my little cell phone doesn't connect to the internet. You MUST have a Cell phone with you, you must HAVE an internet-phone presence, AND an uber-account to utilize such services. The bus doesn't travel that road. ... I found out that not all 'imaging' places have the same equipment so you HAVE to utilize certain (faraway) facilities. ..... I might just have to cancel getting that test taken AGAIN, and try to find somewhere closer to a bus stop. (The other place they had given me entailed a two-mile walk, also, far away from here, and two-miles FROM the isolated bus stop.) (My rm gets around town, and comes home from work using an uber-taxi-- he has a high-end computer connection with his excellent phone, with plenty of funds available to him, so he doesn't have to worry about how much he spends on rides.)
I got a clearer understanding of my 'learning style' so I can stop condemning myself with self-statements of wondering 'why' some things I learn don't exactly stick yet, even though I 'know' them? I have to "grok" understand the things I learn. LOL. It's the reason why my grades weren't that great in college, too. I learn with DEPTH and WIDTH about a subject before I feel a sense of competence about a field of endeavor. Lucky for me is that I have Life Experience, and I shouldn't discount how valuable that is. It's the Invisible Learning and Wisdom that a person naturally amasses with chronological time.
Some of the people suggested to me on the list of counseling are really really really really 'young'. (Laughing at myself typing that! ... I love them sooo much. I do MORE teaching and enriching of them, than they do counseling me. ~duh! LOL, and it costs ME(insurance) ~money and time??? 
That's the Voice of past experience there.)
There is WHOLE LOT of Wisdom I give the youngers.... I have come across some of the BEST earlier 20s people I have ever known. Some of these are just wired for understanding, and being naturally compassionate (I find).
And, in these past years, I don't feel that they really qualify to help ME with my very very very unique self.
I would need someone of wisdom who was more-yin in their energies (but not limp-mushy), much-older, and awakened on many levels.
(And---- Not everyone who claims to be spiritually awake these days, is Awake. It's like the newest trendy-catchphrase people use? They don't take real spiritual Awakening truly truly seriously. It's the trend-thing now to use the term Awake.
And that makes me feel sorrows too. ...
Some suggested (over the years, body-doctors) that I should do yoga to manage stress?... but they are into candy-yoga, the little cute ~exercise thing. To ME, Yoga is something you approach seriously, and when you are truly ready. It's an application and learning of Power. ...
omg, I have these images of a young beautiful-body yoga-panted fresh grad from a weekend-course of learning, calling themselves 'experts.' .... and yet, who am I to really be able to discern whether or not what they said is real? Some of these MAY have grown up with yoga practicers in their house, and be prodigies. ....
Anyway, what I DO know is that when I try to do the breathing exercises?, I feel like I'm almost panicked for air. .... Just being transparent here.
That holding the breath, and the 'dissociation' it is designed to create?... well, I'm not sure about trusting.... I've learned that I do better with my eyes open.
I can be looking at and relating to people and at the same time see through my mind's Eye quite well.
Keeping my eyes open (like in the drives I took with my physical car through the woods) helps me 'see' and think in a really clear way. I should have had a tape-recorder in those days! LOL. Closing my eyes, I feel a sense of yuk, unless I'm thinking about 'The Lord, My Light'. I don't care that much for mind-trips? because of the 'hollow' of it NOT being Spiritually designed for connection with God. God is not a cutsie-little idea-thought to be casually mentioned as an aside. No, My God is REAL, and unless the other person is ON that same level?, we have no real connection. The way that I have experienced people who utilize mind-trips?, has just been that ~shallow fluffy psychological-babblestuff trying to access your headspace without REAL solutions. Not TRUE spirituality. ...
Part of the reasons I talk about that?, has to do with asteroids!!!!! oh yes, she's talking about ROCKS again!!! ROFLMAO. No! for real.
There are serious-asteroids next to other asteroids that can describe the kinds of therapies that a person might be open to. (I think that with my own chart, ESPECIALLY with 8th house stellium in Cancer, and with Pluto at the end of 8th, catharsis is primarily what I need. .... And ~breathing scares me!! so, enough with that kind of thinking!!! LMAO. ..... See? I told you I try to look at every angle? I DO want to Heal, and God has given me SOOOOO MUCH Healing already. .... I just want to '*go about my Father's business'--- AS I revisit grief and woundings right now. (*ref scripture))
Next to my Pallas-Athene at 21+Sag?, I (think) it mentions therapeutic mind-trips? .... For me, without a TRUE connection to God, Prayer and being in REAL Worship services where the palpable-feeling of God is there WITH a minister who is ADEPT at energetic God-Atmospheres, has been very therapeutic in the past. (Not every church has that kind of talent in its pews pulpits and platforms, unfortunately for some unique would-be church goers. There are some people who are called anointed who are NOT, too--- just like the yoga business-- equal opportunity comments here.)
The Mind of The Spirit is the Focus Candle.
And I LIVE entirely for The Spirit of the Living God IN my Life. To Worship in True Beauty, and Holiness and Loveliness. GOD, ... is BEAUTIFUL.
Oh, I know this post HAS to be a mess, and a mangle of thoughts all put together.... sorry about that again, today.
So, I'm a grokker-learner, AND!!!, I have a devil of a time filling out application-forms WHEREVER I find them---- whether in a doctor's office, or youtube/faceB/ggl+/ WHATEVER. I just don't 'get' all that legal jargon. I mistake questions-- and not every form that asks the question is ASKING the 'same' information. You have to know the intent of every office, every procedure, every insurance, every advertising data-collection site. There is no uniformity of understanding. I am NOT a lawyer?, and even having to sign-off on medical procedures financial forms is plain terrifying. You are held responsible for statements they hide within clauses.
If there's something that govt can work on?, it's that people don't get duped and ripped off during times of emotional-physical high distress. It's up to the facilities to MAKE SURE that THEY have their staffs and consultants in GOOD ORDER -- and NOT to lay that BURDEN on families and individuals.
Especially ref to anesthesiologist issues at local surgical treatment centers here. --- Personally-recently, my rm, paid DOUBLE the price promised on HIS recent procedure that took him a long time to save money and arrange time-off work for, BECAUSE of THAT-office's lack of coordination among their OWN HIRED subcontractors.
They had "the patient" 'over a barrel'-- as some things had already been done and couldn't be refunded, and he showed up to a total 'surprise' ADDED financial burden. (.. 
THAT wasn't right!)
Anyways.... I'm hoping that Dreams get properly-Discerned. You know that I can see rainbows of opportunities, sometimes. When I lean into one, something says 'that's not correct'-- then I shift to the other, and 'that's not exact-either'? I apologize for confusions, but that's what is there in the skies too?
Oh! I wanted to mention that I had heard some Aries videos? .... That flash-anger thing?... haha. When I'm 'not' so-controlled about things, I can have that too. MarsCancer square AriesIC? (Oh, I KNOW there are other combinations of aspects for that, too.) Yeah, I have the ability to get mad 'like an Italian' (though, I'm not Italian). I remember my Aries Daughter's statement one time, where she explained to me 'why' she didn't tell me about something I actually-needed to know? (I was quite calm and loving during that discussion with her.) She said she was 'afraid' I would flash-anger at her..... My response was 'so what?????' (flash!!! LOL) SOMETIMESSSSS, you 'must' deal with a thing immediately and concretely!!!! AND, you take IMMEDIATE personal responsibility for that.
I told you all how I had worked around subcontractors (buildings), who learned 'how' to flash-anger AT me. After they 'learned me', they knew and had confidence that they could say anything about how angry they were about ~whatever on the job?, as LONG as they were not name-calling at ME. I hung-up on one who ended up being MY best-buddy when I left the job. He TRULY appreciated that I was HONEST (or would-be honest) with him about what was going on with his project. I would ask him if he 'really' wanted the truth?, sometimes. He "got" me!! LOL. But MOST of all, I TREASURED the Trust that was between us. I needed his cooperation sometimes for orders, as much as he needed information from me. I don't believe in lying to my customers.... bending edges till they 'get' it?, yeah, but outright LIES?, NO. Don't expect me to do that... it's confusing, and I think it's BAD for business, overall. Your "reputation" is what will WIN for you in the long-run, over a quick-profit.
A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold. Proverbs 22:1 NLT
Anyways! ...
I consider Prince William a TRUE High-Quality PRINCE ABOVE Men, for standing up so boldly and honestly for the cause of fighting Bullying.
That's what all the Orlando, and Paris (and other events) was about!
It's about FREEDOM to be 'who' you are, WITHOUT harassment.
AND I want to add that evil-doer groups NEED to channel their deeds in another way----
You don't go to funerals and protest. You don't go to nightclubs and theatres to shoot people you don't agree with. You don't go to abortion clinics and bomb these. You don't go to bible-studies to shoot down the congregation. .......
That's REALLY UGLY, and not humane in your consideration of Other's and THEIR right of Peaceful Assembly. YOU ABSOLUTELY PERVERT the meaning of the Rights of Free Speech.
Freedom ---- Is the Freedom to do GOOD, and to do the Right thing. NOT an excuse to Do Harm to others. And we NEED to Discriminate between HARMful ideologies and their practices and philosophies.
Prince William, did the Right thing! *thumbsup* (even if the Queen is a bit tiffed... but I understand that too--- they are approaching from different points of view. I can see both--- but The Prince is seeing things from the Higher Moral perspective in life. And WE on earth are SOOOOO LUCKY to have such a Fine Leader in position of Humanitarian Roles among us.
We have a Brighter Future BECAUSE of High Moral Beings of HIGH CHARACTER like Prince Will. Your Mother Diana, would be SOOOO PROUD of you. I think SHE 'gets it'--- *grin*.
So to close my post today----- I'm NOT going to proofread, but leave this basically as-is. Like I've repeated, I tend to edit out too much and too many of my immediate-release thoughts. .... I WANT to do 'the right thing' ALWAYS. Please NEVER doubt that.
And I AM looking Forward.... I'm not sure 'how' to solve my problem right now. (And certainly my body and WHERE I house it, retains priority for now. Vocationally?, I am OPEN to adjust this.
Right now, I need to solve the puzzle of health, and where to live. Yes, I believe I would be open to spiritual-training? but it would depend heavily on what I would consider competence-level of whatever mentor or placement. I will TRUST GOD, for the correct person(s) to advise.
Honestly, I need to 'feel better' physically, the most--- whether that means accepting my condition and learning how to live with it, all the way to a complete miracle eradication of limiting beliefs and healing. I DO Believe in miracles.... And, I've been the ACTUAL RECIPIENT of a few (if you've been reading my posts).
(humorous) P.S. .... I'm allergic to Vegetables, fruits, nuts and some grains-- and definitely-fish, though not shrimp!!
(not-kidding there!!! ~LOL)
(I was BORN with food allergies. Read all the careful documentation in my baby-book!!! Sometimes I think it would be cool to do some of the astrology of that, and 'when' it showed up! LOL)
(thanks and gratitudes to mom or grandmom or my auntie for notations there)
..... Song of the day.....
(music) Dust In The Wind (Kansas, lyrics) [3:30] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Vl3lydJy9s
Lindaland
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