posted December 02, 2002 10:36 AM         

I see quite a few posts expressing disappointment, and I'd like to share with you how I recently overcome some of my own. In fact, if it works as well I think it does, it should clear up all of them.

See I was going through a whole bunch of rough times, and I was feeling really down, losing faith, etc. etc. Well, most people would try to pick themselves up somehow, but, well, I didn't... I went down, and started to dig deeper. And got engrossed in it.

I started to wonder: what if I didn't believe in anything anymore. What if I had no faith in anyone and anything. What if the whole world really and truly is left to its own devices, and we are all just floating around with no Great Plan, no Divine Will, nothing at all.

I thought about all the things I read in newspapers, and about things I see right under my nose, and couldn't help thinking "You know what, it's probably true. There really isn't anyone up there looking out for us."

So where did that leave me? I thought about the times when I was happy, and I wondered if I could ever feel that way again. And the thought struck me, "Well, of course you can, now that you don't believe in anything."

It was the most liberating thought I've ever had. I don't need to wait for anyone to do anything or say anything that will make me feel good. I don't need a great miracle or a rainbow in the sky. I don't need to become a positive thinker, like these mushy new-agists.

I can remember what it was to feel happy, and I can have that feeling without the need to wait for something outside of me to happen first. I believe in the pleasant feeling in the heart area, a kind of cardiac stimulation... ok, ok, I know, what it is, it's pure love, but excuse, I'm a guy, we don't say the four-letter 'L' word... anyway, where were we... yes... I know I can have that feeling in the heart without the need for someone else; I just feel myself giving it out to the world, and feel that the world is slightly better off because of it. And no, to answer your immediate question, I DO NOT need to share it to experience it, I just project.

And when I take the time to calm my mind, I feel a kind of bliss there; and when I work out, I feel a power coursing in my veins. These three things make it worthwhile, and there is nothing on the outside that can prevent us experiencing it.

I sometimes wonder if all the things that we depend on to keep us happy are really just stimulants for these three things: the pleasant cardiac sensation, the bliss of a quiet mind, feeling of power. Sure, somethings on the outside can help us to remember that we can have all that... but what if we forgot that we can do without that stimulation; what if we got so engrossed with the toys we use to stimulate these feelings that we began to believe that we really needed them to have those experiences?

I don't have faith in anything anymore, and I don't need faith. I don't know if there is a God. I think there probably is one, and maybe I can find It as I make more inner progress.

For now, I'm just floating on a wave of absolute self-reliance.

That means that I don't expect anyone to do anything nice for me at all; and when they do, I feel quite pleasantly surprised; I would imagine I enjoy it much more than people who expect something. For now, if I see someone being hurtful or cruel or thoughtless, I just think to myself, 'Well, that's the best you can do for now. I accept that. It's too bad you don't know how much better you can be, but I'm sure you'll find that in your own time.' Well, ok, I don't make such a long speech to myself every single time; but I have that generally feeling.

The main thing is, I realise that I don't have a right to anything... maybe the world is just as it is, because it's that way... no need for a great plan or anything. And when I feel it's that way, I don't expect anything to take care of me, or be done for me. It's up to me to make me happy, and I have some clue how to do that.

Does that mean we give up success and ambition? No, not at all; I'm one of the most succesful people I know. And a lot of that is because I can work without worrying about what's going to happen next; I can focus here and now. I have my goals and aims, but when the outcome doesn't agree with it, well, that's fine too. Why? Because I finally realise that maybe there's no justice in the world, so I don't expect anything to turn out any particular way. No expectations.

And what about having no faith? Doesn't that seems blasphemous? Maybe... but if there is a God, I am not sure It'd want to terrify us into believing in it... and if It did, well, I'd like to think I'd tell It to stuff off anyway. And punch it in the throat.

I'm not sure even about the theory of Karma, which I believed in quite strongly before. I think the sages and saint could have invented that just so we could believe there was some fairness in creation. And maybe to make us toe to line; a kind of threat - stay in line, or you'll suffer. Be a good boy and we'll be nice to you. All fine, but then I don't need to be threatened into being moral or ethical. I remember, having the option of getting what I wanted by slightly unethical means. I didn't always choose to be ethical, but everytime I did, I felt that pleasant cardiac sensation, you know, L***. And I remember the misery of being on the other side.

So I do believe in the value of morality and ethics; but I don't need to be threatened into it. So I don't need Karma, and I don't need fear of God.

Maybe the world is just left to be pushed by the strongest... and since I don't waste energy worrying about the next guy is doing or should be doing, my push is pretty darn strong.

As I say, there probably is a thing called God, and even Karma, and all the rest of it. But I can't be threatened into believing in it, and I'm not going to waste my time with it if it's limiting me in any way. I'm interested in seeing for myself. I think we can all see for ourselves what the Truth is, if we can just put in a bit of effort, trying to develop ourselves. I personally do some yoga and meditation, attend some prayer meetings (I can feel a good vibe there, even if I dunno if there's anyone on the other end), do some charity work, and the rest of it. So there should be some clearing up in me, some development I'll get over time. And I'll be able to confirm for myself, to experience for myself, all the stuff they prattle on about in the scriptures.

I acknowledge, it takes effort. And skill. It's tricky, remembering all that in the middle of all the stuff going on around us. But do you agree, it's a thing worth doing? I personally spend a bit of time thinking about it deeply early in the morning, a meditation if you must call it that, and bit by bit, it becomes a habit.

I know I'm rambling here, repeating several things for no good reason but it's only very recently that I came to understand all this, so the ideas are still establishing themselves.

I guess these are simple truths that we probably already know, but maybe don't try so hard to remember. Or maybe preventing from trying because we are afraid of, because it seems like blasphemy. Well, many other people were executed as blasphemers, even though they eventually found to be telling the truth.

What do you think?

posted December 02, 2002 12:05 PM           

(No, I'm not smoking crack - that's just a turn of phrase I use to signify that I'm nuts sometimes.)

posted December 04, 2002 04:11 PM         

and Proxieme: you shouldn't brag about crack unless you are going to share.