posted April 19, 2003 01:37 AM           

I'm going to write it now, because my heart hurts and maybe doing that will make it stop.
It's nothing that can be helped really, and it's quite silly when I say it our write it out, but - heck - I'm crying now, so I may as well go ahead with it.
I'm so tired.
Just tired.
Not physically, not quite emotionally, not really mentally - I don't know what.
It's just, there's no one I know that doesn't look at me like I'm nuts when I'm blown away by the beauty of something, when I'm overtaken by a sunset, or a tree, or the scent on a breeze; they look at me like, "Get over it, there's more important things to think about and do," when, to me, there is nothing that tops that.
There's no one here, who I can see and touch, who doesn't respond with, "Uhm, OK," or veer wildly away from my intended meaning when I talk about the crippling beauty of all of existence or about holding love for others simply because they are.
It all sounds so silly, but there's no one here who can or will (I don't know which) listen to those thoughts and understand and empathise, or just get immersed in such things, too. I have buddies I can hang with or bs with, but no one who can do that.
And now my heart hurts most of the time, it almost always feels broken, but there's nothing that I can pinpoint besides the above; and my face looks much harder than I feel. It looks like it carries a lot and has done some hard living; it almost looks like a stranger.
And, well, that's it - I'm just tired.
I want someone to hug me and tell me that they understand what I mean and that they feel it, too, but, like I said, there doesn't seem to be anyone about.
I'm not alone, but I'm so, so lonely.

And now my nose is all runny and my face all red. My chest hurts and I feel silly and weak for saying all that. But, still, I'm going to push "submit" - because, heck - someone's out there, and I won't be able to see you if you snicker or laugh

posted April 19, 2003 02:40 AM         

It's hard to feel that alone... I know when I went back to school, I had a bad time physically. I had been going to metaphysical classes and doing music performance and was so in tune with my spirit, then within one week of college all the energy and life in my body just glommed together in my head, and it felt heavy as stone. I felt like I lost the ability to speak spiritually, and it hurt to hear music; when I later "came out" spiritually to classmates, they said "interesting", and moved on. Like you, looking in the mirror was viewing a grim mask. Suppressing one's soul can have that effect, and Western education is all about the head, rarely the heart.

It will get better... know this, sweetie.

In the meantime, you take beautiful candlelit baths, get out in nature, go play with puppies and kittens, and keep searching for a special person who will understand. Go for a massage or call up a metaphysical bookstore or find a pagan or wiccan group or, or, or...

Most of all hug yourself for all your friends here who care about your precious, unique, giving and loving being. If we exist, then you will find others. Hang in there. It will pass.

posted April 19, 2003 05:18 AM         

One thing you don't have to worry about is people here snickering and laughing at you. For the most part, we all seem to be kindred spirits here. We understand what you mean. I can't count the number of times I've almost driven off the road because I was watching the sky and pondering how beautiful it was with the way the colors of the sunset reflects off the clouds (I live in the mountains and we have some amazing skys at sunset sometimes).

I understand completely what you mean. I'm a Pisces and my best friend is a Cappy. Need I say another word?

She complains to me that I have those "dirty rocks" (and my prize pinecone that I smuggled out of Yosemite) all over. I try to explain to her that well, one I found hiking in Yosemite and one was from the backyard when my parents first bought their house and one was from when I had my old house built (you get the idea) and each of them is beautiful (you would understand). She always like "uh hum, no, they are dirty rocks".

They just dont' get it, and they don't want to. But don't let them get you down. There's nothing wrong with you. You just have a better appreciation for the "simpler" things in life. I've tried to think of it like this -- things can be taken away, but no one can take away my rocks, or the memory of the pink and blue clouds over the mountain at sunset, or watching the squirrels play in the yard, in the long run they are more precious treasures then my car or anything else I own (except maybe my computer ). Remember that -- you are richer than they ever could be and in a way they'll never understand. There is nothing more important than taking some time to appreciate the beauty of nature. Nothing man-made even comes close

My Cappy buddy thinks I'm nuts because I take long, random, drives in the fall just to see the trees. She wants to know where I'm going and why. She's a smart girl, but she can't seem to grasp the "no destination, no itinerary, look at the trees" thing.

posted April 19, 2003 05:41 AM           

Please feel better prox!! Don't worry, not many people understand me. You should see the looks my boyfriend gets when he brings home a new friend and I pick up my cat and introduce them. One guy even once bluntly said 'why do you talk to your cat, it can't understand you'. Like, pfft.

My very own boyfriend doesn't even understand why I talk to the plants!! He even asked me once (in the very early stages of our relationship) 'do the plants talk back to you?' (he was serious)

He also used to freak out when I'd be screaming for him to get out the back yard NOW!! to look at a sunset or a full moon (which always has me in awe). He's used to it now and calls ME when he sees something beautiful.

So most people think I'm a freak, when they are having computer problems and I tell them (listen weevil) to be nice to their computer instead of hitting, kicking or swearing at it. Ok, so computers ARE dumb but all they need is a little love and patience!!

We all have our own little quirks that other find....quirky. I find it quirky when people DON'T see the beauty in a sunset, tree, leaf, cloud etc.

I used to worry about how people perceived me and responded to me but now I realise that if I get just one person in my life excited about life and the beauty of it then its worth it!!!!

posted April 19, 2003 05:47 AM           

Turn that frown upside down!!!!!!!!!!!

What inspires you? What are you passionate about? Where do you see beauty at its best??

posted April 19, 2003 06:11 AM         

Here's a hug for you

Hmm you know a lot of people walk around with "blinkers" on and they don't see the beauty in everyday things. They just don't take time to "smell the roses". Awareness is everything - if you're not aware of something then how can you enjoy it?

Another thing is that most people are afraid of making "real contact".....why? Because it's scary, it makes them feel vunerable. So they avoid it in order to stay "in control".
(Just a bit of Gestalt Therapy there)

posted April 19, 2003 07:00 AM         

I know what you mean and I've been there before, surely I'll be there again and you are certainly not alone.

I know how difficult it can be to possess an acute sense of the astonishing beauty of the world when there is no one to share it with. It is incredibly lonely. Like Shamrock and Sue said, I think that people don't want to open thems-elves to it. It's too scary. First off, people who blissfully stare in wide-eyed wonderment at the face of the natural world are certainly out of the norm these days. Standing apart from the crowd is a terrifying thought for many people. Apathy seems to be the general mindset of popular preference.

The apathy is a clue to a much deeper fear. The way I see it, what it comes down to is that once you allow yours-elf to become moved to such profoundly deep emotional, even religious, experiences at the sight of the sea at night or a perfect or wind rustling through a weeping willow you cannot help but become painfully aware of the extraordinary level of destruction waged upon it's perfect face everyday, relentlessly. Destruction that is so deeply tied into our own actions, consciously or not, that to face such a thing is to bring our whole comfortable way of life into question. And if you question such thing as monumental as that, then you find yourself up against something that seems utterly out of your control. That's terrifying. .Eyes, once opened, are not easily shut. It's easier for some people to wall their hearts off to such things than to have a mirror held up to thems-elves.. It's easier to cope if one remains callused. ...

I don't know if any of that helps at all but it's stuff I've thought about as I have found mys-elf feeling, and continue to feel at times, rather like you've described.

I've been fortunate moreso these past couple years as I've found people of like mind in my travels... It sounds like you might do well to make friends with some dirt worshipping pagan sorts. But even if you can't find any metaphysically/gaiaspirituality/awestrucknaturechild minded folk of the local variety, please know that you have friends here who empathise with you!

Lunargirl is a wise woman, take her advice. Prox, take care of yours-elf. Pamper yours-elf -don't overdo that suffering too much - and really treat yours-elf to something special. This too shall pass.

posted April 19, 2003 07:51 AM         

I hate to admit it but I possibly wouldn't have been as understanding even up to a couple of months ago but last week my business partner and myself decided we needed to do something for ourselves. So we looked for a hill (there are plenty of places round here) and we laid down on the grass and just meditated. Up until a couple of months ago we would never have done anything like that for fear of looking foolish, after about 15 minutes we both hugged an overlooking tree. It felt so good.

We have both changed a lot over the last couple of years, neither of us would have dreamt of doing anything like that and possibly would have thought someone who did was strange, but at the same time we would have been envious.

When your friends see how the beauty affects you, then probably one by one they will come over to your way of thinking, if not, find friends who do. Sometimes you have to risk to find the reward.

posted April 19, 2003 11:43 AM           

Most people dont have a clue about what i'm on about most of the time because its all technobabble, but focus on what you CAN connect on, and things will seem far better.

posted April 19, 2003 01:02 PM           

Thank ya ya'll for being so concerned...
>big ole' hugs all around<
It just hits me sometimes, and I guess when a fish funks, they really funk, you know?
It appears that ya'll's sent-out well-wishes did do me some good (well, that and the fact that I'm listening to some kick-arse Kenny Burrell & Joe Pass jazz guitar playin'); I'm feeling much better.

Ya'll are just so cool.
I'm pinching Cat's kiss and giving it back to all ya'll:

And I totally identify with the examples ya'll gave - like nearly wrecking because of a sunset (I lived in the Shenandoah Valley for a spell, so I know what you're talking about there), talking to your cat (because, dernit, they answer - and so do a lot of other things - if you just take the time to listen), taking walks or drives just to see, and, and...
You're right, shamrock - no one can take away the joy that I get from watching squirrels play (funny creatures, them - but, then, so are cats, birds, humans, etc) or from floating on a breeze or touching a tree and feeling its deep roots and cold life and feeling my toes and soles surrounded by grass and earth.
I'm just so glad to know ya'll are here

OK, RRR -
>pity party, fin<
Time for a "Pretty Party"
What inspires you? What are you passionate about? Where do you see beauty at its best??

My Answer:
Everything & Everywhere at varying times
You wanna know what I saw the other night?
I saw bats!!!
How cool is that?!?
I haven't seen any in a while, but there they were flying about my townhouse rooftop catching 'squitos. I even heard one chirp!
Otherwise a really good kinda-cloudy day at those magic minues between day and dusk when everything seems kinda a mellow purple-pink and bathed in perfume; a really good, sudden summer thunderstorm'll do it for me, too. Or a cussing squirrel.
(You know, when they get on a branch and chirrup furiously because you're too close to their nest.)

What's everyone else's?

PS - Cat - I think that the illusion of being in control is highly overrated, too (said the 1st House Uranian.)

PPS - Aah! Ya'll are so cool!

posted April 19, 2003 01:18 PM         

Yes I hear ya.....just when you think you're in control....you go and lose the remote
Uranus is very prominent in my chart

So let's party

posted April 19, 2003 01:37 PM         

What am I passionate about, where do I see beauty?
Well, most accessibly, I am astounded by the look in my son's eye everyday. The level of awareness, the sense of age that I feel when our gazes lock just amazes me and strikes me as incredibly beautiful.

I also love standing in a quiet wood, beneath a towering redwood with moss covered roots coiling about my feet. I can just about catch glimpses of the faerie spirits sometimes.

Those cussing squirrels are great too!

posted April 20, 2003 06:14 PM         

Proxy dear, you'll meet someone who'll understand when time is right.
Maybe it's going to be someone with hairy ears. You know those sweet little hairs with which you can play for hours sitting on a bench in the forest just curling them fluffy ones around and around . Aáááh! Swéééét!!!

Either way, whenever you feel like this (which is probably most ofthe time) smile it out babe, just enjoy and please never stop sharing with others and never stop trying to make them *see*. They are missing out on something só special.

I know that every morning when I walk to work I see them black birdy buggers hipping around and they make me smile and laugh out loud! I love them só much!

Or then the way one dog in my neighbourhood walks, cracks me up, makes me cry tears of love! Funnily the woman who walks him probably thinks I am laughing at her (oh..oh...sorry). I laugh so loud because I always have my MD on. Once the woman turned her head with frowny eyebrows, I was like ooowwwkey !
Then on the other side, I live in a smelly town. Yak, it makes me nauseating and the noise is not so beautiful but hey...KEEP ENJOYING LIFE, it is there for US! We make it, change it and we live it!