posted May 07, 2003 01:52 AM         

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will meet the girl of your dreams Wednesday when she and five other EMTs try to free you from a hellish cocoon of molten glass.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
After years of indecision, you will finally decide to move to Las Vegas, where you'll lose it all on 23 Red.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You will be hailed as a hero by The American Spectator when you shoot three suspicious-looking Hispanic kids in the back while guarding the West Park Mall.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Once again, it's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but romance has nothing to do with your coworkers taking you from behind while you're Xeroxing.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You're asking for it health-wise if you don't start exercising, sleeping more, and reducing your intake of fat people.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Though it should be easy to prove that giant robots are not constantly sneaking up on you, you remain remarkably resistant to dissuasion.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Sometimes, all one can do is step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. However, the jury will note that a fire extinguisher was within easy reach.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Your abuses of the American legal system will soon surpass your abuses of the Fayetteville, AR, plumbing system.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
After a long, expensive investigation, the World Health Organization will be forced to admit that it has no idea how you slipped through.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You'll make controversial front-page headlines when you're the subject of the nation's first multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment case.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You've finally decided to divorce your whiny, repugnant spouse. Good luck ever finding love again, babe.