posted May 24, 2003 11:57 AM         

Lunargirl and I realized we have something in common: we are both adoptees. And she mused that we might start a thread on the subject, to see if others here might have been adopted, or perhaps put up a child for adoption.

This is a difficult subject, it brings a mixed bag of emotions to the table. But I thought it might be powerful to share our experiences...mine certainly being rocky with my birthparents, but ultimately loving.

Are there others open for this discussion?

posted May 24, 2003 02:37 PM         

We had a little girl staying with us for 5 months till her Aussie parents could come and take her home after all the legalities were completed. Needless to say she stole our hearts within a day of coming home to us. She is very much part of our family.

Her story is tragic, she was found abandoned on the banks of a river, placed in a remand home for god knows how long before being placed in an orphanage. She was terribly traumtised in the beginning, but she has shown such spunk in the months that followed, she is just gorgeous!

Did you both know who your birthparents were all along? Did you feel this irresistible urge to seek them out? I keep wondering how she will feel about being abandoned in that way when she is a little older.

I too am learning that sharing our experiences is a very powerful way of dealing with and letting go of the pain we hold in for so long.

posted May 24, 2003 05:01 PM         

I'll try not to keep this too long, I don't want this thread to be about me, but about our shared experiences.

My parents (those who raised me will ALWAYS be my parents, those with whom I share DNA are my birth-parents) could not have children of their own, so they adopted 4. None of us are biologically related, but we were a family none the less. My parents were wonderful people, who still put me through college many years after they died. I was six when dad passed, 10 when mom passed. My brothers were both a good bit older than me (they too have since died), and my sister is two years younger.

I didn't have a burning desire to know my birth-parents as I grew up. I was actually ambivalent about the whole thing. But as a young adult who really wanted to pursue a life-long interest in astrology, I needed my birth time for an accurate chart! Adoptees generally receive amended birth certificates. So I wrote for mine, but they still wouldn't let me have an original. But something about the process piqued my interest in my birthparents...so, I mounted a search, and wonder of wonders, it only took a couple of months till I had my birth mother's name. If anyone else is searching, I'll be glad to share my tips, though it was so easy for me I think it was karmic.

Sooo, I sent her a letter, it was a little cryptic, so that she would understand who I was, but if anyone else read it, it would just seem like I was a long lost relative. For all I knew, she had a family that knew nothing about the child she gave up.

Wonder of wonders, she had married my birth father and I had two full blooded siblings. I was surprised!

This was all about 10 years ago...it's been a rocky road at times. They assumed they had their little girl back, but it couldnt' be that way for me. We keep in touch, and I visit them at least once a year (they're about a 7 hour drive from me)...I love them, and always want them in my life, but at times I need distance from them. I do not blame them for their choices, there were circumstances that made it impossible for her to keep me at the time. I wouldn't trade my life, it's mine!

I'll share more at a later time...
Oh, one thing that I'll add is that they were originally from the same area in which I grew up! In fact, my birth-grandmother was a waitress at a restaurant we went to now and then! I can't help but wonder if my mom knew...

Sunshyne, I'm thrilled that you were able to love that little girl! So long as she grows up with love, she will likely find her way to resolving her early issues. I hope her new Aussie parents are enlightened and open with her. My parents always let us know that we were adopted, that we were special, because they CHOSE us. It was never an issue.

VAA, I'm excited for you too, and your new addition! I hope you will keep us posted! Broken hearts can be mended, we are not always born to our true families! Do you know why his birthparents couldn't care for him? It will be rough for him perhaps, but you are an artist with a gentle soul, I know a little Pisces boy will have a lot to learn from you!

posted May 25, 2003 10:02 AM         

Kirti's parents talk to her very openly about everything she wants to know. They are just beautiful people. Her two elder brothers are crazy about her as well, so she is making up for all the love she never got when she was a baby angel.

As for being able to love her, it would have been impossible NOT to love her, I cannot explain the happiness she brought into the house, or how difficult it was to let her go. Everyone at home agrees she was a special gift, something that drops unexpectedly into your life for only a short while, but never allows you to go back to your mundane view of the world. She changed us all in so many ways, but the most important thing she taught us was how someone can love unconditionally, without a trace of bitterness, inspite of so much pain and neglect - how not to expect anything out of life or to blame circumstance or allow it to jade you or change how you live, out of fear that it'll happen again.
I don't know if this makes sense, because you don't exactly know the situation - she was 15 days old when she was found abandoned, and she has two deep gashes like teethmarks in her shin, like she'd been dragged by some animal. Nobody knows how long she was out there. She was so traumatised nobody ever heard her make a sound, the doctors said she was retarded and a deaf mute and suggested her parents choose another baby. But they didn't and they got the most beautiful angel they could ever imagine. You can never tell what she's been through from her open, trusting smile, though. I cannot believe that a little tot has soooooo much more strength than so many of us adults.

Ok, I'm going to stop now, or I never will. I'll try and post a picture in the knowflake album sometime soon, her smile is just so cute!

I really do think you're amazingly strong.

posted May 27, 2003 10:54 AM         

Thank you for the compliment, but, ya do what ya gotta do, right? LOL I'm moody and grumpy sometimes, but I don't want to lead a bitter life, ya know? My story is not horrific...like Kirti's, but I know she will grow to be a unique, wonderful and compassionate woman with an inner wisdom gained only through strength awakened during adversity, and nurtured through love. Did that make sense? LOL

We are what we live! I'd love to hear more about her.

posted May 27, 2003 01:47 PM         

Testing, one two, testing..

Yep -- it was a case of too much or maybe too many smilies.

posted May 27, 2003 02:08 PM         

I relate to trillian, about how there's a world of difference between who your parents are, and who gave you your DNA; I also needed, and didn't have a birthtime for astrology charts; and I had no idea of what my heritage was. For years people would try to guess "what" I was; I used to play that game a lot, though it made me uncomfortable, but now I don't have to.

You'd think that by being adopted, a person would have a special insight into what it's like, but almost everything important I learned about it, I learned through my search. You grow up as part of your family, taking for granted your life as yoursELF, but unlike typical childhood fantasies where a lot of kids wish they _were_ adopted (!) or imagine that they were stolen by gypsies, there truly was another life that you were born into, and left... and you wonder at times about that other life that never was, that sELF that truly could have been, had things been otherwise. I've known since the age of 5, and knew I'd look some day.

I grew up the middle of three, me adopted and my sisters my parents' biological children. My parents had problems having children and so after my older sister was born a preemie -- a near miss --they put in for adoption, figuring two kids would be it. True to the wives' tale, and to Linda in Star Signs, my younger sister was conceived the weekend I was adopted. She and I have always been super close, but definitely I'm far different than my sisters.

After search attempts here and there, just before 1998 I was gripped by a strong feeling that I would find family that year. Now I understand what they mean in SF Fantasy and in D&D when one is gripped by a "geas"--

quote:

---

1. "geas, n: a bond, a spell, a prohibition, a taboo, a magical injunction, the violation of which led to misfortune and death." -- The Oxford English Dictionary

---

I feel it was destined to happen then, and that I was guided in my search, because after years of closed doors, all of them opened, and me listening at the lock fell right through! First I located my foster family, hoping that they might have and give me my bparents' names, and to thank them of course for caring for me for my first months. To my lasting shock I was met with total unconditional love, as I discovered that being unable to adopt me was a grief that had never fully healed for them -- they had bonded with me that strongly (yes, SunShyne!). When I met my foster mom and sister, I knew them; the kind of physical recognition and comfort that you only have wih your family, and here I recognized it with those who cared for me as an infant. They remembered all the stories of my first months, my first words, first everything. It blew my mind for awhile. Here was another life I didn't live, yet for them, I was still "theirs". I'm still close with these people; visted my foster mom last weekend, and she gave me a big surprise -- she had saved my baby blanket, a handknit (by her) sweater, my pram pillowcases, and a doll her mother made for me. I was so moved. In my own family, my things were shared among sisters and never kept; now I have something from my babyhood. These loving, wonderful people gave me back my infancy; and yes they gave me birthnames, so they gave me back my past.

posted May 27, 2003 02:09 PM         

To summarize (well, I'd need a flowchart for that, and I'm working on the book! ), I then found my bmother, 7 bsisters and brothers, and my bfather's widow. I am 6th of 8 kids, and the 7th, a boy, was also put up for adoption. My bmother succeeded in raising 6 on her own, all credit to her in a family with 4 different birthfathers. I met my bmother, 3 bsisters and one bbrother, plus a birthaunt, bcousin, and my maternal bgrandmother. Very few live in town, and we grew up very differently. It was rough at first as she'd told them I was dead; she was against contact initially, and my bsiblings got the shock of their lives when she decided to tell them I'd contacted her (and was very alive!). But the odd thing is, that I never felt the same kind of trust and bonding as I had with my foster family. We were strangers, after all, and they were a conflicted, wary family. Sad to say, it was over with them in a year. Despite the love and need and emotion of this complex reunion, my bmother was shaken by all her lies of the past being stirred up -- there had been a lot of alcohol involved, way back then-- also my adopted bbrother, who a bsister and I found later, was very angry and provocative, unlike me. It added up, so my bmother lied about something I did, got siblings to take sides, and I walked away from the abuse and crap -- I had hoped for healing, for all, and I wasn't about to be scapegoated or do family therapy or try to convince bsiblings that their mother was a liar. I walked away knowing that healing had indeed taken place for everyone, just not in the form I'd hoped for, but that I had no place for such toxic people in my life. I have stayed in touch with two bsisters who reached out amid that scene with decency, honesty and respect; that's a pretty good average for such a large bunch, actually.

For me, this search and reunion was worth it, even without a fairytale ending. I beat the odds, and succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. I can look in the mirror and finally know where this face comes from. I have a birthtime; I have an important medical history; I met people with the same wacky sense of humour as me-- believe me, call it my CancerMoon, but humour is definitely genetic! I met my birthmother and I have her eyes. I met my foster family and we are close. I have two great bsisters. I am richer.

Finally I became involved in running a local post-adoption search and support group, because we don't have Open Records here, which could have lent my search and reunion much more dignity. I don't think the outcome would have been different, just less fraught with fear for my bmother, who never imagined I'd find her. Maybe one day I'll win the lotto and have the funds to mount a challenge to the law. That would be fun!

So ends my book excerpt. What I would like to understand, however, is what kind of karma adoptees, birthparents and foster families have? We've discussed women who are infertile over in the Linda's Life forum, but not the other members of the adoption triad.

and

posted May 27, 2003 04:36 PM         

One thing that jumped out was your reference to humor being genetic. Before I met my bparents, I argued that our traits, who we are, our habits, have little to do with heredity. But...after meeting my bfamily...I can't say the same thing. My bsister and I look a lot alike, which isn't uncommon, but we have some of the same characteristics, which is very very odd. We flick our hair in the same way, and we both crack our wrists/elbows in the same way, which is not a common habit.

OK, more later, but thank you so much for sharing, Lunargirl, I am very much looking forward to reading your book. Those whose lives are touched by adoption have unique problems/joys that I love to hear about and share. In some ways, it makes us kindred spirits.

posted May 27, 2003 05:24 PM         

AdoptionWeek.com

posted May 28, 2003 12:56 AM         

VAA, what a marvelous essay. No wonder they wanted to publish it. If it's all right with you, I'd like to put it on my post-adoption group's website, or just a link, if AdoptionWeek has exclusivity. Foster and adoptive families are underrepresented on our site, and I've always wanted to add material and resources for them. Sigh... I need a clone.

posted May 28, 2003 02:01 PM         

It's a volunteer post-adoption support group for people in the adoption triad, although we don't do much searching ourselves -- we share resources and help people learn how to do it themselves, if we can, and hold public meetings. A lot of people find it difficult to overcome the taboo aspect of talking about adoption-related issues to people in their lives, or just finding similar others, so a surprising amount of people depend on the meetings as an outlet (I say surprising because the 'Net has provided a communication forum that has replaced the need to meet personally for many folks). As the website states, a lack of local volunteers has been difficult for the group, but we just found a new meeting space after a long search. Actually I just quit my organizing functions with them, and can devote some time to _completing_ the website this summer.

posted May 29, 2003 02:33 PM         

SunShyne

posted May 29, 2003 06:26 PM         

I will read the links later, thanks!

posted May 30, 2003 02:42 AM         

juniperb -- you are an adoptive and foster mother extraordinaire to so many four-leggeds!

trillian-- while growing up I fantasized that my bparents had stayed together. I do have one full blood brother, and possibly a second, although there are Neptunian questions over whether we really share the same bfather. I have a friend who has a similar situation to you, except his bparents found him. Bfamilies try to "claim" you as their own, I find (in my case and others), but what can you do -- you already have a life, family and identity -- so it's tricky. Honesty is the best policy, but it takes quite some time to sort out the complex emotions and needs! Did you ever read The Great Gatsby? I love that novel. Anyway, there's a part where Gatsby demands that Daisy deny that she ever loved Tom, her husband, in the years of Gatsby's absence. She can't, of course. It's like that, in a way.

posted June 22, 2003 09:15 PM         

Well I guess you've read thru the above thread by now... but I'll say a general thing or two about ongoing abandonment and security issues, in terms of my situation, and what I've learned from others.

I am in my 6th year of reunion too, and while "fitting in" isn't a problem with new people -- feeling I "belong" still is. That takes a long, long time, and although my heart and head know where I stand with loved ones, sometimes I just forget that I'm not alone any more. That ol' Ugly-Duckling/Are-You-My-Mother/I-musta-been-hatched feeling. I need reminders, and luckily my true inner circle is wonderful that way.

Lots of adoptees have these ongoing challenges that they manage for better or worse, and the really lucky ones resolve it. I strongly suggest you find a post-adoption support group, in your town or online, because you'll hear so many stories like yours -- and it will help, a lot. In my province, 1 in 7 people are adopted -- thanks to a mainly Catholic culture before the advent of birth control -- many people are, you know.

The blunt truth about adoption is that you _were_ abandoned. It is a grief-filled, hard thing, even in a happy adoption. Humans can carry genetic memory, and we can certainly carry early memory too. So please cut yourself some slack -- even as a baby you internalized many powerful emotions from around you, and your feelings -- which you seem to have a good handle on, by the way -- are valid. Just complex in a different way than people who are not adopted. As far as doing something "quick" re: your relationship, I can't know your situation but it sounds like there's a need for understanding and trust, so all you can do is tell your partner how it is with you, that you are working on it (but only if you truly can do that right now), and ask him/her to come to a support group meeting or read some online resources or books with you-- because it's frequently tough for a non-adopted partner to understand the issues, and they sure need to if they are to offer support and know the difference when a withdrawal is just part of the adoptee baggage, and when it's something else in the relationship instead that needs to be addressed.

Take heart, SeaNymf. You are not alone. There are so many people who feel the way you do. Reunion isn't always healing like a fairytale, but you can come out of it more _yoursELF_, ready to take your kNOWledge and build on your true foundation. And get to the bottom of your fears.

posted June 23, 2003 04:13 PM         

From reading your other posts, I get the feeling that you need some help and a support system. You've come to the right place, there are lots of compassionate souls here. But like LG, I would urge you to seek something close to home, too. Our issues are unique to us.

LG is right, bottom line, you _were_ abandoned. And now it's time for you to find some resolve to that. It's still your karma...still your path, and as adults, we can not blame our parents' poor choices (or what we might perceive as poor choices, it's still our chosen karma), for who we are. We have to deal with what we have dealt to ourselves.

It's rare that I hear a story as horrific as little Kirti's, in SunShyne's posts (still hoping for a pic!), but she is now with loving and nurturing people who will guide her through her formative years...and hopefully that will give her the nourishment she needs to be a wonderful adult with a zest for life. I get a really good, positive vibe when thinking about her...like she will be a real mover/shaker in this world, impacting people's lives in wonderful ways!

Personally, if it would help, I'd be happy to join in a discussion of these things. My relationship with my Bparents is not perfect...far from it. But it is what it is and next week I'll go visit them.

There are many ways to find healing...I hope you will find some insight here, there are others who share your experiences and are willing to share/help.

posted June 24, 2003 09:21 AM         

{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}