posted September 16, 2003 07:08 AM         

i was wondering if you could do me a slight favor.

i tried for ages and msn does not seem to want to acknowledge me at all, i have tried several different things, and none have worked. you started the LL photo group on msn right? i was wondering if you have 'adminny' type powers, and if you could delete my photos for me as i cannot seem to do it myself due to msn's strange login/pass/etc proclivities.

thank you and i hope you are well! you are a person that i admire very much and i will miss you, wish we had of gotten to know each other better, you are marvellous. i dont feel a part of this community at all, although i tried, so i would like my photos removed. as a side note if anyone would like to communicate with me still (id love to talk about gooberz *hugs silverbells* and other things too, not limited to metaphysics) i can easily be reached by email at abstractica@hl-dc.com and there are many of you that i would love to remain friends with. i just feel that this really isnt the place for me, as every second post i seem to **** someone off, hurt their feelings, or what have you. i just dont feel comfortable where i have to question every word i type, so im moving on. i am not a horrid person, i just simply do not fit in this particular puzzle. being not willing to manipulate my edges for the sake of fitting in, i am off to find a new puzzle that i can fit into without folding parts of me over. if that makes sense.

anyway, i wish all of you well, and silver my dear friend... we wont lose touch. look in your mailbox next week

love to all and have happy lives

~faery

and for the last time, a few words from radiohead...

------------------
where i end and you begin there's a gap in between there's a gap where we meet where i end and you begin
and i'm sorry for us the dinosaurs roam the earth the sky turns green where i end and you begin

posted September 16, 2003 10:26 AM         

i got one email from you. you sent others? i did not get them :/ i have been waiting to compose a decent response which is why you havent gotten one yet, but there apparently are these things called snails that send things, but they move pretty slow

anyway for email i didnt want to just write something stupid heh. so, im waiting till i have some energy, i am very exhausted right now for various reasons, and i have been a bit ill.

the lindaland picture album is at um... http://groups.msn.com/LindaLandjoints/shoebox.msnw?Page=1 there is the link. im in there on the last couple pages, so better look now :P

posted September 16, 2003 01:11 PM         

It's too bad you're going, but what can I say -- you are very clear and authentic in your reasons why, and in respecting you and them, all I can do is wish you much joy and comfort.

I'll see you in the ethers, anyway...

posted September 16, 2003 01:57 PM         

It's a public forum. People disagree, then kiss and make up. Or they go their separate ways and just agree to disagree. That's the way life's interactions work. Not everyone will always get along. That's also pretty much a given.

People come here because they strive in some way to walk a higher path. Or to find a friend or two of a like mind. You've certainly achieved that. People have been supportive, they've been your friends, and even those who disagree have tempered their posts.

It's our expectations that often get us into trouble. You're essentially telling us we have to treat you a certain way, or you'll go away. So that's not much different from what you're saying we do to you, right? That we expect you to act a certain way, or we're treating you poorly?

Why don't you maybe mull this all over and wait till Mars and Mercury stop screwing around with the ethers, and see if you feel any better.

posted September 16, 2003 09:04 PM         

I will delete your pix as per your request, but you can post them again next month when you will be back to your usual self , coz I swear - you will be back again, anabanana

(unless you are 29 and are going thru your Saturn return - dat will take you 2 years)

posted September 17, 2003 09:20 PM         

You are brave to give something up rather than alter yourself. I respect that. "To thine own Self be True"

They say Light always attracts darkness, don't they? And the intense reactions others have had to your opinions is a good indication to me that your words had some worth. Hard to deal with sometimes, but I believe a little discord and dissent in the ranks is a sure sign you're on to something. I hope you find it.

posted September 18, 2003 12:08 AM         

i have been composing something in my head that might help y'all to understand why i have to step back. cant seem to get the right words yet. its a bit complicated though. ill think about it some more and if i can explain how im feelin, ill write somethin'.

a lot of it is due to the fact that the mere person i am hurts a couple of people that i really think are neat, i admire them. i just dont like doing that (hurting people), but i just cant change my self. theres a few other reasons that arent that important really. its not exactly what you said though trill. its not a matter of 'i will stay here if you treat me a certain way' at all really. its not pokes either. i can take it if someone snaps at me, barring any unforeseen temporary vulnerability i might be going through. in my 'hug' thread i was in that very place, which is why i sort of lost it. considering the circumstances, i dont think i was that awful. it was pretty obvious where i was emotionally in that thread, im sure most reasonable people would forgive me my little outburst.

anywho, i would actually rather people said what they feel/think to my face. like that comment that you got, lioneye. its much better that sort of comment, where its out in the open, and you actually know whats going on and have several options to deal with it. i am capable of handling those types of comments, and many of you have seen me deal quite ably with some of them, notably the george bush thread. heh. i was pretty much accused of being an ignorant imperialist racist, but i think i proved otherwise. anyway, that sort of thing doesnt bother me too much. i can get mad, express myself, my position, then eventually after the steam has cleared, there is closure. what i cant really deal with are hidden digs, the type where the person who is poking you doesnt have the guts to actually tell you so to your face, and give you an opportunity to actually address the issues, but where there are little snide comments that *you* know are digs, but anyone else who doesnt know the background sees them as innocent. im sure most people would rather get comments like that one ash made to you, than the other kind.

anyway wow, what a tangent. i sort of rambled there for a minute, sorry. ^_^

anyway, yea, i dont particularily enjoy hurting people that i kinda care about. the second reason is sort of an auxiliary one. i have hypertension, high blood pressure. its ok most of the time but in stress it can be nasty. when its bad i feel as though i am going to have a heart attack or something. thats happening now, and i really dont need the additional stress of always seeming to fall into controversy blindly when physically i am not that well.

mentally i am ok though right now. i had a bit of a depressive episode, but the steam from that wound has abated. im back to my normal self in that regard, now my body needs to realize it. its a bit slower than my mind.

anyway those of you with high blood pressure probably know what im talking about. you can FEEL your blood pumping. you feel hot, you get cluster headaches, your hands shake, etc. i had a bad blood pressure attack a few months ago, and it was nasty. i couldnt stay on my feet, i started to sway, face turned ghost white (and i am already pale as the inside of a potato), my eyes went all weird and if they hadnt of sat me in a chair, i would have fallen on the ground. it was so weird and i did not like the sensation of the room suddenly seeming very far away, voices seemed through a tunnel, ugh. i stopped doing drugs a long time ago because i did not like not having control over my senses/mind (i did hallucinogens in my youth). anyway, thats what happens, reality gets really weird, its very unpleasant. i vomited after that for about 5 minutes, it was awful.

soooo, ive got to just seriously relax. i am trying to keep my stress level down, and part of that is not being involved in any sort of emotionally charged events. i really need a vacation, lol. that would do me a world of good. i will be seeing my husband this weekend though, thats good. ill have two days away from this rotten apartment in this graceless noise polluted area i live in. i am a libra remember... one of the notable things about libras which may not be that well known, i dunno... but one of the things about libra is that we are very sensitive to our aesthetic environment. ugliness around us can make us physically ill. its certainly contributed, in my case.

also what might not be readily apparent although i do believe linda explained it, in sun signs, if im not mistaken, is that libras also get physically upset at arguments and things like that. strife of any kind. now i can handle a lot of disagreements, but eventually they do wear on me. i just dont need to have another right now. i dont pick fights usually, but they happen to me as they do to lots of people. its just life. usually i can handle it, i do have a tad of fire in me *wink wink nudge nudge*... but when theres soooo many other things stressing me, i just really dont need another straw on this camels back.

im just a little worried about the state of my physical body and even though i did want to die last week (or whenever it was) im gliding away from that place, and my curiosity is coming back. id like to see as much as i can of what happens to this boulder in space, sooo... i have to calm down a bit. im a little scared now heh. just... i can feel the stress in my body like a taut wire, so its rest time. i have medication for it so thats good i spose. and yes, the doc is aware of it, so dont nobody worry.

whew. i wanted to address all of you individually but that will have to wait for now as i am a bit tired and i gotta lie down for awhile.

and btw, that disclosure isnt some sort of pity play, i am not manipulating anyone to think 'oh poor her', im just giving an honest reason for my leaving. its just a fact, nothing more nothing less. people will believe what they wanna believe, but for what its worth thats the truth.