posted March 25, 2004 10:24 PM         

I'm just wondering if anybody wants to please post in on this question with me.

Does anyone out there think that we are usually drawn to companions/mates, whether we marry them or not, who will help us to 'finish the unresolved business' which we have with the parent of that same sex?

For instance, I think that I have a 'Daddy complex' in the sense that I definitely tend to be attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable, or challenging to gain attention and priority from in some way.

Like, I came second with my Dad, so now I choose a man whom I will also place second with too...

and by somehow finally 'winning' that attention and approval from this new man in my life now, I will in some way be able to resolve the fact that I never got it from that first man in my life, my Dad.

I think that men do this a lot too, where they choose a woman whom they will have power struggles and approval issues with because they had power and approval 'stuff' with their own Mom's as a child.

I think this is a popular concept in pop psychology, where they try and trace the dysfunctions we have in our romantic relationships to that first 'love' relationship we ever had with the opposite sex in our lives, that being the relationship of the father/daughter and the mother/son.

Is that all just a 'bunch of hooey,' lol, or do you think that there might be more to all of that than what some people give it credit for?

I'd really, really love to hear any and all replies to this question if you have the time to answer it with me.

Thank you so very much!

posted March 26, 2004 01:02 AM         

I spent years trying to avoid JUST that! Then i finally married a man who was spineless, yet domineering underneath the placid exterior -- I can just say that this relationship didn't work out either.

posted March 26, 2004 11:12 AM         

For me, my dad died when I was pretty young, 6, so my memories of him are slim. I recall him as generally happy and loving, and adoring me.

Now, I have a birth-dad (adopted child), whom I met, along with my birth-mom, about ten years ago or so. I have issues with that man, I suppose. But I don't think I'm attracted to men like him.

posted March 26, 2004 11:58 AM         

My current beau, and quite possibly the man who will become my husband DOES remind me of my dad in several ways. He even has some of the same idiosynchrities as my dad, like saying "ooOOH?" when I tell them something, really emphasising the 'oo' sound with tight round lips...they sound so simular it's spooky! Both have gargantuous appetites, both watch the news religiously, both are tight with money all year but buy expensive gifts at Christmas, both sneeze extremely loud and give you a heart attack, both have prominant chins...HECK, they even smell the same! I could go on, but I'm starting to weird myself out

posted March 26, 2004 12:47 PM         

I know just what some of you mean about seeing this pattern and sometimes not having success in avoiding it, but still making a serious attempt to reverse it's entrance into your life anyway though.

I notice that the people I am interested in, even if only on a male friendship level, just have a 'wild, unattainable, not homebound streak' in them a lot, and that is just so much like my father in a way, who was a philanderer all throughout his marriage to my mother.

I like wild, adventurous qualities in a friend or a mate, but in terms of a mate at least, I do also want them to make loyalty and emotional availability to me and our future family the top priority for them in their lives too though.

trillian,

Thanks for those specific terms for these circumstances as well.

I had heard one of those terms before, but now I will make it a point to read further up on both of them though.

And finally lioneye...

WOW!

You took the very words right out of my own mouth where this is concerned.

I really couldn't agree with you more!

I was just thinking about it earlier too, and the analogy I used for it is like that of an older child who always reaches for that same 'baby blanket' all the time even though it may not feel that good on their skin anymore, because that's THEIR blanket and it's the only one they've always reached for out of their ingrained habits for as long as they can remember.

I was thinking about how the dynamic you have with your parent of the opposite sex might possibly just get so stuck in your system that it IS hard to get past it sometimes and reach out for a new dynamic with a spouse etc... later on, even if that dynamic with your parent was / is unhealthy for you.

I am just going to keep trying to get myself more and more healthy so that I can definitely attract a really compatible man for me when the time comes and I really want a serious relationship in my life.

Thanks again for all these responses!

If anybody else here has anything to add, please feel free to do so, lol!

posted March 26, 2004 01:44 PM           

Fun stuff, huh?