posted May 26, 2004 08:59 AM         

i read this article the other day about Dame Cecily Saunders, the woman who started the modern hospice movement. her life has been spent trying to comfort the dying and their families - and trying to break through the barriers we have built up around this aspect of life. she is now in her eighties and the interviewer asked her how she herself would like to die.
she said...
"Everybody else says they want to die suddenly, but I say I'd like to die of cancer, because it gives me time to say I'm sorry, and thank you, and goodbye."

this blew me away, this way of thinking. to have the time for closure, reflection, relationship.

i'm your age and all four of my grandparents are still alive - i know how lucky i am , and i know that when each of them dies i will be a total wreck for months. but i do hope i get to say goodbye, and let them know how much they have influenced my life in unbelievable ways. what better gold to give to someone you love on the last journey of this lifetime.

perhaps you can read what you wrote above to your grandpa, or ask another to read it for you.

and don't be too hard on yourself. it's not easy and you don't have to be strong and accepting. let yourself grieve in your own way - your tears are for sadness, but also for a lifetime of joy from this man. that's what we do to each other.

love and light to you and your very special grandpa,

xelena

posted May 26, 2004 09:53 AM         

Your grandpa understands. His love for you transcends all. And that is true.

posted May 26, 2004 12:34 PM         

You may think it's a strange thing for me to say, but that was very brave of you. I (think) I know exactly how you feel since I felt the same way for my grandfather who has passed. I am worried I am acting the same with my father for many, many reasons.

Thank you for forcing me to think.. I have a a week of pain and release, and it was apt.

Thank you for being brave and sharing. You've given me inspiration to begin to do the same and trust that people care too.

posted May 26, 2004 02:35 PM         

It is so hard to see those we love and admire grow old and near the end of their time here on Earth. I lost my grandma to Cancer in 2001 - and watched her waste away. She was also a fire sign, a Leo and very vibrant.

I understand your fear, you want to touch him and hug him, but his fragile state prevents you from doing just that. My heart goes out to you and your beautiful, intense words brought tears to my eyes. How weird, I had just dreamed of my grandmother last night.....

posted May 26, 2004 03:22 PM         

Fishkitten~ Your words were a comfort, I appreciate that... so true.

Pidaua~ I have read what you've posted about your Leo Grandma, and was affected by those words too.
Thank you. My name is Opal. So of course, they are special to me as well. Plus, they are supercool semi-precious stones.

posted June 04, 2004 11:11 AM         

He was my hero. He had Retinatis Pigmetosa (sp?) (total blindness by age 40) and epilepsy who still cut wood for a living.

A grand Leo who taught me s-elf is the only obstacle to accomplishment.

He passed over at 84 because he said he wanted to. No cancer treatment for him so see ya`s. And a week later, he left! Pure Leo

posted June 04, 2004 01:18 PM         

1. your post brought tears to my eyes and sadness to my heart

2. I have no grandparents left alive and only 1 parent left alive. So make each moment left with him count.

posted June 04, 2004 06:00 PM         

My son missed it but my Nephew has it.

Love and lite to you Pixie

posted June 04, 2004 08:06 PM         

Pixie, my thoughts are with you. I know you mentioned this is your anniversary weekend, so Celebrate your life with your husband and family. All will be well.

I also have been meaning to mention that the self portrait you recently posted, when you got your digital cam, is adorable. Such a pretty, glowing lady, you chose your nick, pixie, well.