posted June 26, 2004 07:39 PM         

Although it is only day two since this piece of furniture has made it’s blessed presence in my living room. We already want to get rid of it. That’s right. Unfortunately this inflatable couch was not all it was blown up to be.

One thing is for sure. It was $40 bucks sucked quickly down the drain.

Why did we make such an impulsive, not at all well thought out furniture investment? What sign was the moon in that day? I bet it was Aries (impulsive, enthusiastic). Was the moon possibly squaring one of our natal Neptune’s ( confusion, illusion, fantasy)? I don’t know, or furthermore care, to probe the depths or dimensions of inflatable furniture buying and it’s correlation to transiting planets aspecting the natal chart.
All I know is this thing sucks and I can’t believe we purchased it. I mean we are both Taurus’. We are supposed to be the practical - rational ones in the zodiac. All we want is comfort - stability. Something this “couch” was severely lacking.

It seemed okay at first - it was cute we thought. Like a giant beach ball or something. But in all reality it’s just a big bubble of air, taking up far too much space in our tiny living room.

For example, last night - excited by the prospect of our new “couch” - we decided to pop in a movie. We were normal people now! We had a couch! Or so we thought. About halfway through the movie, I noticed, to my bewilderment, we were not at the same level of elevation we were at an hour or so ago.
What’s this? Is the TV stand growing?! No. Sadly we were sinking. “Oh, that’s right, I’m on an inflatable couch!!! How silly of me!” And to think this would last us more than a day, would stand the test of time, maybe we’ll pass it on to our children, when and if we had some. All of the things you think about when investing in a piece of furniture. Reality had struck - and hard.

To make matters worse this “couch” almost caused a huge blowout between my boyfriend and I.
It all started when he got up to go to the bathroom. With that simple action, I was left helplessly bouncing about - my glass of water spilled all over me.
“God damn it!” I yelled.
“You know this isn’t like a regular couch. Try and be a little more considerate when you get up, will you PLEASE?!?!!”
“Sorry!!” he said, glaring at me, obviously annoyed with the circumstances.
I mean this really sucks. To get on and off this thing peacefully, without a fight breaking out, are we to hold hands, and synchronize our movements on and off of it??

Another near miss happened. As the “couch” was slowly - sneakily - deflating on us, we sort of started to inadvertently lean into the sides of one another. Until the sides of our shoulders and heads were touching. Luckily, this all happened in Slow Mo. Otherwise there would have been a serious bumpage of heads. I mean this is dangerous. Don’t you think? Not to mention the fact that as I was returning from fetching a new glass of water - I sat back down, and almost sent a loved one propelling through the air. I shudder at the thought of what could have happened to him.

After unsuccessfully trying to peacefully watch a movie with my boyfriend - who had somehow morphed into my little brother in the way we were fighting, just like my brother and I used to do on long car rides -threatening the other not to cross “my side” of the back seat.
"DON'T MAKE ME TURN THIS COUCH AROUND!" I swear I heard my mother scream - like the way she always used to.
I decided to give the couch another shot. Maybe I just needed to break it in. It is brand new and all. So I decided to take the new book I bought and have myself a nice read, curled up on our new couch.

The strong odor of shower curtains engulfed me - it was overwhelming. Which reminded me, I think it’s about time to change ours. I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading, my mind kept wandering…..maybe I was getting high off the fumes.

It was all quite unnerving. I mean, here I was lying on this thin plastic thing filled with air. I don’t even know the weight limits of it! For all I know it’s about to burst right now! All through the movie and even now still - I couldn’t get the underlying panic of this reality out of my head. It really could pop at any moment, just one wrong move is all it would take. I could envision it now. I would come crashing to the floor with a POP and a Thud.
The main purpose of a couch is to relax on it. Unfortunately this kind of couch just induces panic attacks.
No, it’s not just my Virgo moon talking.

Refusing to let this thing scare me, I remained on it. I even bounced up and down on it a bit. Just to show it who’s boss. “Remember couch, I gave you life and one sharp object is all it will take to end it.” “Don’t push me.”

As I was reading the words of my book and not absorbing any of it - I pondered to myself, “I’m actually sitting on a couch…..yet I’m not. I’m sitting on air. I’m sitting on nothing!”
“I’m floating!! Oh, my God.”
“I’m FLOATING!”
“No - LEVITATING!”
“Something I’ve tried to do all my life through meditation with no success!”
“Look Ma! No hands! I’m floating - I mean levitating!!”
“Wweeeeeeee!”

Suddenly I had a newfound respect for this so called couch. “Thank you my couch! My teacher!”
When I really think about it I did feel a sense of déjà vu with it upon its arrival. And looking back I realize I have KNOWN this couch before.

“You were my “floaties” when I was learning how to swim.”
“My support, while relaxing in the pool, on that hot summer day, while I was sipping lemonade getting a tan.”
“And I held on to you for dear life as we flew, recklessly down many a snowy hillside, so many winters ago.”
"You are also that thing the nurses use to take my blood pressure........that hurts, you know."

My couch, my companion, my guru.
“I have awoken. Is it too late? Have I failed you?”
“I see you are not replying. I get it - I am to look within.
You are so wise.”

I am now torn as to what to do with my couch. Depart? Deflate? It all seems so easy, yet now too hard.

Wow. Imagine how I’d be if I was male and owned a blow-up DOLL.

posted June 26, 2004 11:33 PM         

I really needed that - I'm considering copying and posting it into the happy thread in Global as something that makes me happy!!

Gonna print it and show it it to all inflatable lovers! - just read that back, can you imagine?? I mean lovers of inflatable things!!

posted June 27, 2004 04:57 AM         

I've corrected some typos and added one thing - so read it over again!!

Isn't laughing the best?!?!!

Philbird, you're right. I think I will make a copy of this, and hold on to it.

posted June 27, 2004 12:29 PM         

You could shove the deflated couch in the microwave, nuke it till it becomes a ball the size of a baseball, and play ball.

You could also use the same ball as a gazing ball, put it on your coffee table (if you own one) and meditate on why you purchased a bright green, plastic couch the color of nucular waste, and how you are going to get it off the planet without poisoning anything else in the process.

You could make a lifetime supply of condoms. (possibly glow-in-the-dark)

Cover your outhouse roof so it is waterproof.
(I'm assumeing you don't have plumbing)

Make a raincoat to protect you from acid-rain.

Use it to cover your TV at night, only leave the TV on so they can have a nice conversation about how they would like to get back at the co.s that sold them to you in the first place. Or talk about the microwave behind it's back.
I don't think I'm at my creative best today, so I'll just stop here.
Maybe we could have a plastic party, kinda like tupperware.

posted June 27, 2004 04:47 PM         

26... that was priceless.. I laughed out loud til I was crying!

That could be a classic stand-up routine!

Have you considered writing or comedy? What do you have in Gemini/Sag??

Thanks for the laugh!

Blessings...

A

posted June 28, 2004 01:23 AM         

I like the gazing ball idea. A TV cover? that was great!

Now you've got me going again.
How will I be rid of this burdonsome couch, without damaging sweet mother earth?

I could get naked - wrap myself up in it - tie myself off with a bow - and suprise my boyfriend when he gets home from work.

I could purchase some oars, set sail, and finally fulfill my life long dream of living on a house boat.

I could melt it down into liquid form and quickly give myself a bikini wax, before it hardens back up again.

Or how about, make some plastic furniture covers out of it, and sell them to old people.

Melt it down, and mold a couple of frisbees out of it - and give them to the local nieghborhood children?

Better yet, mold it into a few hundred plastic wine corks and sell them to a local winery.

Alright, I know you can think of some more. Come on. And anyone else?

*******************************************

Aselzion,

I'm so glad I made you cry!!!
You know I used to write poetry when I was younger. This is probably the only funny thing I've written. Maybe I'll start doing this more often. I guess the goings on of my head can crack more people up than myself.

posted October 13, 2005 09:36 AM         

That was so funny it made tears come to my eyes.