posted July 24, 2004 11:00 PM           

Raindrops, have you been in my head?
The things that you said ain't off
About the stuff you've read
You hit the mark instead
So
Now I think it's time that I did some explaining
So next time you reeeeeead
Perhaps you'll understand me...

Your first response on the thread that shall probably hereafter be known as "Dafremen loses popularity contest" really intrigued me. I thought it only fair to respond to such thoughtful words and sensible observations.

What you mention in that thread is noticing a change in my writing. (It's nice to know that someone's reading!) You couldn't b mor right. I am changing, in negative ways over the short term, wonderful ways over the long term (God willing.)

All of this, the insightful loving posts that you may remember from last fall, the less insightful and loving posts of late, came about as a result of an experience I had which I'm certain is not an isolated one. (Although certain aspects of it make it fairly unheard of in it's uniqueness, aspects that I'm not at liberty to discuss at this time.) During the course of this experience which lasted about 3 months or so, I changed dramatically. THe entire thing culminated in a 6 hour visit to a place that I now know is inside us all, but which up to that time, I had never known existed.

It was during this 3 months, that I seemed to understand so much more than I can recall. I could understand th underlying motivation behind people's words and respond appropriately. I could see the fallacy behind many "truths." Most importantly, I saw the very nature of my existence, and my relationship with God. (Which so left me in AWE that I fell to my knees when I saw it and begged for forgiveness.) Frankly, it was all very overwhelming. Still, it was a blessing and a necessary step along my spiritual Path.

What followed that final 6 hour experience was "fading away" of much of what I had felt. The incredible clarity was replaced by memories of the things that I had known and seen during that period. As you know, memory is never as accurate as we would like it to be. Certainly not as lucid as the actual experience.

All throughout this 3 month period, my wife was very much confused by my behavior, along with most of the people who had known me up to that time. (One exception was our friend Meili. She knew what was happening and responded with support and questions designed to help me guide myself through the experience.) Daily, my wife would ask me NOT to indulge my ascetism, not to get so "into it." This became an excuse to turn away, which was as it was meant to be.

The fading was followed by a period of...REJECTION. My self tried desperately to make this experience NOT be a reality. I ate constantly, drank whatever I could get plastered off of, smoked pot, swore and behaved in a manner befitting the dirt in me, and not the light. The ego was trying to BURY the spirit which it had given over control to for that short period of time.

Well, as you can imagine, this whole thing has left me in a strange limbo place. Knowing what it is that I am to do, be and feel, unable to do be or feel that way. For the longest time afterward, I have been very miserable.

A glimpse such as this serves as either an incentive for one to continue through the hardest trials remaining on their path, or as a cause of great misery if one should refuse to continue...

I hope that this at least begins to help you understand the contradictions in my writing, my attitude and the way that I have been.

As a sort of progress report, I have come to terms with the ego. It is not something to be abolished by force, but by its own volition. I am now learning to appreciate it, and befriend it rather than eradicate it, lest I make it my worst enemy.

(Apparently it has a problem with being rejected and reacts quite unpleasantly. )

Thank again for your very interesting and accurate observations. I look forward to reading some of your stuff. I think Meili is quite correct, you have a great deal to say that many of us at Lindaland would be well advised to listen to, should you choose to share.

You are in my thoughts, friend.

Love, light and life...one drop in an endless ocean,

posted July 25, 2004 05:56 AM         

What funny lyrics.

Well, guess what. I spent an entire Sunday afternoon writing up a response to the other thread and then I found that it's closed. But hey, it's a good thing, especially if it has already served its purpose.

It seems like you have been having it quite rough, eh? I know how that feels as my life has been a bumpy road also. As a matter of fact, you may have guessed that's why I chose the name Raindrops, cos "raindrops keep falling on my head". THey still do, but I think I'm seeing a glint of hope in the future ...

So thx for the invitation to post more, butreally, between my life's drama and karma, I already have my hands full. I enjoy popping in here now and then, "smelling roses" and practicing my voyeurism in my invisible jet; having one or two of my secret laughs and frowns. This is nice, and is probably the best for me at this stage in my life. I'll still post though, when I feel I should and when I can afford the spirit to.

Thank you for you and Meili's kind words. I hope you will take good care of yourselves, and I look forward to reading more of your brilliant posts and adventures, like the overwhelming experience you mentioned in this thread.

* * *
This is, indeed, a lovely place. I'll see you around.

Peace and blessings,

posted July 25, 2004 10:32 AM         

Please, when you post e mail addys, know you are allowing a slew of unwanted mail in the form of virus`s, porn, spam ect to flood your inbox. After dealing with it myself, I always feel the need to put the reminder out.

juniperb

posted July 25, 2004 10:04 PM         

And it's good to know that you're out there, somewhere, having adventures and who knows when you might pop in and visit us just to say hello and tell a story or two. Friends that come and go and knock on your door at unexpected times (and yet seemingly always at just the right time) are, I think, the very best kind.

posted July 25, 2004 11:27 PM         

Juni, I actually thought about the problem you mentioned. But as I said, since my visits are irregular, I thought I'd just leave my email for Daf, just in case.

But yes, I'll take your advice and remove my email addy.

And Tink (singing) "aint's it good to know, ain't it good to know, ain't it good to know - you've got a friend."

Thanks again.

Peace and blessings,

posted July 25, 2004 11:42 PM         

juniperb