|
Author
|
Topic: *sigh* How do you handle anger?
|
trillian
Knowflake Posts: 4050
From: The Boundless
Registered: Mar 2003
|
posted August 04, 2004 07:29 PM
 
You know, you really don't have to read what is bound to be a rambling regurgitation of a confrontation I had this afternoon...I think I might feel better just by purging. But if you do read it, your impressions are most welcome, as well as how you think you'd handle the situation.This story involves a part-time co-worker, we'll call him Sam. Two weeks ago, I left him a detailed note with upcoming dates I could use him in my department for some fill-in work at the end of August and beginning of September, asking him to respond ASAP. After a week, I'd not heard anything, but ran into him in the office. He said "Sorry I haven't gotten back to you, but those dates are fine, I can work them." I said "You're sure all the dates are good?" "Yes, no problem, happy to do them. But could you leave me another copy of the list?" Sure, no problem. He had the list later that day (I always make copies). Well, that day was a week ago. Since he'd commited, I didn't think much more of it, but I left him a reminder note earlier today anyway (because he is forgetful and seems to refuse to keep a calendar, which is why I make copies). He came to me this afternoon, saying he could only work three of about 14 days. He'd forgotten other commitments that' he'd made months ago. It's not the first time he's forgotten other commitments, and I was frustrated and angry.
"Sam, you told me you could do these dates. If you couldn't have done them, you should have told me two weeks ago, when I originally asked you to be prompt with a reply." Well, this went back and forth a few times, iwth him repeating his other commitments (which were not the point) and with me obviously agitated. Inside I was thinking, it's an inconvenience, but it will work out, I'm just frustrated. But then. He said, "Well, the dates aren't till the end of August. It's not like I'm not giving you plenty of notice." Notice? Uh-uh, not 'notice' at all. At that point I was truly angry, that he would try to put it on me. He wasn't giving me notice, he was reneging on a commitment, though in time for me to hopefully find a replacement. Big difference in my mind. I felt justified in my anger, and said "You know what Sam, bottom line, you should have told me this two weeks ago. End of conversation. Thank you." And he said Thank You, stomped off and slammed a few doors on his way out. Maybe I could have handled it better, but I was angry. Is it necessary to be nice all the time? I am kind, but damn, not always nice. He's 24 and has anger issues. He had a sort of full time job at my company that was eliminated about 5 months ago, and he is still angry about that--despite almost immediately being offered a different full time position at another location of our company. The position he was offered, with his part time experience, was unprecedented, but he decided it wasn't enough money and didn't want to drive the extra miles (though he had spent the last couple of years driving the same mileage for college). So now, instead of being in the business he loves full time, he's working at Radio Shack. OK. Enough. This is long enough. I hope you don't mind me letting this all out here. I'm not sure I feel any better yet, but I'm working on it.  Love ya.
 IP: Logged |
lioneye68
Knowflake Posts: 6062
From: Canada
Registered: Apr 2003
|
posted August 04, 2004 07:46 PM
FRUSTRATION: The feeling that arises when the brain over-rides the body's urge to choke the living shite out of some a-hole who desparately deserves it.  Not a nice feeling, and I know it well. Well, I guess he can't expect to use you as a referrence. Let it go, dear Trilly...the world is full of a-holes and idiots. (I wonder what sign he is) IP: Logged |
Yin
Knowflake Posts: 1409
From:
Registered: May 2004
|
posted August 04, 2004 07:51 PM
The situation you described souns like a power struggle, Trillian. I believe you have said the right thing at the moment. But I know that if I were you, I would have put Sam in his place.
From your post I understand you are his boss. Am I right? And you asked him to do a job for you, right? And you don't work for the government, right  ?
All that presumed, I would have said to the man that the next time he pull one of his tricks on me( make a commitment and then not follow through with it) I will cut his paycheck.
if you don't or can't go that far, just call him in your office and have a long talk with him about what is important for the company and how well he is doing his job.
Bottom line - make him work for you, if he doesn't want to work WITH you. Best of luck. Huggies  IP: Logged |
Philbird
Knowflake Posts: 3396
From: Here, there and everywhere.
Registered: Jun 2004
|
posted August 04, 2004 11:46 PM
Well, I'm not the best at advice of this sort, I'm the employee that did it before you asked type. Now that you know there is an issue here, make a list of his pros and cons as an employee. Remember the saying "Bad is good gone wrong" Perhaps he knew he had these engagements when you asked him to work, and didn't want to dissapoint you, or hoped those plans would change before your deadline. But they didn't. Perhaps he was asked to work those days at Radio Shack. (is a consistant full time job worth more than the few days you offer him)? Perhaps he was angry and threw it back at you because he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. (and having to give up a L.O.L hurt him)
Before the next time you see him, practice trying to imagine his actions were good gone wrong and if that's the case, think before hand what you might say to him the next time you see him. Project different responces to different scenerios, including asking him to commit to one job or another.
My comments aren't ment to let him off the hook, just comments and maybe thinking of a scenerio before hand could give you a chance to address your anger before the situation takes place. When It does take place, you would have already addressed your anger responce, and it will let you see the situation with out your personal emotions getting in the way.
Hope that makes sense! Good Luck! 
MaryIP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Knowflake Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
|
posted August 05, 2004 12:54 AM
Oh.. how do I handle anger?
On what day?
With whom?
What time of the month is it and what else has happened recently?
All subjective.
Today I wanted to throttle someone I work with. I am technically her 'superior' in terms of work ( and other things, but that is another story, we'll leave my work ethic and pride out of it) I went to do something, and she acually said to me.. "No". Point blank, and it was such a stupid thing.....
I said.. "Oh, no... I think I will." and went ahead and did it.
I was like "?????????" How dare she order me anything!!!! I wanted to go off on a tangent and call her 'little girl' and belittle her and all this bad ego stuff.  Anyway.... It was MY issue, and such a stupid thing, but it compounded the other things she does that get on my nerves. She is just one of those people... My patience has worn thin and that takes alot! I'll get over it.So Trillian.. you handled yourself well, and had very valid reasons for being upset. It's not like you inviterd him to a party, he said he'd be there, and then reneged.... This is work, and it is a more serious commitment.
IP: Logged |
paras
Knowflake Posts: 1660
From: the Heart of It All
Registered: May 2004
|
posted August 05, 2004 01:41 AM
It doesn't sound like you went overboard on that guy to me, Trillian. As for how to deal with anger, internally, I could maybe say a little. Not specific to your case, but just in general.For me, the way to overcome anger is with a greater understanding, a broader view. And a determination to stick to that understanding despite what my feelings of the moment are. If you can look at things non-emotionally for a bit, you see that things are what they are, and they are either able to be changed by you or they are not. Anger doesn't do anything constructive. It doesn't solve problems. It just makes us feel bad, wears us down. It's useless and unnecessary. Now if only I could get that to work for me all the time! Anyway, I hope it helps a little. IP: Logged |
DeepIYM
Knowflake Posts: 355
From: Colorful Colorado
Registered: Aug 2003
|
posted August 05, 2004 02:10 AM
As the slacker I want to empathise for him(I'm a Pisces, you get that) But on the other hand, If these things get out of hand and start to affect other people: That can be VERY FRUSTRATING. You were justifyed. You gave him plenty of notice, he was being flaky... I know how hard it can be to Let Go... But Just Let It Go. You were doing the right thing. it's his own problem that he has put upon you. What can you do?Randall III IP: Logged |
dorkus_malorkus
Knowflake Posts: 1061
From: Hopelessly lost........
Registered: Jun 2003
|
posted August 05, 2004 02:56 AM
Hey, you were justified in what you were saying. If he wants to spend the rest of his life in dead-end jobs, good for him, but don't let it get to you. In the long run, it's HIS problem. Sorry you had such a crappy day  IP: Logged |
LibraSparkle
Knowflake Posts: 6034
From: Vancouver USA
Registered: May 2004
|
posted August 05, 2004 03:14 AM
Trillian,I kinda identify with both of you here. Let me explain... I'm a very forgetful person. I have memory issues because I have PTSD and quite possibly ADD  I forget things often and people get frustrated with me... hell, I get frustrated with myself. My six year old daughter just nicknamed me Forget Master about a week ago! So, on that note, I can empathize with forgetful people. As for his rudeness about it... well, that is something I would not have been able to tolerate. I know that I am forgetful, and those around me know I'm forgetful and allow for me to have that fault. I am never apathetic to the person who's PO'd at me this time. As I said, I frustrate myself. Again, I would not have tolerated his rudeness and probably would have called him out on his apathy. Apathy annoys me. It's emotionally lazy IMHO IP: Logged |
Alessandro Damino
Knowflake Posts: 18
From: Breda, The Netherlands
Registered: Aug 2004
|
posted August 05, 2004 08:08 AM
Have a look overhere....... http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/003451.html
Love
------------------
Alex Damino IP: Logged |
Aphrodite
Knowflake Posts: 4992
From:
Registered: Feb 2002
|
posted August 05, 2004 08:33 AM
Hot dog! I'd be ticked off too, Trillian.  Eh, I'd tell him that since he has already committed to the 13 days . . . he's responsible for them. And for the ones he can't make --- he's gotta do what most other people in the working world do --- find another person to do it in his place. It seems like he's got a wrap sheet at such a young age. This could be the straw that breaks the camel's back . . .  Good luck! IP: Logged |
trillian
Knowflake Posts: 4050
From: The Boundless
Registered: Mar 2003
|
posted August 05, 2004 10:02 AM
Thank you all, for taking the time to respond, and for your well-wishes. I do feel much better this morning.Let me see if I can answer some of your questions. Lioneye, you made me laugh. Sam is a Scorpio, but you'd never know it, it's well hidden by whatever rising he has. He's 24 looks like he's 17, and you would think he is the All American Boy until you get to know him a little better. Normally he is the epitome of nice and polite, a devout Born Again, but he has terrible anger issues, and he takes antidepressants for OCD. Well, he was taking them, but I think he has since stopped, as they made him nervous and hyper. I believe he has some serious internal issues. Few of my co-workers know this, but he fell in love with one of our interns, and was almost stalking her... Yin, I am not exactly his boss, he has several bosses in this company. I am his Supervisor in my Department, but he also does part time work for several other departments in the company. I wasn't angry that he couldn't do the work, I was upset with him commiting to it then reneging. And, I'm not sure I mentioned this, but it's not the first time he's done that. LibraSparkle, yes, he is forgetful. And I know this is going to sound unkind, but that shouldn't be my problem. I have compassion for him as a human, but still, it can be frustrating. He can also be a bit lazy and unmotivated, despite how much he loves his job here. He badly wants to be full-time in my department, but even if a position opens up, that won't be my decision. It will be decided by people further up on the food chain than me, and I don't think they have a good impression of him, despite his outwardly sweet nature. Philbird, I absolutely believe his actions were good intentions gone wrong. paras, generally I agree with you about anger. But I have to add that philosophically, anger sometimes has its place as a base emotion. It can spur us on to affect change in our lives, our selves, our surroundings. I won't delve into that now, but in this instance, your advice is valid and welcome. Pixie, you made me laugh too. oops...must go! Will respond to you all later, but I love you and thankyou.
IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
