posted August 06, 2004 12:26 AM         

He is very upset, because I told him, that in Sept. after my 18th birthday, I am moving to Sacramento, and plan on staying with friends (who practically begged me to come).
He says that this is unrealistic, and I am not thinking things through. The truth is that I have thought this through and would not stay with my friends unless 1) I was absolutely sure they wanted me to stay with them 2) I was sure I would be able to get along with them for an extended period of time, and 3) I would be able to find adequate employment there.

I realize a lot of people think that living with friends will be like having a party all the time, but this is usually not the case and that arguments usually occur. My friends and I talked this over extensively, and believe me when I say I am a good judge of character. I would not have considered the offer had I any doubts as to their character or their maturity. These are people that I care about deeply and there was a mutual agreement that we all wanted to help each other out.

My father on the other hand, has done nothing but put me down. When he had his seizure a couple of weeks ago, I panicked and caled my mom afterwards. He had overheard me and had called me stupid. That's what I am to him, is stupid. He hates the way I dress, the way my hair looks, my views, my goals, everything, and he is very blunt and sure to let me know. Because I read Chomsky, and refuse meat from my diet, I am a communist, a radical, and I am stupid. Because I have views different than his own, I am stupid.

While living with my mom, I had to be put on anti-depressants for a few suicide attempts. I am still taking these pills, but they don't work like they used to, and I don't have medical coverage in the state of Nevada. Everytime he insults me, I feel this terrible, sickening feeling. I want to scream, or run away, or worse, and I have no one here to talk to about it. I hate having to burden people with my problems, but it is the only thing that offfers me some relief.

I wonder if he is right about my foolishness of wanting to live with my friends, but I don't have anywhere else to go, no family to take me in, and I fear if I live with him any longer, I will break down and do something really stupid. My heart is aching in the worst way possible.

posted August 06, 2004 12:45 AM         

I'm sorry life is not treating you well right now.....try and cheer up....

Myself, I think it would be a good idea for you to go live with your friends....Lots of kids leave their family when they turn l8, and besides You need a change....Go have fun...start a new adventure...It sounds to me as though you're very mature and I know you can handle it.

....and don't let someone calling you stupid work on your self esteem, either.....YOU KNOW YOU'R NOT STUPID! Your posts tell us the exact opposite...so WE here at LL KNOW YOU'RE NOT, TOO!

Clebrate your l8th, and start a new life. One in which you will be a free from people who like to put you down and make you miserable...Your friends sound like they are good people, and you'll be much more comfortable with them...

...I wish you success and happiness....

YOU CAN DO IT!

Love,
Rainbow

posted August 06, 2004 03:16 AM         

"Hopefully things will change, I've been telling myself that since I can remember"

My dear: right along with hoping comes action. You just hope that hope inspires action. If you want change. Make It! I see my mom now, and she's always making herself the victim... It's so untrue to your S-Elf to think that you are powerless. Only you can make change in your life. If starting a new life is what you desire, Then by all means. Pursue that with dignity. About the Anti-Depression pills. You know... I had the same problem, the ones I used weren't working. so I switched. I just had the night of my life. I felt like a person. Natural and graceful. Something like medicine making a person feel natural? I don't get it.

Dorkus_Malorkus (what's your real name?) Going through the depression of my teenager years... Now, I Think I’m through that tunnel. I feel like a STRONG person for it. Very Strong. I have much much more to say for it. Those years of serious introspection and constant thought of anther world. an alternate world. A world that showed me the true nature of the human mind. What it was capable of and what it was made for. What kinds of distortions it causes the most importuned thing in the whole wide world. Your soul, your heart, or simply put: You.

I know, my dad would yell at me for being weak. While I was crying about all the pain (I felt) he caused me from the divorce and never emotionally being there. Neglecting my feelings. Just the simple want, need, of human love and touch. To touch the human soul. The most perfect and delicate thing in the entire world. As for these hurtful relationships you talk of (sigh) that's a toughie. why? because it is so hard to let go of patterns of negativity, Especially with other people. In fact, with other people it's the hardest. Not to get someone else’s cooperation, but to ask for it and if the answer is NO! or No, or just: no. pick up on these signs and stay your distance. You must be lonely before you know the joy of love. For if we never knew what Loneliness was, how could we enjoy love when we finally find it?

Find your friends, but remember that these issues with your ex-step father will arise in your life sometime, weather that be with a person who you meet that reminds you of your ex-step father, or when it comes time to leave and you have major problems trying to leave because you can't find the strength.

Plus he's just your ex-step father anyway, just a stop in your life. You'll get on the train and ride away to new lands and meet new people. Look for the real gold in life. And that's Love.

Randall III

posted August 06, 2004 09:27 AM         

I'm not belittling your feelings, Dorkus. Just trying to illustrate that what you are feeling is normal, and a part of growing up.

Nor am I trying to negate the abuse you've gone through. I'd be more likely to call your stepfather stupid than you. He is a cruel man. I don't know him, he may have your best interests at heart, and may just be extremely misguided. However, this does not change your situation.

If you have the funds to move, and that's what you want, do it. Get a job. Like Rainbow said, at 18, many peopel strike out on their own. Support yourself. Be surrounded by people you love, and who love you back. Sure, people argue and disagree, as you may do with your friends. That's life. Things work out.

I wish you happiness, dorkus.

posted August 06, 2004 10:03 AM         

Love

posted August 06, 2004 10:33 AM         

I do not want to come off like some know-it-all adult.

So all I am going to say is that it sounds like you have nothing to loose by moving with friends. Even if you only stay with them for a short amount of time before you move out on your own.

Please be careful and don't make mistakes that will have you running back home for help.

posted August 06, 2004 03:07 PM         

The beauty is, that the Universe has unlimited positive possibilities for us. We should never be afraid to make mistakes. Great success requires great risk.

posted August 06, 2004 03:16 PM         

If you friends have invited you go ahead!. Christmas is coming so at the very least you could get a job in retail. I work for Barnes and Noble often on for years... they are the Evil Empire of books but they have pretty good benefits including health care and sick days and vacation(I think you can get the health benefits at 25 hours a week not bad...if you ende up working for them BE CAREFUL you get paid once a week...it easy to spend up your funds because another check is on the way the following Friday) They will start hiring in September/October for Christmas help. If you like it they will keep you on after chritmas easy...

Bookstores are the easiest of all retail but just to warn you if you have never stood on your feet for 5-8 hours before...You will be tired before you get used to it...