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Author
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Topic: Antisocial Personality Disorder???
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future_uncertain
Knowflake Posts: 2681
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted October 19, 2004 11:22 PM
 
Hey... does anyone out there have any experience with this? I've had a terrible time with my son's father since we split up two years ago. We lived together for four years and we had a pretty volatile relationship. That's the biggest reason we split. I thought that once we moved our separate ways, things would settle down, but his behavior hasn't improved. In any case, I have gone to the police several times, last year we had a protection order, he's been arrested, but he seems to have no regard for the law, for my personal boundaries, or consequences to his actions in general. When we first broke up he was pretty hostile with me, but I thought he just needed some time to get over things. His life was pretty bad at the time, no steady job, etc. But now he has been working for a while, things should be better for him, but he won't let go of his anger toward me and he's angry at things that aren't my fault... as in he doesn't see the role he plays in anything that happens to him, everyone is just out to get him. At first I tried not to take him seriously, especially because he would only be threatening when he was angry. Now things have gotten to a point where we can be in the middle of a civilized discussion and he still tells me that one day, somehow, he plans to "take care of this problem," this problem being me. He wants shared parenting with our child (I'm the custodial parent and he has visitiation every week)and I have done everything to facilitate his relationship with his son, who loves him very dearly. When we went for child support I had the amount alotted me cut in half to help him out, I allow him to visit every weekend, even though he's only entitled every other weekend. But he is very emotionally and mentally abusive to me, and, unfortunately, the police can't do anything about this because I can't "prove" it. I could take him to court,but I don't have enough evidence... my word against his. I've told him that before I would be willing to let him spend more time with our son I want him to seek counseling because he doesn't deal with his anger in a healthy manner and he is abusive to me. He sees this as something I am doing to him, that I am keeping his son away from him to spite him and doesn't acknowledge anything I've done to help him. I don't feel safe and a protection order isn't going to help me because he has said that if he doesn't get shared parenting in the next few years he doesn't want to live and if he goes out he's taking me with him. This is a lot of personal information, but I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I am dealing with a person who is simply angry, and my biggest concern is that he doesn't care at all what legal actions I take because he refuses to abide by them and he doesn't care if he goes to jail. When I take action, like with the protection order, he gets angrier with me... again, something I've done to him. When he went to jail (for punching me one day when I picked up our son) he thought it was funny. He still insists that I deserved it. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THOUGH! So... any insight to this problem? Has anyone ever dealt with someone with antisocial personality disorder? Could this be the problem? I know this is long, but if anyone has anything to say, I would appreciate it.Thanks a bunch,
Carissa P.S. Also, I don't think our son should be around him, even though he is very loving toward our son. However, if I deny his visitation, I will go to jail... this is what I have been told by the police. Also, I'm not out to see him get punished, I want him to get help because his son loves him very much and I struggle with the thought of removing his father from his life. This is very complicated for me. Thanks again. IP: Logged |
KarenSD
Knowflake Posts: 534
From: San Diego CA USA
Registered: Sep 2004
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posted October 20, 2004 12:09 AM
I lived for three years with a man (a Libra) who not only had Antisocial Personality Disorder but Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well. It is VERY debilitating to be involved with someone suffering from this/these disorders, which cannot be "cured" or helped via medications or through psychotherapy. Even after the relationship is "over" the trauma delivered to your spirit goes on and on. I understand better than words here can explain. The most important thing for YOU to do is GET INFORMED. There is a WEALTH of information on these disorders on the internet as well as in DSM-IV and other books that you can check out at your local library or find at a bookstore. I don't mean to alarm you, but I cannot urge you strongly enough to find your way out of and away from the danger that being with/near/in any way involved with someone suffering from APD can put you in. Let me know if I can be of any more assistance to you... I'll be checking back here often to see what is happening and hoping you will write. Best to you. And always remember no matter WHAT he says, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Never believe this kind of person. THEY are the ones with the SERIOUS issues here, NOT YOU. Please let me know what is going on! I care!! Karen  SD
(someone who, thank God, is finally free from this very mentally ill person for the last 1 1/2 years and after serious individual and group therapy, the love of great friends and a supportive family as well as my own strong inner resolve, FINALLY healed!!!!)
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pixelpixie
Knowflake Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 20, 2004 12:10 AM
Omigosh.
I am unqualified for this, but I can share stories and offer a shoulder.
Is he an Aries?IP: Logged |
LibraSparkle
Knowflake Posts: 6034
From: Vancouver USA
Registered: May 2004
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posted October 20, 2004 12:52 AM
Here's a site you can use to identify personality disorders.
http://albernstein.com/id57.htm There is a test that can be taken (on a seperate sheet of paper... or notepad or whatever). You can take the test as your self, or as another person. At the top of the page, there are links to several other personality disorder tests. If you're at all interested, browse around the site. He has written some wonderful articles that are there for reading. IP: Logged |
Saffron
Knowflake Posts: 468
From:
Registered: Sep 2004
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posted October 20, 2004 01:28 AM
some books that help:Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence
love and light to you.  IP: Logged |
LibraSparkle
Knowflake Posts: 6034
From: Vancouver USA
Registered: May 2004
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posted October 20, 2004 02:28 AM
Ohh... one more thing.Document everything. Every little thing. Date time details. This is very helpful in court. If he calls you an ugly name, document it.
If he is late picking up your son or dropping him off... document it. Not feeding him well while he's there? Document it. Write everything down. Every screw up on his part... big or small. I would also talk to a lawyer. There are lawyers out there that will work for free in cases like these. Just gotta search.  IP: Logged |
future_uncertain
Knowflake Posts: 2681
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted October 20, 2004 10:15 AM
Thank you all so much for your replies. I have to rush to class now, but just seeing your words helps me feel a little less helpless already. It's a hard situation to describe to those who don't understand... the people in my life-- my family, my friends-- see a criminal (which he certainly is) and I see my son's father and an old friend who needs help. The hard part is realizing that because of his actions I may have no choice but to subject him to legal consequences, but it hurts in my heart because I know he is suffering, too. But for now I have to look after my son and myself. Thanks again and I will check in with you guys later! IP: Logged |
Sheaa Olein
Knowflake Posts: 2864
From: London
Registered: Jul 2004
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posted October 20, 2004 10:29 AM
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LibraSparkle
Knowflake Posts: 6034
From: Vancouver USA
Registered: May 2004
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posted October 20, 2004 11:12 AM
I understand exactly what you mean, hon. My mother exibits similar behavior, and I unfortunately, for my own protection, have had to call the police on her and put a restraining order into effect. It was only for a year, and has long since expired. BUT, it was enough to get the point across.It's wonderful that you can still love the person inside him. Shows what a truly loving and wonderful person you are. You do have to remember though, THIS MAN IS YOUR SON'S MODEL OF WHAT A MAN SHOULD BE. Protect his little mind, as well as his body. His father could do more damage than just physically inflicting pain. Through watching his behavior, you son *could* learn to behave the same way. THAT would be my biggest concern. Maybe keep an open dialog with him about the things he's seen daddy do. Talk with him. Help him rationalize how wrong these things are. Try to counter-effect his behavior. I wouldn't necessarily speak to him about what he hasn't seen. What he doesn't know can't hurt him. IP: Logged |
future_uncertain
Knowflake Posts: 2681
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted October 20, 2004 11:52 AM
Yeah, I'm very concerned about my son. I don't worry about his physica well-being, but definitely his mental health. His father says a lot of inappropriate things to him about me on the premise that he wants to be honest with his son. For one thing, the things he says are very crude, for another, they aren't the truth, just his distorted opinion (I'm talking about name calling here.) But my son is very attached to him, cries for him every night at bedtime... there are so many details and so many things his father has said/done to promote my son's attachment to him in ways that aren't in my son's best interest. For example, saying to him that he wishes we could all live together again and that he can't live with his daddy because Mommy won't let him. What I struggle with the most is trying to decide if it is going to hurt my son more to legally eliminate his father from our lives as much as possible or to take some time and see if things change. You've all been very thoughtful, and I thank you so much for it. Carissa IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Knowflake Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 20, 2004 12:30 PM
Hmmmmm.
This man who is saying things candidly to your little man.. his father or not, isn't right in his assessment of honesty as it is required in this situation. He knows it. He is simply clinging to the notion of 'honesty' to sugar coat how the viciousness of the gesture really is. Delusional is correct.
Well... to counter this, I think.. use your own more enlightened, actually human brand of honesty. Your son can handle the real truth. Tell it like it is. You have just as much weight, if not more.. and you have on your side, actual love and concern, not your own chilldish agendas or retribution.eg; "Honey, I know your daddy tells you things about mommy that he believes are the truth.. but I KNOW you understand that is how your daddy feels things to be.. but you know inside your heart that mommy is not what daddy sometimes says she is. Sometimes people can be good people inside, but not say things they should. They get confused, like when someone turns a light off and you can't see anything but dark. Of course you love your daddy. Just like I love you, and that will never change.. But I know you understand that when daddy says mean things about me or to me, it's not the truth. I don't want you to be confused by this. The simple fact and all that matters isd that we both love you. Even if we are mad at each other, we both love you. We made you out of love, together, and I love that we have you. But when adults love one another, it is different than the love a mother/father and child have.. that kind of love can't break." You know.. something like tha. Keep your gentlenes, keep your truth. Children sense things.. they know. You can't keep viciousness from him, but you can control where it comes from,(*not you*) or how it is retained.
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astro junkie
Knowflake Posts: 10985
From: One of the billions and billions of cosmos hurdling towards a black hole :)
Registered: Nov 2003
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posted October 20, 2004 03:37 PM
I'm so glad I'm not young anymore. And after being with Mr. L and willing to do anything for him, including giving him a child - I've decided no children. The world is just too f'd up, and I have enough of a struggle myself. Not fair to a child.  IP: Logged |
silverbells
Knowflake Posts: 1506
From: The second star to the right (which shines in the night for'eer)
Registered: Apr 2003
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posted October 20, 2004 10:27 PM
Hi, future, I have seen this situation happen with people close to me and I think that while your son loves him, I too think that it would be worse to have your son emotionaly and psycologically abused by his father, especially in "the formative years" that kind of damage could quite possible be with him for the rest of his life; it could be very difficult for him.
You should buy one of those small hand - held tape recorders and carry it with you alll of the time and when he starts to verbally abuse you record it and say stuff like "c'mon the baby is here don't say that in front of him", and stuff like that so that it will be obvious that he has little regard for the damage that he is causing. Especially when he threatns you, get that on tape too. I don't know what your stalking laws in ohio are but you should look that up and see how much time he could get for the threats that he makes. He sounds like someone who feels that he has nothing to lose and people who feel as though they have nothing to lose are very, very dangerous.I don't know if I would call it anti - social disorder. Anti - social is the new term for being a sociopath; I mean is what you are saying that he is actually and really a sociopath? Because if that is the case you could probably get his parental rights entirely revoked (if that is what you think is best and that is what you want). Has he been diagnosed? He sounds more like a psycopath. I heard that sociopaths are not as flagrant as he is because they don't feel the need to be. That is why I said that. Also, again I don't know if he's been diagnosed but you don't want to go into court and start shouting out personal diagnosis; it damages credibility, in my opinion. I hope that you can rectify this situation very soon. ------------------
Get some love in your groove, just get hip to forgive... - Michael Franks IP: Logged |
future_uncertain
Knowflake Posts: 2681
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted October 20, 2004 10:44 PM
Thank you, Pixelpixie, and the rest of you. Astro, I understand where you're coming from that the world is to f'ed up to bring a child into. When I was pregnant with my son that was a major concern and I knew at the time that the relationship with his father was on its way out... But, being Jesse's mother has been overwhelmingly a beautiful experience and overall he is a very happy child. I didn't plan it, but I'll never regret it. He's beautiful, all the way. I thank you for your reply.P.S. For the record... I'm not THAT young!!! And the years haven't been easy...  IP: Logged |
future_uncertain
Knowflake Posts: 2681
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted October 20, 2004 10:54 PM
Hi Silverbells, I just got your post. I do have a recorder now and I plan to use it. Thanks for the info on socio/psychopaths. I don't know what his problem is, I guess I just feel like I know something isn't right and I would like to see him get help if it's available to him and appropriate to his condition if one exists. In the meantime, I have told him that what he is doing is illegal and I can get a protection order against him and now that he knows that I know this, I'm not taking any chances. So for now things are in limbo, just waiting to see what he does. At the next threatening action/word from him I am going to take legal action. Thanks for your support, guys... I'll update you if anything new happens. ~~Carissa IP: Logged |
wildflwrs
Knowflake Posts: 479
From: Albuquerque
Registered: Oct 2004
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posted October 24, 2004 07:50 AM
Hi! My take on this is "take care of yourself! and your son!" Get all of the legal information you can get concerning your rights and protection in this situation. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. We females typically put the care of others before the care of self. You have to protect your own mental health...because a crazy person or an abusive person can be injurious to your mental health. There may be a legal way to ensure that he get treatment in order to have the visitation rights and even to come onto your property. All the best to you. P.S. Perhaps its wise to have someone there when he comes...as a deterent and as a witness.IP: Logged |
future_uncertain
Knowflake Posts: 2681
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted October 24, 2004 09:29 AM
Hi wildflwrs!Thank you for replying. Things have been alright this week since I gave him the ultimatum last weekend. And you are right... often I make it a point to have someone here during pick-ups and drop-offs and it does seem to alleviate the situation somewhat. For now, I know what my rights are (since I had a protection order last year, I can renew that anytime I want to.) so I'm ready to take action if need be. Hopefully it won't come to that, but I am no longer willing to allow him to be a disruption in my life. All of your replies have been an immense help for me. Makes me feel not so alone in the situation and I find strength in that! Thanks, all of you! Carissa IP: Logged |
LibraSparkle
Knowflake Posts: 6034
From: Vancouver USA
Registered: May 2004
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posted October 24, 2004 02:12 PM
How's Jesse? I wonder about his little emotional self. Is he acting out or withdrawing? Having tummy aches or some kind of physical symptom that could be related to anxiety?My husband and I have had to be separated for a period of time. Basically, he needed to pull his head out of his *you know what*. During that time, my oldest had constant tummy aches. She was eating Tums like it was candy. She was that way a lot before he left too. Our fights NEVER took place in front of the kids... but that doesn't really matter. They feel the emotions coming off of us, and it creates anxiety and uncertainty within them. My heart goes out to Jesse as a mom that knows what it's like for a little guy to have to experience such turmoil between his parents.  I don't know that there is anything at all I can do personally to help you or Jesse, but if you think of anything, please... don't hesitate to contact me. You can get an email to me by clicking the link at the top of the FFA page that says (moderated by LibraSparkle). and IP: Logged |
future_uncertain
Knowflake Posts: 2681
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted October 24, 2004 05:23 PM
Thank you, LibraSparkle.Jesse is doing very well. Since the you-know-what hit the fan last week, I've been heaping on the one-on-one time with him. It's been working out very well for both of us. His dad has also been a little better behaved, although he was supposed to pick Jesse up today for a while and he never showed... I thought Jesse would be upset, but he's having lots of fun here with me watching football and cartoons! Just enjoying a lazy Sunday together. Enjoy the rest of your weekend! Carissa IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
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