posted April 28, 2005 08:22 PM              

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Just some silly stuff I found!

Umm ok!!!?!




Just how wrong can futurists be!!??

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posted April 28, 2005 08:24 PM              

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*http://guardian.curtin.edu.au/cga/art/tv.html
*http://www.hahahumor.com/funny-pictures/aboss.gif

'Advertising lingo

What those advertising terms really mean:

New Different color from previous design.
All New Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
Exclusive Imported product.
Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
Foolproof Operation No provision for adjustments.
Advanced Design The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
It's Here at Last Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
Field Tested Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
High Accuracy Unit on which all parts fit.
Futuristic No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Redesigned Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
Direct Sales Only Factory had a big argument with distributor.
Years of Development We finally got one to work.
Breakthrough We finally figured out a use for it.
Maintenance Free Impossible to fix.
Meets All Standards Ours, not yours.
Solid-State Heavy as heck.
High Reliability We made it work long enough to ship it. '
*

'A Cat's Guide to Human Beings

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: They Have Opposable Thumbs Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves.
True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping. Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice. Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
* Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
* Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
* Punishing Your Human BeingSometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives: Use the cat box during an important formal dinner. Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude. Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack. After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling. While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
* Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented. After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

3. How Long Should You Keep Your Human? You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far. '
*
LOL! Gotta love those cats!!!

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posted April 28, 2005 10:41 PM              

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Thanks for those! LOL, funny stuff, esp the home computer! LOLLOL! What do you do, drive it?

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"The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle." Anais Nin

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posted April 29, 2005 09:26 AM              

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Thanks for the funny stuff! I will be borrowing it!!!

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posted April 29, 2005 09:51 AM              

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OMG!

Luuuuv, that first pic, that's so cute!

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posted April 29, 2005 10:33 AM              

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dulicate

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posted April 29, 2005 02:03 PM              

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My husband will love these! I'm so often serious, so thanks for these!
I like them all!!! Thanks!

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Posts: 1
From: Douglas AZ. USA
Registered: Jun 2011

posted April 29, 2005 04:26 PM            

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Thanks Sun-scorp, I really needed that!

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Posts: 15
From: Reno, Nv
Registered: Nov 2009

posted April 29, 2005 04:36 PM            

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I laughed so hard!! Thanks!

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posted May 03, 2005 03:04 PM              

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Glad you all liked them!!! Sorry if anyone had seen or posted any b4.
The duck family are so adorable!!!

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Posts: 3560
From: UNITED STATES, BABY
Registered: Jan 2012

posted December 05, 2012 05:35 PM            

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she died at 9 lolz
the last name was knapkin

not a knapkin

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Posts: 63055
From: Saturn next to Charmaine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 06, 2012 09:20 AM            

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"Fall down 100 times, get up 101...this is success." --ME

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Posts: 63055
From: Saturn next to Charmaine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 11, 2013 01:21 PM            

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*bump*

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"Fall down 100 times, get up 101...this is success." --ME

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Posts: 63055
From: Saturn next to Charmaine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 04, 2013 08:57 AM            

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I guess the duckies pic expired.

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"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles Schultz

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Posts: 63055
From: Saturn next to Charmaine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 05, 2013 10:21 AM            

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That wasn't chicken.

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"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles Schultz

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Posts: 63055
From: Saturn next to Charmaine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted April 29, 2015 02:37 PM            

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Funnybone bump!

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Posts: 63055
From: Saturn next to Charmaine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted April 30, 2015 12:56 PM            

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Also, the bridge is out ahead.

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Posts: 1341
From: Monochrome Rαinbows
Registered: Jul 2014

posted April 30, 2015 02:59 PM            

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And the famous autocorrect fails :D

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Posts: 63055
From: Saturn next to Charmaine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted May 01, 2015 03:05 PM            

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I turned off my auto-correct.

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Posts: 63055
From: Saturn next to Charmaine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted May 02, 2015 02:09 PM            

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It kept guessing different from what I wanted to say.

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Posts: 1341
From: Monochrome Rαinbows
Registered: Jul 2014

posted May 02, 2015 08:24 PM            

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^ Haha, me too

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Posts: 63055
From: Saturn next to Charmaine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted May 03, 2015 04:36 PM            

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Posts: 63055
From: Saturn next to Charmaine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted May 27, 2015 04:34 PM            

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Sometimes, it said ridiculous things.

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From: Saturn next to Charmaine
Registered: Apr 2009

posted June 17, 2015 01:35 PM            

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Bump!

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Posts: 1757
From: n2thedust
Registered: Apr 2015

posted July 04, 2015 05:59 PM            

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Really just bumping the thread

Palm Reader Went to see a Palm Reader. I asked her how she was able read my palm. She replied "By observing the lines and wrinkles on the palm of your hand I can accurately predict your future and tell you about inner yourself". I unzipped my pants and laid my balls on her table. We honeymooned in Vegas the next weekend.

Alice goes to see a fortune teller, who tells her "Two men are madly in love with me!" Alice asks "Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers "Michael will marry you, and Shaun will be the lucky one."

These are really 'BAD'

Joke One

"I almost had a Psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
Joke Two

When two psychics met, one said to the other, "You are fine. How am I?"
Joke Three

A note on the door: "Psychic fair closed due to unforeseen circumstances."
Joke Four

Why do you need to make an appointment with a psychic? Surely they know you're coming...
Joke Five

"I'm actually a skilled mind-reader.
I know what you're thinking.
You don't believe me."
Joke Six

„How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...“
Joke Seven

Q: "What is an astrologist's favorite chocolate bar?"
A: "Mars bar!"
Joke Eight

Q: "What's the difference between a pizza and a tarot reader?"
A: "A pizza can feed a family of four."

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!

"I cheated in the finals of my metaphysics exam - I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
—Woody Allen.

Psychic exhibition cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic who tells her: "Prepare yourself for widowhood ... Your husband is about to die a violent death."

Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies: "Will I be acquitted?"

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Seimei,
Jupiter Nadir

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