posted May 08, 2005 08:52 AM         

Now...I and my friend are seriously worried about this kid. The trouble is that her mother doesn't seem to notice it, and gives her any sort of rubbish to eat because it's convenient, and it's all the kid will eat, rubbish, no fruit, no vegetables EVER. She also comes from the type of social background that encourages anorexia - public school, very competitive environment. She is also exceptionally bright. Apparently all the girls in her class are thin and I wonder whether they egg each other on.
I would really like to take her aside and scare her into eating a bit more, because I had to deal with anorexia not personally, but in my family, and lack of certain nutrients do scary things...hirsutism/hair loss, receding gums (I am seriously worried about her lack of Vitamin C)!! Trouble is - it's a mindset, and once it's present in a child's mind, it's usually ingrained for life. The child is a Capricorn with Aries and Leo parents, and I long to say to her, look, you can be as competitive in certain areas as you like, but you do not need to be competitive with food, and if people really want to form a meaningful friendship/relationship with you, they will love you for who you are, and not the way you look/behave in public/your social appearance/whatever. The trouble is with the upbringing she's receiving - it's all focused on material possessions and outward appearances. Although I haven't got any children of my own, it makes me mad!!!

Has anyone got any advice on this at all, because it is bothering me?

posted May 08, 2005 12:11 PM         

She refuses to eat anything natural... apples, oranges... well, any kind of fruit or veggie but bananas.

At home all she eats is PB&J and Mac-n-Cheese... a handful of other things too, like toast, or scrambled eggs (BUT, scrambled eggs have to be smothered in syrup).

When she's at our house, her dad tries to make it here to pick her up BEFORE dinner because I feed my children real food. If, in the off chance, he doesn't make it before dinner she will choose not ot eat anything. She knows dad will feed her garbage when she gets home.

I have, in the past, required her to eat with the family when she has been here for dinner. If you force her to eat anything she doesn't want to eat, she will gag on it and vomit all over the front of herself to prove her point. This doesn't win any sympathy points over with me as it does the rest of the family. In all honesty, it really p!sses me off.

She has vomited over mashed potatoes and gravy, strawberries, carrots, broccoli, oranges, cantalope... I'm sure there are others that haven't come to mind.

Its a very sad situatuion the family is allowing to go on, labeling her a "picky eater". They are passing it off as though she's going to grow out of this.

I have had to really step back and stop involving myself in the situation. I allow her to go hungry when she's here. Honestly, because I don't want to deal with the puking. I will NOT, however, pretend like her eating is just a simple childhood phase that she is going to grow out of some day.

There is nothing I can do about this situation. The child is not mine. She is loved and nurtured. She is not mistreated (aside from malnourishment, IM[not-so]HO). Its sad. Even as close to the situatuion as I am, I have no control. My anguish is wasted, as is your friend's.

Sure, he could say something to them... attempt to change their parenting, BUT people don't change unless they want to. If they wanted to, they would already be in the process of changing.

By no means am I suggesting enabling is the answer. He should not enable the child. Don't offer her treats and goodies. Only healthy snacks and meals. Even so, he cannot force her to eat it.

She is her own little person who is capable of making her own little choices. If eating is made into a power struggle, the situation is doomed to go down hill.

Children know we cannot control them. We shouldn't give them an excuse to prove it. If we try to force them into doing something they know we cannot really control, they are likely to rebel. Then, we have chaos. Then, the child is fully in control of the parenting/nanny-ing... whatever. Not good.

This is just my opinion, based on my own life experience.

posted May 08, 2005 09:05 PM         

This is a subject near and dear to my heart cause I was anorexic as a child. This is what sounds like is going on with the little girl in your post. I did the same things (tossing food out behind my mother's back, eating little things like 5 saltine crackers for lunch and then playing with the food on my plate at supper).
You have every right to be concerned! I have had major health problems from this. I almost lost both of my kids in child birth and I have joint problems. I break bones very easily. Even though I no longer suffer from this disorder and weigh more than I should.
For me it started with some comments that were made to me about how other girls looked. I developed early and had curves that made the other girls at school tease me. My mother is a twig..straight up and down. She wanted me to be thin and without curves so she began to feed me fruit for breakfast and weigh me every morning as soon as I woke up. She really had no idea what she was doing to me. Once I realized that food was the only thing in my life that I had control of (had an abusive father) I liked the way it felt to feel my body eating itself. The pain made me feel something and the girls at school treated me with respect for having "self control".
What finally set me straight was a nurse that feed me small amounts of food and made me feel important for something other than the way I looked. It was a difficult recovery since everywhere I looked I saw super thin women and everyone talking about diet and exercise.
This girl can be helped...it takes understanding, patients, and time.

Good luck to you and your friend...this little one is in my prayers.