posted June 29, 2005 01:18 PM         

Written by: John Kuhlmann

Edited by: Tony Louthan

Animated by: Josh Ragland

(Josh, John, and Tony are sitting on a couch playing a Gamecube)

Josh: Man all these senseless hours we spend playing PS2 can’t be good for our health. We should go outside for once!

(John, Josh, And Tony are standing outside in attack forms with metal poles in their hands.)

Announcer: MELEE!!!!!!

(All jump forward at each other and screen fades to white. Then a black card that reads “1 minute 13 seconds later” appears. View is set on Tony’s face.)

Tony: You were right josh! This Is fun!

(All are bleeding from some place on their body from many vicious blows from the metal poles. Josh and Tony are still fighting while John is lying on the ground barely living)

John: (in pain) you were right this is a blast!

(Opening theme starts with a fast picture and name of existing characters with select music from John)

(Donkey Kong is standing in the room with his big tie and a giant smile on his face. John, C.J, Josh, and Barry are relaxing in the room on couches and chairs just talking about random thing such as crappy movies and new, suggested, video games. Then Tony walks in and all welcome.)

All: Hey Tony!

Tony: Hey guys how’s it goin’?

C.J.: Well it could be better!!! (Pulls a PSP out of his Pocket.)

C.J.: Never mind!

(Focuses on everyone and DK again. DK goes from a nice smile to a constipated look and craps heavily all over the floor then goes back to a nice smile.)

All: Ah! Awwww… Aw man not again DK!!!!!!!

(C.J. takes a canoe from his pocket but chucks it out the window noticing he does not need it. Then he pulls out a rolled up newspaper and tosses it to Tony)

Tony: (As Tony hits DK on the nose.) NO!!!!!.... NO!!!!!!

John: (Both of there mouths open and they gasp) (To C.J.) “DK DON’T TAKE THAT” MANUVER ALPHA!

(C.J. pulls out some bongos from his pocket and tosses them to John)

(John starts to slowly play a beat on the bongos and then DK’s smile goes to a big frown and he starts jumping up and down with rage! Then John play’s a faster beat and DK punches Tony off the screen turns around and knocks down John. The bongos fall out of his grip and DK goes back to his normal self with a giant smile across his face. John moves to the window)

John: Man that was harsh! (He sees something out of the window but cannot tell what it is.)

John: Hmmm? What is that? Go Go Gadget… Binoculars! (His eyes bulge about 2 inches out of his head. John sees a very hot chick on the street.)

John: (As he say’s “Enhance his eyes get bigger.) Enhance…… Enhance…. Enhance.. Enhance, Enhance, Enhance, Enhance, Enhance, Enhance, Enhance, Enhance, Enhance. (His eyes explode all over the room. He turns around with his eyes perfectly fine and leaves the room as Barry walks in and notices the mess covering the room.)

Barry: MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! Who threw these potatoes all over the room? (Eats a pile of the goop.) Hhhhmmmmmm? These potatoes taste kind of like an old pile of exploded eyes!

Josh: (As he comes out of nowhere) Wow Barry that was an overly accurate guess!

Barry: Josh? Where did you come from? (Exaggerate) Oh MAN, I told you to stop using the (ECHOING) FORBIDEN DOOR!!! (Thunder strikes)

(A black card appears on the screen saying “minutes later” while the view zooms onto John sitting on a bench on the sidewalk in front of our house. Tony, Josh, and C.J. sit on a bench across the street from John.)

(Some black girls walk by and stop in front of C.J., Tony, and Josh.)

Black Girls: (In Josh, Tony, and C.J’s faces) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(They walk away very fast for some reason.)

C.J.: Black people are loud! Hey John! Why are you sitting over there? We need you over here so we can make fun of these black people at full force!

John: Make me!

C.J.: (With weird face.) O..K..? (Shrugs.)

(Some Mexicans walk by slapping each others hand say “ Wuzup essay?”)

John: (As Mexicans pass) Ha ha! Mexicans are funny!

(The Mexicans turn around quickly flashing gang signs and shouting profanities. They pull out their guns and shoot off John’s foot.)

John: (Gets up and runs away as his foot is perfectly fine.) WHOA!!!! That was close.

(Everyone’s mouth was wide open while they were staring at the blown off foot and blood all over the street.)

All: OH MY GOD JOHN YOUR FOOT!!!!

John: What? (Looks at his foot then looks at the bloody shoe across the road.) Hey someone left their shoe behind! Though it looks vaguely familiar! (Scratches his head and ponders.)

Tony: (Grabs a tennis ball and lobs it in the air.) (Yells) NO!!! (10 seconds later the ball hits one of the many Mexicans in the head. They turn and run after everyone as John, Josh, Tony, and C.J. run into the house.)

Josh: Man that was close! But John, what’s with all the racial jokes? What about white people?

John: (In redneck voice) that’s not how it works boy. (Normal voice) Ha, just kiddin! I’ve got none! Anyway, C.J. you have a cheetah in your pants!

C.J.: Oh I know (He pulls a cheetah out of his pocket and just as Barry walks in the room it mauls Barry to death.)

Tony: Wow that was crazy!

C.J. Crazy? You haven’t seen crazy till now! (He pulls Johns torso out of his pocket.)

Tony: Hold on….?

Josh: Man how did you….?

(The camera turns to john as his head is just floating over his arms and legs.)

John: How the F*** did you do that??

(View is focused on Tony and Josh. Their mouths are opened and they just can’t get over the fact C.J. is holding John’s torso in his hand. View focuses on John again and his body is back to normal while C.J. is still holding John’s torso in his hand.)

Tony: John how do you keep doing that?

John: Doing what?

Josh: (Stutters in amazement and confusion) You regenerate for god sake!

John: Regen….. Oh god have you guys been watching Dragon Ball Z again?

Tony and Josh: (Together) No way dude that show is so fake!

Tony: NO ITS NOT!

Josh: Anyway, C.J. what don’t you have in your pants pockets?

C.J.: Oh not everything!! Remember that one time! (Screen gets fuzzy and everybody is in the same place they were standing before the flashback.)

Josh: Hey everybody! Guess what?

John, Tony, and C.J.: What?

Josh: Well it was pay time at the dog food flavor testing plant and I have just enough money left to get us all dinner!

John, Tony, and C.J.: (same time) I’m in!

(Shows a shot of a restaurant with a neon sign flashing that reads “City Wok”. Then the view shows Tony, John, Josh, and C.J. sitting at a table. DK walk up to the table with an apron on but his giant tie is over the apron.)

DK: (With Chinese accent from “South Park”) Heerrrooo rercome to ****** wok, may I take your order preez?

Josh: Yeah I will have a Doctor Pepper with the city beef, city chicken, and some city shrimp.

DK: Ok, ****** beef, ****** chicken, and ****** shrimp. What wirw you have sir?

Tony: I’ll have the same.

John: Yeah me too!

(Flashback stops and Tony Complains...)

Tony: God C.J. your flashback is taking forever!

C.J.: Chill out the end is near!

John: OH GOD!!! GET TO THE BASEMENT!!!! (Runs off screen.)

All: We have a basement????

(Josh, Tony, and C.J. Shrug.)

C.J.: Back to the story! (Screen gets fuzzy again)

DK: And what wirw you have sir?

C.J.: Well it would be cool if I had a root beer! (Pulls drink out of his pocket) Oh never mind!

DK: Well what do you want to eat?

C.J.: Well I want a giant plate of sweet and sour pork. (Pulls a plate of food out his pocket with a surprised look on his face.) Oh never mind!

(An armored Mongolian runs on screen and grabs a big handful of C.J.’s food while DK is walking away and throws it at DK.)

DK: DAMN MONGORIANS

(Black card appears saying “After they have eaten”. DK walks to the table and hands Josh the bill. It reads $40.)

Josh: Ok (flipping through money.) 35, 36, 37, 38, 39 and… crap!

John, C.J. and Tony: (Together) What?

Josh: C.J. do you have a dollar I can borrow? I mean you have everything your pockets for god sake!

C.J.: Sure one minute! (Rummages through his pockets then slows to a stop.) **** I can’t find my wallet!

All: Oh come on, god!

Josh: (whispering to everyone.) Ok this is a Dine and Dash! Repeat Dine and Dash!! (Talking loudly and very suspiciously.) Wow I have to go to the bathroom! (Runs away very fast. Everyone hears the door slam. 30 seconds go by and door reopens.) What are you waiting for? RUN!!!

(John, Tony, and C.J. Run off the screen. DK gets angry and starts to jump up and down with rage.)

(Screen gets fuzzy and goes back to C.J., John, Josh, and Tony standing around.)

Tony: Huh? Well you I guess you really Don’t have everything in your pockets!

John: Speaking of missing a dollar C.J. can I borrow a dollar to get a soda?

C.J.: Yeah, sure hang on one minute (Rummages through pockets and slows to a stop.) (With Great Sorrow) NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Falls to his knees and cries. As he is crying a random little kid walks in.)

Tony: Hey kid who are you? And how the hell did you get in our house?

Kid: You wanna know what a funny word is?

Tony: No we are trying to watch our friend wallow in his own misery!