Posts: 1887
From: blank canvas
Registered: Jul 2005

posted December 08, 2005 11:12 AM         

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by Bill Maher

>>>-
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's
a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
>>>
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a
finger!
If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
>>>
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If
>>>you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>>>
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're
done.
>>>
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your
flavored water.
>>>
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open
it,
his a** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved
the Social Security crisis.
>>>
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
>>>cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge
a**hole.
>>>
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again,
the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just
been
called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
>>>
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were Praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
>>>
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing
that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>>>
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
>>>
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex
a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember
the reason something was a television show in the first place is the
idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>>>
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
Gourmet-Cheese... And I really didn't give-a-sh*t in the first
place,
it's called "small-talk"...
>>>
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to
be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
web
cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
** There, I feel much better now...

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Posts: 2251
From:
Registered: Feb 2003

posted December 08, 2005 11:28 AM         

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I'm ashamed to admit it... I agree with the Starbucks, grocery store, and tattoo ones.

Edited - Also the Classmates. Though I don't think any of them are mowing my lawn.
___________________________________________
Scorpio sun, venus, mars, mercury, and uranus
Libra moon, pluto, and asc.

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Posts: 1136
From: UK
Registered: Jan 2004

posted December 08, 2005 11:47 AM         

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Bloody brilliant.

AT

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Posts: 2056
From: Colorado, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted December 08, 2005 05:46 PM         

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Love that one about the Chinese character tatoos.

"And this one means "Courage."

Lol!

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Posts: 2276
From: London, UK
Registered: May 2005

posted December 08, 2005 07:36 PM         

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*loves it*

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Posts: 1061
From: Hopelessly lost........
Registered: Jun 2003

posted December 08, 2005 11:47 PM         

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those are hilarious

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Posts: 1205
From: and the embers never fade in your city by the lake
Registered: Jan 2002

posted December 09, 2005 02:05 AM         

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There are some days when no matter what I say it feels like I'm far away in another country & whoever is doing the translating has had far too much to drink.

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Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 18, 2006 12:28 PM         

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Bump

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