posted December 09, 2005 09:36 PM         

Sludge, that's it. It's not fog - it's sludge.

Or smog at the very best.

I guess when you are younger you think about how wonderful it'll be when you're an adult and then you become one and you discover the truth about it. Being an adult doesn't give you any of the answers whatsoever. Sure, you knwo how to drive and you can drink some vodka legally - but then on top of all of the unanswered everything there are bulls to pay, debs, work, family, significant others.

it's the terror of knowing
what this world is about
watching some good friends
screaming let me out!
pray tomorrow takes me highter
pressure on people
people on streets

day day day
da da dup dup dup
okay

chippin' around
kick my brains round the floor
these are the days
it never rains but it pours

Sure, you think you'll live your life the way you want to. But then before you know it you're living for everyone else, pleasing everyone else, doing for everyone else. Maybe that sounds like some kind of Mother Theresa - being so selfless - but it's not a conscious decision for most of us. I think that most people don't even notice it most of the time. Or maybe their moods and outlookds are just better than mine at the moment and they look at it a different way. And here I am being an idiot and writing this post as "we", "people", "us", "you", when I should be using "I" because really what the hell do I know about everyone else? Most other people are probably smarter than I am.

I'm so very tired. So defeated. So weary. So disenchanted - I can't even think straight.

posted December 09, 2005 10:10 PM         

So sorry to hear you are feeling down! I can relate to what you wrote entirely! There are just those days when you wonder what was all the excitement about being an adult about? Is this all being an adult entails? I want my money back!!! Can I return this?? I think mine is broken!

I don't know where you are but these shortest days always get me feeling so blah and down, it seems like everything is grey and dull and Spring will never come again and it's going to be cold forever.

I'll be thinking of you dear and sending you some love and light to help lift your spirits.

Love,

Goatgirl

posted December 09, 2005 11:32 PM         

when I get like that (and I do)
I start counting my blessings (my kids, my health etc.) and leave behind the negative.

posted December 10, 2005 12:41 AM         

Keep Smiling - before you know it, a smile can change your bad days for good!

posted December 10, 2005 01:39 AM         

There's no quick fix to depression, and if you just ride it this bout out without getting to the heart of what is causing your depression overall and learn ways to cope with it, it'll just return, and usually worse. I don't doubt that your disenchantment and all is real - it's that you're drowning in it that signals to me that you're experiencing depression. People get in low moods all the time, but they don't sit at work having uncontrollable crying fits because of it. Depression is often marked by an inability to override negative or defeating emotions and thoughts - like you brain gets stuck in "everything is crap" track and you can't see anything else. This is why it's an illness - you can't will yourself out of depression anymore than you can a viral infection (although I'm sure someone here will claim you can, thinking their sage advice somehow trumps someone who has lived with depression nearly all her life).

In short, take this seriously and realistically - you're ill, it's effecting the quality of your life, there are things you can do to help yourself, and you *should* help yourself. Maybe all you need is some therapy to learning better coping strategies. Hell, maybe you just need to have your thyroid checked out. Or maybe meds could help you get through the worst of it. Whatever you do, while you may feel defeated, you still have the ability to make choices about your own wellbeing. Just don't choose to be defeated by this.

posted December 10, 2005 09:22 AM         

This is for you…

Well, yes, I’ve been there… Only a week ago I was feeling exactly that way… It appears that I’m reaching the surface… Well, this is my personal war against my perceptions on life. I’ll be OK… Sometimes there’s a storm and you think you are drowning this time definitely… but you don’t… and everytime you learn to cope with it better.

You can do it, sweetheart. You only have to believe in yourself. They don’t deserve the power or the right to hurt you. You have to stop it. Start by thinking what you like that you can do for yourself. Pamper you. Put you first. Think what you fancy, what you would enjoy before you think what is expected from you, what others would want… Only if you have you can give… Only if you are happy you can make others happy… They’ll have to accept you as you are, don’t try to please them constantly…

Set projects for yourself and find time for them. You always wanted to play the piano? Go on and attend some classes. You always liked tango but never felt able to do it? Try it!!! Do things for yourself…

My belly dance teacher, a kabbalist, told me that western culture is to blame for this. We are taught from very little that we need someone to make us happy, we need to please others to be liked, we need to sacrifice today for tomorrow… Very wrong outlook… The only one who can make you happy is yourself, we will be liked if we start for pleasing ourselves and today is the only time that matters.

It’s a slow and painful process… but you learn… I’m doing it. I want to do it. You can do it too…

I personally don’t like proffesional therapists. I have a low concept of psychologists and psychiatrists… What the hell do they know about me? Just because they went to University, studied theories and the work of other people are they worth those fat bills? I believe you need other qualities to be able to help. A well-tunned friend, someone who knows your situation and understands it, preferably someone who has gone through a similar experience, is the best choice in my opinion.

posted December 10, 2005 03:06 PM         

steelrose..id just like to add that i have been seeing a councellor for the past year..in my situation he has helped me a great deal..he made me ask myself the right questions...made me gain my focus...yes the real work was up to me...but he has helped direct me..for some, councelling may not work..however i dont think you should dismiss it..i never used to have an easy time discussing my deep deep feelings or being completely open about who i am before..he has helped me realise i can do that..if people like me great..if they dont..not a big deal..i dont think freinds or family could have helped me with these issues..so while some can deal with friends and family thats great..you cant dismiss the community of councellors and psychiatrists that can help some

posted December 11, 2005 10:59 AM         

I only wanted to say that a therapist is not necessarily the only option. I used to hate when people just directed me to a psychologist because they couldn’t be bothered listening to me or trying to understand me. Well, I’m doing it on my own and that is also working. With people who are not like those directing me to psychologists to dodge the issue. But that is only my particular case…

posted December 11, 2005 07:46 PM         

I hope things have gotten better for you today.

posted December 11, 2005 09:22 PM         

John Taylor
1960
June 20th

Andy Taylor
1961
Feb 16th

posted December 12, 2005 05:48 PM         

Been there a few times myself, but certainly hope you're feeling better today...