posted January 16, 2006 10:14 AM         

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience

"Life is all about ass. You're either covering it,laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it or trying to get a piece of it."

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes

Accountants don't die they just lose there balance.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, Other times I let her sleep.

Life is like a d**k. When it gets hard, "Screw it".

Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

If at first you don't succeed--try management.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Always remember you're unique just like everyone else.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now.

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

posted January 16, 2006 01:35 PM         

For some reason, this one struck me as very me.

"It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now."

posted January 16, 2006 03:30 PM         

"He offered her honor
She honored his offer
And all night long
He was off 'er 'n' on 'er"

hehe!

------------------
`Who are you?' said the Caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, `I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'
~Lewis Carroll

posted January 16, 2006 10:08 PM         

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.