posted May 08, 2006 04:54 PM         

It just seemed so unreasonable, so absurd and barbaric a way to respond to the childish behavior OF A CHILD, and to all the commonplace imperfections which, we should well know (by now), are bound to fill our waking hours. I was not yet 6 or 7 when I realized my so-called guardians were in fact wild beasts, living in obedience to the subliminal dictates of a schizophrenic culture, a perceived "pack" consciousness, and to their own primitive instincts for self (and Self) preservation.

I began trying to tame them at the age of 8 or 9. It was slow-going. Suffice to say, I have found them quite unreceptive to my attempts at domesticating them. Things like reason, compassion, empathy, and understanding, rather than eliciting a more calm and sociable response, have tended to inspire nothing but fear, anger, and distress in the subjects. I am inclined to consider it a case of "pearls before swine".

What have I learned, you may ask? Well, for one thing, I no longer wonder why they resorted to such uncivilized means in their misguided attempts to raise me. It was all they knew. And I cannot resent them for their heavy-handed botching of the job, only pity them for the overpowering sense of failure I know they wrestle with on account of it. I can only intend to do a better job than they have done, if ever I am put into a position of such profound responsibility. And I think I would have to be "put" there, for it is not something I would think, or care, to take up lightly.

Not everyone can be a surgeon, or an alchemist, or a tamer of wild beasts. But, most everyone seems to think they'd make a good parent. It's funny how our standards of "good parenting", like everything else, have all but collapsed under the weight of history. We no longer aspire, and are content to consider our present limitations an immutable law of our innermost nature. "Everyone else is taking a half-assed, disrespectful approach to the raising of children, why shouldn't we?" And our family values, the corner stones of our civilizations, are now left shoddy and misplaced. In such a state, the ones who most value the institution of a family, respect it enough not to enter it, or not to enter it without due consideration and, most importantly, due preparation.

Anyone can raise a child.

But, to raise a Man or a Woman is a great talent, and a rare skill.

posted May 08, 2006 05:19 PM         

And yet, I am still guilty of the crimes you mentioned.

Somehow, there is just no way of anticipating or fulfilling the "neediness" of child. If you have ever once found yourself thinking of a woman as emotionally needy and perhaps responding to her with less compassion or peace than you would have liked...

MULTIPLY THAT NEEDINESS BY AROUND ONE THOUSAND and you will begin to understand the challenges facing parents who are actually aware of the psychological damage that these sort of interactions can cause to a growing mind.

posted May 08, 2006 06:52 PM         

That's interesting, that this resonates with you so closely, and that, while I was writing this, you were writing about family and sociology in the other thread.

Thank you for the compliments.
I try. I like words and ideas.
I like to be precise, systematic,
innovative, and creative with them.
I put a lot of energy into how I express myself and my views.
So, its always good to be appreciated,
and to know that I'm being heard.
Thank you, again.

I'm impressed with your parenting creds.
Your daughter sounds tops.
And very lucky to have You for a mommy.
I liked this:
"where other 3 year olds might say Bird,
she says Cardinal, Eagle, Hawk."

As for being guilty of crimes...
You are doing your best.
The perfect parent,
who has never dirtied his or her hands,
does not exist.

Not attending to all of your child's "needs"
may be more of an education in disguise,
than a series of traumatic experiences.
If she doesnt get all of her wants,
whenever she wants them,
her wants will not turn into needs.
If you do not treat every apparent crisis as a crisis,
the child will learn that she has the power to cope.
It will empower her.
Sometimes, by withholding your support,
you give her something far more necessary,
which is the confidence in her own independence.

Montaigne wrote a great essay on parenting. When he was four, his father, a wealthy man, sent him away to be raised among the poor. He later considered it a stroke of genius on his father's part. "He, thinking it better that I should rise from adversity, than fall into it."

The most important thing in the world
is to be impeccable with your word.
Few things psychologically cripple a child more
than when a parent says, "No,"
only to reverse the verdict,
when the child causes a scene.
The moral?
"If at first you don't succeed,
terrorize and make demands."

The problem is, the kid says "You don't love me,"
and the parent thinks, "Oh God, I'm traumatizing her,
just like my parents traumatized me,"
and proceeds to reassure the child with,
and ultimately make them dependent upon,
"things".
Sometimes those "things" include the parent's
undivided attention.
But this is unrealistic.
When something, some form of support,
which a child has been habituated to expect,
is abruptly withheld, the result could well be a trauma.
But no such thing can be withheld,
if it is not too freely given in the first place.

The problem is, most parents are insecure,
and they seek validation from their children.
Any parent who seeks validation from their child,
will be a friend first, and a parent second.
Children need parents first.

Okay,
Is somebody missing a soapbox?
Because, I appear to be standing on it.

posted May 08, 2006 07:29 PM         

That's my hope anyway.

posted May 08, 2006 07:53 PM         

Exactly.

I noticed the similar content and time of posting also. It WAS interesting. Scorpio is rising

I tell her it is important to be beautiful (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually), smart, wise, and strong. And I explain to her how these things relate. She is very intelligent and perceptive.

I enjoyed the "adversity" quote, thank you.

posted May 09, 2006 04:23 PM         

All I can say, really. I do appreciate a great piece of writing and a well-written article or essay really gets to the core of me if it's done expertly and that, what you've written, was practically novel standard. I can imagine reading it in a book, I mean.

posted May 10, 2006 01:06 AM         

Oh! Wrong Spock, you say? Pshaw!!!

posted May 10, 2006 01:09 AM         

great thoughts!

posted May 10, 2006 07:10 AM         

LOL MNF! It was not a spelling mistake but more of a usage mistake. I hate spotting and pointing mistakes but HSC is gonna be a well read writer some day (judging by the depth) and it is better to be perfect from now itself even in the nitty gritties.

posted May 11, 2006 11:19 PM         

Mystic Melody -

Your policy,
of telling her that grown-ups
have bad behavior, too,
is a stroke of genius.
I wish all people would know this,
and treat their children with equal
truthfulness and respect.

IQhunk,

Thanks.
Well said.

Devilfish,

I really enjoyed reading your thoughts and impressions.
I appreciate your ability and willingness
to shed light on every angle of this issue,
in order to effect a fair balance.
I realize I was speaking idealistically,
from the perspective of a non-parent,
and making little effort to conceal my resentment.
It was nice to hear what you had to say
about the real-life, day-to-day nitty-gritty.
Nothing was impertinent.
Your familiar manner is refreshing,
in a world where so-called strangers
remain strange to each other on account
of a misguided fidelity to standing on ceremony.
I would like to encourage you right now
to always speak out about those unspoken matters.
They need to be brought to light,
more than anything.

take care,
HSC

posted May 13, 2006 03:57 AM         

Hi.
You're welcome!
I was a little sorry I didn't reply sooner
(the last time I posted).
I felt the posts deserved better responses
than I have been able (or willing?) to give lately.
I still know I have not done them justice,
but I'm glad my words to you were sufficient
to produce the desired effect.

And, you cannot possibly know how gratifying
it is to me, to hear this shining echo,
and to know that my words and thoughts have
struck a major chord with someone.
I sympathize, and you know I empathize,
with your tarnished reflections on childhood.
I know I have struggled to understand my own parents;
to imagine myself in their position,
or apply abstract principles to explain
and justify their behaviors towards me.
I know I continue to struggle,
to learn these lessons by rote.

I know, I should probably refocus these
energies into the outside world,
but I can't shake the childish
and self-centered delusion that they (my parents)
are representative of the outer world,
in microcosm, and, if I fail them,
or give up on them, then, surely,
I am destined to fail or abandon the collective as well.
Failing to accomplish what is humble,
am I even fit to attempt what is great?

I suppose I just focus on them, because
I am not ready to give full consideration
to my own shortcomings,
self-limiting attitudes and beliefs.

It's just...
I have felt so invalidated.
Because I feel (and, call me arrogant)
that, if they would just listen to me,
I could help them resolves their disputes
in an expeditious and peacable manner.
But they do not see me as an equal,
let alone as one who might have
something valuable to teach them.

They think I am just a reproach to them,
but I only want to tell them what I know,
and what I know would help us all to love
and understand each other better.

My sister is very protective of them,
and thinks I am more of a burden to them.
Once, when they were arguing over nothing,
as they so often do, I tried to intervene
and calm them some, and, as it wasnt working,
I put my head into my hands, in a sincere
expression of mental and emotional exhaustion.
My sister, turned to me, and in this very
passive-aggressive, snooty way, informed me
that I did "not have to tolerate" them.
In other words, that I should go on doing what
I have always done, which is, retiring to some
secluded refuge of my own,
and further isolating myself (my true self)
from the family unit.

I am so often given the message,
in subtle and brutal ways,
that I am acceptable to the family
provided I play a pre-ordained role,
and do not, under any circumstances,
follow a true and spontaneous impulse,
or allow my true feelings to show.
If I begin to get passionate about anything,
they are frightened and quick to discourage
any displays of uncommon enthusiasm.

I have my Moon in the 1st house,
widely conjunct the Ascendant,
and in a difficult aspect to Neptune,
so, I do tend to be impressionable.
It has not been easy determining and
distinguishing my own attitudes and beliefs
from the ones they are constantly, adamantly,
and (due to my impressionability) convincingly
imposing upon me by the mere juxtaposition
of our mutual psychic presences.

I know, its so text-book.
"Move out!," right?
I know. I wish I could.
Or maybe I'm just too stubborn,
opportunistic, and unmotivated,
to take responsibility for
changing my life and circumstances.

Maybe I need help.
Pulling on your own bootstraps never got
anyone off the ground, no how.
Did it?

Or, is it simply faith I lack?
Faith in myself?
Courage to meet new challenges and demands?
Scruples to tell me why to do it at all?
When everything is so damn easy FOR ME.

How many times must a conscience cry out,
before it softens the heart of a man
(or hardens the heart of a boy)?
How long will it cry out, before it is hushed to nought
by an implacable, impenetrable indifference?

What are the signs?
How few and far between,
the subtle and brutal contractions of the spirit?
And where are all the midwives? -
As I seem to labor, alone,
in a world hostile to the birth
of anything noble, gentle, soft, and pure.

I know what it is.
I am reluctant to be a man I can believe in,
and reluctant to believe in myself without cause.

"Pray can I not, though inclination be as sharp as will,
my stronger guilt defeats my strong intent,
and, like a man to double-business bound,
I stand in pause where I should first begin,
and both neglect."
- Shakespeare

Sorry to prattle on like this.

Love to You,
HSC

posted May 13, 2006 04:01 AM         

Cool!, thanx for telling me.
It's really good to put a face to a name.

Your eyes are really trippy, -
like, lots of electricity and life.
You look really cool,
very nice.

posted May 14, 2006 10:43 AM         

i felt the same way about my family not only my mom dad brother and sister but even my grandparents aunts uncles ect.
i have always been the black sheep, im not properly cold enough nor mainstream enough to fit in.
my family is southern baptist and a couple years ago after being cornered into a heavy discussion, i couldnt remain repressed any longer, i was so saddened by judgement and hellfire that i began to cry as i told them they where all beautiful and there was no reason to fear, for me , or for themselves. oh my heart is heavy thinking on this one.it was christmas and i wept, for the lack of understanding.they said "oh my you are sooooo sensitive" my grandfather stood up and said "well i can see we cant talk about this because she is too upset" they left.i felt embarrassed, fustrated and isolated.
it was a turning point.
i decided with them i would avoid spirtual conversations and just try to be a spirtual person.
i had to embrace MY boundries with them, and shake the guilt telling myself boundries ARE
healthy .
i have tried to just be a light around them , by focsing on postives.i feel more than anything we all must learn to love ourselves and to be comfortable in our on skin.i began by sharing happy memories with myself & then with them , making verbal note of things they loved and liked.
reminding them when they were upset that its okay to make mistakes it will get better.mostly i just began to listen.
i once read that if you want to help others you must help yourself first and that will heal many.
i still am the black sheep but thats okay its my lot in life and i accept that.
my mother and i have become alot closer.we are even able to have spiritual discussions now ,the sharing going both ways.
at some point you just have to let go and begin to live for YOU.you must quit taking responsibility for your familys flaws and start focusing on YOUR healing.
you said:
I suppose I just focus on them, because
I am not ready to give full consideration
to my own shortcomings,
self-limiting attitudes and beliefs.

i feel as though you focus TOO much on your"shortcomings" quit judging yourself!
focus on your life, what you are, & what you want to be.
do you like living at home?
if so screw what others think you are doing what you need to do!
if not get out,if you really want to you will!
trying to help them is hurting you because you are putting the cart before the horse.
you must begin with you.
you deserve to be what you want to be & you must begin to value that birthright.
its not easy, to this day when im around my dad i feel like im 10 years old. seeing him puts me in an odd out of it phase for days afterwards.thats why i have to set boundries.if i dont i just become drained and depressed.
in the end all i have is me.
its what i came in with
its what ill leave with.
everyone else is just a reflection of how comfortable i am with myself.
i feel sometimes when i post i come of more "matter of fact " then id like , but i type to you as i would to me ,honestly from the heart.
i want to encourage you to try this:
think of one memory that you cherish with your mother.
do not intellectualize it, feel it as you did when you experienced it.
keep it simple.
write it down & give it to her.
look into her eyes and say thank you.
it heals.
everyone wants love.
some are more blind than others to what that means but most enjoy hearing good things about themselves ,it has a theraputic effect.
find the positives, the ones you really feel and share them.most impotantly, do this with yourself as well.
coulda woulda shoulda helps us avoid repeating mistakes but it hurts us when it is used to avoid living.
i left home when i was a baby,17, married,had my first child at 18.by 25 years i had four.im 32 and just now finding out who i am and how to heal my wounds................
i offer my gleaning, thus far, to you.

posted May 14, 2006 01:24 PM         

Thank you.
You are full of good advice.

I dont think you are a black sheep at all.
You're not even a strange duck.
You're just a perfect swan.

posted May 14, 2006 01:31 PM         

Your command of language, and your ability to marshal thoughts and feelings into cohesive flowing wholes, makes you such a fantastic read!! And I love it when you take over any untenanted soapbox and hold forth When, when, when will you take your skills seriously so that many more spirits than those of us at LL (and Kim) can be touched by your eloquence and clarity??????? (can’t help it, Mars in the 1st)

I agree with Devilfish -- I hold the opinion that as my child chose me, you chose your parents, and I mine, and they us. It would then follow (to my mind) that growing up with these people would offer you the chance to learn something you could not have learned from anyone else. And I take solace in that fact with my 10yo son. He needs what only I can provide, and in those inevitable times of despair over one’s parenting skills, I remember this “fact”, or perception/opinion (while I’m counting to 1000!!).

You wrote: “It's just...
I have felt so invalidated.
Because I feel (and, call me arrogant)
that, if they would just listen to me,
I could help them resolves their disputes
in an expeditious and peacable manner.
But they do not see me as an equal,
let alone as one who might have
something valuable to teach them.”

It’s so frustrating when people you feel you can help are oblivious, and indeed reject, the help and the knowledge and the benefit of your experience that you could provide. You’ve tried to help your folks “see the light”, yet they do not. What more can you do?? Time to withdraw – if not physically, then emotionally. Time to let go – after all, perhaps they are on exactly the path towards Light And Knowledge that they need to be on for their level of spiritual evolvement. Reminds me of something my brother used to say: “You can’t protect people from themselves.”

posted May 14, 2006 01:38 PM         

You are SOOOOOOO articulate -- bless you for sharing your experience, strength and hope!!

IQ-Og ~

I'm not the first to say you're an exceptional Guru..... I watch your spiritual progress on these boards with amazement!! Well, said all that stuff in your fan thread

Pix ~

I feel like there is SO much more to say, but I have to recharge the batteries for awhile

posted May 14, 2006 11:17 PM         

Oh, my!

Sorry, but, I HAVE TO replay this:

"Your command of language, and your ability to marshal thoughts and feelings into cohesive flowing wholes, makes you such a fantastic read!! And I love it when you take over any untenanted soapbox and hold forth."

It's times like these when I really wish I had some of those snazzy, personalized emoticons. You are the best. Don't ever change (i.e. NEVER stop praising MEEE!!!!). Love.

"When, when, when will you take your skills seriously so that many more spirits than those of us at LL (and Kim) can be touched by your eloquence and clarity???????"

Any minute now, darlin',
just as long as I keep hearing
encouragement like that.

And I have been coming out of my shell, -
or, more accurately, developing it, - lately,
and developing faith in myself (or my gifts).
I have been exhibiting more, in various places, mostly online,
and receiving the encouragement that is so vital to me.

I gave a reading at an artists' group which my friend, Claire, brought me to. I could barely read it, and asked if someone else would do me the honor, but they insisted I should read it myself. My voice was timid at first, but, pretty soon, I was into the rhythms of my piece, and remembering all it means to me, and the rest was... a moment of grace. They all really liked it, and I got such glowing feedback, especially from the other writers, and this one, really intense woman, a painter, who told me how she has difficulty following the written word, being so visually inclined, but that my words evoked the most vivid and elucidating images for her. That was really cool to hear.

"(can’t help it, Mars in the 1st)"

Wait, are you actually apologizing (or disclaiming), for having provoked me into a greater awareness of my power and responsibility? Please, dont do that. (But, if you must, let's just not forget that Pluto on the Ascendant, okay. I take it a little personally, whenever Pluto is underestimated.)

The possibility that we chose our parents, and all of this, fascinates me, but I have yet to see evidence of this fantastic assertion, although I have heard many authors and aquaintances make (mostly off-hand) mention of it. Might I ask how you came to accept this as gospel; what your sources are, etc. ?

Thank you for sympathizing with my frustration. I covet the kernal of truth in your words, when you tell me that there is a "time to withdraw", but my own take on human psychology is more idealistic. I think we CAN protect people from themselves, because, in the final analysis, we are a part of them, and would not have the opportunity to speak our truth to them at all, unless they were already, in some subterranian part of them, open to receive it. We should remember that even the good seeds we drop are rarely magical seeds, likely to produce spontaneous fruit. Usually, it takes a lot of water (emotional nurishment), earth (time and space), sunlight (spiritual enthusiasm), and fresh air (the growth of undertanding). Spring may not come when we wish it, in the chilling dark of Winter, but Spring ALWAYS comes. And, if we are faithful in tending our gardens, the harvest WILL be great.

(lol, I sound like Peter Sellers in "Being There".)

As I see it, there is a "way in" to everyone. Our frequent failure or exhaustion with regards to spotting it, is not enough evidence for me to conclude that it does not exist. You never know what magic word or idea is going to flick that switch, and turn a lightbulb on in their heads, or in their hearts. We can search high and low, left and right, over-compensating from one end of the pendulum-swing to the other, and never anticipate that one simple thing, which will suddenly bring that long awaited balance to our lives (often, it is patience, or patient persistence). I have not given up on my folks, and I see signs of inner life, from time to time, which serve to encourage me, and convince me that there is indeed something struggling to be born in them (perhaps it is still me!).

I had a heart to heart with my mother yesterday. I spoke to her about someone special to me, whom I have lost. She saw me sweeping back (under the proverbial rug) the creeping tears, and, I guess my sincerity was emphatic, because it impressed itself upon her, and she began almost to weep, herself. I didnt even realize how obvious my pain was (it isnt always to me - see: Moon in Aquarius), and I thought she must be upset about something else. When I went to comfort her, and she said it was my pain she was feeling, I laughed light-heartedly (because I wasnt ready to realize the extent of it myself), and felt so much love for her. Gave her a big hug.

Thank you, 'Zala, for answering my fractured call for a midwife.

posted May 15, 2006 02:08 AM         

Zala!
Yes, I feel love, compassion and a connection for the souls on this thread also. I have too many comments and replies to even begin.

Steve
I have certain important male friends who give me gifts of music, loyal support, knowledge... deep important gifts that touch me more than any "boyfriend" has ever been able to...
You give me a man's spiritual perspective. The perspective I always hoped to find in the men I loved. The perspective I was beginning to suspect was not to be found in a man. You are deeply open and honest in a way that I identify strongly with... and in a way that touches my soul and draws my attention. Your words MAKE A DIFFERENCE. There is no doubt about that.
For your family... pick just one. Choose one person (Mom is usually the best choice) and give her the gifts of enlightenment (physical books and inspirational emails etc, crystals to make rainbows... as well as non-physical gems of truth) and let her bring Dad and Sis around later. It worked for me, and has done wonders for this Cap moon first house emotional "blacksheep" girl and her relationship with the 'rents.

DevilFish
So many things you say sound so familiar. Wasn't it your poem that asked for a heart?
Here is another one for you

IQ... (heart)
Your comment, "Considering the baby soul to be more evolved and loving it in such a manner with the awareness of the responsibility of allowing the soul to maximize its purpose on Earth, now that can bring the best balance of parenting and friendship." in combination with Zala's beautiful remarks and Hsc's and DF's resonating experiences, set my mind at ease. Thanks for that.