posted June 02, 2006 10:38 AM         

Head Banged

Ever wondered what it feels like to be in a torture chamber for days on end? I don't, I've actually been through it. It isn't a conventional method of torture, but it is pretty effective. What am I talking about? Modern age rock music.

Every year I dread going to India. Why? For fear of my cousin brother's literally 'head banging' music. I was under the impression that music was supposed to be pleasant for the ears, clearly I was mistaken. Music is obviously, that sound that causes maximum pain and increases risks of becoming deaf. Who wouldn't want to listen to something that gave them a splitting headache? Each song vies with the other for the title of "One that inflicted most pain upon listener". If it were up to me, I'd declare it a hundred way tie.

"Hundred? Why not a million?" you may ask. The market is flooded with about a million of those supposed "songs". Well you see I've divided them into three main categories depending upon their ability to make you feel certain things, ranging from excruciating pain to just a pain in the ear:
Category number one :The "I want to claw my eyeballs out". This category is the best of the lot. To the metal head it is light and soft music to which one sleeps to.

Category number two : The "May I commit suicide" type. Comparitively a little worse than category one, but not absolutely unbearable.

Category number three : Always the worst for last, the "I want to claw my eyeballs out, bang my head on the wall, kill the person who created such horrible, ear and head splitting music and of course commit suicide."

I have found only a hundred "songs" that fit into the third category. However my search is not yet over, it has only just begun. By the time I'm done I'll probably be deaf, not because of old age but because of all the agonizing noises I would've perennially been exposed to.

My cousin brother sadly listens to the third category. Let me share a little anecdote with you'll. It was a normal Saturday morning in Bombay, the little colony of Chedanagar was peaceful and quiet, nothing better to wake up to. Sadly, I didn't wake up to the crows' kawwing in the trees or the temple bell.

The silence was torn by a deafening screech. That's what I woke up to. Silence has fled as though Noise herself were on her heels, brandishing a sword.

My grandmother at the time was praying. The noise seemed to be coming from the flat above us (which belonged to my uncle). Was there a thief? Perhaps a murderer! My cousin brother was in danger! We must help him! My aunt at the time was downstairs with us. She hurriedly took the key and a cricket bat, with my grandmother carrying a chapati roller and me holding a slipper, and walked up the stairs. The noise didn't cease. We approached the door. We looked at each other as though saying, if we don't make it out of this alive we must know that we died for a good and noble cause. The key was in the lock; we turned it and burst in like Charlie's Angels. Who dare passeth the sacred doors of the Ramakrishnan household without approval? We were ready to strike... only there was nothing to strike. There was my cousin brother remote in hand, looking utterly bewildered. And then it hit us, Saturday morning spelt life-threatening music. As my grandmother and aunt glared at my cousin brother, he finally realized what was going on and smiled sheepishly. That grin will be etched in my memory forever. My cousin brother was then forced to wear headphones for the rest of the year. Let that a be a lesson to all those who listen to such music, one day or the other it's going to get you.

I don't mean to sound like someone born in the '20s, but honestly who on earth likes such music? My cousin brother says "The guitar work is awesome." Awesome? Ha! I don't even know how to play the guitar and I could play like that. All I'd have to do was take the plucker thing and strum the guitar with all the force I had, and voila I have great music. And it's not like the vocals are outstanding either. There's actually a song with only one line "The roof is on fire." Guess how long that song is, go on, guess. 1 minute? 2 minutes perhaps? WRONG! 6 whole minutes! If the roof is on fire take the fire extinguisher and put it out instead of wasting your time stating the same thing over and over again, the fire department can't hear you! Once the fires out, you'd actually have a new line "I put out the fire on the roof". See its a win-win situation.

Posters should be put up "For the comfort and hearing ability of your fellow human beings don't listen to heavy metal." I hope you'll have learnt a valuable lesson today, if you know that someone is about to play Iron Maiden or Deicide, run for your life, or rather run for your ears!

The end!

posted June 02, 2006 03:03 PM         

I know what song she was refering to: "Fire Water Burn" by The Blood Hound Gang. It's a classic!

posted June 03, 2006 02:09 AM         

------------------
"When the odds are against you, keep calm and cheat."

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around and it kills a mime, does anyone care?
-Terry Pratchett

posted June 03, 2006 02:59 AM         

My friend, It was a delightful piece of writing, if you just let yourself enjoy it.

posted June 03, 2006 03:44 AM         

------------------
"When the odds are against you, keep calm and cheat."

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around and it kills a mime, does anyone care?
-Terry Pratchett

posted June 03, 2006 04:49 AM         

I look at some people like cartoon characters.
With that whole piece I could see it playing out like a comedy skit.

posted June 03, 2006 05:07 AM         

------------------
"When the odds are against you, keep calm and cheat."

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around and it kills a mime, does anyone care?
-Terry Pratchett

posted June 03, 2006 06:13 AM         

She wrote it as an english speech for her class (it was kind of meant to be funny, so she exaggerated here and there) and she might sound like a rock music hater on the speech. But on the contrary, she listens to all kinds of rock music, Nickelback, Led Zeppelin, System of a down, you name it .