posted September 13, 2006 04:21 AM         

Such lovely sincere words, thank you so much friend....you are a blessing, so kind.

posted September 15, 2006 09:27 AM         

Its okay, not nosey...just interested,,,which is good...better than being indifferent i think!!

I dont think I said no one turned up for the funeral, I said just my hubbie and I were there for the internment the day after...I thought thats what I said....? Just to repeat, my mother was cremated and then her ashes interned the next day.

As for the relationship of my sis with mum and dad, well you would have to talk to her about that, but from my perception, she wasnt too impressed that dad had mental problems and mum was strongly religious. She felt, as I did, somewhat stiffled by an over-protective mother and a father that was sufferin from depression.

She is 54 now, and I 47. She admits to still being scared of our Dad...scared to assert herself with him and therefore ends up losing control over small issues....it feels like she is still the "little girl". Ironically, she went on to marry a very dominating man!

That is the difference between us...I spent a lot of time praying and asking for help, studying the healing arts, becoming a healer etc and she remained in the childlike state (she admits this, that she hasnt yet grown up)

Dont get me wrong, I never made a habit of seeing my parents physically, but I did work towards having a relatively harmonious relationship with them, which my sister has found impossible. I never claim to be the dutiful daughter, at all, but I did learn to accept them warts and all, but not without a fight!!

Does this answer yer questions...?

posted September 16, 2006 12:08 PM         

I have just lost a parent, have a father who is going thro a nervous breakdown and only has me to turn to and a sister who have been stabbing me in the back for no just reason...

Would you mind understanding these things please and be a little more sensitive....

I have no problem answering anbody's questions, but I am feeling rather fragile at the moment...

By nature I am a very sensitive woman, and at the moment especially so...

posted September 18, 2006 05:08 AM         

Your words are appreciated.....

posted September 18, 2006 07:50 AM         

Whatever her sister's experiences and relationship with her parents, the fact was that her behaviour (not returning early from her holiday so that the funeral could go ahead) was extremely selfish and thoughtless, and caused a great deal of unnecessary upset to her father and Sue. It dragged out the process and was ultimately cruel and manipulative.

She may well have her reasons but it's grossly unfair to inflict those on others at such a time.

If she didn't want to go to the funeral because of past problems then I feel she should have made that clear to her father and Sue so that they could begin the valuable greiving process by going ahead with the funeral without her. A funeral is such a vital part of the process because it allows those left behind to come to terms with what's happened and to say farewell to the person who's passed.

Yes everyone has the right to the emotions they feel however I don't think they have the right to impose those feelings on others in the form of restrictions; by behaving in this manner she has restricted, caused further anguish and generally interfered with her father's chance to say goodbye to the woman he loved, the mother of his children and the woman he spent a lifetime with; she placed restrictions and added angst and unnecessary pain to her sister Sue by making her wait to say goodbye to her mother. By behaving in this manner, she has effectively made everything revolve around her and her feelings. She has used her own mother's death as an opportunity to wound and to place her feelings centre stage. I personally don't think this is this fair.

posted September 18, 2006 08:25 AM         

<<<<In my humble opinion, it would probably be best to let her just get on with it rather than use this thread for any further questions/thoughts on the subject.>>>>>

D for D.....I have no more to add to Sarah's comment...now will you please show some respect and back off....I do not need this at the moment. Thanks.

posted September 18, 2006 10:03 AM         

This thread is called 'MY MOTHER DIED TODAY"

Death, grief, loss, heartache, stress, sadness, bereavement, farewell etc etc

Strategy, lawyers, court of laws........?????

Nope sorry dont get it........?

I am wondering if I have missed the point here?

I always thought grief was a matter for the heart.

posted September 18, 2006 10:45 AM         

But it is really none of our business and questioning and trying to understand beyond the losses, is seen as attacking and uncompassionate.
So how about you leave it be as I have?

I shall close with the advice I gave Sue on another thread concerning her sister and you concerning your mother.

You do not get along with them.
They do not get along with you.
Stop beating a dead horse.
Write them out of your life and stop trying to change them or assume they think as you do.
Stop wanting or expecting things from them.
It is not going to happen as you desire no more than either of you will suddenly start agreeing with them!
So.....
Let it go and move on.
Do your thing and let them be to do theirs.

Let it go.
Move on.

Good Luck to you both.

posted September 18, 2006 11:06 AM         

Thanks Faye....no its not any one elses business...I appreciate your understanding there. And yes at such a fragile time, its very discompassionate and attacking and not appropriate at ALL...

Thanks for pointing this out...

And actually I did take yer advice about my sister...I am trying to let her out of my life, although I have a feeling she wants me in hers....

So thanks for that and the above....its appreciated..

posted September 18, 2006 11:31 AM         

But what I am seeing here is her asking so many questions and analyzing the situation, as an attempt to understand the dysfucntional dynamics of her own family troubles.

Same reasons I ask questions or want to.

But this is not the thread to do that on.
But I do NOT feel she was trying to be unkind. Only trying to understand.
And she DID SAY:
Quote:
Sue, I am going to show some respect from this moment and this paragraph on, and I am going to back off.

>>>>Ok...I am shutting up now.
I just hate the tension here.
Trying to alleviate some of it.
Good Luck again and Peace.

posted September 18, 2006 11:33 AM         

All of the posts on this thread were kind and compassionate apart from a couple, which knocked the wind out of my sails a little...

It has made my wary about being so open about such sensitive issues. I suppose I just presumed that people are basically empathic and sympathetic...

Another lesson for me to learn.

And Faye, I will maybe choose not to discuss my sister again....it has obviously evoked strong feeling with at least one...

Yes, its my business and NO ONE elses....I will remember this in future.

posted September 18, 2006 11:45 AM         

Remember the sparks flew too when Mirandee spoke of her brother-in-law's Suicide? Some there were very unkind.

Death and loss and familial turmoils often cause emotions to run higher than usual. And on public forums it stirs up even more opinions and the emotions rise higher and the stress and tension become a sort of self propagating/reinforcing of the emotions in an uncomfortably tangible way.

posted September 18, 2006 11:45 AM         

I feel she is using someone elses problem to project her own anger onto....that is exactly the message I got when I asked. This is very bad taste....

D for D...I would be grateful if you would edit your posts please.....this is a tribute to my mum...she was a peacemaker and would have hated this tension....

Its such a shame cos it was a lovely thread.

It has hurt me and would have her. So please remove your posts...

Thanks

posted September 18, 2006 12:11 PM         

>> You misunderstood me Sue
I am not choosing sides here in this matter.

Both sides are making sense from their individual outlooks.
I see both where you and DFD are coming from.

Sorry...

posted September 18, 2006 12:58 PM         

I just happen to feel its in bad taste thats all....and not very clever.

Dont really want to be around this type of energy tbh!