posted February 22, 2007 03:05 AM         

...not the cool George Clinton-esque funk, not the Fatboy Slim funk soul brother, but the ohmigod i am never going to be happy AGAIN funk.

Its going to crack my face if I smile. this weepy, poor me miasma is stifling- as ephemeral as spider webs, as strong as steel bonds- and I hate it. i hate me when I am like this.

I am bitter I am p!ssed off i am mourning the death of something i have never known, and cannot name. i cannot fake it at work, and on my off days i sit in my darkened room, watching time pass until i can sleep again.

i wonder if its seasonal affective disorder, or just who i am -bitter, hateful, and depressive. perhaps i should blame neptune..or saturn...or just myself for not having the wherewithall to "pull myself up by the bootstraps" and slap a sh!teating grin on my face- when in truth, i am a barren vessel.

sorry for the self pity storm-

posted February 22, 2007 08:18 AM         

I am glad I am not alone down here.

posted February 22, 2007 09:39 AM         

You make me wish I was depressed today!

( believe me, it can happen a lot!!!)

Um.. cheer up?

posted February 22, 2007 05:17 PM         

everyone... we'll make it...
((((((group hug))))))

posted February 23, 2007 02:24 AM         

heya all.... not that I am happy you are all swimming in the muck with me, but now i don't feel as guilty about my lack of puppies and unicorns and rainbows...

i woke up today with the song 'tubthumping' by champachupacabra or whatever the h@ll the name of that one hit wonder band was. it's even more annoying when your internal radio is trying to cheer you up too. it's impossible to stay REALLY P!SSY when in your head you are chanting~

"i get knocked down, and I get up again.."

OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

I have heard it all my life- that depression is just rage turned inwards. Super- let's roll with it...

fine, i am p!ssed off.

i am angry that my childhood sucked.
i am angry that my 20s sucked too.
i am angry that at 33 years of age, I am still behind the social curve of my peers.
i am angry i had to drop out of college, and never went back.
i am angry at every useless, soul sucking waste of a man i have ever non-dated.

i am angry we are still fighting in iraq.

i am angry at myself for starting a smoking habit at the age of 17.

anger anger grrrrr....

i better stop now, or this list may never stop. i guess its better than being depressed. or its the same.... haha!!

in the immortal words of Morrissey...

"everyday is like sunday..
everyday is silent and grey...

Armageddon - come armageddon!
Come, armageddon! come!"

posted February 23, 2007 09:59 AM         

Don't worry about being behind the "social curve". It's overrated.

It's all pomp and credit card debt.

posted February 23, 2007 06:44 PM         

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

Six o'clock - TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign towers.
Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn.
Locking in, uniforming, book burning, blood letting.
Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate.
Light a candle, light a votive. Step down, step down.
Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh, this means no fear cavalier.
Renegade steer clear!
A tournament, tournament, a tournament of lies.
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

The other night I dreamt of knives, continental drift divide.
Mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs.
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom!
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right? Right.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it. can't I have some time alone?
It's the end of the world as we know it can't I have some time alone? and I feel fine...fine...

posted February 23, 2007 09:39 PM         

Tink- I think you are swell too...

1scorp- I like that- "pomp and credit card debt." Yes, that is very apt.

Dew..

Social curve.....rather like a learning curve. At my age, it is generally accepted that one has set aside certain behaviors that are no longer becoming of a lady of my years..

hahahh..

now keep in mind, this is a definition for an external pressure, based on the images we see and the "perception" of what the "average" 30 something has accomplished.

Most people have found/chosen/settled for a profession/career that will provide for them the style of life they are accustomed to- whether that is a well paying factory job for a Midwestern small town guy or a leverage broker (whatever the h@ll that means) living in NYC. Its a far cry from the 20s years when a career meant cashier/waitress/customer service job that buys the pot while Daddy pays for college.

Speaking of that, most people have long ago gotten that college degree, completed graduate school, or even gone back and are in college at this age.

"Most people" are in a somewhat committed relationship (well... except Carrie Bradshaw) many are married, many have kids or are working on it.

MP are buying houses, getting cars that were made in THIS decade... yes, 1scorp, racking up credit card debt that they figure they can pay off "eventually."

Being in ones 30 something years to me means getting that foundation laid down for enjoying the stable years of one's life. the job, the car, the house, the SO, the kids.

Its rather pathetic when 30s are still trying to live like 20s...

And I don't like my life because it still feels like 20s.

No, I don't club anymore, I don't spend my entire paycheck from my 3rd waitressing job on music... I am no longer boy crazy and that desperate need to "go out!! have fun!!! stay up all night drinking coffee and discuss politics!!!!" has thankfully waned.

Even sadder is that I was a 40 year old trapped in a 22 years old's body. I used to log my gas mileage, for God's sake. But I got screwed over a LOT by people, and financially I was a mess and I obsessed over it. Instead of going to back to college I spent about 9 years working 3 jobs concurrently. I didn't really have much "fun" in that decade.

ANYHOO....

yeah, I am behind the social curve. I AM THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WHO IS SINGLE. That's a biggie, coming from my background. Everyone's first question is "do you have a boyfriend."

My job- that's all I have, and its okkkk...sort of. In the real world, I would be making about 45 grand. Where I am at, I make about 20.

(yes, I know what the answer to that is, I know..)

I move about 5 times a year, living in various equivalents of dorm rooms. Everything I own right now fits into my 17 year old car.

On the bright side, I get about 2 months off a year, leaving me homeless. Kinda.

Sorry for the long post- I guess the point is I am bitter at myself for failing to make a life I really want. Its no one's fault but my own, and it makes me feel defeated.

"Disappointed" Morrissey

Dont talk to me, no
About people who are nice
cause I have spent my whole life
In ruins
Because of people who are nice
Oh, this world may lack style, I know
Each bud must blossom and grow, oh...

This is the last song I will ever sing (yeah!)
No: Ive changed my mind again (aaw...)

Goodnight

And thankyou

posted February 24, 2007 07:21 AM         

I just adore you.
I do.
You're the bee's knees, the cat's meow....

I am gestating ( ready to 'pop' as people not-so-affectionately remind me) and I have kids. When you were a 40 year old trapped in a 22 year old's body, I was a 20 year old trapped in a 40 year old's half-life. Yes, it was my own doing. I don't regret an instant of it, in retrospect..( but it did lead me to a panicked few years before Saturn biotch-slapped me) but I envy your life, the fix ups and mix ups, the buying pot while daddy paid for College life, the politics and smoking and pseudo-sex cafe life, the learning so much your brain will pop out like my belly button is right now. Yes, even the unappreciative people, because they made every angst and regret and love 'til your bitter but gorgeous woman mind that I see written here from you.
What's so good about credit card debt?
I am undebting myself slowly. Even while creating a larger family, creating and renovating, and living the 'traditional' life.
There are benefits to everything. Here I am thinking "I have got to get fixed because I already have *almost* three kids, and I just turned thirty, and I have at least fifteen years left of childbearing."... while you're probably thnking.. I have less than fifteen years left of childbearing... In a societal induced timeline panic.. when if you think about who you were and where you were fifteen years ago, you see how very far you have to go before the loss of opportunity even begins to be a factor.

posted February 26, 2007 01:42 PM         

I wonder if a lot of my depression is a sense of loss of control of my life, especially since I keep having dreams signaling that.

posted February 26, 2007 10:49 PM         

Bluemoon- i love the image. It makes the funk so much fun!

Well kids-

its been almost a week since I acknowledged the funk. Lo and behold, so many of you are right there with me in the pit.

I am going to blame it on Mercury Rx- I am always a mess when Mr. Mercury decides to spin widdershins and mess with my reality- taunting me with the "what ifs" and the "should and woulds and you could have done this instead.."

Mercury is like a pesky little brother always asking "why? why not like this? what do you mean?" little punk, he is...
the only pay off is how much BETTER I feel when it all over- those of you Mercury rules can totally understand this, right?

Oh, TINK!! My faerie friend- I never said normal- but I know what you are saying. i will never dis anyone who has a "normal" life, but my problem is I expect so much more than I am getting- I want to see the shining ones everyday, and become sorely disappointed when daily life doesn't twinkle as much as I want....

Yes, dear pixie- the grass is always greener. I just get ever so sad when I am the only one standing on my plot of land, watching everyone around me laughing and living and being. I feel like an island, an ice flow where nothing grows, nothing bears fruit.

My life isn't so bad, I know. Its just the sometime sadness that threatens to drown me.

posted February 26, 2007 10:58 PM         

Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me
Every day every hour
I wish that I was bullet proof

Wax me
Mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this
Just wish that it was bullet proof

So pay the money and take a shot
Leadfill the hole in me
I could burst a million bubbles
All surrogate and bullet proof

posted February 26, 2007 11:39 PM         

you are seducing me with music lyrics.

I feel so extraordinary
Somethings got a hold on me
I get this feeling Im in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
I dont care cause Im not there
And I dont care if Im here tomorrow
Again and again Ive taken too much
Of the things that cost you too much
I used to think that the day would never come
Id see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun..