posted March 09, 2007 04:29 PM         

Well I've this group of 4 friends, who I always hang around with and do many things with. Anyways I've these two friends in this group and I'm always the butt of their jokes. The thing is we're a group of friends, so we always hang out in a group, and these two people just pick on me ALL the time. I'll say something and they'll make fun of it. Its gone to the point that I can't even talk properly around them and I just feel so restricted. Like today for instance I went to a mutual friends house, again it was a group thing, so these two friends were there along with my best friend, me and the mutual friend. We were playing a board game so basically one of the girls was sitting on some kinda token or card. So I just pointed it out to her and tried to remove it and she's all "DON'T TOUCH IT" like I was about to do some repulsive deed. Then I don't know how this started but both these two people started talking about how lame I was as a person and how I always cracked lame jokes. They went on and on about how my lame jokes were like killing them or giving them a heart attack and how I was so lame. I tried telling them to shut up but somehow that wouldn't come out, so instead I just said "Well look whose talking. I'm lame only cause I've such lame friends" and then that gave them more excuse to tell my mutual friend about how lame I am, and told the host (the mutual friend) to tell me to shut up cause I basically sucked and to not open my mouth and to never talk again cause I was a boring lame freako. I told them to Stop it, and one of the two teasers, was telling everybody (in clear view of me, not behind my back and in front of everybody) when I was there about how annoying I was and how she felt like slapping me and put her hand in this slapping gesture thing, well kind of semi-jokingly cause she looked pretty annoyed. And everybody laughed. And seriously they were going ON and ON about it. Everybody else there seemed to find it funny and were laughing like hell and they were agreeing, including my best friend.

I felt horrible and I really felt like crying, but I didn't cry cause I didn't want to appear to be affected by their jokes. But I don't know what to do, I don't know why these two people always pick on me and make me feel like some insignificant twat who doesn't know anything and is just a dumb person. They don't pick on all the popular gals, or anybody else BUT just me, they'd make me feel terrible. They're pretty nice to everybody else. But only me, I'm like their punch bag. I mean I have never hurt them or teased them, but why do they have to make my life miserable? I can't even speak properly. These two friends were the cause of my misery in the last year (in 10th grade) because I used to sit next to them and my little group and I used to actually get really pathetic marks in my subjects. Now its much better since they're in a seperate class, and now I'm soo much better in my studies, infact I topped at about two subjects. I mean the difference in 10th and 11th standard was remarkable, I was able to be more confident as I didn't have those two people over there, but I can't avoid them in social parties, or whenever our group decides to go out. I mean they really put my confidence down and make me feel as if I'm worthless, they CONSTANTLY make fun of me, and I don't have any smart-comebacks either so yeah. Its not only this time they've teased me. They've teased me and bullied me so many times that its hurting my confidence and self-esteem. I've always gone out of my way to help them. In Dubai, you can't drive until your about 18 so I had always go out of my way to help these two people, who'd always come to me with their transportation problem, and I'd usually help them out at my own expense and I'd print stuff for their project and help them out a lot, so its kinda sad that these same friends who so nicely said thanks when I helped them, tell me to "Shut up" or tell me that they're getting so annoyed with me and feel like slapping me (even jokingly), even if jokingly.

I've tried talking to them, but they just say stuff like "Sheesh Miss Oversensitive, can't you take a joke?" "Stop being such a crybaby" "Stop being so oversensitive". I don't know what to do. And I really can't avoid them, since they're a part of our group and everybody else thinks they are "fun" and "funny" people. I feel kind of dumb for being so oversensitive about such a thing. Anyone has any advice?

posted March 09, 2007 04:51 PM         

Being a Cap myself, and I believe, a fellow Pisces mooner(?), I can understand how you feel, and where you're coming from. 11th grade huh? Such tough, tough years. Believe me, I don't think those years are easy for anyone. When I look back on how I was then, and how I am now...there is a world of difference. When you're young, your whole world revolves around your peers. You don't have any of the adult stresses yet that tend to take up much of your time. Your world tends to be more "selfish," and I don't say that in a bad way, but your peers, and how they make you feel carries an enormous weight in how you feel, and your self-esteem. You always want to impress your friends, and when they're the center of your universe and they put you down...the result is devastating.

It sounds to me like they are insecure themselves. Putting you down, and making fun of you makes them feel better about themselves. I think this is common in that age group. You sound like you have an issue with confrontation, which I have as well. As I've gotten older, I still have trouble with it, but if someone wants to start something like that with me, I come back with sharp sarcasm. I know sarcasm is a negative, and passive-aggressive way of coping with things, but it's an easy way for me to stand my ground, and it often comes across as witty and intelligent...which I like. However, there have been times in the past when I've had full blown falling outs with friends. I can't stand unresolved issues, and that's when the assertive side of me comes out. You have to be more mature, and be the adult. Tell them (one on one) why their comments are hurtful to you, and ask them to put themselves in your shoes. How would it make them feel? Normally I would say that if this doesn't work, you should re-evaluate the friendships and find new people to share your time with...but I know that at your age that could be devastating and seem impossible.

Best advice that I can give you is to start off with an adult conversation with each girl - separately. Explain your feelings clearly, and with as much confidence and authority as you can muster. Become the assertive, self-assured girl that you no doubt daydream of being after these incidents occur. IF this doesn't work, then I'd give these girls a dose of their own medicine! Really...sometimes this is the only thing that will get through to people.

Hope this helps, and things get better for you! Take care sweetie...

posted March 09, 2007 05:27 PM         

Methinks you should take your "oversensitive" self out of the presence of these two (**fill in appropriate negative word**). There is no need to subject yourself to this constant attack to be accepted in your group. You feel like the butt of their "jokes" because you ARE -- you're not crazy!! If it means giving up friends you have in common with the Dual Assault Team, then so be it -- you don't deserve this kind of "teasing" and you have a right to more consideration from people you consider your FRIENDS. It's NOT a joke, and it's NOT teasing -- this is out and out harassment, imho.

Let the DAT think you're "oversensitive" -- so what. The opinions of people with such low self-esteem themselves is hardly important in the grand scheme of your life. CC is right -- when they put others down, they feel better about themselves. Perhaps that's the tack to take with them -- say, "gosh, I feel so sad for you that you have to constantly put me down to feel better about yourself. It must be hard to feel so inadequate." Hey just ignore that cappyme -- that was my wishful thinking comeback to jerks like these girls. How thick a skin do they think you're supposed to grow in order to endure their harassment?? What they are doing is, at the very least, unkind and inconsiderate. I have other adjectives, but you probably know what they are anyway and a couple of them are unprintable

Hang in there sweetie!!

posted March 09, 2007 06:28 PM         

There is strength in numbers, and these girls have taken advantage of that with you. That's why I suggested one-on-one confrontation with them. POINT that out to them. Tell them that sure, they can act like big shi*s when there's two of them and only one of you! Now, I know that this isn't the "right" way to do things, but since you may not be able to just "ditch" them...perhaps you should "jokingly" point out some of their own short comings when in a big group. I know it sounds mean, and that really wouldn't be in my nature either, but you have two problems here: 1)you don't want to continue getting picked on, and 2)you don't want to lose your entire social circle. Put them in their place!

I've noticed that once people go to college...their entire demeanor can change. Who you WERE in high school no longer applies. It's a BIG world out there, and these girls will no doubt get a big dose of reality a year and a half from now. If you take them down a notch now, you may actually be helping them in a way. Because believe me, someone, somewhere, in the next few years of their lives, DEFINITELY will. You however, are growing stronger already having to deal with these blows. In 10 years, I have no doubt that you will be the more confident, assertive one.

posted March 09, 2007 09:32 PM         

Intuitively, you should be able to discern between the two, of either someone teasing you through a friendly gesture of some sort, or someone teasing you to personally entertain themselves. The hard part may be accepting what you cannot change, and you certainly can't change another person, through force or otherwise.

you could manipulate the situation through compassion, but you'd have to say the right thing, at the right time, to the right person, and being so conciously sensitive, i don't know if thats an option for you.

------------------
Virgo Rising 8'57, Sagittarius Sun/4thH 3'26, Pisces Moon/6thH 8'22

"Our passions are not too strong, they are too weak. We are far too easily pleased." - C.S. Lewis

posted March 10, 2007 09:57 AM         

I know what that can feel like. I think CrankyCap hit it on the head with her analysis of the Omega. This is something that I have noticed occurs a lot in human relationships- assigning one individual to be the punching bag / stress relief mechanism for all the other members of the group.

If you are able to assert yourself as an individual in this setting and basically say, "No. I am not going to take this anymore", then there is no way that they can force you to. It is really hard, especially if these girls are part of the group that you always hang out with, and you see them every day. However, at the point that you recognize that their actions are damaging to you, you need to do something about it. Walking away may be a good option if you do not think that talking to them about this would bear any effect. Yes, you may not be friends with those two girls anymore, but if the other members of your group are truly your friends, then they will still continue to be so. If they don't, then hey, you're well rid of them.

Whatever you decide, please don't let this become a cycle- you taking abuse and others dishing it out to you with very free hands and big smiles on their faces. It is unhealthy to your development as a person, and it really does turn into a vicious cycle.

posted March 12, 2007 11:24 AM         

now for the advice part , before i start my ranting , let me remind you - i am an extremist kind of person so may be the solution might not be very much be liked by you but i feel thats the only way out .

1. ask a question to your self , are these two girls really being worth a friend or even being a so called group friend .
i wouldn't have defined them such .

the same goes about your best friend , i would really mind if my friend had laughed with them , a friend is someone who should come to your help in time of need , if she was your best friend - she should have understood your sensitiveness .
but lets give her a benefit of doubt but with this , i would surely want you to raise this question to her .

2.i am giving you a free advice, take it if you like .
you can't really change people by being good to them all the time . that doesn't make them like you more .
every realtion( when i say every realtion , i mean -EVERY) has power balance . your being too goody is the key .
try to think , why they pick you in whole lot of group , most probably cos - you don't answer them back (thats pretty ok ,babe ! even i am such , i normally take time answering back , i am not really quick witted kind but i can be harsh when i am in mood , so its nothing to feel bad about . majority of the people are like us . having said that try thinking , how can you counter them , ultimately its all about understanding your strengths and weakness . )
also cos they themselves have been victims , so they know whom to touch and whom to not . they might just be trying to show thier superiority (and in the process, hiding thier own insecurities ) , so you have been chosen .

see, i had my violent means to counter all this ( i have gone through all this being the ever senti crab that i was , even now i am so but now atleast i have better shell and better understanding of others and life )

so i'll say , slap them if you feel like .
you might loose the group but believe me nothing in this world is bigger or valuer than you self esteem and self respect .

this is something that we can learn from caps and aquas - the ability to walk all alone .

posted March 12, 2007 11:38 AM         

The others have given a mesh of great advice here. I can't hasten to add much more. That situation is so hard to deal with - and yet so easy. It's in your response / body language. And even though this doesn't come naturally overnight, it will. My snippet of advice would be to read, books on confidence / healing / self help books like that you know? And you will know the right books to pick when you see them - I did when certain issues arose that need 'fixing up' a bit! With that comes understanding yourself and those around you, and therefore dealing with these situations in the best way for you.

posted May 10, 2007 06:01 PM         

CrankyCap:- Thanks for your comments. I felt like you were my elder sister giving me advice because you put so much thought into it. I could totally relate to whatever you were saying, and that you understood me quite well, almost like some psychic. It felt good to be cared for . About the humour thing I try to be sarcastic, but almost everytime I can't think of anything or I end up being lame.

Azalaksh:- Yep, thats VERY true. They aren't my friends and thank god I've realized that now. When you and CrankyCap gave me this advice, I immediately acted upon it and talked to the bully next day and as I predicted, she thought she had made no mistake and that she was teasing just cause of some "ego-war" between us. So right then and there, I broke off my friendship with her and my best friend was there to support me. Trust me, my life is so much better, I feel MUCH more confident and happier. So thanks for your advice! It was very empowering!

Neptune5:- Yeah the thing is even when I know somebody is teasing me to personally entertain themselves, I'll continue being their friends, cause either they are friends with my mutual friends, or they are part of our gang, or I'm scared to lose them as a friend. Thanks, I dunno about how I am sensitive. I mean I cry a lot, so I guess that makes me really emotional! .

And I would like to thank the rest of you also.

posted May 10, 2007 07:09 PM         

CC I also agree on your Omega wolf theory. I feel that is exactly what is going on here in cappyme's group. Also true what Zala said. People like those two friends of yours have low self-esteem and feel inadequate themselves so they attempt to build themselves up at the expense of others.

Maybe, just for a time, avoid the whole circle of friends. Refuse their invites to go places with them. Avoid them except for a nod or hello in passing. Sometimes, most times in fact, actions speak louder than words. Then if they ask you why you are not going places with them any longer, outright tell them that you do not wish to associate with people who find it amusing to put you down all the time. Tell them you respect yourself too much to hang out with people who do that and deserve better friends.

In fact, you do deserve better friends and better treatment. I am even using the term "friends" here loosely in referring to any of them because I don't see that any of them are any kind of friends of yours at all. The others may not say the mean things to you that these two do, but they laugh about it at your expense instead of telling the other two to knock it off as any true friend would do for another.

Stop hanging out with them for awhile. Your world won't end if you do. Then, if they ask why, just tell them what you told us here. If they don't ask why and don't seem to care, then, they were never friends of yours to begin with so you have lost nothing.

You made friends with them didn't you? You became friends with them so you can do that with other people too. Only from this lesson, choose your friends more wisely. Look for kind people to hang out with. People who appreciate you, accept you and approve of you just as you are.

What you described here is not just good natured "teasing." It's vicious. It's mean and cruel. It's designed to destroy your self-esteem because they don't possess any.