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Author
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Topic: Single Parent needing input - didn't know where to post this
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MommaAries
Knowflake Posts: 72
From: Vancouver, WA, USA
Registered: Oct 2006
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posted March 16, 2007 05:30 PM
 
When and how do you introduce your lover to your child(ren)?
My story (I will make it brief since some of you already know):
I am 22 (April 7, I'll be 23) and a single mom of a 2 1/2 year old son. I left his father in August (baaaaad situation). In November I met a wonderful Aquarius named Kevin (who's also 23). We had an instant connection. Just an amazing, unbeatable feeling. March 25 will be our 4 month mark, yet it feels like 4 years....Kevin knew I had a child from day one, but about a month ago he got cold feet, wasn't sure if he could handle being in a relationship that involves a child. So we parted ways but remain friends as we knew our connection was too deep to just brush off. We were back together 5 days later. He loves me and knows that being with me, means being with Lane (my son) too. He basically over thought everything and scared himself to the point of running. But he doesn't want to, he wants to be with me, and Lane. Infact it came up in our conversation after we decided to get back together, he didn't intend for our conversation the night we broke up to lead that direction...
Anyway, its my choice when to bring the two of them together but I just don't know how to do it and when to do it....They have spent some time together. Maybe 6 hours in the nearly 4 months we've been together (those times didn't go over so well so I think thats what makes me apprehensive and what maaay have rattled Kev's nerves before) I am just kind of playing things day by day, what feels right but I am worried I won't act on those feelings as I am scared to hurt my child with this possible male role model who may run scared again, or just flat our decide one day he may not love me as much as he thought, AND/OR scare off my lover because I chose the wrong time for them to spend time together, like a bad mood day lol sounds lame, but these are my thoughts......help? IP: Logged |
ListensToTrees
Knowflake Posts: 3844
From: Infinity
Registered: Jul 2005
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posted March 16, 2007 05:44 PM
First of all, I want to give you my admiration for being so brave and strong- and you're just 22 years old!Kids are a handful at the age yours is at! I should know- I am single parent to 10 month old Tommy and 3 year old Johnny! In a nutshell- my advice/opinion to give you, is that if this man is a really special person.....and if the bond you share together is strong and deep enough....you having a child will not be a problem; children are a blessing. He will learn to share a deep love for your child who is a part of you. I know of many people who have had kids and re-married and are very happy. Maybe I'll have a piece of the action some day(?!) Its not easy to get out and meet people I find. I live in this 'middle-class'(!) sought-after area where I'm surrounded by perfect, happily married couples. Single parents are a rare species. I've not been able to get out to the playgroups much due to my youngest catching several colds.....I need to make more of an effort to get to know people (I've not lived here that long).....Plus I'm not the most confident of all people.....ahhh well. Well, at least you have shown me that new beginnings are certainly possible- I just need to make more effort to get on out there! Some one give me a good old kick!! 'nuff of that! I hope it all works out for you. Good luck! &
Love & Light IP: Logged |
hippichick
Knowflake Posts: 1981
From: The Ether
Registered: Jan 2006
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posted March 16, 2007 10:01 PM
VERY difficult question---but I applaud you for asking!Single mom of two teenage daughters and I am 45--their dad is deceased. I have made the mistake more than once of bringing an "intimate" enouunter into my children's lives way before due time. When I say intimate, I mean other than a friend. Kids are way beyond dumb, even at your child's age, and as for me, my daughters and I are best friends as well as mother and daughters, so they know when I am interested in a man for something greater than a friend... None and i repeat NONE of the men that I have introduced to my kids since their dad's death almost 6 years ago now, has stuck around---to my doing... I realaize that relationships come and go and fail..but I have said to myself time and again that NO man will enter my home again, even to sit upon my sofa and view a movie with me unless he has PROVEN himself worthy. The hard part is the proving...Where does one delineate the rules??? For me, I would have to be very serious about the intimacy of an individual before I even consider bringing him into my home to meet my kids.....He would have to respect my relationship with my girls first and formost!!! And if he could not demonstrate this, then later! I just do not want to put my kids through more crap then they have already been through... This comes from expereince, girl. Our children are way too precious to expose them to people that come hither and yonder... BLessings Terri IP: Logged |
ListensToTrees
Knowflake Posts: 3844
From: Infinity
Registered: Jul 2005
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posted March 17, 2007 03:41 AM
Good advice.
The heart is such a delicate thing.Is there anywhere one can buy a special radar which helps us detect when a person is genuine and trustworthy or not?! Love & light IP: Logged |
BlueTopaz124
Knowflake Posts: 1382
From: Portland, OR
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted March 17, 2007 12:20 PM
Many women I know have waited (myself included) to introduce a guy to their children. When he has established or proved himself...I was always a friend first to guys and had little patience with that kind of thing, the not really in your life kind of guys. I was a single mom since my son was three and was extra-vigilant. Children notice quite a bit and have memories sometimes better than ours  The most important thing is to teach your child(ren) self-respect by example. IP: Logged |
lioneye68
Knowflake Posts: 6062
From: Canada
Registered: Apr 2003
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posted March 17, 2007 03:00 PM
MommaAries, you asked how do you know if a person is genuine and trustworthy, enough to be a part of your little family unit.... People are telling you who they are all the time with their actions. Believe them. It's not in what they say, it's in what they do. I dare say, a 23 year old man is typically not mature enough to be a devoted family man, although the effort is probably more earnest when the child(ren) are his own. But, the idea of being a father figure to a child that is not his own, probably feels too burdensome to most. There are certainly exceptions to this, but I'm inclined to think they likely to have strong Cancerain/Lunar, or Capricorn/Saturn personalities, not Aquarian/Uranian types. Heck, Aquarian/Uranian types tend to have the most difficult time being consistant and emotionally responsible, at any age. I would caution you to not have unrealistic expectations of "happily-ever-after-family" with the 23 year old Aquarian....Unless his natal chart is strongly Lunar or Saturnian. Just my thoughts, of course. I have been in your shoes.  IP: Logged |
MommaAries
Knowflake Posts: 72
From: Vancouver, WA, USA
Registered: Oct 2006
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posted March 17, 2007 04:01 PM
Thanks everyone for all the replies!Kevin and I agree that the two of them need to build a friendship if our relationship is going to continue down the path we've already started...but I am still torn... On one hand I think 4 months (to me) isn't that long to be introducing someone to Lane. Could be because I didn't see his own father's true colors until about 6 months into our relationship, but sadly, I was young, dumb, and already pregnant. On the other hand I see Kevin as a wonderful man. A man who loves me and wants to be apart of my life and my son's. I can't help but see good things to come. So why not let them begin to build their friendship? Perhaps, I am wearing rose colored glasses inside my love bubble? Or maybe its my sister's thoughts flooding my head of "needing to find a father figure" for my son.  IP: Logged |
MommaAries
Knowflake Posts: 72
From: Vancouver, WA, USA
Registered: Oct 2006
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posted March 17, 2007 04:04 PM
HippieChick - any regrets? Any steps? Any signs? Do you have a set of tests that you put your partners through?  LionEyes - Here's our birth info, can you tell me what you see? me: April 7, 1984 8:36am Aberdeen, WA, USA (not Aberdeen Junction, WA)
Kevin: February 3, 1984 appx 1:30am Longview, WA, USA Do you really think the charts would matter even if *he wants* to be with me and my son? IP: Logged |
Kamilla
Knowflake Posts: 860
From: NJ USA
Registered: Apr 2006
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posted March 17, 2007 05:17 PM
First of all, you deserve great respect for approaching this issue in such serious and mature way. So many young women wouldn't (and don't) think twice about dragging their child alone on whatever adventures they are up to. You are a very good Mom and I think your own instincts will guide you through the situation better than anyone's advice. I agree with lioneye that 23 years old guy is not the best candidate for a father figure but ...stranger things happened. IP: Logged |
MommaAries
Knowflake Posts: 72
From: Vancouver, WA, USA
Registered: Oct 2006
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posted March 17, 2007 05:40 PM
Kamilla - thanks you very much, its nice to hear that once in awhile  I don't really think *age* is an issue. I mean it does present certain situations. Like 23 is a rough age for deciding life outcomes. You're still close enough to feel 21 and want to act that way (go out, party, free spirit sort of mentality) but close to 25, a typical age it seems most calm down, settle down... When it comes to Kevin though... he has been through a lot in his 23 years that has matured him beyond my son's father (who will be 27 soon). I think he has an old soul. I often forget he is 23... IP: Logged |
MysticMelody
Moderator Posts: 3521
From:
Registered: Dec 2005
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posted March 17, 2007 06:10 PM
Overall I prefered to be "alone" rather than take any chances with my daughter. However, I think that friends also come and go out of people's lives and it's important for children to understand this and not think that any friend I meet (like another mother with children for example) is suddenly a member of the family and someone worthy of her whole-hearted love and devotion. I think that making friends and even having romantic relationships are a good thing, but I don't think that moving a guy in (not that you are doing that) after only dating for less than a year is the best move. It will be really confusing and the child will hurt over the break-up as much as you will.
I know you aren't at that point quite yet, but as you already see... things can progress rather quickly and move much faster than you originally planned. If he is going to stick around, he will. You can slow down. If he isn't going to stick around then you might as well shield your child from most of the drama. You can go to the park. You can tell the child he is a boyfriend (explain that this is a basically a friend and include any age-appropriate details you feel are necessary to not feel like you are lying) but make it clear he isn't a "daddy". Just date him and enjoy getting to know him. If you rush in, don't take your baby on the same ride. Ya know? 
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hippichick
Knowflake Posts: 1981
From: The Ether
Registered: Jan 2006
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posted March 17, 2007 10:35 PM
MMVERY well said!!  IP: Logged |
MysticMelody
Moderator Posts: 3521
From:
Registered: Dec 2005
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posted March 18, 2007 03:07 AM
!
Thanks! It's something I have thought about A LOT. I'm so glad you all were there to give good support right away. I didn't have the right words at first, but I couldn't ignore such an important thread. We single Moms have to stick together!
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Kamilla
Knowflake Posts: 860
From: NJ USA
Registered: Apr 2006
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posted March 18, 2007 11:23 AM
(((MM)))VERY well said. How are you? Haven't talk to you for a while. Still thinking about this "rock-goddess" drawing I just think that while we are devoted to our children it is also important for them to realize that other people are entitled to some of our affection as well . IP: Logged |
MommaAries
Knowflake Posts: 72
From: Vancouver, WA, USA
Registered: Oct 2006
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posted March 21, 2007 12:15 PM
MM - that was very well said, and I agree whole heartedly with it. It made a lot of sense. Maybe I could use your words to explain to my sister and one of my friends who is giving me grief for "wasting time" with Kevin and not finding a "father figure" for Lane. Kevin and I are enjoying our time together. Whither or not we stay together, live together, get married that to me doesn't matter. Because in the end we will have both have had a great time and learned something from what we have/had. And Kevin and Lane have spent a little more time together. Sunday we went to the Saturday Market (like a farmer's market) and walked around. They had a good time. Last night Kev asked me if Lane is shy around him and I think he is. Lane is not nearly as funny and outgoing as he normally is when Kevin is around. When he is, Lane switches to quiet and/or grouchy mode. Knowing Kevin, I think this is going to be his motivator to break down the wall between them. He hates not "connecting" with people I really do appreciate all you ladies have said and done and you are right - We single mommies (& parents!) need to stick together!!  IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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