posted March 22, 2007 05:01 AM         

Mercury: You are always uncomfortably warm. If you are Taurus with Mercury rising this is a sign that you amount to nothing more than a broken-down Ford automobile. Stay away from Aries and definitely do consider joining the AA or AAA ASAP, OK?

Venus: You are a vile little ***** , yet you think that you are the goddess of sex and love, but that's because you haven't looked in the mirror lately. Face it, your days as a callgirl are sadly numbered. You're my fire, you're my desire.

Earth: You like staying close to home; those who claim you are "very down-to-earth" are only looking for a polite way to say that you bore them to tears. At least you're mostly harmless. (NOTE: This can well stand for the Moon as well).

Mars: You like chocolate. You like chocolate a little too much. This may be why you're as large as a big red planet. Quit the junk food and the quick-fix "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Bratz are from Hell" relationship books or you'll never get your life back on track.

Jupiter: You are the berry used to make gin.

Saturn: You like jewelry, especially rings. Unfortunately for you, the only rings manufactured by Saturn Inc. are GM piston rings.

Uranus: You are a complete ass and a very large target for Klingons, one of which will kill you in some horrible way during some future episode of Star Trek.

Neptune: You are allergic to seafood. You spend most of your time leeching tunes online, and will never amount to much of anything more than a mouse potato. See also Napster.

Pluto: You are a dwarf with wild delusions that that stockpile of weapons-grade plutonium you've stashed away will make you a superpower someday. Nonetheless, you will amount to nothing, largely because the fallout is stunting your growth and development.

posted March 22, 2007 05:03 AM         

Pisces (Fish): You have a talent for swimming but have not yet developed lungs. If you're reading this out of water then you're probably dead. Likes: plankton. Dislikes: Captain Birdseye, toilets.

Aries (Ram): You are not a born leader. You tend to follow in a group and be quite plain and unnoticeable. People tend to use you and you can be often taken for a ride. However you are dependable and can be counted on, unless you're a K-car. Likes: grass, large groups. Dislikes: getting your hair cut, being taken for a ride.

Taurus (Bull): Unlucky, you're the bull-headed Taurus. Thinking is not your strong point. I'm surprised if you can read this. Likes: goring things, spreading bull. Dislikes: the colour red, Spanish people.

Gemini (Twins): This one is easy, you have multiple personality disorder. You never make up your minds about anything but you're fun to have at parties. Likes: flowers, cars. Dislikes: cars, flowers.

Cancer (Crab): You have too much unsafe sex. Buy some condoms. Likes: unsafe sex, pinching people. Dislikes: lice, fishnets.

Leo (Lion): You are strong, clever, brave and have an unnerving passion for taking down large mammals. All the fat people recently left your neighbourhood. Likes: red meat, hair curlers. Dislikes: guns, gnus, snug and nugs.

Virgo (Virgin): You have an unbridled passion for Danish film stars who kill Orcs in their spare time. Likes: the Lord of the Rings. Dislikes: Swedish people.

Libra (Scales): Know it all. Likes: reading. Dislikes: contact with the opposite sex (they scare you).

Scorpio (Scorpion): You kill people for fun, and have quite a sting in your tail. Likes: the Rock, the Mummy Returns. Dislikes: Brendon Fraser.

Ophiuchus (Snake Bearer): A dude holding his snake, which, judging by your usage of the internet, you are too. He was invented in 1930 to **** off wishy-washy astrologers. Likes: ruining your **** , Neon Genesis Evangelion. Dislikes: going outside, talking to humans.

Sagittarius (Centaur): You are very in touch with your animal side. It could, in fact, be said that you like animals a little too much. You are very in touch with animals. Have I made myself clear yet? Likes: that should be obvious. People under the sign of Aries. Dislikes: anti-bestiality laws.

Capricorn (Goat): Goats aren't funny. You aren't funny. This one is quite pathetic. Just ignore it. Likes: un-funny things (like this). Dislikes: non-goat related things.

posted March 22, 2007 05:05 AM         

Fire: You have a fiery personality or have an insatiable appetite.

Water: You are naturally gifted at swimming or wetting the bed.

Earth: You are patient and thoughtful or fat and slow.

Air: You have a breezy attitude to life or you are transparent.

Silicon: You have a natural gift for using computers or you're a complete nerd.

Francium: You have a tendency to eat frogs, snails and other icky things or you have many German visitors in your house.

posted March 22, 2007 05:07 AM         

Astrology can be bad for your health.

Do not take orally.

Astrology is not intended as a substitute to breast-feeding.

Do not mix with drinks containing caffeine, alcohol or water.