posted April 27, 2007 07:37 PM         

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“If I cannot see sports scores, stock reports, and weather forecasts scrolling across the bottom of the screen at all times, I will kill myself.”

“I can't wait to see this overweight middle aged comic and his disproportionately attractive wife deal with their adolescent children in a humorously unorthodox, though ultimately conservative manner.”

“I don't see enough petty, selfish individuals in my daily life. Therefore, I will tune in to tonight's scheduled reality television show.”

“You cannot make a television show too stupid for me to watch.”

“I was going to change the channel until the network reminded me, halfway through the first commercial break, that the program would ‘be right back.' I had previously been under the impression that the program was lost and would never return.”

“I find this sitcom intellectually challenging.”

“I am completely unaware of the fact that the corporation being investigated by the FBI in this news segment owns this news station. Even if I were aware of this fact, I would put great faith in the objectivity and journalistic integrity of this enormous media conglomerate.”

“I'm glad this rock band has a limited repertoire of similarly progressing power chords. If their songs were more creative, it would confuse me, and I would not buy their album.”

“As a member of the African-American community, I readily identify with this hip-hop artist's misogynistic views and propensity towards crime.”

“That beautiful and scantily clad young woman, whose name escapes me at the moment, is my favorite musical artist of all time.”

“It's a good thing my carbonated soft-drink came with one free music download, for I would have felt uncomfortable downloading free music on the internet.”

“Finally a halftime show that combines my love of hard-nosed championship football and pre-pubescent teen-pop!”

“I will buy any CD that produces sound.”

“I am upset that I work full time and still fall below the poverty line. I blame queers and people of another race.”

“Clearly, the best way to reduce crime is to build more prisons. Evidence linking poverty and crime is flimsy at best.”

“At least both candidates favor education initiatives with humanitarian names that direct money towards arbitrary and biased standardized tests. Hiring more qualified teachers and rebuilding crumbling inner-city schools would yield questionable results.”

“The rich do enough for this country. They should not have to pay higher taxes than the rest of us.”

“I fear that we might one day be attacked by a country whose economy is based almost entirely on trade with the United States. Therefore, we must spend more on our military than every other nation combined. This will make other countries feel more secure, and they will ***** their underclass to us rather than initiate an arms race.”

“Morality is derived from creatively interpreting apocryphal texts, not the desire to reduce human suffering.”

“If we give free health care to poor people by taxing the super-rich, the economy, and quite possibly the universe, will collapse.”

“I see many distinct differences between these two courageous candidates.”

“Congratulations on successfully side-stepping another important question and leaving me lost in forest of vague rhetoric and empty catch-phrases. You've got my vote.”

“One American life is worth approximately ten European lives, four hundred thousand African lives, and fifteen million Arab lives.”

“A presidential candidate's war record is the deciding factor in his ability to oversee the American economy.”

“The rich white liberal cares about me more than the rich white conservative, though they both care about me very much.”

“I prefer the product with the attractive salespeople.”

“I was heretofore unaware of the maximum safe duration for a chemically induced erection.”

“That recognizable athlete scores all those points because of his brand-name sports beverage, right?”

“This song reminds me of my youth. Therefore, I will buy.”

“I can only afford $74.99 on a new pair of old looking blue jeans; $75 is just too much.”

“I would have gone to an amateur poetry reading rather than the monster truck rally had the gentleman on the radio commercial not been yelling.”

“Wow. I had no idea smoking was so bad for you.”

“If I buy this face cream, I will be as beautiful as the actress endorsing it.”

“After hearing rap music on their commercial, I can now trust this giant white-owned corporation to fulfill all my consumer needs. It no longer bothers me that the CEO eliminated all employee benefits to build his own country club.”

“There is very likely buried treasure somewhere in the backyard of my suburban Chicago home. If only there were a way of detecting the presence of metal underground.”

“Yes, I have been injured recently. And, no, I hadn't considered litigation until this trustworthy family man suggested it.”

“I can't believe I voted for a politician so soft on crime. I will not make the same mistake this election. I am also far more likely to vote for the smiling candidate in the color photograph.”

“This electronics super store has so many things I need at such great prices that I might just kill myself.”

“With that many explosions, how could the movie not be good?”

“I will enjoy your inexpensive, highly potent alcohol responsibly.”

”This celebrity who appears to be in good physical shape must be an expert on health and nutrition.”

“When passing a car dealership with a catchy jingle, I will remember that they have fair prices and know that I am a busy man. When I finally have some free time, I will buy the first safe, reliable, and easily financed automobile I see.”

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posted April 28, 2007 01:32 AM         

How do you reconcile being a free thinker in a world of sheeps?

I know there are many free thinkers, anti establishment type people on this site, people who are intelligent, go against the grain, not average.

posted April 28, 2007 09:23 AM         

quote:

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How do you manage being in a world thats just sooo average. A world of fast food, TV, sports, and church.

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posted April 30, 2007 11:23 PM         

(* * *)

Americans are pretty widespread these days, particularly on the internet. Chances are, you've probably run into one or two of them here on livejournal - you may even be one yourself(1) - although I've been informed that some people have difficulty spotting them(2), which is why I've decided to provide you all with this handy guide.

Enthusiasts will find it an invaluable tool in quickly identifying yanks to interact with & study, whereas those who inexplicably don't enjoy talking about hamburgers and Jesus will have some use for it, I'm sure...

You can thank me later.

1. Vowel Phobia

The most obvious clue that you're talking to an American is their unreasoning fear of vowels - particularly in clusters. The average American fervently believes that vowels are highly explosive, and are capable of reaching critical mass if too many of them are used in a single sentence. They therefore remove as many vowels as possible from as many words as possible in an attempt to 'disarm' the language and prevent an explosion (3).

(It has been theorised that apostrophes & hyphens are regarded as 'a bit like shrapnel', which would seem to explain why so many Americans avoid using these as well.)

Of course, a series of consonants isn't proof that it's an American writing the post - it could also be Welsh, so be on your guard.

2. Union Jack Icons

Easy one, this. It's the LJ equivalent of walking through Leicester Square wearing Union Jack shorts - something only an American would do. Britons don't really identify with the Union Jack(4), we don't wear it on our clothing, we don't put it in our icons - but Americans certainly do (odd, considering that whole tea-wasting palaver they went through to get rid of the flag, but there you have it...)

3. Food Obsession

No, this isn't an 'Americans are fat' comment(5); I'm talking about posting pictures of food. And talking about food. At every opportunity. When a British person posts about having a meal, we post about what happened during the meal - anecdotes that were told, stupid stuff that happened, people getting insulted, Aunt Gladys choking to death on the meringue... entertaining things like that.

Americans, on the other hand, post about the food. With pictures of the food. If we're especially lucky, the people who were actually eating the food might get mentioned (in passing), but only if it doesn't shift the focus away from the food too much.

4. Mental Illness

Or rather talking about it. Obviously being barking mad isn't restricted to the yanks, but they do seem to be the only ones who are eager to tell absolutely everyone they know (and, indeed, everyone they don't) all about how crazy they are. If a post mentions therapy or anti-depressants - you can be pretty damn confident there's an American sat behind the keyboard.

A Brit will happily regale the internet with the tale of how he got so drunk last night he passed out and woke up naked in a gutter full of ****t, but there's no ****ing way any of us will post about being mental.
We've got too much dignity for that...

5. Disproportionate Levels of Enthusiasm

Americans don't seem to think we'll believe they're impressed unless they're screaming like a ****ing spastic at the top of their lungs. This of course carries across into LiveJournal - if you receive an overly enthusiastic response to some pretty mediocre news ("I found 5p behind the fridge earlier" "SWEET ****ing JESUS, that's so ****ing great, it's fantastic, that's the best news I've ever heard! you're awesome, wow!!!! It's so awesome, that's brilliant!!!!!!!!! I'm touching myself right now" for example) then you've got an American on your friendslist.

They're probably not trying to come across as the least sincere person the world has ever known. Probably.

6. Being Literal

Americans, sadly, have to take everything they read at face value, and are utterly unable to comprehend sarcasm - even if you explain it to them. Especially if you explain it to them....

If the phrase "Are you serious?" or "Are you being sarcastic?" appears in a comment - yep; you've got a yank reading. You'll probably be tempted to reply to these questions sarcastically.

Don't. You'll just confuse the American further, and you'll end up blaming yourself when it gets disoriented & has to be put down. It's best just to leave them to their own devices - they're simple folk, with simple ways. You can't change that.

No matter how much their literal interpretation of absolutely everything you say may make you want to stab them repeatedly in the face.

7. Lack of Opinions

Americans don't express actual opinions. I'm not saying that they don't comment, but that they don't tell you what they think about things. Typical American commentary (be it as a reply to someone else's LJ post or a review of a film) is more along the lines of "This is funny" "This is scary. It is a film. See Jack Run. Run, Jack, Run."(6) or "You wrote a post. This is a funny post", "You are sad", "This post contains both words and pictures. You wear glasses." etc.

...You get the idea. It's not opinion; it's description. I'm not sure if Americans are actually capable of expressing opinions - there's a part of me that thinks maybe it's a politically-correct "I don't want to offend anyone by giving my opinion" sort of thing, but there's another part of me that thinks maybe this is how they interpret the world.

Which is terrifying (but it would explain the sarcasm thing...)

8. Holidays

Americans like holidays. This may be because they don't get any time off work - they live in the Land of the Free, remember, so they don't really need any time off(7) - every day is like a holiday for them. Actually, pretty much every day is a holiday - and Americans are determined to celebrate every ****ing one of them, in a desperate attempt to bring a semblance of joy into their drab, soulless little lives.

This is extreme, but not that unusual - every nation has its holidays to celebrate, after all. You know you're talking to an American when they expect you to celebrate their holidays. Their national holidays. Now, with certain things it makes a little bit of sense - Christmas, for example; there are Christians in countries other than America (although if you're Hindu Americans will still expect you to get a visit from 'Santa'...) - but it makes absolutely no sense when we're talking about stuff that isn't based on religion.

Trying to explain to an American why we don't celebrate Thanksgiving in England, for example, can be a little difficult - in part because really, we are thankful(8) - but I would still expect anyone with at least a rudimentary understanding of his own national history to know why we don't celebrate it, without my having to explain it. Every bloody year.

Their other national holidays are even less relevant to the rest of the world - no, I don't think that National Talk Like a Pirate Day is of major cultural significance(9). You know, I don't believe they celebrate the Fourth of July in Ghana, actually. Can't think why. No, they don't get a day off work in Germany on Martin Luther King day - disgraceful, isn't it?

They just aren't able to grasp the concept that 'national' means 'within America', or that their holidays just aren't important to the rest of the world(10), and so they get incredibly confused when we don't even know that the holiday exists (which, considering they seem to create them at the drop of a ****ing hat, is a pretty common occurrence).

Hopefully, this will aid you all in your Yank-spotting - maybe some of you even have rare breeds in your friendslist that you can swap with a fellow enthusiast! A few may be surprised to find that you have hitherto unnoticed Americans commenting in your journal - try not to be disturbed by this. It comes as a shock to all of us at first.

I know a lot of their behaviour may seem obnoxious : that's because it is.
You just have to remember that it's not their fault - they're American; they have to live with it, and we have to put up with them.

posted May 01, 2007 12:27 PM         

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That literal thing is weird. This i think it is new, i don't remember that kind of thing being so prevalant say 10 years ago. WTF happened?????

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#4, along with too much T.V. and movie watching is what happened I think, thirteen. LOL

Both of these were great. Thanks for the laughs, Johnny and Dervish.

posted May 02, 2007 03:42 AM         

Are you being sarcastic?