posted May 01, 2007 08:21 PM         

I've been going through a hard time in my life the past couple years because of a marriage that should've never happened, and now that I'm divorcing, I find that some of my 'friends' are magically losing my phone number / email address - they stop writing/calling when I tell them the news. I just don't get it.. these friends were always there for me before, and we used to be so close. Now, suddenly, it's like I'm an outcast, a leper - they don't even bother to ask me why or what happened or, God forbid, how I might be handling it - all I need to do is say the word 'divorce', and they're gone.

They don't realize how much pain I've been going through in my life, how hard it was to come to this decision in the first place, and how much pain I've been going through dealing with the fallout of that decision, the logistics, the emotional aspect, and so much more. There's the wondering if you're doomed to be alone for the rest of your life, and there's some part of you that judges yourself too; it's SO much harder than I ever imagined... a real nightmare. You feel like you'll never be the same again, and wonder if you'll ever be happy like before it all started. Then, there's the telling-people part - it's so hard to have people constantly ask about the spouse, and then the decision about telling them it's over - that part is actually a relief when you finally do it, putting an end to those kind of questions, but I find myself hesitant to talk about it because I don't want to add more to my overloaded plate, having to deal with people's reactions.

So the reactions of so-called friends still seem to shock me, with each person that does that. And I'm normally a very strong person - I don't lean on anyone much for emotional support usually; I find ways to deal with problems myself. I just never thought they could be so callous or judgmental; it makes the nightmare I'm going through worse. I guess I shouldn't be surprised or angry or the least bit sad at the loss of a friendship - it's probably better that I found out now, and that I don't waste any further emotion or time on them.

*sigh* Seriously, I gotta say, kudos to the women out there who've been through a divorce with worse situations/issues than I have, and still come out on top! You are some very strong women, and I hope to be strong like you. You've gotta share: How did you deal with all this emotional crap and still make it out alive?

posted May 01, 2007 08:53 PM         

It's like we are all treading water in the middle of the ocean. We can give each other a hand with little things, but, when somebody is thrashing around, there is a danger that they might pull you down with them. Do you know anybody in a good marriage? Anyone who is not terrified of being confronted with reminders of their own marital blisslessness? We are all treading, all exhausted from the days labor. The labor of one man is a lot to bear without feeling responsible for your friend's problems as well.

I'm saying this because I understand why people do that. Its draining helping people, lol. It's hard work. Most people will only do it for someone who has been there for them durring a similar time in their own life. So, have you been there for them? If the answer is yes, then, I agree with you, they are crappy friends... no, I'm just kidding. Sort of.

Anyway, good luck.
You will love again.
Keep your chin up.
Etc.

posted May 01, 2007 09:10 PM         

You are going through one of the most stressful situations right now. I was in a marriage to a man that was nice, but couldn't give me the love I needed. I won't get into specifics, but we made better friends than mates. The divorce was painful but relatively easy- no fighting just a sort of sigh and goodbye. I DID notice how some people backed away. Friends that I trusted would stop calling..

I found that my friends that distanced themselves were also friends that had questions about their own marriages. I guess they felt that being around someone going through a divorce would somehow rock their boat of marital bliss LOL...

I lived in Maryland while this was going on and I didn't have any family in the area. I threw myself into my work and said to hell with those that couldn't handle it.

Things worked out- better than expected.. It was the path that led to my present and that makes it all worth it.

****edited to remove e-mail addy

Hugs,

pidaua

posted May 01, 2007 09:12 PM         

It hurts, I know, and yes, you lose alot of mutual friends, funny they all seem to gravitate to man, anyway that is how it was for me, even friends that I brought into the marriage.
It's a new beginning for you, the true will stand by you, if they don't, well, you know the answer.
Be strong, live each day in the positive light,
your future, is so Bright, I just know it!
Time for you to find yourSelf, and what truly makes you happy, then all will fall into place, just as it should.
Sending you LOts of LOve, during this difficult transition, it will get better, and don't feel guilty, it won't do any good, it's a waste of time.
If you need a reading or anything, someone to talk to, let me know, and I'll put up my email, or you can probably find it here somewhere in LL, hehe, it's everywhere.

posted May 01, 2007 11:00 PM         

"And I'm normally a very strong person - I don't lean on anyone much for emotional support usually; I find ways to deal with problems myself."

This is why they leave you alone to deal with it. If you fell apart constantly they would worry. But you don't, so they assume you need time to do whatever you do that gets you through. You are going to have to show some vulnerability and ask for help. Next, get a good book that focuses on creating new interests and increased personal power. If the pain gets to be too much, get mad for a while and focus on all of the reasons for ending it, instead of wallowing in the bittersweet memories. (The trick is that your mind only can feel sadness or anger, not both at once.) You can grow from the pain and forgive the bad stuff later, right now focus on holding it together.

THEN (and this is the fun part)
re-create yourself. You are no longer Mrs. That Guy, you are now on a new adventure and a new journey! Get rid of the memory stuff. Take it down, ditch what you can and put the rest in a box for future forgiveness and fond memories time. Get it out of your sight and environment though. Then either move or move all of your furniture (you can do this and it will feel great) and paint and decorate your rooms whatever girly garden of eden goddess way you please. Get pink dishes if you want (or purple plates...) when you are done moving furniture and fixing things for weeks, start a workout of some sort, and put your focus on these physical things while your emotional and mental self heals.
*WHEW*

There are many situations where people can be very judgmental, but this isn't usually one of them.

OH

Go rent "Waiting to Exhale" that'll help you get your anger and sadness out.

posted May 02, 2007 09:44 AM         

quote:

---

People also don't know what to say. It's like an illness... do they stick with lame platitudes... do they call him a jerk... nothing seems right and they don't know what to do. Take it easy on yourself. You have people who care. You might have to ask or show some serious vulnerability. The stronger you appear, the less help you will recieve.

---

But wouldn't a person rather recieve that small bit of help rather than those lame platitudes?

posted May 02, 2007 08:15 PM         

Oh by no means was my post ment to be harsh; Just direct to the point. My apologies if it came off as impolite. I do feel for those who have to go though the rough bumps in life and yes... a heart-felt concern for your pain Sunshine. However, I don't think anyone in Sunshine's position would want empty words of comfort, or "tomorrow is gonna be a better day" speech. IMO, someone would benifit more with advice in such life-altering situations rather then words of comfort. A hug can only go so far but an advice actually means that you care enough about the person to show them a possible solution to the problem at hand.

Afeection is good... But an advice helping the person towards a solution to a problem is better. It makes a person more happier that they managed to beat the barrier on their own and came out of it smelling like a Rose.

About the sketches:

posted May 02, 2007 08:20 PM         

HSC, Pidaua, lotusheartone, MysticMelody, BlueMoon, Xodian, lalalinda..

HSC, that's true.. I hadn't thought of that - very few people have enormous reserves of strength that allow them to buoy another while keeping themselves from drowning. Though, to be fair, I don't expect help from anyone really.. but, I guess, judging from my disappointment at their reaction, I must've hoped for at least some acknowledgement that they're still on my side, still my friend - the emotional kind of support. All the same, I won't fault them for it. I feel a bit embarrassed now; it was a bit out of character for me to rant on about folks when I should've shown more forbearance..

Pidaua, our situations sound similar, though in mine, I realize that there has been a lot of deception/lies, and it has been making me feel bitter, like I wasted all this time in a marriage that I could've ended early on, had I known the extent of his deception then. But, I know.. it's a waste of time to have regrets like that. I'm also living far from family and most of my friends have now moved away too, which has been adding to the loneliness. You're SO sweet to offer to talk to me, given what you're going through yourself; you're such a strong woman, and I admire you for that; I'll write you in a bit.

Oh, and come to think of it, it makes a lot of sense what you said about these friends - I think some of them (the married ones, at least) might not want to be too close to a divorce situation when their own marriages aren't that strong; they might be worried it might send them over that edge!

lotus, I didn't realize you'd been through this too. I'm trying to be strong as well - as they say, what doesn't kill you makes you that much stronger! And thank you, I would SO love a reading if you have the time!!

posted May 02, 2007 08:38 PM         

Gosh, you're so sweet; your being supportive is SO appreciated, girlfriend!! Wow, it must've been so hard to go through that yourself - I can't believe your guy friend could just stand back and allow you to deal with it by yourself when you were there for him every step of the way! Must've really hurt... ((((((hugs))))))

And, you're right.. I've been too self-sufficient in the past, seemingly so.. the only person I really let in was my boyfriend at the time (not my current ex) who knew my vulnerability and supported me SO wonderfully through anything & everything (I totally made a mistake marrying this other guy instead of staying with him). I think all this is hurting me so much more because I'm staying away from this ex-boyfriend too until I'm officially divorced and have sorted all this mess out. I'm sure if I were to actually tell people that I am indeed having a rough time, that I'm not this robot I appear to be, they'd realize that I might appreciate knowing they still care...

And, you know, the ex-husband is the LAST person I want to talk about, I'm so keen on just moving on with my life and forgetting he ever existed... that's where I'm having trouble though. I haven't felt the same in a long time, and am having trouble getting over the pain of it all. I guess I need to give it some time... time heals..

I've moved (did it about 9 months ago) and gotten rid of (or boxed) almost everything that reminds me of the marriage, but I guess it's the scars inside that need to heal for me to be able to move on. I totally dig the idea of re-decorating!! (Do you have pink/purple plates? How awesome is that! Ooh, and I can't wait to see Waiting to Exhale..!! Oh, and I really, really, really can't wait to re-invent myself!! That's one of the great parts of this - finding myself again and finding time to do things for myself, to make me happy..

posted May 02, 2007 08:42 PM         

my email is lotusheart10@yahoo.ca,

or I can post the reading here, I'll be able to do it tomorrow afternoon, let me know.

LOve to YOU, and ALL. ...

posted May 02, 2007 09:05 PM         

((((((hugs)))))) to you, lalalinda; thank you!

Xodian, hon, you're very right, I've been thinking a whole lot about this myself - we all have to deal with our own demons/pain ultimately; no one else can do it for us, but knowing that there are loved ones on your side, makes you feel that much stronger... There are some family members I'm just starting to tell, and it amazes me how loved I feel, how much stronger, when they let me know that they care and that they're on my side, and that they understand why I had to do it. I'm so grateful for that, because it is empowering, knowing that they _understand_, that they don't judge me for doing it. Going through a divorce, especially when you started the process, can be hard that way - you blame yourself and wonder if you threw in the towel too quickly or if you should've fought harder; you tend to judge yourself a bit (unless you're cool enough or strong enough not to do that), and there are so many conflicting emotions that can quickly add up to way too much.

And I'm not the least bit worried about what strangers think, though I may concern myself a bit too much about the opinions of family & friends sometimes, LOL! And yes, platitudes don't count for so much, but the words of knowflakes who've written here to me over the past day, mean SO much to me, because they have been through the same thing and survived, so I derive strength from their words... I feel so much better than I did yesterday.

Oh, and no worries about me taking any offense.. I didn't. Now, how about posting that picture you drew... you're one talented knowflake, from what I've seen around here, so let's see your sketch!!

posted May 02, 2007 09:10 PM         

Oh, I'm so sorry you had to deal with an abusive situation!! I hope you're fully healed (inside) from such an awful experience, and that you're much, much happier now...

I'm really surprised to hear you're a Taurus - I would've thought a Scorpio perhaps, a water sign, most definitely; do you have a lot of water influence in your chart? I'm an earth sign too - lots of Capricorn, which is probably why I took a whole lot of crap from the ex before deciding to end it.

Thank you for the email addy; I'll write you...

posted May 02, 2007 09:18 PM         

I am a BULL, LOL, with Libra ascending/ and MOon in Scorpio, Pluto in Virgo, Saturn in Pisces, and Jupiter in Cancer, that's my water! hehe

posted May 02, 2007 09:28 PM         

gosh, I have alot of water, I am drowning, LOL

at this point I will tell you the rest as I look them up, Uranus, hehe in Virgo

Mercury and Venus in Aries
and Mars in Taurus, almost completely conjunct my sun....

posted May 04, 2007 01:55 AM         

i am really sorry to hear about your 'friends'. i know it must hurt a lot i'd recommend moving them to the 'acquaintance' list now. good riddance !!

but honey, i find it really disturbing that so many of your friends have turned out to be rotten apples. i am worried, do you trust people too easily ? i know you are a very giving person, very generous with your time and affection. may be these people were just takers, feeding off your generosity, and when its time to give back, they have turned their backs on you.

another thing...i seem to remember you being from a conservative family background (and i totally understand bcoz i am an indian)....when it comes to divorce, many 'modern' people show their true colors. for everything else they r modern....but when it comes to things that really matter, they suddenly go back to the dark ages.

and like someone said....may be they want out of their marriages too...and so can't look u in the eye.

anyways, tht's how i'd interpret it....

lots of love
ILWL