posted May 12, 2007 05:12 PM         

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Who else would have their sense of identity tied up with flirting with other people? To me it just sounds like people like that like what they are doing and don't want to stop doing it - which is fine - but blaming it on being smothering and putting it on your partner about "not letting your be yourself" is a whole other ball of wax. Just be honest about what it is. You want to flirt, you don't want to stop - and you don't care about your partner's feelings about it or how it effects the relationship, so the person you would be with would need to be okay with that. I could respect the honesty in that kind of statement.

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posted May 12, 2007 05:31 PM         

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"Emotional infidelity occurs when we think intimately about and crave emotional intimacy from someone other than our spouse."

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personally i feel its a bit rigid, the rule of consistently remaining faithful to ones spouse. I mean, isn't human life supposed to be about longing for something (or someone) more? Thats where motivation comes from, which turns into passion, then turns into ambition. i'm just not okay with not being able to feel stimulation, to not have desire would be dreadful.

I feel its healthy to recognize and evaluate our desires so that we can get to know ourselves a lot better than before. It just seems like it would be happier that way.

(i have thumbs down icon because i personally don't approve of the traditional methods of matrimony)

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Virgo Rising 8'57, Sagittarius Sun/4thH 3'26, Pisces Moon/6thH 8'22

"Our passions are not too strong, they are too weak. We are far too easily pleased." - C.S. Lewis

posted May 12, 2007 05:43 PM         

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personally i feel its a bit rigid, the rule of consistently remaining faithful to ones spouse.

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Then don't get married. Ok, I joke. But just make sure you find someone who shares this view otherwise you'll get into trouble.

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I mean, isn't human life supposed to be about longing for something (or someone) more?

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No, that's "The Grass is greener on the Other side" Mentality. You'll never be satisfied and you'll always feel empty if you keep thinking this way.

posted May 12, 2007 09:18 PM         

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Amen sister, I agree! Atleast be honest about why you obsess over flirting with others 24/7 instead of blaming it on the partner as usual.

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posted May 12, 2007 10:31 PM         

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No, that's "The Grass is greener on the Other side" Mentality. You'll never be satisfied and you'll always feel empty if you keep thinking this way

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posted May 13, 2007 12:02 AM         

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if you take into context everything i said, i meant it in a motivational way. But everyones subject to interpret it and form their own opinion, most likely.

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I did take it in to context and that is still something of the "Grass is greener on the Other side school of thought. All that stuff about motivation and ambition is for the workplace, not the love/married life.

My belief is like Neon Artemis': If you want to marry you should truly be content with and enjoy the person you want to marry. If your still getting that 'grass is greener on the other side' feeling then you certainly are not ready to be married.

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I think the person who needs to get the attention of every person in the room is the one with insecurities. Most of those obsessed with flirting with others while in a relationship are looking for a constant ego stroke.

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Totally! And that's why I think its so bone-headed when they blame the partner for being smothering when the partner is reasonably angry with them over it.

posted May 13, 2007 08:43 AM         

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I did take it in to context and that is still something of the "Grass is greener on the Other side school of thought. All that stuff about motivation and ambition is for the workplace, not the love/married life.

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Well than maybe i shouldn'tve said it at all, and maybe i should keep my ignorant opinions to myself than, since i do consistently represent lack of experience. As you've all told me at some point or another.

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Virgo Rising 8'57, Sagittarius Sun/4thH 3'26, Pisces Moon/6thH 8'22

"Our passions are not too strong, they are too weak. We are far too easily pleased." - C.S. Lewis

posted May 13, 2007 10:43 PM         

If you're committed to someone, then you do have an obligation (not always a bad word... remember that we choose our obligations which makes them privileges!) to respect that commitment, whatever that means to the two of you.

In a good relationship, you'll find greener grasses together, or at the very least, be supportive of each other's searches. The flip side of that is being mindful of what it is for which you're searching.

In regard to flirting, it doesn't always have to be disrespectful. It's all about intention, and both partners need to be on the same page with that. I agree that people can abuse this activity, then blame the other partner for their own bad behavior. Yuck!

My fiance and I can both be flirtatious, but it's within our own circle of friends. Meeting a stranger at the bar and engaging in inappropriate behavior would definitely be out of the question for us.

Luckily, relationships aren't one-size-fits-all, so whatever it is that constitutes a relationship for you will likely harmonize with the ideals of someone else, somewhere.

posted May 14, 2007 12:27 AM         

My husband is a talker. He never meets a stranger. He talks to women all the time and jokes around but he is not flirting. He does the same with other men. I imagine some of the women that he talks to thinks he is flirting with them. That has happened with me too just talking to some men or joking around with them. Some take that as flirting and there is really nothing we can do about that. People perceive things as they want to. If a woman starts flirting with my husband he avoids talking to that woman from that point on. I do the same with men. I only have male friends who respect my husband and my marriage.

I agree with DL and Fayte. No other person, either female friend or male friend should replace your partner when it comes to communicating things and confiding things with them. If they do then there is something wrong in the relationship that needs addressing and that is the only relationship a person should be working on in that case.

I think it's totally possible to love more than one person at a time. But not in the same way. There are different types of love. I don't love my children in the same way as I love my husband. The love of friends is different than love of children or one's partner. So if you start loving a friend of the opposite sex in the same way that you love your partner, thinking of him in the same terms, then something is wrong with the relationship.

Jealousy is a normal human emotion. It is not a sign of insecurity unless it becomes obsessive or possessive or both. Flirting with everyone of the opposite sex when you are in a love relationship or marriage is more a sign of insecurity than jealousy. It means that you need constant reassurance that you are attractive or sexy or whatever you feel you lack. A secure woman does not feel the need to look outside her marriage or relationship for that type of reassurance. A secure man doesn't either.

Yet even in a marriage people shouldn't be demanding of the partners attention all the time. No one can fulfill all our needs and it places too heavy a burden on others to expect that. We have to be our own people too. So I don't get bent out of shape or feel neglected just because my husband is not in the mood to talk, or wants to watch a game on T.V. or whatever his reasons may be that take his attention away from me at times. He needs his space and alone time too. He also allows me mine. Now, if he ignored me all the time it would be a different matter.

Truth is that in long term relationships both partners take the other for granted at times. You know, there should come a point in a love relationship when the two of you can be in a room together, neither of you are talking to the other but you just know what the other person is thinking. That's when you know you have come real close to being one. Individuals still, but one in souls. It takes a long time and lots of ups and downs to get to that point.

My husband began as my friend. He has always been my best friend and always will be. It would be totally disrespectful of this man to flirt with other men. It would be disrespectful of me if he did it.

posted May 14, 2007 09:36 AM         

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In regard to flirting, it doesn't always have to be disrespectful. It's all about intention, and both partners need to be on the same page with that. I agree that people can abuse this activity, then blame the other partner for their own bad behavior. Yuck!

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That's what I have been talking about the whole time. See I went with a more Liberal defination of flirtation because there are different degrees of tolerence when it comes to the subject.

posted May 14, 2007 09:52 AM         

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Well than maybe i shouldn'tve said it at all, and maybe i should keep my ignorant opinions to myself than, since i do consistently represent lack of experience. As you've all told me at some point or another.

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posted May 14, 2007 10:03 AM         

I think there is a big difference between cracking jokes and laughing and having a good time and actual flirting, which to me means you are sexually attracted to someone and letting them know all about it and sending your sexual energy to the other person. When I'm single, I'm a hardcore flirt who makes the first move, when in a relationship I'm not. I'm also not the kind of woman who gets paranoid when a man is talking to a girl, or is even bothered if he compliments her with no sexual charge, (unless he never does that with me and is treating a stranger better) but if that flirt dynamic comes up, (and it often can and is sometimes initiated by competitive women outside the relationship who want to prove they can get the attention of your guy to you) I think it's disrespectful, and a lot of guys buy into it and think it means they are great and that the other woman wants him, when the other woman is using him to stroke her own ego. There are a lot of undercurrents in the situation that I can feel, it has been rarely innocent - unless by innocent you mean subconscious where they don't understand their motivations for doing it and just act it out. You can feel the vibes and tell what is going on.

posted May 14, 2007 10:12 AM         

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I think there is a big difference between cracking jokes and laughing and having a good time and actual flirting, which to me means you are sexually attracted to someone and letting them know all about it and sending your sexual energy to the other person.

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But I guess maybe its up to the individual interpretation.

posted May 14, 2007 10:19 AM         

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If a partner is respectful then you don't have to doubt his/her intentions when they socialize with others...Xodian

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Exactly!! And that is what I was talking about. When a partner is respectful you know that partner is committed to the relationship and you so there is no need for jealousy when they are socializing with others of the opposite sex.

posted May 14, 2007 12:44 PM         

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I don't think we're on the same page, because I'm not talking about jealousy when my mate is socializing with someone else , I'm talking about disrespect if he's flirting and sending sexual energy to someone else.

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posted May 14, 2007 12:58 PM         

I don't think this thread was directed at single people as much it was directed at married people or people living together in a love relationship. I don't think it pertains to people who are still single and playing the field. You can't be emotionally or physically unfaithful to someone you don't have that kind of relationship with - to someone you have not committed yourself to.

The same things just don't apply.

In my mind , when it comes to marriage or a serious love relationship "open relationships" = no commitment any way it is decorated up and presented to be.

There is a generation gap here when it comes to viewpoints, in fact with some of you, generations would be more like it. So I will keep quiet about it. Plus I am a Taurus and loyalty goes with that sign. I also have venus in taurus.

posted May 14, 2007 01:04 PM         

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In my mind though, "open relationships" = no commitment any way it is decorated up and presented to be.

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Oh but when you think about it, isn't this how most relationships start off as?

In the begining, any relationship.......shakey since the person are trying to nail down as to if this is what we want for the long term or not. In the end however, the openess allows a person to expand on his/her own feelings and gradually make the transition into a more stable relationship (personal opinion Lol!)

posted May 14, 2007 04:49 PM         

It is because of several reasons including the fact that women finally have taken a near equal place in the workforce and thus want more out of relationships than security. And well... I don't blame em for it. Who wouldn't want more if you have had a chance to achieve more?

Infidelity occurs because one of the partners either just didn't have any intentions to commit from the start or... as stargazer's article tried to point out (yet put its own spin on the situation ) feels there is something missing in their relationship that he/she yearns for but just cannot get.

For the sake of not breaking their partner's heart, the person in question usually stays in the relationship all the while feeling more and more depressed day by day since their needs aren't being fullfilled.