posted May 05, 2007 09:17 PM         

"Emotional infidelity occurs when we think intimately about and crave emotional intimacy from someone other than our spouse."

Even before it had a title, I suppose I had always felt open to this sort of thing.

Seems innocent enough. I craved a "buddy" of sorts with whom I could share my thoughts, feelings, mundane activities... shopping, lunch.

It's not that my fiance and I have a bad relationship. It's not perfect, but it really is fantastic in more ways than not. My sweetheart (a Virgo as some of you know) isn't the type of guy to sweep a girl off her feet in the romance department. But he is the kind of guy who tends to our children as well as any mother can, pays the bills on time, rarely misses a day of work, splits the household chores, calls me several times throughout the day because we work mostly opposite shifts, and tries-- really tries to be everything I wish he was.

He's not always what I think I want, but at the end of the day I'm glad he's lying next to me before I go to sleep.

As unfair as it may seem, a lot of people, especially women, want more than this. I'd never thought of it as "cheating." I also don't have such a person in my life, but as I said, I had always been (subconsciously) open to it.

A google search on "emotional infidelity" turns up a lot of information. It seems the effects of such relationships are just as harmful as an actual sexual affair.

In any case, this realization has been eye opening to me. I don't know in what way this changes things, but it certainly sheds some illumination on a not-so-harmless idea.

As for me, if I had ever engaged in this sort of relationship, I knew that my intention would not be to detract from my primary relationship. Nor did I seek it as a means of escape or retaliation.

It's simply a matter of knowing that these things do not come easily for my guy. When he feels that he is failing me, it's hurtful to him. I don't feel like he is lacking in the emotional department. I just didn't want to burden him with these needs.

I recognize that they are needs. And now I recognize that meeting these needs outside our relationship can only be damaging. It would truly be playing with fire.

I'm posting this for anyone who might feel similarly. You might find this information useful, even if only to clarify whether or not your relationship with your partner is worth the risk.

It's good to know that if you feel this way, you are definitely not alone. And even more importantly, acting on these feelings could cause a lot of damage to your relationship.

posted May 05, 2007 10:42 PM         

I have heard of emotional infidelity before and it has been talked about more in the field of psychology since the internet.

I am undecided about it. I see the major points of it. I know marriages have broken up over it. However, I have always had male friends all my life. I grew up playing with boys and girls. I had male friends all through school who were only friends, not someone I dated. I tend to approach men and women in the same way, not according to gender but on a human level.

Male friendship for married women is okay I think as long as it does not lead to anything of a sexual or flirty nature. I enjoy conversations I have had with males. It is not okay and I think can be considered emotional infidelity if it is based on a flirtation type of relationship.

Some psychologists feel that any kind of male relationship, the sharing of thoughts and feelings with someone other than your husband or wife is emotional infidelity which can even be worse than physical infidelity. Mainly because the spouse is sharing her/his innermost self with another person. I have to question that notion.

I question it on a spiritual level. Aren't we cutting ourselves off from a large part of humanity in someway if we eliminate people from our lives based on gender? Isn't that the same as eliminating people due to race or religion or anything else? I dunno, just questioning it.

I know that there have been times, depending on the man, that my husband becomes jealous of the relationship and uncomfortable about it and when he does I end the friendship out of respect and concern for my husband's feelings. Not because he demands it. He has never done that. But by choice and with regards for his feelings. When that happened, which has only been once, he told me that it was not me he didn't trust. It was the guy. He sensed there were feelings there on the guys part that should not have been in a friendship so it made him uncomfortable any time I talked to this man.

posted May 06, 2007 01:23 PM         

And thus I go back to my model of pen relationships." Posted this a while back Lol!

quote:

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Innocent Flirtation.

Ah yes... Thus I try to tackle yet another corner of the oh so neferious world of human courtship. *Sigh* I swear if people had enough sense in them, Dr. Phil would have been just your average joe head doc. with a basement for an office.

Jealousy is such a wasted emotion people.. really it is. You achieve nothing from it and it gains you nothing but pain and misery. Realtionships are hard; there is no doubt about that. Don't make it harder on yourselves by subduing your partner with unwanted chains of restriction. Talk about insecurity! Guys getting jealous because their girls just happen to have an amusing convo with another dude and girls steaming up with fury just because they so happen to see their guy smiling oh so sensually at a female friend. Its just innocent flirtation people!

We humans are affectionate and we tend to show it involuntarily to anyone we adore. Its jut natural. Doesn't necessarily mean we are gonna sleep with everyone we give a friendly wink to (and God help the person who actually does do that.) see, I believe in the open relationship model. Goes something like this:

Backbone: We both love each other.

Goal: Try to be ourselves and not get smothered by our partners yet at the same time be with the person we love.

Two important pointers:

a) Since we have established that we both love each other, its obvious that any affection generated towards others doesn't mean much. Thus, we are both allowed to talk, jest and even INNOCENTLY flirt with anyone we want.

b) If one partner doesn't wanna be in a relationship, he/she can leave anytime; No questions asked, No grudges, No anger (barring offcourse any financial or physical damage that may have resulted during the relationship Lol! I joke! I joke!)

Trust me people... this makes it a lot more easier on you and your partner. You can be yourselves yet at the same time you have a definate chance of proving to yourselves once and for all that your love is real. You're both mature enough to know that unwanted restrictions are for insecure losers.

HOWEVER... DON'T abuse the freedom and test your partner's patience. This model only works under the assumption that both you and your partner are mature minded people. If you really are in love and if you really are mature, you will know the meaning of the word "responsibility."

If not... well girls, you can always put this sign around your guy's neck:

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However, emotional infideality is whole new ball game. Usually a person feels this way becuase they lack that spark they yern for in a relationship and from what I can tell from your past... that is exactly the delimma. The only way to make this easier on your beau is to clearly state as to why you feel the way you do. To be honest... It WILL put a hard dent in his confidence; There is nothing that hurts a guy more that the feeling that he cannot give what his lover wants.

posted May 06, 2007 05:33 PM         

It depends upon the agreed upon dimensions. Is this just a physical relationship, and do the involved parties agree to be physically with only each other? And to what degree? Are you allowed to leave the house?
Is it physical AND emotional? Can you only share physical and emotional things with each other? So, you can’t love your sister… and kissing your nephew is off limits? Well, what if it’s a physical, emotional, and mental relationship? Are you not allowed to listen to anyone else’s thoughts? Not allowed to read a book?
And is it a spiritual relationship too? So, can you only learn from each other? For a lifetime?
Or does “faithful” only mean sexual? So this would mean no other physical sexual relationships, no other emotional sexual relationships, no other mental sexual relationships… basically you aren’t allowed to send your sexual energy out to anyone else. But what about people and situations that purposely evoke sexual energy? Business has taught us to dress to evoke sexual energy, many movies purposely evoke sexual energy, just as they evoke emotional energy. If your mate responds, is there a reason to feel jealous? It all becomes hazards of our world and culture. There are no easy answers.

This purity would be nice. But how many in this world strive for purity or even understand it meaning? And when physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual dimensions are all present in your relationship and you have moments of clarity and purity together… how long can you make them last?
So, with imperfect mortals it has to be based on a deep, lengthy, detailed, conversation of agreement and a vow between the two (or 7 if you’re an old-school Utah Mormon) which many people don’t have the maturity to enter into, the morals to follow though with, or the loyalty to sustain. Until you have such a conversation or make such a vow, there is no betrayal, there is only jealously. There are a lot of people in serious physical and emotional relationships that don’t even know each other enough to have the above conversation with complete honesty.
This is why we have Dr. Phil AND Jerry Springer.

posted May 06, 2007 05:36 PM         

Jealousy is a result of our own ego issues and insecurities. True. But since I wager few of us have completely "died" to our egos and few of us lack any insecurites, then we all have at least moments of jealousy.

I think when it comes to our mates we are all a bit territorial. My husband is not by nature a jealous person. He never has been. So when he exhibits any signs of discomfort in that area I take heed of it. His feelings are valid to me even if on my part I know there is no reason for him to be jealous. I am not going to invalidate his feelings and ignore them just so I can pursue my wants. I consider what is more important here, him or the male friend.

You made a good point DL when you said primarily over confiding in your partner. That should never be the case. That would definitely be emotional infidelity I think.

This kind of reminds me of taking that verse in Scripture literally and saying that if you are married and even attracted to someone else of the opposite sex that you have already committed adultry in your heart. That's ludicrous. We are not responsible for our thoughts. Stupid things pop into our minds all the time. My brain and my heart are two different things. If I acted on an attraction that would be adultry. If another guy might appeal to my eyes and I think "Wow!" that means nothing. Except that I am alive and marriage hasn't made me blind. Or that I get a happy finger, Star. Hee Hee

posted May 06, 2007 07:55 PM         

quote:

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Jealousy is a result of our own ego issues and insecurities. True. But since I wager few of us have completely "died" to our egos and few of us lack any insecurites, then we all have at least moments of jealousy.

I think when it comes to our mates we are all a bit territorial. My husband is not by nature a jealous person. He never has been. So when he exhibits any signs of discomfort in that area I take heed of it. His feelings are valid to me even if on my part I know there is no reason for him to be jealous. I am not going to invalidate his feelings and ignore them just so I can pursue my wants. I consider what is more important here, him or the male friend.

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Oh I am perfectly aware that we all have moments of... Uncertainty Lol! But really, I know better than to blow-off a date just because she gave a friendly smile to another person. I truly believe enough in that open relationship model to abide by it.

posted May 06, 2007 09:15 PM         

If he's known her longer, it wouldn't bother me. Finding someone you can trust your deepest emotions to is hard, I know. I wouldn't want to take that away, but I would certainly plan to replace her

posted May 07, 2007 10:43 AM         

I'm a Virgo/Aries Moon...I would quickly sense this happening...

On the flip side, as much as i hate to admit, I let myself get involved with an "emotional" tryst.

I never thought i'd be the type of person who could love more than one person at a time.
My husband, a Cancer, was my business partner, my lover, the father of my children and so on. We had been together for a long time. I've known him for 20 years..I needed him ,loved him but felt very unappreciated across the board...
Nothing was EVER good enough and he could be very cruel...
In fact, way before we ever actually split, my son said to me (then 4), "Daddy sure is mean to you. He must not like you very much"
Bout broke my heart... But very true.
Not that it is an excuse, but very soon I leaned on another Man for emotional support.
And although that was all there was in the beginning, It soon led to other feelings and with those come a "want" for the physical side as well.
I never slept with this man but i came dang close...
I would have to say that it IS very damaging to a relationship. It IS cheating.
Way worse than physical cheating alone.

posted May 08, 2007 10:09 PM         

I think jealousy is a very interesting emotion. I like some jealousy to a degree. We are animals at our most basic level, and I think jealousy is an important part of our inner wisdom.

I won't go into why/when jealousy is a bad thing. It goes without saying. But there is a good side to jealousy. Feeling it, but knowing that it isn't rational and therefore choosing not to act on it can produce some very positive and sparky results!!

One of my most erotic moments happened when I was 19. My boyfriend at the time and I were at a party and as I was going into the kitchen to join him I spied him popping a Dorito into some girl's mouth. I don't know what it was about it. He was definitely the monogamous type, so I had no worries there. But just to see him interact in this intimate yet innocent way made me want to tackle him on the spot!

I hear all the time that true love rises above any kind of possessiveness or territorial instincts. If that's the case, I'm happy to settle for less! I love the spark, the twinge, the feral urge to defend what's "mine," and the juxtaposition of this feeling with the decision to be rational.

But there's a difference between engaging in harmless flirtations and involving oneself in emotional infidelity.

Flirting is fun and totally healthy. I love the way the energy transfers to my relationship with my honey.

You know what? Just the thought of all this is making me feel a little giddy! Who wants to go out dancing???!

Heehee... a personal tidbit here: I don't fantasize about becoming sexually involved with other people. But I DO get excited at the thought of smooching interesting strangers. Not making out, nothing more than a random, carefree kiss. But this is something I think about. It's not about the physicality of it, or the connection, or anything other than the light step over the appropriate boundaries.

Maybe it's just the Sag in me??!

posted May 08, 2007 10:51 PM         

My ex#1 Capricorn, and ex#2 Virgo were utterly boring and neither could be trusted.
I walked away from them both.

posted May 09, 2007 09:31 AM         

quote:

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I think jealousy is a very interesting emotion. I like some jealousy to a degree. We are animals at our most basic level, and I think jealousy is an important part of our inner wisdom.

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LOL! Sorry Future, but that statement really gave me the laugh of my day (and no not in an insulting way .) The only wisdom a person can learn from Jealousy is how to identify his/her own insecurities and work on getting rid of em. But I really like your prespective on having personal freedom and balancing it out with a relationship. It is imperitive that each partner in a relationship doesn't give out on his/her own hopes and dreams just to satisfy the other person. It leads to future disdain in a relationship. Compromise is the way to go but too much self-sarifice is just plain ludicrious IMO. You end up not being the person you wanted yourself to be.

quote:

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It makes me wonder why they bothered to be married. And same goes for the opposite gender situation when sex is not part of the package.
Latent Lesbianism?
Staying with their male mates why?
Same for guys with guy buddies.
If one is not enjoying their mate's company and spends more quality time with another of either gender;
then maybe one should take a look at why they stay married or got married; (or are in a relationship).
If you cannot talk and share with your mate the emotional things,(you tell your buddy or girlfriend) how can it be a real love?
Break up and marry your buddy!

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The funny thing is, this is exactly the reason that Bi-sexuality and Lesbianism is on the rise amoung women Lol! Who better to know how a woman feels than a woman. However in most cases (especially with bi-sexuality) its usually an escape... a "fling" if you may wanna call it.

Sorry guys but Beer and a movie just doesn't seem to cut in anymore Lol! Comeon... get more creative with your dates.

And as much as girls say they want a guy who is well tuned with his emotions.... *Eaaaccchh!* Wrong gals, and you know its true . What you want is a balanced guy; The mysterious badboy in the mild mannered citizen type Lol! Don't deny it.

posted May 09, 2007 12:42 PM         

I never knew there was a name for it but three months into my relationship with my boyfriend I experienced 'emotional infedality' by having attractions to his good friend. It passed fairly quickly and in reality I don't like his friend very much. It never occurred to me that I was actually betraying my love until a few months later, so I told him.

The attraction wasn't based on any lack on my love's part--more I was feeling out of control and trapped and I liked toying with the idea of being free again. The claustrophobic feelings I was having toward my love were not his fault either. He gives me tons of freedom (a Gemini), but I didn't like the feeling of being in love. It scared me to want someone so desperately.

I experienced extreme jealousy about my boyfriend's Ex. I was working through it but I couldn't really get over it until my boyfriend lied to me about a few things and I went into survival mode. With all the adrenaline going I decided to let go of the nonsense in my life and the jealousy was part of it. I also realized how childish and unfounded it was.

future_uncertain, I side with you on the erotism that can come from feelings of territorialness and possesiveness. I was thinking along the same lines yesterday when a pang of jealousy hit. I was surprised at how froggy it made me feel, and I decided to let that be a positive force that I can let take over when jealousy shows it's fangs.

I had a dream two nights ago that my love and I gave birth to a green, evil baby. When I was in the shower the next morning it occurred to me that the green evil baby represented jealousy.

My boyfriend told me from the outset that he was not a jealous person. He is a Gemini with Mars in Gemini and a moon in Sagittarius, so I didn't doubt the truth of that. I have a ton of guy friends. One of them in particular has been a best friend for seven years. I hang out with my guy friends from time to time and I mildy flirt with the close ones. I also am good friends with all of my boyfriend's buddies--they are how we got introduced.

Imagine my surprise when he finally came forward, very honostly, that he for the first time has been experiencing feelings of jealousy. He does not like the feeling and asked only that I reassure him from time to time that he is number one in my book. Which of course he is. I was somewhat touched by his painful honosty with me about the subject. I also realized that I should be more sensitive about how I treat our male friends and how I talk about them to him. He understands that I should have the freedom to continue my friendships.

Every relationship has its problems. But one of Linda Goodman's great messages was that love is capable of overcoming all odds. I believe that. And along with love comes honosty. There cannot be pure love when there is no honosty, or trust for that matter.

I believe Christ's last commandment was to "Love Eachother".

posted May 09, 2007 01:01 PM         

quote:

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If one is not enjoying their mate's company and spends more quality time with another of either gender;
then maybe one should take a look at why they stay married or got married; (or are in a relationship).
If you cannot talk and share with your mate the emotional things,(you tell your buddy or girlfriend) how can it be a real love?
Break up and marry your buddy!

---

posted May 11, 2007 06:44 PM         

I still stand by infatuation with jealousy.

And maybe jealousy is the wrong word, depending on what connotations are attached to it. Searing jealousy, the kind that destroys, is something I completely avoid.

The kind I mean is more of an awareness, an occasional reawakening to the fact that this person's presence in my life is special and not to be taken for granted.

posted May 11, 2007 06:50 PM         

So many more things I can say about all this...

Love, jealousy, chemistry, fidelity, all a mysterious puzzle.

However, I think I have discovered the source of my previous openness to infidelity of the emotional kind. This is helpful to know and to see how it all fits together and has some structure.

posted May 11, 2007 08:42 PM         

As I said before, it wasn't ment as an insult . Its just that I can derive no connection between jealousy and wisdom other than the fact that you learn the hard way as to what your possible insecurities or as you said, possible fears (including the "I think I didn't do enough for my partner" feeling) are.

You already are feeling the weight of the "conventional" defination of love (i.e. show no affection to anyone else other than your partner.) IMO, its ludicrious. I made it very clear in my relationships that the only expectation I had from a person was them to be their own responsible self and that IMO is the biggest token of love you can give them.

Not to be to overly poetic Lol, but I liked the analogy Linda used of comparing a person to a bird. A bird only looks its most beautiful when its allowed to fly and roam free, letting it choose from its own heart as to where it wants to stay. Caging a bird just deprives it from its God given gift of flight and as such in time a part of itself; Its identity dies.

The only reason why I ended my relationships is the fact that right now I have a career to think about and security. Its not fair that my lover keeps waiting for me to give her my full attention while I continue on with my studies.

posted May 12, 2007 10:27 AM         

When I say "inner wisdom" I mean that it's one of the internal cues that can let us know what is going on below the surface.

You are right, then, when you say that one possibility is that you can learn what some of your insecurities are. The tone I gathered from your explanation was maybe a bit judgmental (not toward me... I don't think it's personal) or perhaps delivered with some disdain, but I don't think the manifestation of and the recognition of jealousy is always a bad thing. For many it's a natural part of the human experience. It would be ideal if everyone was on the same page with personal freedom, including freedom from insecurity, but we all are at different places in our (super)human development.

On that note, I think some of us are geared more toward a sort of fusion with our loved ones, and some of us prefer more space. I think either option allows for total freedom of personal expression. I don't feel that I am underevolved for feeling that I want to understand my partner as completely as possible and vice versa.

Some people like that and some people don't. The solution is to find someone like-minded to share one's life with if pairing up should be one's desire.

This reminds me of a conversation I had recently with my guy about compromise. To me, ideal compromise doesn't consist of recognizing two points and finding an equal place in the middle to meet. I feel that satisfactory compromise comes from understanding those two places and opening oneself to possibility of including that other place in one's own life.

This is how we try to approach our differences and it has really opened up new doors for both of us. We then achieve a new level of closeness and no one has lost a thing, we have only gained.

I like your perspective, Xodian, and I don't take anything you say as an insult.

posted May 12, 2007 01:18 PM         

quote:

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The tone I gathered from your explanation was maybe a bit judgmental (not toward me... I don't think it's personal) or perhaps delivered with some disdain, but I don't think the manifestation of and the recognition of jealousy is always a bad thing. For many it's a natural part of the human experience. It would be ideal if everyone was on the same page with personal freedom, including freedom from insecurity, but we all are at different places in our (super)human development.

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Very preceptive of you (and they say scorpios are the only ones who tend to look beyond the layers .)

In my humble experience, I have only come to recognize Jealousy as a barrier in a relationship. Possesiveness leads to restrictions and restrictions overimposes the feeling of distrust between couples. A couple needs to understand that there are two different individuals comming togather in a relationship and no matter how hard they try, they will never fit togather percetly. Nay... They SHOULDN'T fit togather perfectly for it leads to predictability and thus a loss of interest in a relationship (sadly.)

But as you said, there has to be some compromise or else the relationship just doesn't goes anywhere. Emotional infidelity IMO is a direct result of predictability. What I am thinking is you want a more dynamic feeling in your life; Something more... indulging (dare I say it Lol!)

posted May 12, 2007 04:14 PM         

I love who I am and how I look, I am not jealous of other women - it's usually the other way around.

If I'm at a party, and everyone knows I am with my boyfriend - yet a woman proceeds to flirt with him anyway, THAT is disrespectful of me. (I have been the "other woman" myself when I was younger, and learned much from that experience. It's a total disrespect of everyone involved, flirting is just a "lighter" degree of the same energy.) That is total non-consideration of me as a human being and disreguard of my relationship. Same with my partner if he flirted with another person in front of me, it's disrespectful. I would not be jealous that he gave another woman that kind of attention (jealous is implying she has something I don't and I want it from her, which is just not true.) - I would be angry that he would disrespect me like that and hold me in such low regard and I would seriously reconsider being involved with him.