posted June 13, 2007 08:28 AM         

quote:

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Everyone hate me,
if that's what it takes to talk and (most importantly) listen to one another again.

Put it all on me.
I'll take the fall.

I've always been a loner in a lot of respects.

I'll be thought weak.
I'll be thought subjective. (as if that's possible or not possible)
I'll probably be judged in so many ways.

If that's what you'd believe of me,
then you never knew me.

I have nothing to profit here and much to lose.

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posted June 13, 2007 08:57 AM         

quote:

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by all means, join in!
these are great.
i want to be a village idiot when i grow up.

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posted June 13, 2007 09:07 AM         

quote:

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If anyone thinks this is not a big deal, you are wrong. I became a monster. The internet is dangerous. In real life, someone could have just punched me in the face, or i would have seen peoples reactions and been mortified with myself, but i'm a f*cking idiot and clearly not even aware of people except as ideas and guineau pigs to use in my f*cked up experiments. but there are highly sensitive people here, and it is not unthinkable that i could have pushed one of them over the edge and been responsible for somebody's suicide, then you would not be so quick to forgive me. be afraid, be very afraid, i am not stable, i am not well, i am trying very hard to stay stephen. i cant even walk away from these boards, im addicted, maybe randall should boot me?????? i am scared of myself. i think about cutting out my tongue and lopping off my fingers so i cant speak or type hurtful things when i get crazy. yeah yeah yeah save the drama for your mama.. its all drama until somebody drives into a tree...

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quote:

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Thanks.
I just feel bad.
I appreciate the forgivness.
I cant let myself off the hook so easily.
I want to be sure I've learned from this.

love
s

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posted June 13, 2007 10:25 AM         

quote:

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Somewhere in time, though, there was some care and compassion for one another.
Attempts at understanding.
It's sad to imagine that that time might be lost forever.

---

Lia, if we didn't care, we wouldn't have written the long replies that we did write. I personally had a lot of work to do on sunday, which I put on hold just to try and clarify my point of view. To facilitate understanding.

But what ensued was not a dialog, but a discourse. A teacher grading a student. That's the feeling I get every time I post to HSC. Even my Phd Advisor gives me more credence and listens to me with more respect than I am offered here.

I am not trying to skin anyone, or malign anyone. I still hope he will one day realize why I object. But after being labeled as negative (for exploding in a much, much more controlled way than HSC....and voicing my frustration), being called a lunatic recently, and accused of ganging up, I have very little hope of that happening.

It is sad to imagine, however I personally am done mourning. I cannot waste so much of my time and energy. My patience is giving out. I am quite sick of this whole thing.

posted June 13, 2007 10:47 AM         

There will always be others who will come in when things are dying down on threads where there have been disagreements and attempt to stir up the pot again. They have their own agendas.

Knowing that is always the case was my reason for asking Randall to please watch this thread. He has not replied to that request in any way. Even though over two months ago on his thread asking for mods at FFA Randall said he had selected myself and Zala he has not followed through on that nor has he given any reason why he has not done so on the mod thread or in private to either or us. Has anyone taken Randall's pulse lately to see if he is still alive?

For that reason there is nothing we can do when threads get out of line here at FFA. We cannot give a warning or do anything else except bring it to his attention since he is the only acting mod here at FFA.

posted June 13, 2007 11:24 AM         

Zala,

I never thanked you properly for these amazing emails you sent me.

quote:

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"Wry smile?"???
I'll do more than that
And I'm not laughing at all!!
Stephen, you ARE a genius -- but you didn't realize it before now
I'm glad you have arrived!!
I have been telling you for almost 2 years now: "WRITE!!!!!!"
I'm pleased that I may live long enough to see your book
Note: Einstein did not have a "classical education" either, did he??
I certainly don't think you're "having an episode", and YES -- you need to believe in yourself!!
Zala has been yelling "Steve, you have a gift!!" for a long time now, and she wants to see it shared with the rest of the planet!!
Love & Hugs,
Z

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quote:

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I am not fit to judge the caliber your writing, luv -- I am not familiar with Emerson, Tolstoi or Montaigne
All I know is that your writing resonates and gives me pleasure at the way words are put together and feelings evoked.....
I know that your harshest judge has been Steve Coltin along with those "near-impossible standards".....
But perhaps as my friend Steve ages, and faces his Saturn Return, many things will fall into place, and Steve may find that Steve's work is finally good enough for Steve (in which case it shall be perceived as outstanding by the rest of us mere mortals .....
L&H,
Z

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THANK YOU!!!

[sorry, all those beautiful smiley emoticons didnt show up.]

posted June 13, 2007 11:53 AM         

Sorry that happened, Zala.

ILWL and Fayte

I agree with you gals on this one. If Lisa had something to add here she should have not remained silent until the thread was dying down to speak. She is no different than virgotaurustaurus who she questioned in her post. Both have come in now and rekindled the fire. Both seem to have their own agendas. Both, maybe three of you?, have taken the wrong direction in attempting to be friends to HSC and have only pumped him up and fed his narcisstic personality disorder. All of you will be betrayed and hurt for your attempts at being his friend. As you have been now on this thread, Zala. You are not helping him at all because there is no help for those with NPD. It's lethal to even go near these types of people. You would think that Lisa would have learned that by now.

posted June 13, 2007 12:13 PM         

Mirandee, may be Lia is more optimistic than us. But my respect for you as a fair and impartial person has increased 10 fold. You will make a great mod. I have complete faith in you and Zala.

Lia, did you see the result of your long and heartfelt post? Are you convinced now? Sometimes it is not enough to see others getting burnt. You have to put your hand in the fire to feel how hot it is. But I do hope for your own sake that along with the potential in a person, you start seeing the harsh present too.

I am ever ready for a dialog. But not for having my energy sucked by emotional vampires. Or for being called mean spirited for my heartfelt attempts. (ouch! that still hurts.)

I wud have pm'd this but this website doesn't allow it. i don't want to add a single more post to this thread if i can help it. Every 10 minutes i take to read/write a post here, I think about for another half an hour more. I am at work right now. I cannot handle this name calling and emotional manipulations and having my words twisted to mean something I never intended. I hope Lia, that you have not been blind to it. I hope you can see what's been going on.

posted June 13, 2007 12:40 PM         

Steve, i've called you a great writer too, right here, in this website.
it's nice to believe in your friends... until, I suppose, they betray that trust that calling someone a 'friend' entails, with personal agendas?

she never once condoned behaviour that is disrespectful or rude when pumping you up and making you believe in yourself. what a wonderful woman you've now isolated.

I think belief has turned into something grandiose and bloated and gross I might add..
I am pretty sure that belief in your writing is suspended on anything more than an objective level.
of course I am not speaking for her... but i am pretty sure anyone would feel the same.

What a betrayal! and it didn't serve any purpose but to isolate you further from understanding.

If you asked me if you were a good writer, i would've said yes you are. it doesn't need a personal publication.. but that does not give you an elevated status in the realm of this social project....that does not mean your words are right. just that you compose well and have good ideas.. its a start, not an absolute.
lots of people here are visionaries and writers.
much like all children deserve love.....
all people deserve respect..

posted June 13, 2007 01:01 PM         

Oh, and emails are still being exposed to the public? I guess some things never change and some people never learn their lesson.

Honestly, I think people have been courteous and listened to him and tried VERY hard to understand his point of view long enough, he just has never returned the favor...ever. Because he always so quick to point out where everyone else is wrong and patronize and condescend; but when one has an argument that not only counters but actually de-bunks his (as seen in this thread), he completely ignores it and carries on "spouting his great wisdom"...and all for the sake of being right (IMO). To deny that he is a very intelligent person would be false, but what a waste of intelligence when it is used to belittle others and assert your supposed superiority.

This is why I was really annoyed with people like VirgoTaurusTaurus and her usual condescending attitude where she passes down incorrect judgement of all us as it was clear that she did not even read the entire thread. Hell, I was even annoyed when MysticMelody (as usual) came and tried rationalizing his behavior by explaining "Oh, he's a Cappy Ascendant and yadayadayada, and I'm a Cappy Asc so I understand why he expresses himself the way he does!". Well guess what? I'm a Cap Ascendant too but I know better! But on top of that , MysticMelody tells ILWL (of ALL people) that she needs to be a little more nicer and understanding to Steve, even though he never showed the same courtesy. I mean does it not occur to her that if her dear 'old buddy keeps getting into these holes over and over again with his friends that maybe the problem is him? I mean, wouldn't it have been nicer if VTT and MM directed all those things they had to say to us, to Steve as well? It just amazes me how BLIND some people are and how far they will go to ENABLE people.

But that's it, I guess I'm done with this thread too. Rant over.

posted June 13, 2007 01:32 PM         

Start over with a clean slate for all. ...

This is all making me sad, and it's not changing anything, we can't force someone to change, all we can do, is lead by example, and be gentle as the wind... .

posted June 13, 2007 01:43 PM         

That was lovely. Thank you very much for those wonderful words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have so much to say and not enough patience to say it nicely or compassionately, and so I will not say anything at all.

Peace.
GG

posted June 13, 2007 02:20 PM         

Will say this, I, along with Pix and Zala and others have also told Steve that he is a good writer on the threads here more than once. He knows that. I think we all agree to that and maybe he should write books where he can pour out his thoughts and opinions and not get feedback from the readers since he has such difficultly accepting the opinions and thoughts of others who may not share his beliefs, opinions and thoughts and takes it as criticism instead.

I also want to clarify that I do not know who was saying the things that Lisa mentioned in her post but I assure it was not I. I feel I have to clarify that being her mom because most people reading that will automatically assume it was I who said those things to her. I did not. In fact, I was happy that she had chosen to remain silent on this thread.

I think that what HSC was doing in posting the things above to both Lisa showing that he took Lisa's post to be a defense of him and Zala is a manipulative attempt of his to create a wedge of doubt and suspicion among the friends on this thread. Please do not let him do that ladies. I assumed when I read Zala's words that it was from the past and she was only attempting to encourage and bring HSC out of one of his depressive moods or in general I assumed what both Pix and Fayte said here.

And lets move on to more positive things as Lotus has suggested.

posted June 13, 2007 02:47 PM         

quote:

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I'm looking for a mother

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quote:

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I need attention in the worst way

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posted June 13, 2007 04:04 PM         

To clarify: I am not defending Steve. Did you read my post? (I was the Rebel, not him, Fayte) I said you guys were justified for being ****** off.

Please tell me once when I ever condoned his bad behavior to others here at LL. Or encouraged him when he was being self-absorbed and egotistic. I never have. In fact, I told him flat what I thought every time.
Have you been paying attention?

Part of what disturbs me is that kind of stuff. If anyone truly cares for Stephen, they aren't going to encourage his vice, knowing how self-destructive that is for him in the long run.
Melody, encouragement is one thing when its deserved, but if he shat on your head would you say the aroma was delectable? I wonder sometimes. Geez, it goes too far.

I should be suprised that people who I thought knew me, even my Mother, would judge me so quickly.

I love you ALL!

It breaks my heart.... but all my life leading up to this point is learning to be True to myself.
Rebel Yell, The Core, Spritual Warrior...
do you think I've been writing about all this stuff for years here because it sounds lofty or pretty?

Pluto kicked my @ss and I came out of it, determined to live what I had learned. Not just think about it, or write about it.
I can't let my course be decided by opinions outside of myself.
I can't worry about how I will be seen.
I will always be misunderstood...even by those who I love the most and who are closest to me.

Stephen, that was SO wrong to betray Zala's innocent trust in you. Even moreso than when you did it to me. Why did you do that?

If you have conscience and heart, you will realize the trust you just so easily severed...and hopefully apologize, although some things become damaged beyond repair. Dont' you understand?

Nothing you gain from vice will be enduring.
Nothing you gain from exploiting others will you be worthy of enough for it to remain.
You shoot any hope in the &ss.

In love with Stephen, Fayte?
That is crazy. This is a major learning/karmic connection...he and I both know that's been its purpose. Nothing more.

to be continued....

posted June 13, 2007 04:29 PM         

I've defended people here who wouldn't do the same for me. And I know they wouldn't. They haven't. I'm fully aware, believe me. And still....to this day, I defend them, if I care for them.

Why would I do that you might ask?
Because even if the whole world is ******d,
that doesn't mean I have to be.
Doing something..."because they would", is not being true to your Self.
Why let them control you in that way? Why let what other people would do, map your course in life?
Walk on...keep being True.

I'm not defending anyone's vice here.
Tell me how I am.

I've been incensed. My good friends and mom have been called terrible untrue things here.
Things have been distorted beyond recognition. I'm not ok with that.
They don't live for arguments....they're not bitter. They stand up for what's right and I admire that.

I'm the same as VTT, MOM?

wow.

that was cruel to say. I would have never said anything like that about anyone and you of all people, should know that of me.
I'm stirring up arguments?
Oh, this was winding down?
Until when??

If I am the only one here who is in a position to help make things better for everyone, how could I look away?

You and I are different as night and day in some things. We're not the same person at all. But I don't think I would have came to such a public snap judgment about you. You're mad at me. I knew you would be...I knew you'd take it all wrong and see it as betrayal.

As if I would ever betray you...or Fayte or anyone here. You guys have such little faith in me as that?

posted June 13, 2007 04:40 PM         

I felt that you were not defending HSC. Rather expressing your angst for what happened here. And may be trying to make him see.

But dear, what your mother, and everyone else, is trying to say, is this:

That you cannot make him see if he will deliberately close his eyes shut.

You posted thinking that you are in a position to help. Your post was deliberately misconstrued by him. he saw only what he wanted to see.

I am not asking you to be cynical. It is good to see such hope in human nature. But I feared that it would be you who wud be the most hurt out of this. And you are.

However, that is your choice to make. I personally would protect my heart first before trying to protect someone else.

Perhaps, if you had sent a pm rather than post on this thread, there may not have been confusion at this scale. But then again, perhaps you wanted to show your support for the rest of us and voice your own opinions on this subject.

posted June 13, 2007 04:50 PM         

Just Love to YOU.

Hugs,
GG