posted June 13, 2007 04:51 PM         

Big Hug of LOve to YOU. ...

posted June 13, 2007 05:21 PM         

------------------
~
What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world is immortal"~

posted June 13, 2007 05:52 PM         

amen, Juni.

I didn't have any expectations. No false hopes.
I don't even know why, just that I cared.

I don't have time to write right now.
I wish I did.
Hopefully soon.

posted June 13, 2007 06:08 PM         

You were feeling some growth/maturity and realizing a few things about your Self three months ago when those emails were written. I supported that growth. But I admit to a bit of surprise when you publicly splashed "I am a Genius" all over the boards. I stand by the contents of my private emails -- I still believe that you have an extraordinary genius with the written word. If you choose to call that "unnecessary flattery", so be it -- it's still my truth. But I also believe that out of misplaced (or enlarged) ego you may have stretched my perception and support of your "Genius" comment a bit to cover all the other facets of your Earthly existence.

**edited** PS: I am not going to publish your emails that I was responding to in my comments that you quoted, as I don't see it having any kind of positive effect.

You asked me why I didn't rein in Solane and the rest from their yelling at you in CAPS and so forth -- why should I?? I'm not a Moderator here. And you are well able to defend yourself. And defend yourself you should (if you can), if you stand by the words you wrote. Is my perception incorrect that you feel you are being Unjustly Attacked for nothing??

Well, to address one of your comments, I don't believe that I'm an angry, bitter old woman, but if that's your perception I can do nothing about it.....

Lia ~

Love & big {{{ hugs }}} my friend

posted June 13, 2007 06:09 PM         

LOve LOve LOve

posted June 13, 2007 06:45 PM         

If I were a Mod, I would say --
"Perhaps we can let this thread end here....."

posted June 13, 2007 06:48 PM         

and yes, it was from my Heart, and from feeling pain, and tears running down my face. I just want to LOve ALL. ...

and not be a pain in the butt, anymore, hehe

I hope, all of you will keep me in line? Please!

LOve and Magic!

posted June 13, 2007 07:59 PM         

I didnt realize you wanted those thoughts and sentiments of yours kept secret. They didnt strike me as especially sensitive or private, but, now that you mention it, i can see how they might not go over well with your new "friends".

"when you publicly splashed "I am a Genius" all over the boards"

Why are you doing this, 'Zala???
Please, I beg you or anyone to find a single instance of this and post it.
I dare you to find a single instance where i referred to myself as a genius.
Come on, this is your chance to really prove me wrong.
You are respected by a lot of people here, 'Zala,
they will believe you if you say something like this,
and that is not fair, because is it untruth.
I still have some respect for you,
so, i do not think you are lying,
but i think you bought into something prematurely.
Please, for yourself and for me, prove this accusation.

Your excuse for not speaking out against other's unrelenting viciousness is "I'm not a moderator and you can take care of yourself", but if I am uncompromising in my point of view, then you absolutely must join the gathering crowd in tar and feathering me for it. Not sure i see your logic.

What happened to you? Seriously.

juni -

You are mistaken. All of you are mistaken. This has been so twisted and distorted. If anyone cares about the truth, you will read my posts for yourself, and follow the flow of this thread, and see how i practiced admirable restraint, returning reason for insult, time after time, and trying so hard to bring our attention to what i was really saying and why, to explain my comments in context, in the face of lies, distortions, and unrelenting, absolutely vicious attacks upon my character.

I apologized for what I saw as one instance of losing my cool, in a post i made to fayte. I did not apologize for anything else, and i did nothing else wrong, other than make use of a poor choice of words, which no one would let me explain thereafter. My conscience stings for something that i said which was a mere fraction as bad as what fayte is saying over and over and over again, and getting patted on the back for.

These are the facts. I am not deluded or crazy or "sleeping". I have an extremely lucid mind (stone me for admitting it!), and I have tried so hard to keep my heart open to the very people who are determined to harden it. Can nobody see this besides Melody, Adrienne, and VTT? I have not conducted myself perfectly, but I have certainly not allowed myself to speak in the violent tone that fayte and others have. The one time i did allow myself to speak nasty words, i still spoke the truth, albeit far more bluntly than i know i should have, and my conscience still stings. Fayte, where is your conscience? That goes for the rest of you, as well. Look in your hearts.

posted June 13, 2007 08:29 PM         

quote:

---

I know Stephen wouldn't defend me.
He would serve me up on a platter with an apple in my mouth, all in the name of Love & Light, and (skewed) Utopian vision.

---

You are wrong.
I defend everybody.
I always have.

Now you begin to see what I am dealing with.

You are making yourself look like more of a martyr than i ever did, but notice how you dont see posts from every person here telling you how much you love attention, playing the martyr, and saying poor me - no, that is all for me. I dont blame you for feeling like a martyr here. I dont. And I am not insensitive to it. My heart goes out to you. I get it, believe me. But look how they are letting you get away with it. When it comes to me, they are drudging up things from weeks and months ago, - things i shared in my vulnerability, weakness, and openness about my mother, my drug use, and faults i have recognized in myself. Who else admits their personal sh!t the way i do? No one, because they know it will all be thrown in their face at the "opportune" moment by people like fayte and dulce luna. I made myself vulnerable, i asked for love when i was sad, lonely, or suicidal, and for this, i am met, not with sensitivity and compassion, and not even with mere insensitivity, but with absolute ridicule and venom. This is a sad day for LL. The world is in a sad state when people react this way to a cry for help. My heart is bleeding, and it will be gushing as soon as everyone pounces on this new opportunity to tell me what a cry baby i am. So sad.

I would always defend you, Lia. I cant believe you say these things. I cant believe you think these things. I have said nothing egotistical. I have only spoken the truth, and only when it was challenged. i have held to convictions about universal principles and high ideals, which others found unflattering to their current level of development. That is what has been called my "arrogance"!

Try to see what is really happening here. Think independently. I have more faith in your ability to do this than most. Please, try for me, for yourself, for the truth. Read my last two responses to pixie. Try to understand. Read my responses on this thread to ILWL. See how she tears into me, and i respond with calm logic and courtesy. LOOK. SEE. KNOW. I swear to you, i am not crazy or deluded or blinded by self-righteousness. Just imagine for a moment that what i say here might be the truth. Please, just have a fraction of a doubt, and investigate. Please, Lisa.

Listen to the venom spewing from your "friends'" lips, and tell me again who is not defending whom. Read one of faytes posts and imagine that it was written by me or one of those ladies you are not on good terms with. Imagine it was directed at Mirandee. Imagine how ripsh!t you would be and what your response would be. Who has a right to be angry, Lia? Everyone but me? Who has a right to be as furious as fayte? And why? I never even said the things she accuses me of, and even if i did, would it deserve anywhere NEAR the reception i have received??

This is so absurd.

This is life, I guess.

Detaching again....

Gotta find the humor.

Peace,
s

posted June 13, 2007 08:32 PM         

I do see that there are other perspectives,
but they are clouded by anger and hasty judgments,
and i will not condone them.

posted June 13, 2007 11:42 PM         

I think that all that can be said has been said and this is just going to get uglier and uglier.

Lisa and I have talked and I think we both understand where the other was coming from. My words to her were a bit harsh on this thread but mostly that is because I was happy that she did not post here and was following through on her total detachment from HSC as a friend. When she did post here I think that both Fayte and I had the same reaction as two people who love her very much would. It just frustrated me and I think Fayte felt the same way. Mainly because we both knew that HSC would take her post precisely the way he did take it. We both are guilty of not having enough faith in Lisa and her strength in this matter.

Lotus loved your post. Very well said. I cannot add to that. You are a very good example for HSC to follow, Lotus. You did come to realize that is not the message you had to give to us, it was your delivery of the message that was causing the reactions from people and you have changed. Which is proof that people do change when they are ready to change and mostly they change because of what you did, honest, inner self-examination and reflection and the ability to actually listen to what others are saying. You questioned yourself in a totally honest manner. That takes a lot of courage and strength, the ability to set the ego aside, and radical honesty.

Another example you set for all of us is that when people see the changes in you their reaction to you changes. So yes, cause and effect, action and reaction. It is true that others change their way of reacting to us when we change our actions. That is what sets ripples of love and good into motion in the world.

In short, you are an amazing and wonderful lady. An amazing human being. I can't tell you how much I admire you for what you have acheived and the good example you have set for all of us.

posted June 13, 2007 11:42 PM         

I want to also apologize to Mirandee(mom) for taking what she said so instantly subjectively and misunderstanding what she meant. I had been expecting backlash, so her words hit me hard emotionally as judgement in the moment, as hopefully can be understood, before I had proper time to take them in and contemplate. I know you're never cruel. Far from it.

ILWL,
thank you for trying to understand.
Yes, I do see. Much more than anyone might believe.
I don't feel comfortable betraying privacies to stress points.
For everything I've seen the other too.
Much loving, giving, caring, listening, understanding, empathy. I did still hope, because I can never dismiss these things as if they never existed.
It doesn't mean I don't see all as well or that I'm only blinded to these things. I'm not prone to looking at things, without taking in an entire picture as honestly as I can.

I still care for my ex-husband. I have no expectation or false hope, I just do. I always will, even though by most opinion it would seem crazy.
There was beauty once. And although he doesn't understand and probably never will and hurt me in many ways, in his heart at his base, he is a good man.
And for all the qualities of his, that I had to leave to be healthy, there were also admirable ones I recognized always and that remain with me. There came that time to walk away.

This was rather recent in my life. I don't know how I could begin to throw away such major experience, without having learnt so many things and summoned strengths that I never could have imagined of myself.

Thank you for caring.

(posting as I write, hoping to clear things and let this go...)

posted June 14, 2007 12:25 AM         

Was a misunderstanding on both our parts. Some jumping to conclusions as well. Sorry for that. I do know how important it is for you that those you love have faith in you.

I know full well that you do take in all of the picture and that you simply do not have it within you to hold grudges or hate or lose sight of the good even though you realize the bad as well. You just don't dwell on the bad. You balance the two, good and bad.

I know your strength. I know that in the case of your ex you knew when it was time to walk away and that took an awful lot of strength and courage. It also entailed many times of second guessing yourself to come to rest with your decision. However, from that I did learn that when you finally come to the decision to walk away from any relationship that is to your detriment should you stay, you do stick with it.

posted June 14, 2007 12:29 AM         

I am all for letting HSC go to sleep and hopefully this thread along with him.

Last post here folks, I am done with this. Hope springs eternal anyway.

Walking away with a whole lot of admiration and a new awareness of the beauty in all of you after reading your heartfelt posts on this thread.

posted June 14, 2007 12:40 AM         

Just so there's no further misunderstandings, I didn't mention my ex-husband to portray similarities between him and Steve. Seperate altogether. I only did for an example of how I don't, or try not to judge someone only by negatives or positives. It's more complex than as simple as that.

Fayte,
I've seen over time many ways you and others have cared. You posted a picture for him recently...what was an innocent guesture of kindness, ridiculed.
I am not condoning or enabling these things.
I felt for you....for how that must have felt, especially considering it was rather harshly and flippantly critiqued in a post as a defense for someone who had attacked you (and others)unjustly in the past. That had to sting. I know what that's like to give something in innocence that you hope will be received kindly
and the hard slap of being returned with the opposite. It takes you aback...damages hope and trust.

This is one example...I'm not going to write out a list of infractions...they're there to see.

I'm not dramatacizing for effect, Stephen. It's the result of charging for Universal Love, without taking the heart to take into consideration individual feelings.
I hope you will also take a moment to See, as you suggest to me....really look at things more empathetically. Without assuming I'm condemning you or insulting you, but rather only hoping you will look honestly at the whole picture.

What would you expect of Fayte? How often has she been kind to you? You would paint her as a bitter villian, regardless. There has been beauty from her to you...and you to her. This is why I felt sad, remembering.

posted June 14, 2007 12:53 AM         

quote:

---

Fayte, where is your conscience?

---

posted June 14, 2007 01:36 AM         

Now would have been a good time.

I was pretty honest about offering myself up as martyr here. Why I have no *ucking clue.

No -- you SEE.

What's going on around you?

You are too self-absorbed right now to recognize anything.
I might be losing people I love most dearly in this world...for why???
Deeper, deeper digs the hole, I feel like, the more I type.

What started out as innocent hope for love....what started out as just caring about people, entirely *ucking haywire.

And on you go...on and on.
Make another dig in a quote, or a poem or song.
Then act above it all.

"this is what I'm dealing with", you say.

What??

Someone who cared about your welfare?

It is hopeless, isn't it?

Only more and more fuel for some unknown cause.

posted June 14, 2007 01:46 AM         

I was most afraid of losing you.
You know how much your friendship means and has meant to me. Your understanding....I don't know what to say. I'm emotional and think I should exit before I make more of a fool of myself.

I love you dearly.