posted June 18, 2007 05:32 AM         

I have come to the conclusion that depression, a very misunderstood illness, cannot be explained. It simply IS. I thought that it was born of circumstances or of some kind of inner 'soul-sickness'. Perhaps this is true. But it is not easy to get rid of habits or a nature which has been ingrained in someone over many years....especially those vulnerable years.

We don't persecute people with physical illnesses. If a car breaks down, we don't judge it. We help it get fixed. Why should mental illness be any different? If this part of our bodies breaks down or is unwell, how is that any different from any other part of the body becoming unwell? Where does this PREJUDICE come from? Is it fear?

health.indiamart.com

posted June 18, 2007 10:23 AM         

Some people can't feel depressed at all without labelling it an illness. After all, they do everything they're supposed to do and yet they're still depressed? They should be happy! So, seeking instant gratification, they lunge at anything that can relieve it. In the past, the bar, smoking, romance novels for women and James Bond movies for men, and other things dealt with it.

Now it's legal chemicals put out by Wall Street that are so determined to maximise sales that they push their pills onto anyone they can, including those who don't need their meds (and may even react badly to them), and those that CAN use their meds aren't properly monitored.

Oh, and note the side effects. I looked at the side effects for one bottle of pills that a friend was taking, and the side effects were the very symptoms of depression! Like WTF is up with that?

Also, seeing how many ARE on meds and are still messed up doesn't help my view of those meds that they're on. I think they're being ripped off, being sold a false promise by an industry that exploits the instant gratification tendencies of people.

All of this stuff is why I think a lot of people are skeptical. That, and we all experience depression from time to time.

As for me personally, I see a lot of people who are depressed who are doing things that would leave me depressed, too. They have poor living habits, habitually make stupid decisions and refuse to learn from them, work at jobs they hate because they're supposed to, enter into relationships they hate becuase they're supposed to (and fear being alone so much), and accept all kinds of soul-killing obligations. That's not to say that people shouldn't work or have relationships, but they should do what leaves them happy instead of doing what they're "suppose to" or because they're scared to do anything different. (Granted, some have some over the top unrealistic expectations from their jobs or relationships. Natch, they're gonna spend a lot of time disappointed if not downright depressed.)

And how many get any exercise? They drive everywhere instead (which also eats away at the finances, adding to the stress) and act like they hate anything physical. In my experience, exercise is addictive. It puts out endorphins (that cure depression naturally) and I actually feel bad if I don't get enough of it.

Others are just determined to see the bad. No matter what, they're gonna be upset by it. Even worse, they'll ONLY associate with those who validate their twisted views. I've seen women who believe all men are violent jerks who will ONLY hook up with men like that and men who think women will treat them badly who work hard to find the women that act that way before they show any interest. I've noticed most came from some really bad backgrounds. They don't need pills (though they might help as a temporary measure), they need to change the way they think and those they INSIST on hooking up with. Granted, it's hard, but it's not caused by a chemical imbalance, though their thinking and the results of their decisions probably stresses them out to the point of creating such an imbalance.

I'm sure someone is just gonna skim my response and think I'm saying depression isn't real. But that would be wrong. I've seen people I think of as depressed. To me, they're the kind that you can't get out of the bed because what's the point to them. They don't mope as that would take too much effort, they don't clean, they don't eat... THOSE people can use medical intervention (and I've known someone who used pot this way, too, and I'm convinced she needed it to function). I think it's tragic if they need pills (or pot, etc) as a permanent treatment, but it's possible that they do.

Heck, I sometimes take chocolate when I get depressed myself (and as a Libran on the Scorpio cusp, my scales do get out of whack often enough), so that's sorta medicating. Though I don't do it on a normal basis. I usually do other things.

posted June 18, 2007 10:31 AM         

*****

I had gotten off the comp this morn when a friend that I had just emailed a few minutes before called (since she knew I was up). She wanted us to go surfing with them. Having just gotten over a flu, I was thinking of saying no, but my roomie really wanted to go, so I agreed.

I am so glad for that.

We surfed as normal and the lingering depression and such from fighting off the flu was banished and I really enjoyed myself and the company. The morn was cloudy, but it was still beautiful, with fog in the distant hills, and the ocean itself vanishing off into the distant mists. There was rain, but it was very light--I'm not even sure it counts as rain. And hardly matters when you're in a wetsuit anyway.

And then the wind picked up. Friends had a wonderful idea, to try windsurfing. This was interesting, and I wasn't sure about it, having never done it before. When I finally tried, it took me some minutes just to not fall over, though they said I picked it up really fast. It was difficult because I had to hold my feet differently, and dealing with the harness. But at some point, WHOOSH, the SPEED! I couldn't help it: I screamed with joy, and I was SO glad we had come.

And then the sun broke through.... not direct, but close. The water turned from gray to aqua, and I was suddenly recalling when I was like 6-10, how I'd get up before Mom & Dad (and often before dawn back then) and go outside and explore, play, go to friend's houses.... I felt so free and there was a stark beauty to life that I rarely feel (at least sober) since I guess I became a teen. And then I surpassed even that, and I reached a state that was nothing less than ecstasy, I'd say on par (though distinct and different in its own way) to mindaltering dancing or sex, and perhaps even more fulfilling in its own way.

If there was any doubt about fighting to survive the dark times in my life, it was dispelled at this moment of utter beauty in which I lived totally within this miraculous moment, my shout and my heart praising the Goddess of Life and for this moment in Life, one that was worth every horror and ache I had endured just to be here. Tears came down my face (just a few), and I knew that when I die, should my life flash before my eyes, this exact moment will be replayed, and if it affects my body at all, I will smile then, at peace, knowing it was all worth it in part to this one ineffable moment.

What else is there to say? My cold seemed to come back but it went away again, and it was hardly even noted (at least not by me--and we were all wet enough anyway). I found out that the wind was LIGHT (like how fast would I have gone in a HIGH wind???) Because we messed with the boards (including the beginner board I had borrowed), we failed to miss the churches getting out and ended up eating at a Pizza Hut for awhile to give the traffic a chance to die down more.

Now I am home. I've showered, dishes are now washing, warms are washing and hots are drying. Today was awesome, and I'm sharing. If you get a chance to try something new like that, and to be out in nature in a way that helps you to fuse with it, if just for a moment, then avail yourself of the moment. If more people did, psychiatry would be an endangered profession.

As the Wiccans say, Blessed Be (it seems appropiate to now).

*****

posted June 18, 2007 12:48 PM         

My depression began at the age of 11, and it was depression. My best friend of 6 years, who I hadn't managed to see that much of over the summer holidays, suddenly decided she felt like deserting me on the first day of secondary school and that she would pick on me with her friends. I was in a strange place full of strange people I had never met. I wasn't being hurt physically or anything, that happened about 2 years later, but I was generally ostracized for being a 'loner', which was just as painful, most girls were bitchy in their little groups, etc. I was so painfully shy, I would come home feeling exhausted. I couldn't sleep at night because I was so worried. Everyday there were rows at home which sometimes kept me awake too. Every morning I would get stomach cramps because I was so worried about going to school.

This was when it all started.

Then at 12, I tried living with my Dad, Stepmum and stepsister for 2 long months, but this made me feel even more unsettled. I became overwhelmingly home-sick. There were also times when I felt my stepmum was cold towards me, which was very difficult for a sensitive kid like me.

So I came back. This time I made friends straight away. Then, one day I spoke up about disagreeing with the way one girl (a friend of my friend, the one I'd mentioned earlier) had punched another girl in the face at school. Now, I knew this girl from Infants and Primary school. She had been ostracized herself all her life simply because her mother she depended on had poor standards of hygiene.

Anyway, this girl (who was quite large in build) found out about what I had said, and told me I was getting a fight, whether I liked it or not. I didn't want to, but I fought back well until I lost my nerves and wet myself. I don't know if anyone saw it, but this humiliation felt worse than anything.

I began to truant from school, to loose all my interest and motivation. Later, I did start to go back. I even forgave the girl who did this. But, out of school hours, she decided to one day repeat the same crime (this time in a group of 3) out of nothing but pure spite- I hadn't done anything to deserve it, I swear.

I began to get agoraphobic. Girl gang networks try and victimize people, they try and turn others against you. You never know when someone may attack. There were a couple of occasions I did try coming out of my shell/ house again, but one time I was attacked by a pair of girls walking home, I gave up. By this time I had lost the motivation to go to school- I was unhappy both there and my home environment; I had lost motivation.....

Why am I talking about this now, the past, you may wonder? What I am saying is that the past still effects the present.

At the age of 13, I became a Mormon for a little while, 1 year, (my parents had been members when they met, but left when they got divorced, shortly after I was born).....I truly believed in it for about a year. It gave me friends and a place to belong, but when I felt I couldn't believe in it any more I had to be true to myself and leave, loosing all the friends I had made, etc, when I did. I was under great pressure to stay; my mum and two older brothers are still members now.

At the age of 16, I found self-expression (all alone) in the Gothic.

At the age of 17, a family friend in the church offered me a temporary job in his office, this enabled me to save up and see a few concerts....(some of this time was spent sleeping out in the open, on the steps of Wembley).....when I got back I felt claustrophobic and knew I couldn't go back to living life the way it was, met up with a gothic group I had read about, where I knew they were having an outing locally, found one of my sister soul mates, stayed in touch, left home- got a job as a live-in receptionist but was too anxious to do it well, got a flat, got lonely when she was at college most of the time, we both got boyfriends, I left the goth scene when it didn't feel right, no longer belonging to that crowd (she had had a traumatic childhood- more in the home than out of it- but found family in her Coven....however, I felt this wan't the right path for me, so I went my own way)......I broke up with my boyfriend (I will never forgive myself for causing him pain, but I felt I'd outgrown him), he was the first man to ever show me real love; I had learned a lot with him and was starting to develop confidence. I joined an animal rights group for more than a year, but left when I felt that this was no longer right (I still believe with all my heart, it was just a question of whether the tactics were effective- I no longer thought so). So, once again, I no longer belonged to a group I had found, any more.

posted June 18, 2007 12:49 PM         

And so, I cried for 3 months continuously, not knowing what to do. I had to give up this correspondance course I was doing to gain the extra qualifications I needed to train as a veterinary nurse, because I couldn't focus. I felt immediate love for the baby I was carrying, but didn't want to bring him into a life of suffering as I had known. Then, when I saw my niece after she had been born in hospital, I burst into tears; all doubt left my mind.

After I had had him, I didn't sleep for about 9 months because he was one of those babies who don't sleep much. It was a mixture of tears of joy and tears of exhaustion......he had given me a purpose in life, made me feel more complete (for the very first time in my entire life), but it was exhausting- I did not plan on having any more.

However....it did happen once more....I know what people will say....I won't go into the details. I just couldn't bring myself to abort this child; I felt in my heart I should go through with it. But life has been more difficult since then.

I feel, perhaps, I was beginning to learn about myself before having children, whereas I'd been more behind in this than most for the reasons I have gone into. I had been feeling a little confused about what I wanted to do for a career, and somewhat unfulfilled, but then I was young and most people experience this.

Because I am a mother, I have spent 4 years in isolation with them. It is very rewarding, but I feel sad because I feel I haven't been able to develop and grow in the way I needed....as a person. I fear I never will. Mu self-esteem is terrible- I am too afraid to make the effort with people for fear of rejection, although I can talk easily to people (given half a chance, before I have to rush off to supervise my youngest) and have many acquaintances. Sometimes, when the day starts off in a difficult way, with both of them playing up and screaming at me, and the way my eldest carries on to try and get his own way...sometimes...I feel I can't cope. Sometimes I feel alright myself, but the sound of children whining and screaming goes right through me; I am quite sensitive to sound as not to be effected. I feel totally crap for not being stronger, for not having a more cheerful disposition to be able to radiate strength to them- instead they have this miserable bag. Luckily, their Dad is able have them a lot for me. He has them today.

posted June 19, 2007 01:21 AM         

I was ostracized pretty early. I had been mostly raised by my granny until I was 5. Then Mom took me in a snit with Granny and I moved into an unhappy home that was very different. I did make friends, but by the time I was 7, all the girls my own age in my neighborhood wouldn't have anything to do with me. I was forced to play with boys when not at school. I laugh about it now (from my playing with toy guns to how I learned to never show a boy's parents just how good you could make their son look in a dress with makeup on), but I found it pretty upsetting at the time. I was 10 before another girl my age moved in, also from a really messed up home, that I bonded with. We were best friends until she died when we were 15.

No child of mine will ever be forced to endure the idiocy and cruelty of kids and faculty both at a public school. There aren't many private schools that I'd be willing to consider, either.

Anyway, it does sound rough, what you're going through. I can understand why you'd become depressed a lot, though I consider it different from clinical depression (where the brain for NO REASON is unable to experience happiness and optimism, as opposed to genuine physical and mental stress that gives a reason for it).

I could share a lot of my own experiences, but instead I'd just like to point out a fanfic I did. This is based on a TV series called Daria, mostly based on Is It Fall Yet? (a movie for the series).

A summary of the flick (NOT mine, btw) that I based my fanfic on:
http://www.outpost-daria.com/ep_iify.html

The script:
http://www.outpost-daria.com/ts_iify.html

Anyway, many of the cruelties Alison experienced in school in my fanfic was stuff I'd witnessed or even experienced. (NOTE: Alison is NOT me, nor are all her experiences. I saw a lot and experienced some, and I was a runaway, but again just because it happened to her doesn't mean it happened to me. People get confused on that and so I'm trying to prevent that misunderstanding, as it can get awkward as people react as if Alison's tragedy were my own.)
http://www.outpost-daria.com/fanfic/cries_for_help.html

Oh, hey, I even include a bit of astrology, including info gleaned from a Linda Goodman book! Anyway, I thought maybe you might appreciate it, having experienced the cruelties of home & school, and probably knowing other people that experienced other aspects of life. (Still, it was one of the first fics of this nature I wrote, so it's not one of my better ones.)

posted June 19, 2007 03:15 AM         

They have chapters all over the world. I've met a few in my area and they seem like pretty cool people, though not everyone gets into helping people for good reasons. I think they're worth looking into anyway.

posted June 19, 2007 09:18 AM         

I have PTSD and my brain chemicals are, at times way out of wack.

I choose not to medicate with prescription drugs, have in the past, but the side effects are not favorable to me. In my practice as a nurse, I see way too many psych patients that are medicated with drugs just to combat the side effects of the other drugs!!!

I choose to deal with my issues with self-study, meditation, contemplation....

Back in medieval times depression, melancholy, etc. was seen as a natural expression of the soul...and that is how I see it and that is one reason I choose to deal with it in a soulfull manner.

People ages ago even had gardens with statues of Saturn in them so they could go into the garden and just be sad....delve deep into their depression and feel it, love it and let it process through.

Now society wants to put you on drugs and more drugs....

Having said that, there are people who are so clinically depressed that the can not function. I have a dear friend who was in a car accident when she was a teenager, went through the windsheild and now, in her mid 30's she deals with depression on a daily basis. She is an addict and alchoholic who tries to self-medicate with substance just to get through the day. She has been in and out of 3 re-habs so far and always goes back to her ways. I think she suffers from some organic brain dysfunction that causes her depression...

Alot of people have very altered brain chemistry and will likely suffer all of their lives.

For light to moderate depression I support non medical therapies...live it feel it it is part of us! But for the clinically severely depressed sometimes medication is the only way the individual can even moderately function in daily life.

Something else that comes to mind is diet. We fill ourselves with such impurities sometimes and that in itself can get our brains out of wack. Carbohydrates, for instance are needed for release of seratonin the body's feel good hormone. Those on low carb, Adkins type of "diets" are often very depressed just from the foods they are eating!!!

Just my 2cents worth from personal and professional experience...

posted June 20, 2007 12:42 AM         

I believe that sadness is as natural as happiness.
Going through cycles is like breathing. Sometimes it hurts to breathe.
Then you open your lungs up full of air and it's exhillarating.(sp)

posted June 20, 2007 06:10 AM         

to you

Dervish, I have a great amount of admiration for you. You are such a fighter! At first I thought you didn't understand, then I realized (real-eyes) that you understand completely. I read the story you wrote and was very impressed, I am going to go back and read it again as I was in a rush when I read it last (so much to do), but I was impressed by what I read.....The 'gothhelpus' group made me smile, because of the name of it...never heard of it before, sounds like a good idea....although I am no longer a goth so I don' think I'd fit in....

I got a gym membership yesterday, so that will be a great way for me to increase serotonin levels naturally and somewhere to take the boys swimming....as well as getting me out of the house.

You were absolutely right Dervish....some of the things depressed people do, their life-styles, etc, would make anyone depressed, although these words sounded harsh at the time.

I have reoccurring depression, not severe depression, so I am not saying that certain cures are right for everybody. It has to be the right combination to suit the individual.

It is not easy for me to come out and admit all this. I usually keep my problems to myself until I hit rock bottom. Then I come here for help, which I must say I do receive-people have been so loving towards me; they are absolutely wonderful

But afterwards, I usually feel a little ashamed of myself and silly, so I go back and erase what I put, feeling so 'out there'.
However, this time I will not. I strongly admire the bravery of others who have come forward and empathized. There has to be more honesty when it comes to illnesses such as depression, if we are to move towards more understanding in society, although I appreciate that understanding is incredibly difficult for some- I should know because I've been in a relationship that lacks a lot of it for many years, but I am actually getting somewhere now!

Where I live, very few people go psychiatrists and counselors. Few people find the strength to admit they need to. I think of it as cleansing the TOXINS OF THE SOUL. Which is very EMPOWERING. We're not ashamed of things which go wrong with our bodies physically, not usually anyway (in this day and age). So if we require medicine for the mind and soul from time to time, this shouldn't be any different. We are all finite beings, like it or not. We all need food....physical, emotional AND spiritual. We shouldn't feel ashamed of our need to eat- it is just a fact of life, and we all have it.