posted September 12, 2007 05:15 PM         

December 12, 2006
I AM GLAD I AM NOT A TOILET.

FOLKS, the other day, while I was leading a CUT THE CRAP JR. (for kids) seminar at a local playground, one of the children said something to me that has forever changed my life.

He asked me:

"YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST JOB IN THE WORLD WOULD BE?"

To which I replied:

"BEING YOUR PARENT?
OH...HEY NOW, I'M JUST KIDDING LITTLE JOHNNY. GO ON, PLEASE TELL ME—WHAT WOULD BE THE WORST JOB IN THE WORLD?"

To which he replied:

"BEING A TOILET."

WOW! OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES.

HOW TRUE, HOW REAL, HOW POWERFUL!

AND PEOPLE, IT REALLY PUTS THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE.

THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE—
WHAT WOULD THAT BE LIKE?
IF THAT WAS YOUR JOB: TO BE A TOILET.

MAN!

THE "NOT GOOD" POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

GRATITUDE IS WHAT COMES TO MIND.
GRATITUDE AND COMPASSION FOR TOILETS.

LET'S BUILD FROM THERE.

YOUR JOB (MOST LIKELY) IS NOT BEING A TOILET.
AND ALTHOUGH I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING YOUR JOB/LIFE HAS MANY
TOILET-LIKE QUALITIES,

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL (METAPHORICALLY). YOU'RE NOT AN ACTUAL TOILET.

AND THANK GOD FOR THAT.

MAYBE THAT COULD BE A LITTLE AFFIRMATION FOR SOME OF YOU.

AT LEAST I'M NOT A TOILET.
AT LEAST I'M NOT A TOILET.
AT LEAST I'M NOT A TOILET.

I AM DEFINITELY NOT A TOILET.

I AM A HAPPY, HEALTHY, SUCCESSFUL, CARING, SHARING, ABUNDANT LOVING PERSON.

AND SO ARE YOU.

IF YOU WANT.

IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND.

HEY ! THAT IS A GREAT NEW MEDITATION TOOL.

SEE IN YOUR MIND'S EYE A GIANT TOILET.

NOW SEE IT FILLING UP WITH ALL THOSE BAD THOUGHTS YOU HAVE ABOUT YOURSELF AND OTHERS.

NOW....FLUSH.

ALL GONE.

DON'T FORGET TO JIGGLE THE HANDLE.

THANK YOU LITTLE JOHNNY.
THANK YOU GOOD PEOPLE,
AND THANK LIFE!

BLESS YOU(S).

Posted by clamlynch at 10:25 AM
http://www.clamlynch.com/blog/2006/12/i_am_glad_i_am_not_a_toilet_1.html

posted September 12, 2007 05:17 PM         

When I was a kid my parents wouldn’t let ME hang out with a kid like ME. But later in life I keep running into me and I would think:
"I LIKE THIS GUY, I BET HE WOULD MAKE A GREAT FRIEND, WE SHARE A LOT OF THE SAME INTERESTS, WE HAVE GOOD CHEMISTRY, THERE’S A FELLA I WOULD LIKE TO DO STUFF WITH!"

But I was always too busy with other things, friends, wife, family and so on, to spend any quality time with ME. Well lately I have been spending A LOT more time with ME and although we do have our differences we are getting along FAMOUSLY!

WHO KNEW?

Well I guess ME KNEW !

Because me knows things about myself that I never knew, OR never really thought about.
LIKE:
WHAT DO I LOVE?
WHAT DO I REALLY WANT?
WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?
MY "TURN ONS" and "TURN OFFS"

What is this strange power ME has over ME? It's like finding a long lost friend or running into someone and feeling you’ve met this person before. Well I AM looking forward to getting to know ME better and who knows, if things work out we could form a REAL relationship and take it ALL the way.

I’M OPEN.

And from what ME has been telling ME he feels the same way.

I am very hopeful for our future and am now looking forward to each new day. There's even talk of becoming "LIFE PARTNERS". But I want to take it slow and just see where life takes us.

Wish ME and ME luck.

DONT BE JEALOUS, BECAUSE THAT WILL ONLY END UP HURTING YOU, NOT ME.

WE are going to have dinner now and maybe a movie, OH LISTEN TO ME, I AM ALL READY CALLING US WE? Well, SO BE IT.

I hope you all find your ME.

Love ME,
CLAM

Posted by clamlynch at 9:35 AM http://www.clamlynch.com/blog/2006/12/i_just_met_a_new_bestfriend_an.html

posted September 12, 2007 05:25 PM         

reflection_graphic.gif

HECK, I DON’T KNOW? I AM NOT A MIRROROLOGIST PEOPLE, JEEEZ LOUWEEZE!!

BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THIS.

PEOPLE JUST SEEM TO APPEAR IN YOUR LIFE AND THEY SAY WORDS AND STATE THEIR OPINIONS. SOMETIMES THESE WORDS ARE GOOD AND HELPFUL AND COME FROM A PLACE OF LOVE. SOMETIMES THESE OPINIONS COME FROM AN OPEN HEART AND ARE GIVEN AS SHARED EXPERIENCE OR A HELPFUL/PRACTICAL SUGGESTION.

NOW SOME FOLKS SAY THESE PEOPLE COME TO US TO BE OUR MIRRORS, TO SHOW US THINGS WE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO SEE IN OURSELVES, TEACH US THINGS WE MIGHT NEED TO LEARN IN THIS THING CALLED LIFE.

I SAY YAY, YAY, TO THAT.

BUT SOMETIMES THEY ARE NOT AND I SAY THAT WITH A STRONG, NAY, NAY.

SOMETIMES THE WORDS THAT COME OUT OF THESE FOLKS ARE BAD WORDS AND THEIR OPINIONS ARE EVEN WORSE.

THEIR WORDS COME FROM A PLACE OF PAIN, OF HURT OF THEIR OWN FEARS AND DOUBTS. THEIR OPINIONS ARE OFTEN BASED IN WHAT THEY OR THEIR EGOS OR THEIR PAIN OR WHATEVER, NEEDS TO BRING OTHERS DOWN AND NOT DO THE EXACT THING THEY ARE TELLING OTHER THAT THEY SHOULD DO THEMSELVES.

BUT HERE’S THE GOOD NEWS!!

BOTH TYPES ARE GOOD.
YES YOU HEARD/READ ME RIGHT.
GOOD.

BOTH ARE GOOD WAYS FOR YOU TO LOOK INSIDE AND FIND YOUR OWN TRUTH.

NOW WHEN I SAY "LOOK INSIDE" I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT STICKING A KNIFE INTO YOUR STOMACH AND CUTTING A LARGE CIRCLE INTO YOURSELF AND LOOKING AT IT AS YOU TAKE YOUR LAST FEW BREATHS.

ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE DOING JUST THAT AFTER TALKING TO CERTAIN PEOPLE OR SHOULD I SAY:
"TALKED TO" BY CERTAIN PEOPLE.

OR MAYBE:
"YELLED AT AND BELITTLED AND ACCUSED AND SCOLDED BY CERTAIN UNNAMED PEOPLE"

ANYHOOT, WHERE WAS/AM I?

OH YEAH.
FRIENDS, I AM NOT TELLING YOU WHAT TO THINK OR DO. I AM JUST THINKING/TYPING OUT LOUD. I AM CONTEMPLATING, WHY?

I AM NOT ASKING YOU, WHY? I AM JUST ASKING MYSELF, WHY?

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, ISN’T IT!!
WELL I THINK THAT’S VERY SELFISH!!

SEE FOLKS THAT IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE. TELLING YOU IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU WHEN I AM BEING ALL ABOUT ME.

IT'S LIKE THAT LITTLE VOICE IN MY HEAD. THAT SMALL SCARED SELF THAT SAYS THINGS TO ME ...WELL NOT OUT LOUD BUT JUST IN MY HEAD. IT SAYS THING LIKE:
"THAT WAS A GREAT MEETING, NOW CAN YOU LEND ME TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS YOU RICH ******* ! I NEED TO BUY SOME **** , LIKE FOOD, A CAR, HEALTH INSURANCE, AND CRAZY **** LIKE THAT."

OR

"THANKS FOR BAGGING MY GROCERIES CAN WE GO SOMEWHERE AND HAVE SOME HOT CRAZY SEX NOW? "

OR EVEN

"THANKS FOR TELLING ME HOW I’VE GOT TO LIVE MY LIFE, CAN I STICK THIS FORK IN YOUR EYE NOW?"

BUT THOSE ARE JUST PASSING THOUGHTS AND I JUST SMILE AND LET THEM DRIFT BY.

PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES FOR A REASON.
FOR US TO LEARN.
FOR US TO SEE.
FOR US TO HAVE COMPASSION FOR THEIR SUFFERING AS WELL AS OUR OWN.

SO LET’S TRY NOT TO REACT TO OUTSIDE PEOPLES WORDS AND OPINIONS AND JUST ASK OURSELVES, WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM THEM. LET’S TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE WITH A HEAVY OBJECT, ESPECIALLY YOURSELF. LET’S GO DEEP AND FIGURE OUT WHAT’S RIGHT FOR ME/YOU.

THAT’S WHAT I AM DOING AND THAT’S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO!!

SORRY, THERE I GO AGAIN.

I DON’T WANT TO SHOULD ON ANYONE.

I LOVE.

ME, CLAM

Posted by clamlynch at 6:29 AM
http://www.clamlynch.com/blog/2007/06/if_i_held_a_mirror_up_to_your_1.html

posted September 12, 2007 06:28 PM         

quote:

---

I’M NOT INTO LYING CAUSE IT ALWAYS SEEM TO COME BACK TO YOU BY EITHER GETTING CAUGHT OR ATTRACTING OTHER LIARS, WHICH THEN ATTRACTS OTHER LIARS. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY ONE BIG PACK OF LIARS AND YOU CAN’T GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER OTTA ANYONE.

FIBBERS ARE OK SOMETIMES, AT LEAST THEY’RE FUNNY AND EVENTUALLY TELL THE TRUTH OR A LITTLE WHITE LYING TO NOT HURT SOMEONE’S FEELINGS ISN'T TOO BAD. I WOULD RATHER HANG OUT WITH A GOOD NATURED FIBBER OR A KINDHEARTED WHITE LIAR PERSON THEN A BRUTALLY HONEST PERSON ANY DAY. BRUTALLY HONEST PEOPLE CAN BE SO THOUGHTLESS AND COLD....OK, I AM GETTING WAY OFF TRACK HERE.

---

OK...back to Clam..
I would like him more if he did not shout all the time! A little shouting for highlighted emphasis...cool by me...but chill out dude! I hear you I hear you already!

posted September 12, 2007 09:47 PM         

A few words about honesty...

Stating one side of an equation, -
let's say, the brutal side, -
may be honest, but it is not fair,
and only provides an unbalanced account.

Saying whatever is true may be honest,
but it is not always pertinent or helpful.

Ideally,
honesty ought to be used exclusively,
but even-handedly.
If it is brutal, it ought to be used sparingly.
We are not all masters of tact and diplomacy,
and it is difficult to answer honestly and spontaneously,
without hurting people's feelings.
Having said that,
although I can excuse a few white lies,
I would rather advise people not to ask
questions that they do not want honest answers to.

Also,
take into account that the people you are talking to
vary in their receptivity to criticism.
Some are mortally wounded by a single word,
and some are untouched to a violent diatribe.

To sum up,
if you can't say anything nice,
you had better say something helpful.
Telling a person what their problem is accomplishes
little more than to make them feel crumby about themselves and you,
IF you do not at least try to prescribe some remedy,
and a little hope, and positive encouragement, to go with it.

Fayte,

Here's another good one for you
(can't make much sense of the first verse though):

"Don't Say Nothing"
by Patti Smith

Lower the thing the skin of a cat
Skin it to the left just laying there
No other thing is luck like that
And you set it said it said nothing

Went to the party very discouraged
I watched the litter pile like a wall
I looked at the river just couldn't forgive it
It was ladened with all kinds of sh-t
Still I admit that I didn't say nothing
I turned my back walked away
Got to face the fact that I didn't say nothing

Everyone was dancing I stood over in the corner
I was listening they were saying this and saying that
And putting this one down but nothing was delivered
Nothing good was coming I just stood there
I couldn't believe it but I didn't say nothing
I walked the floor then I looked away

Got to face the fact that I didn't say nothing

How long how long will we make do
Maybe it's time to break on through
Gonna lift my skirts gonna straighten up
Gonna get well I'm gonna do something
Gonna face the fact gonna give it back
And I'm gonna do something won't hold my tongue
Won't hold the thought won't hold the card
Well I'm gonna do something
Oh my brain I got to complain
You can refrain but I'm gonna do something
How long how long will we make do
Maybe it's time to break on through

Out in the desert I saw that old cat skinned
I saw it floating in the river
I saw and no one seemed to mind
They sat there they sat there watching the sun
I saw it float away and I watched the buildings crumble
Like dust in the hand and we watched the sun
Spread its wings and fly away
And in the mountains a cry echoes
Don't say nothing
Don't say nothing no
Don't say nothing no

posted September 12, 2007 10:34 PM         

quote:

---

I would rather advise people not to ask
questions that they do not want honest answers to.

---

quote:

---

Fayte,
Here's another good one for you
(can't make much sense of the first verse though):

"Don't Say Nothing"
by Patti Smith
Lower the thing the skin of a cat
Skin it to the left just laying there
No other thing is luck like that
And you set it said it said nothing
Went to the party very discouraged
I watched the litter pile like a wall
I looked at the river just couldn't forgive it
It was ladened with all kinds of sh-t
Still I admit that I didn't say nothing
I turned my back walked away
Got to face the fact that I didn't say nothing
Everyone was dancing I stood over in the corner
I was listening they were saying this and saying that
And putting this one down but nothing was delivered
Nothing good was coming I just stood there
I couldn't believe it but I didn't say nothing
I walked the floor then I looked away
Got to face the fact that I didn't say nothing
How long how long will we make do
Maybe it's time to break on through
Gonna lift my skirts gonna straighten up
Gonna get well I'm gonna do something
Gonna face the fact gonna give it back
And I'm gonna do something won't hold my tongue
Won't hold the thought won't hold the card
Well I'm gonna do something
Oh my brain I got to complain
You can refrain but I'm gonna do something
How long how long will we make do
Maybe it's time to break on through
Out in the desert I saw that old cat skinned
I saw it floating in the river
I saw and no one seemed to mind
They sat there they sat there watching the sun
I saw it float away and I watched the buildings crumble
Like dust in the hand and we watched the sun
Spread its wings and fly away
And in the mountains a cry echoes
Don't say nothing
Don't say nothing no
Don't say nothing no

---

Not sure if the subtle advice was say nothing is the right thing to do
And blissfully be oblivious, party on and ignore things, or speak out and ask
Say;
“am I the only one paying any attention here to what is going on?”
I have no intentions of being like the person in the song, “Don't say nothing”
THAT is a song of regret, for having no backbone, for not speaking out when one knows someone should.

posted September 12, 2007 10:49 PM         

quote:

---

We should not have to wrap everything we say in a blanket of disclaimers; assuming some folks might get angry before they do. Like this is my opinion, this is my take, this is my viewpoint, this is my two cents; folks should already realize that!

---

quote:

---

Not sure if the subtle advice was say nothing is the right thing to do
And blissfully be oblivious, party on and ignore things, or speak out and ask
Say;
“am I the only one paying any attention here to what is going on?”

---

Huh? Am I reading you correctly? Are you really entertaining suspicions that I would be subtly hinting something crumby like that?? After I agreed with your view and thoroughly articulated it in a way that you commended? Trust me, Fayte, its innocent. I just saw the lyrics you posted and I made an association to this song.

quote:

---

I have no intentions of being like the person in the song, “Don't say nothing”
THAT is a song of regret, for having no backbone, for not speaking out when one knows someone should.

---

I thought the poems/lyrics/quotes you were referring to were also songs of regret (i.e. "they came for the blue guy.. I didnt say a thing... they came for the green guy,.. I didnt say a thing,... when they came for me, there was no one left to say a thing"). Sounds like regret to me. And I agree, nobody wants to be in that position.

hsc

posted September 12, 2007 11:07 PM         

quote:

---

Not sure if the subtle advice was say nothing is the right thing to do
And blissfully be oblivious, party on and ignore things, or speak out and ask
Say;
“am I the only one paying any attention here to what is going on?”

---

quote:

---

Huh? Am I reading you correctly? Are you really entertaining suspicions that I would be subtly hinting something crumby like that?? After I agreed with your view and thoroughly articulated it in a way that you commended? Trust me, Fayte, its innocent. I just saw the lyrics you posted and I made an association to this song.

---

posted September 12, 2007 11:19 PM         

I take it you are not familiar with Patti Smith?

One of the most powerful and independent voices in music:

http://www.pattismithland.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patti_Smith
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoGdx3I3dPE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_ciiCyxOJA

posted September 12, 2007 11:27 PM         

PSYCHOLOGICAL
HOROSCOPE ANALYSIS
for
Patti Smith,
born 30 Dec 1946

http://www.astro.com/samples/sp_smith_e.htm

posted September 13, 2007 01:02 AM         

In the quiet, watching the wheels spin,
all is seen in raw clarity beyond surfaces, promotion and influence...

the deeper realms are revealed.

posted September 13, 2007 01:53 AM           

If someone said to you " I'm too fat" would you agree with them if you thought they were indeed overweight? Or would you tell them something that would make them feel better about theirself?

Those are white lies. Those are little things that you say to make people feel good about themselves. I personally don't see anything wrong with that. Sometimes in life there are times when being honest is something you have to weigh in your mind according to the circumstances. If telling the truth is going to cause hurt to someone else you have to weigh in your mind and conscience what is more important. Being honest or the feelings of the other person?

What's more important, your honesty in all cases or love, compassion and empathy for the other person? I think there are cases in life when we have to decide that.

posted September 13, 2007 03:02 AM         

But in a gentle, tactful way

"Eliminate the negative, accentuate the positive".

Sometimes it is important to omit the truth when they are of negative thoughts. This way, they are not allowed to become manifest into something worse.

As thumper put it rather eloquently in the film "Bambi":

"If you can't say something nice.......don't say nothing at all".......

So, if this person you know is a friend who values your honest opinion and constructive criticism, you can give your opinion tactfully. However, if it is someone you don't know very well or someone who you know is otherwise highly sensitive, it may be in this case a white lie would be preferable

------------------
If people could only understand and feel the hurt they caused others; there would be NO need for retribution, etc. Empathy/ love is a law unto itself.

posted September 13, 2007 03:37 AM         

------------------
If people could only understand and feel the hurt they caused others; there would be NO need for retribution, etc. Empathy/ love is a law unto itself.

posted September 13, 2007 07:10 AM         

quote:

---

As for honesty in general, do not give unless asked. Do not ask me a question if all you want to hear is a white lie. I will say nothing or tell you the truth, or give my opinion if that is what you ask. Please do not expect me to lie to you and make myself a liar.

---

quote:

---

If one asks "how does my new hair look to you?" My first response would be,if it looked like an electrified poodle on crack to me, would be to answer with a question..."Are you happy with it?"

---

quote:

---

The person would be wise to let it go then and bounce away happily.

---

quote:

---

However...if they persist and then ask, "Oh come on, don't you just love it?" I would say...:It's not the best look for you."

---

quote:

---

And if that upset them and they became angry then
and asked, "so you really do not like it?", I would say not really but if you like it that is all that matters!

---

quote:

---

But then if they kept pushing me, I would ask, "why do you need me to like it?"...

---

quote:

---

But if they they pushed after that point...I would finally tell them exactly what I had been thinking.

---

I seem to get caught in such similar situations too often with some folk.
It is time consuming and annoying when the head game is going on too long.
Please do not ask my honest opinion or the truth, with facts to back it if available, unless that is what you want from me.
Don't ask me to lie to you.
To me if you do that, it shows you have no respect for my integrity nor self respect for yourself. Go see a therapist or psychiatrist to find out why you require lies to be spoon fed to you, and would get angry if a friend refused to do so.
Additionally how will I ever be able to expect and believe anything you ever say again to me? You have proven you prefer lies and proven you lie. At what point would the lying stop? Once one begins doing the little white lies, the don't want to hurt someone's feelings type little lies, it can cascade in time to much more heinous type lies. Lies breed more lies, it becomes a habit.
I'd rather avoid that tangled web altogether.
Diogenes was looking with his lamp for one honest man.
Apparently such is indeed a rare breed, because folks see lying, even over little things as A-OK. They justify it and even consider it kindness.
But a lie is still a lie no matter the motivation or reasons for lying.

PS. Strangers generally do not ask such questions, and if one did, I would say, "Its wild, or I'm not a hair fashion expert", and get away from them ASAP!

posted September 13, 2007 09:07 AM         

quote:

---

If someone asked you what you thought of their new hairdo or outfit or whatever and you really didn't like it would you tell them what you truly thought?

---

quote:

---

Or would you instead consider their feelings and tell them you like it?

---

quote:

---

If someone said to you " I'm too fat" would you agree with them if you thought they were indeed overweight?

---

quote:

---

Or would you tell them something that would make them feel better about theirself?

---

quote:

---

Those are white lies. Those are little things that you say to make people feel good about themselves.

---

quote:

---

What's more important, your honesty in all cases or love, compassion and empathy for the other person? I think there are cases in life when we have to decide that.

---

quote:

---

Honesty, like everything else is not black and white.

---

quote:

---

There are grey areas that call for tact more than honesty.

---

quote:

---

A white lie can't be wrong if the basis for applying it is based on love and caring for the feelings of others.

---

LTT..said:

quote:

---

I would tell them they looked fat or I don't like their hairdo

But in a gentle, tactful way

"Eliminate the negative, accentuate the positive".

---

posted September 13, 2007 01:22 PM           

Part I:

Good answers.

When I asked the questions I was really just giving scenarios. You know Socrates was a great teacher because he taught not by telling others things but instead he would ask them questions and then ask questions again about their answers. In doing that he was letting his pupils figure it out for themselves. He was in the process also learning along with them. That way of teaching often pointed out to others the contradictions in their reasoning. So he was helping his students to form a better reasoning process along the way. Not that I am Socrates.

So LTT, Fayte and I all agree that sometimes in certain cases when it comes to honesty tact needs to be applied.

I asked those two questions because those are normally the type of questions people ask us when they are looking for self affirmation more than our honest opinion.

In the case of a new hairdo I would tell the person who asked me that I liked her hair better longer or shorter as the case may be but that if she likes it that is really all that matters. It does not matter if others do or not.

posted September 13, 2007 01:29 PM           

When it comes to lying there is also the lying of omission - what we don't say when we know in our hearts we should say what we feel is for the good of the other person and because of the effects their behavior may be having on others around them. Should we in fact go ahead and tell them? In those cases, even if we know it will hurt the other person and even anger them we should be honest with them and speak out. That kind of honesty still has love as it's basis because we are attempting to help the other person by making the person aware of patterns of behavior they might not be aware of consciously. Although even in these cases we have to keep in mind that what we determine is for another person's own good may not be. Due to the things that HSC said in his post it may do the other person more harm than good. Even though our intentions were good if it does another more harm than good then being honest is not justified on our part. We should apologize to the person sincerely. It does the person no good for us to tell them we didn't mean to hurt them. The fact is we did hurt them and for that we should aplogize with a sincere heart. At that point only the other's feelings is what should matter. So I do agree fully with what HSC stated along those lines. In instances like that where our honesty hurt someone else the saying, " the road to hell is paved with good intentions" applies.

On the other hand, if we are aware of it and we do not speak out to the person about it we are in effect being a codependent to the person and enabling the behavior to continue effecting not only us but others as well. So when we make the choice to speak out we need to then accept the consequences of it without blaming it on the other person for being angry at us. We have to just accept that anger. There are times when our honesty with others result in consequences we may have to pay that we have to be willing to accept.

Sometimes, as HSC said, if I am perceiving it the way he meant it, being honest with others is not very well received, even though they may themselves value honesty highly. Because in many cases while we may feel it is okay to be directly honest with others, we don't like it when other honest people apply their honesty with us.

Another form of lying is in distorting what others say, and distorting their intentions for having said it. That is not an honest thing to do. Yet often, those of us who may value honesty, do that. In most cases most of us are not intentionally distorting the truth, it's more due to misperception and misunderstanding and running with those. If the other person tells us we are misunderstanding and we still run with it then we are not being either honest with ourselves or the other person. There are people who are are covertly agressive and who use that as one of their tools of manipulation for the sake of controlling others. There are manipulators who practice that as a way of getting what they want. That may be an unconscious pattern some people have developed through life as a coping mechanism and we tend to repeat what we find works for us. It's basically based on a need to control others and situations. That is the time when those people would do well applying their honesty on themselves in coming to recognize their unconscious patterns than misusing their honesty to manipulate others.

Honesty, like everything else, should always be first directed inwardly in ourselves. We should first apply honesty to ourselves.

"How little we know ourselves," the words that GG posted here from Helen Keller, are so very true. The reason that we know ourselves so little is due to our not applying the direct and sometimes even brutal or radical honesty we may value and place on others to ourselves.

As always it comes back to us first. Be more honest with ourselves and come to know ourselves and our own faults before applying that honesty to others and pointing out their faults. That is what Jesus meant when he spoke those words I have said here more than once over 2000 years ago.

The application of honesty, when to and when not to apply it on others is a decision of conscience and for that reason it deals with moral theology.

The intentions of the person may be good. But others cannot know our intentions. They only feel the sting of our words.

But honesty and even brutal honesty needs to first be applied to ourselves before we apply it to others in saying they have not been honest. In doing that we are judging their intentions. We cannot know the intentions of others. Mainly because we don't truly know ourselves and for that reason in many cases we don't even know what our true intentions may be. In applying that direct honesty to ourselves we may be pained to discover a pattern of behavior that is not based on good intentions as we thought but instead is based our control issues or is a defense mechanism of some kind from childhood. That is why "the road to hell ( not only for ourselves but others who we hurt ) are paved with good intentions."

It's for this reason that I feel even if our intentions were good and we meant no harm, and even if what we said may have been misunderstood and distorted by the other person, we should still tell them we are sorry. We should be sorry any time we hurt others even if we feel or know our intentions were not to do that. We lose nothing. The other person gains because we have validated their feelings. Because feelings are always valid, even when we may feel we were right and know we have been misunderstood. The feelings of the other person may be based on their misunderstanding of our intentions or what we said, but their feelings are no less valid.

When we make excuses for ourselves and try to justify what we said or why we said it all it succeeds in doing is invalidating the feelings of others. It is in a since telling them " your feelings are not valid" because that is not the way I meant it. We lose nothing, except maybe our ego's need to be right all the time, by simply saying "I probably did what you are telling me I did because I know I can be like that at times and I am truly sorry for hurting you."

Once my pastor, Father Jerry and I had a misunderstanding that hurt me. I told him how I felt by his actions. At the next parish council meeting he and I were alone in the room as I arrived early to make the coffee. He came in and he walked up to me and said, " I probably did do what you said because I know I can be like that at times and I am sorry." He then gave me a big hug. I then told him I probably misunderstood his actions and words and I know he has a lot on his plate with his mother's illness and all.

The meeting went on but on the way home in my car I cried because Father Jerry was the first person in my life to actually validate my feelings. He did not justify his actions with explanations of why he did that or said that, he simply validated my feelings. For the first time in my life and it touched me so very deeply. It also taught me a lesson about myself, about how many times I did not simply validate the feelings of the other person who I unintentionally hurt. I still haven't developed the good pattern of doing that. I am still working on coming to the spiritual point that Fr. Jerry had reached in his journey that made him able to do that. But his actions touched my soul because he did not feel the need to defend or justify himself. He simply validated my feelings and because not even my own family does that and I don't do that with them either, what he did for me that night is something I will never forget and continue to work on the rest of my life. His actions were based on love for others. Not on his own ego.

When we determine that someone else is lying isn't that a judgment call on our part?

Isn't that in fact judging the intentions of the other person? Can we know their true intentions to be able to do that?

Being honest when we feel what has happened due to the insecurties of the other person or persons, isn't that an instance on our part of not validating the feelings of others due to our ego's need to be right and justified?

posted September 13, 2007 01:42 PM         

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Part I:

Good answers.

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So LTT, Fayte and I all agree that sometimes in certain cases when it comes to honesty tact needs to be applied.

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If someone should keep pressing after my repy regarding their hair I would know for sure that the person was seeking self affirmation due to low self-confidence and then I might tell her a white lie to give her the affirmation she needs. " Your hair looks fine. " I lose nothing in doing that but she gains the affirmation she needs. In those instances if my telling another a little white lie lifts their confidence and makes them feel good about theirselves I see nothing wrong with compromising my honesty a bit for their benefit.

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Again, no lying to me. I'd rather be spat on or b!tch slapped than lied to.

posted September 13, 2007 01:49 PM           

I have afterwards when they told me I hurt them invalidated their feelings by justifying my honesty with them.

I have not always acted out of love but instead out of anger and irritation. I should have withheld my honesty in those cases.

For that reason when I say here on this thread that I am sorry for all those I have hurt unintentionally or intentionally in strking back at you out of my own hurt and anger at your words, I sincerely mean that I am sorry.

Whether any of you accept my apology or believe my sincerity in apologizing is up to you. I have no control of that. My sincerity is known by myself and God. That is all that matters really. For God knows me better than I do and he knows my intentions better than I do. That applies to all of us.

One more thing. It is not up to others to test me to see if I actually have changed or am truly trying to change. Change does not happen overnight. We have to continually be reinforcing our desire to truly change and we all backslide at times. It is not up to others to test and judge. It's up to God to do those things. It's up to me to test and judge myself.

And it is up to everyone else to do that within themselves instead of directing it outwardly on others. Perhaps in testing others resolve to change or their changes we are unconsciously hoping that they do fail, that they do backslide so we can point it out to them and thereby prove ourselves to be right and in doing that we are actually getting joy out the weaknesses and failings of others.

It's okay that you disagree with some of the things I said, Fayte. After all our thoughts and opinons about these types of things come from within our own consciences and we all have differently formed consciences. We all have different opinions and feelings about things due to our conscience.

posted September 13, 2007 02:07 PM           

I'm sorry, honey. Your feelings are always valid because you are feeling that way for a reason and only you know within yourself where those feelings are coming from. Does not matter for what you feel the way you do at any given time. All that matters is your feelings and feelings are always valid no matter what they may be based on.

I love you with all my heart and soul.