Posts: 1128
From: Pa, US
Registered: Jul 2002

posted October 24, 2007 06:49 PM         

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Please help me to rephrase these words in poetry form and more sweeter -

Walked with you like a shadow, unnoticed
If you stop, you can see me right there
When the sun will dawn, I will go away,
If you stop, you will not find me anyway

Thank you!

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Posts: 623
From: South Africa
Registered: Jun 2007

posted October 24, 2007 07:46 PM         

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Like a shadow, I walk beside you unnoticed
You only needed to stop to see me there
For when the sun dawns, I shall no longer be here
Your late efforts lain to waste, for yesterday you should have focused

*the last line sucks because I was trying to make it rhyme, but I am sure you can improve that. I'll edit if I come up with something*

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Posts: 2528
From: California, USA
Registered: Oct 2006

posted October 24, 2007 07:53 PM         

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Both are beautiful!

Unnoticed, I walk beside you as only a shadow
When you pause, you'll surely see me right there.
Then the sun will dawn, I shall no longer be here
If you stop then to look, I will be nowhere

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Posts: 1128
From: Pa, US
Registered: Jul 2002

posted October 24, 2007 08:21 PM         

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Thank you Unmoved!
Thank you yourfriendinSpirit!

They are so lovely now!
I am so happy.

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Posts: 1128
From: Pa, US
Registered: Jul 2002

posted October 24, 2007 08:22 PM         

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Yes, last line looks bit pinchy.

Can we make it more softer.

Thank you!

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Posts: 623
From: South Africa
Registered: Jun 2007

posted October 24, 2007 08:25 PM         

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Yes... LOL

The last line was not even rephrased, it was a new line all together. LOL... I will work on it.

YFIS - nice, and you kept to the rules...

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Posts: 1128
From: Pa, US
Registered: Jul 2002

posted October 24, 2007 08:30 PM         

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Then may be I can drop this line.

Do these three lines would make sense.

Thank you for helping me!

I am learning too.

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Posts: 1409
From:
Registered: May 2004

posted October 25, 2007 01:55 PM         

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I'll give it a shot, but it strays away from the original meanining:

I will walk with you like a shadow, unnoticed
If you stop, you will see me right here
Then the sun will go down
And when you turn around
You will feel that I have disappeared.

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Posts: 1128
From: Pa, US
Registered: Jul 2002

posted October 25, 2007 10:29 PM         

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Thank you Yin for your inputs!

Now I have already sent top 3 lines to the person for whom I wrote those lines to convey my message.

May be next time I will ask for help with my other feeling in the form of poetry.

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