Author
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Topic: rephrase...
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sVirgo Knowflake Posts: 1128 From: Pa, US Registered: Jul 2002
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posted October 24, 2007 06:49 PM
Please help me to rephrase these words in poetry form and more sweeter -Walked with you like a shadow, unnoticed If you stop, you can see me right there When the sun will dawn, I will go away, If you stop, you will not find me anyway Thank you!
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Unmoved Knowflake Posts: 623 From: South Africa Registered: Jun 2007
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posted October 24, 2007 07:46 PM
Like a shadow, I walk beside you unnoticed You only needed to stop to see me there For when the sun dawns, I shall no longer be here Your late efforts lain to waste, for yesterday you should have focused*the last line sucks because I was trying to make it rhyme, but I am sure you can improve that. I'll edit if I come up with something*
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yourfriendinspirit Moderator Posts: 2528 From: California, USA Registered: Oct 2006
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posted October 24, 2007 07:53 PM
Both are beautiful!Unnoticed, I walk beside you as only a shadow When you pause, you'll surely see me right there. Then the sun will dawn, I shall no longer be here If you stop then to look, I will be nowhere IP: Logged |
sVirgo Knowflake Posts: 1128 From: Pa, US Registered: Jul 2002
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posted October 24, 2007 08:21 PM
Thank you Unmoved! Thank you yourfriendinSpirit!They are so lovely now! I am so happy.
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sVirgo Knowflake Posts: 1128 From: Pa, US Registered: Jul 2002
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posted October 24, 2007 08:22 PM
Yes, last line looks bit pinchy.Can we make it more softer. Thank you! IP: Logged |
Unmoved Knowflake Posts: 623 From: South Africa Registered: Jun 2007
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posted October 24, 2007 08:25 PM
Yes... LOL The last line was not even rephrased, it was a new line all together. LOL... I will work on it. YFIS - nice, and you kept to the rules... ![](http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/smile.gif) IP: Logged |
sVirgo Knowflake Posts: 1128 From: Pa, US Registered: Jul 2002
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posted October 24, 2007 08:30 PM
Then may be I can drop this line.Do these three lines would make sense. Thank you for helping me! I am learning too. IP: Logged |
Yin Knowflake Posts: 1409 From: Registered: May 2004
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posted October 25, 2007 01:55 PM
I'll give it a shot, but it strays away from the original meanining:I will walk with you like a shadow, unnoticed If you stop, you will see me right here Then the sun will go down And when you turn around You will feel that I have disappeared. IP: Logged |
sVirgo Knowflake Posts: 1128 From: Pa, US Registered: Jul 2002
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posted October 25, 2007 10:29 PM
Thank you Yin for your inputs!Now I have already sent top 3 lines to the person for whom I wrote those lines to convey my message. May be next time I will ask for help with my other feeling in the form of poetry. IP: Logged |