posted January 31, 2008 10:04 PM         

One student turned in the following book report, he said that they were
nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report . Here's his comparison:

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bull**** artist .

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :.... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :.... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

posted January 31, 2008 10:21 PM         

Cute!!!

Would have be hilarious to see the professor's face while he read this, LOL!

posted January 31, 2008 11:32 PM         

Here's another one. About the way it is too!!! LOL

Heaven or Hell?

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and ! clubhou se, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

posted February 01, 2008 12:17 AM         

Yes! Yes! Now this was F U N N Y !!!

Love it, LOL!

posted February 02, 2008 07:32 AM         

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a republican engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, your presentation is direct, to the point with no fluff or BS, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be a democrat manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my fault."

posted February 02, 2008 07:38 AM         

President Bush, Dan Quayle, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him.

First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart." So the Wizard said, "So be it."

Second was Dan Quayle. He told the Wizard, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain." The Wizard said, "So be it."

Third to ask the Wizard was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence, and I lack conviction. I wish to have some courage." The Wizard granted this wish as well.

posted February 02, 2008 10:36 AM         

The first one is very, very true.

posted February 03, 2008 08:48 AM         

Thanks for the laugh there Dervish!!!!