posted May 17, 2008 01:23 PM         

This really is one of the hardest situations in life. There are a lot of schools of thought on this.

It really depends how awful she is. If she's completely ruining your life then you might have to change jobs.

If she's somewhat reasonable you may be able to talk to her, tell her what shes doing is upsetting you. Would she respond to that or would she get defensive?

Another way is to just project kindness and love towards her all the time, do a favor for her, buy her a gift, see what happens.

posted May 17, 2008 01:35 PM         

I`m sorry you are involved in this, it sucks.

posted May 17, 2008 09:42 PM         

BR, you hit the nail on the head when you said it's taxing to put up that kind of wall. YES! It is.

Sadly, I love this job and things were going well for a while. She's always been (strangely) competitive with me from the first day-- weird bc we have the same job title, but handle different ends of the office work and she makes more $$ than I do. I don't get it at all.

Thanks for your replies though. (Hello Pix... still haven't figured out how to email you. Do you myspace? It might be easier for me to find you there to start.)

posted May 18, 2008 09:06 AM         

These people are often desperate to be popular, and kiss up to those in charge. What they says goes - absolutely. There is no room for negotiation or consideration of other people's feelings. I'm actually living in a house with 8 other people at the moment and one girl in particular is like this. The issue concerns noise levels - these people are up at all hours of the night yabbering and playing loud music etc. and seem to think it's their divine right. A lot of the time they get away with it because no-one dares to say they're *not nice* or their behaviour is unacceptable, as they have formed a little sort of "popular" clique. I lost my rag at them last night - big-time - although I'm not sure whether complaining directly to offending persons more than about 3 times is a good idea or will make a difference, as they themselves have no intention of changing and their response often tends to be "f- you" and they may just laugh, because the fact is they don't care.

ONE way they could be made to care, however, is having the tables turned on them, AND complaining to higher-ups. Don't worry about complaining to your boss, just say that all her antics are preventing you from doing your job properly. If he says "she's nice", provide actual concrete examples (with dates and times) of exactly what she does and how it is preventing you doing your job, so her behaviour can be called into question. She's not an Aqua by any chance, is she?

I did a bit of table-turning early this morning (Sunday); raging from 2 months' lack of sleep, I stomped up and down the staircase so it sounded like WWII was going on, slammed doors, turned the washing machine and dryer on, and played prog-rock and dance music on my computer at a deafening volume - deliberately. The others proceeded to switch my electricity off, so I promptly switched it on again and switched theirs off.

This somewhat childish behaviour is out of character for me, but it was SOOO good to give them a taste of their own medicine. I have also reported them to the landlord and *happened to mention* that a nucleus of them also smoke pot. HA!!

Occasionally it could pay to be a little bit nasty...

Love,

Xena

posted May 18, 2008 12:40 PM         

Are these people actually your roommates or do they just live in a separate unit in your building?

posted May 18, 2008 02:03 PM         

I don't have the option of going to the boss-- they're buddies along with Gem's Aqua sister. Boss is an Aries who really seems bound by their manipulations bc of the ego-strokes that go along with it.

I've scheduled two meetings with her to discuss Gem, but they've been conveniently cancelled.

It's a situation that won't do me any good to confront-- I really am kind of a lone ship in this situation, which is a sucky feeling. However, it's good for me to be stuck in this for now bc it's clear to me that I have some lessons to learn in dealing with these types of people, even if only on the inside.

A little personal backstory to this: growing up I had a hell of a time dealing with this kind of thing from my mother. As a child you end up internalizing these things which can be (and was) very damaging. I feel like this may have been put in front of me so I can learn to deal with it in a new way-- by not automatically internalizing it, and therefore saving my self-esteem from the attacks.

I know that this is one thing in my life that I need to overcome, and wouldn't you know, I've been plunked right down in the middle of it with no solution but to quit. Sadly I waited a long time for this job and really love it. But it's not going to work for me with these people. I'm looking for another job and in the meantime I'll be trying to learn any *karmic* lessons that are coming my way.

posted May 19, 2008 12:09 AM         

I haven't been around here in a while, and I haven't posted in even longer! I remember you from the original 'post your pic here' thread that was on ffa. You had said a nice comment about my pic once upon a time...

Anyhoo your post was one that I could relate to. I have had a similar experience in a small office too.

I think that Ms Gem feels threatened by you. Probably the only reason is simply because you came into 'her space'. From her point of view, this is her job, and her space, and you are the new girl who is 'invading' her space. She is trying to assert her dominance by testing your boundaries. It's funny how humans can sometimes act like animals, instinctively and/or unconsciously! You said that you guys are opposite Suns so energetically that is another layer to what she is picking up on and feeling threatened by.

When she does 'things that seem innocent just to get a rise out of you' is when you should confront her in my opinion. If you are to angry, wait 'till you've cooled off, then say something to her in a non-heated, matter-of-fact way. Don't worry about if 'she wins' because retaining your sanity in a job that you stated you really like is more important than who 'wins'.

I also think it's not a good idea to go above her head and talk to the boss about her at this time. Confront her 1st and if that doesn't work then make a meeting with the boss. In a small office you need to be able to work well together regardless of how you personally feel about each other.

Just worry about keeping your own vibration high any way you can. Every night before you go to bed remove her energetic cording to you (we all get corded to our co-workers because we see them everyday and have to cooperate with them). I like to 'plug people into the Sun' because that is an energy source that I have found that they do not notice the difference (You ever have an old phone # from someone you used to be friends with, then you decide to throw it away and they call you w/in like a few days?? That's just 1 example of trying to remove someone's cording and them noticing the 'pull' away and trying to reconnect).

If you can afford it, I also recommend that you get some Fringed Violet flower essence. It helps heal any damage to your aura, helps with distress, and gives psychic protection. In this type of situation you can become exhausted and it really is like being assaulted all day long. It will help you not absorb any of her 'stuff'.

One more thing you can bring to work is Black Tourmaline. Just buy a couple and put them in your pocket or get one of those pouch necklaces.

Ultimately, you've recognized the lesson and now it's just up to you on how you greet it. The fact that you've recognized it means you are just about finished with it. Things come up over and over again, with a different cast of characters, until we can cease to re-act to it. Mind your own vibe, speak your piece with peace - meaning confront her when you are not pi$$ed and see if you can work things out. She is probably acting unconsciously and it isn't personal (I sure know that the illusion can make things seem damn personal but don't be fooled!)

Like attracts like. Try sending her love and changing the way you think of her. Either her vibe will come up to meet yours, or one of you will leave. One cannot stay for long when the vibes do not match.

posted May 19, 2008 12:38 AM         

I've tried to talk to her before and she blows up-- going off-topic and making totally false accusations-- just like my mother did. She even looks eerily like she did while I was growing up. My mom and I are good now, but we've thrown the past under the rug and moved on. She knows what she did wrong and I know she's trying to make up for it now, so I don't mind letting it go.

The truth is, I get so much anxiety every time I think of trying to talk to her because her tirades are so exhausting. But I will have to face it sooner or later and I've made up my mind to stay at this job at least until I've faced up to the issue.

I appreciate your advice and will certainly put it to use. I'm waiting and watching now for a good time to go through that door.

Everyone's support on this has been great for me. I really need it right now and I hope it will help carry me through this lesson.

Thank you and I will keep you updated.

posted May 19, 2008 12:52 AM         

Hi Hexxie -- you've been missed!!

posted May 19, 2008 10:25 AM         

Seriously, though, how did those meetings get cancelled? You should absolutely insist on them.

Funny what you say about your mother, my mother and I have recently found ourselves having a more constructive relationship.

BR, these people are housemates of mine. No-one has spoken to me since Sunday morning...hee hee... It doesn't pay to p*ss an Aries off!

I got rid of some of my frustration by going to a friend's gig and drawing the *graphic novel* version of *High Jinks (or should that be Jinx) at Home* . Ha, ha!

Bunnies, wish I'd seen that programme...what I find hilarious is how the women in our house kiss up to the men all the time....kinda "mustn't upset the men" attitude, as in, not disagreeing during a discussion (or remaining silent), over-mothering, etc, etc. Amazing.

Love and hugs to you, Future,

posted May 19, 2008 08:16 PM         

I love the story about the monkeys. I just imagine her as one and it helps put things into perspective.

And I love the rest of the stories about your own experiences and how you've dealt with them. Thirteen, I would LOVE to ask her the same question. I don't know if I have the nerve to do it. Good for you! I will remember this the next time she starts up. Who knows-- maybe I'll find the pluck to pull it off.

Xena-- has it been uncomfortable for you? I can almost hear the silence. How are you coping with it?

I find that I don't have any problem disagreeing with or asserting myself with people I find to be reasonable. It's the not-so-reasonable ones that throw me off my game. I hate feeling that way (and hate admitting it here even more, but truth is important, so there it is!)

I'm generally a strong person, but standing up for myself in these situations has always been very difficult for me.

posted May 21, 2008 10:18 AM         

I did wonder whether anyone would talk to me again, but people have started - amazingly!!! I think what people need sometimes is a good old whipping into shape!!

posted May 22, 2008 06:11 AM         

quote:

---

F_U:
I really am kind of a lone ship in this situation, which is a sucky feeling.

One of her complaints is that I'm "too nice."

---

i think Hexxie is right on the money. she feels threatened. she's threatened by you being "too nice".

quote:

---

I feel like this may have been put in front of me so I can learn to deal with it in a new way-- by not automatically internalizing it, and therefore saving my self-esteem from the attacks

My mom and I are good now, but we've thrown the past under the rug and moved on. She knows what she did wrong and I know she's trying to make up for it now, so I don't mind letting it go.

---

may be the lesson is to learn to let go even though others don't try to make up for it. don't understand your logic, unlike your mum. but hexxie gave good solutions. and there's not only one rationalisation of life. respect (and love?) is possible even to someone whith whom you dont share the same rationalization. you might even be surprised by her own way of rationalizing reality and get to love her for that. who knows?

posted May 22, 2008 12:30 PM         

I hope things have been...bearable... for you.

Don't forget that you (we) create your own reality. Do not resist the flow of what's happening to you, just observe. Just because your mind thinks something is bad doesn't mean that it is as it seems. The mind just calculates good and bad based on past data it has collected!
~~~

"Life is the movie you see through your own eyes. It makes little difference what's happening out there. It's how you take it that counts." -Denis Waitley

"When you affirm your own rightness in the universe, then you co-operate with others easily and automatically as part of your own nature. You, being yourself, help others be themselves. Because you recognize your own uniqueness you will not need to dominate others, nor cringe before them." -Jane Roberts

"I do not expect anything from others, so their actions cannot be in opposition to wishes of mine." -Swami Sri Yukteswar

"You make yourself and others suffer just as much when you take offense as when you give offense." -Ken Keyes, Jr

"A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror." -Ken Keyes, Jr

"Realize that you cannot help a soul unless that soul really wants help and is ready to be helped. I tell you to send that soul nothing but Love and more Love. Be still and wait, but be there when that soul turns for help." -Eileen Caddy

"Do not take life's experiences too seriously. Above all, do not let them hurt you, for in reality they are nothing but dream experiences... If circumstances are bad and you have to bear them, do not make them a part of yourself. Play your part in life, but never forget that it is only a role." -Paramahansa Yogananda

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women, merely players; they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts." -Shakespeare

Ok, so I guess I went a little overboard with quotes, but I love them. I hope that maybe one or two will resonate with you and lend you some energetic help!!