posted June 18, 2008 05:30 PM              

ghanima-

I can 100% relate to you about trying to get dressed up and getting really frustrated. I often throw things at the mirror or slam things around in the bathroom and get very crabby. It scares my boyfriend a little and i've tried to talk to him about my feelings of insecurity but mostly he just gives me blank stares and tells me he has no idea what i'm talking about. He's a sweetie ;D It also stems back to childhood for me too. In high school all the boys liked me friends, never me. In retrospect I think this was because I was HIGHLY insecure and closed myself off from the opposite sex, always assuming off the bat that I was too ugly for them to ever fancy me, while my friends were flirty and open.

I really do think it's different for guys, too. Most girls are not as shallow and superficial as some guys are and hold certain personality characteristics in a higher esteem than just looks alone.

posted June 18, 2008 06:59 PM            

One girl I knew was voted somewhere in the top three for Best Looking Girl, I can't remember what number. She was sitting in my room and got very emotional about this and said: can't they see I've got terrible acne? I have to take medication.

posted June 18, 2008 07:17 PM              

You post struck a chord inside of me because where you were in your twenties is exactly where I am today. My nose is a huge pain in the butt as far as i'm concerned and I've actually been researching plastic surgery and the financing options to get rhinoplasty. And like your ex, my boyfriend is totally against it. I have no idea why though. If it would make me happier, then why can't he be supportive?

I envy you about just letting it go, I would feel so much more at ease with myself if I could do the same.

posted June 18, 2008 08:31 PM            

This is what I wanted to get to the core of. Doesn't it feel awful? It's unbearable because there's nothing you can do to "fix" it besides change your outlook which, at the time, only feels like telling yourself a load of bs. Simultaneously you know that in the whole scheme of things it shouldn't matter.

But it does.

posted June 18, 2008 11:55 PM              

quote:

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If it would make me happier, then why can't he be supportive?

---

That's exactly how I used to feel! But they feel that way because they already think we're beautiful - regardless of how it seems sometimes, if a man really loves you he's not focused on those minor superficial things. My own current bf doesn't like his nose very much - and if he decided to get surgery on it I admit I would try to talk him out of it, because I think it would be silly when his nose is part of him the way it is. I get really surprised when somebody comments on my looks, and I do get really good compliments... they are obviously not focusing on my nose, or my lack of defined cheekbones, my crooked front teeth, or ANYTHING like that - so why should I?

Oh, also - I did used to have a very large birthmark on my neck which I had removed when I was 16. There's still a scar which I cover every day with makeup. On one hand, having such a thing during my most vulnerable years did make me self-conscious and it seemed like a really unfair thing - but on the other hand I've always counted myself lucky that I didn't have anything more severe to deal with. And I count myself lucky that I was able to get the birthmark removed and that I look more normal now. So really, I look around and see girls with severe birthmarks on their faces, major acne (I had acne in my twenties) or a girl I went to school with was in a fire and had half her face melted as well as she ended up with a deformed hand. We don't have to deal with anything like that. We're the lucky ones and when you see other people dealing with those things (how do you cope when half your face is melted off in a fire?!), then our own little quibbles about minor imperfections seem, well... self-indulgent.

And the boobs... recently I had to have a needle biopsy because the doctor found a lump. It was benign thank God. But that showed me even more... who CARES about having big boobs. I'm just grateful that they're healthy.

posted June 19, 2008 12:10 AM            

Having down days when you're tired or don't feel well and look in the mirror and it's reflecting back what you feel inside. It's like yuck let's just get on with this day, shall we?

I know that when I meet a person, it doesn't matter their looks; after I get to know them and I begin to see the person inside only and the outside seems to fade. I notice what they look like but their looks don't impact me. It's their spirit and energy I'm relating to.

posted June 22, 2008 02:41 AM              

There's a reason why I have never posted a picture on LL.

I am ugly. I am not looking for pity, when I say that. I have always been the "ugly friend."
Ladies- let's be honest- we tend to judge our worth by the reflections we receive from others, especially the menfolk...

I have been told, straight out, by a man I was sleeping with/sort of dating-
"you are fantastic. you are brilliant, funny, and great in bed. I have more in common with you than any girl I have ever met. But I can't be with you because you aren't hot enough."

Uh-huh. That's my life.
Being a Libra Moon myself, the greatest superficial tragedy of my life is that I was born ugly. It doesn't matter that I am smart, fun, and a great lover. What matters is that I am not beautiful. And I hate the world for it.

So yes, I hear you. And I will hazard the guess that your moments of ugliness are just blips on the radar (not to diminish your feelings, not at all- everyone has those ugly days) but in comparison to someone who is, truly ugly....its hard to be happy with life when you are trapped in a physical state that you cannot change.

posted June 22, 2008 03:47 AM            

...and remember grass is greener on the other side but hardships fall on all.

posted June 22, 2008 06:22 AM              

talk bout it, venus conj chiron in a yod to neptune and pluto...
enough work for 10 lives ...finding my inner uglies, healing them and turning them into beauty ....my school mates have a hard time believing its me when we cross paths.

my face changed so radically as i transformed my inner dark...my eyes were small and beady now they look doe-ish. my skin was pale and sickly now its bright and healthy. strangers on the street tell me i have a beautiful smile...

posted June 22, 2008 02:36 PM              

*For the record, I look pretty normal, actually. I don't feel envious of people with money or wisdom or talent (well, sometimes, but not in any way that affects my life) but the beauty thing cuts a lot deeper than it should.*

I am, apparently, beautiful (so people say), but I get very jealous of people with money/a big wage packet.

Also, I never really used to think I was beautiful. I look OK. Not supermodel status (too short) but "I am enough". Was very ugly as a kid. But I guess I looked as kids are supposed to look.

Look at a book called "Earthly Remains", about the science of decomposition. That will reiterate the point that we all look the same eventually.

Love,

posted June 22, 2008 11:35 PM            

I think some of the problem has been growing up with negative feedback (from parents) and that's always hard to really truly overcome. It still happens to this day. I'm 31, I've had two children and I weigh 130 lb. Until about four years ago I weighed between 115 and 120. I'm 5'5" and my weight is normal, but when I get around my family they make fat jokes, which I think is ridiculous, but still hard to deal with. I'm glad I'm coming to terms with that, but the rest of it started when I was young so it's more deeply embedded.

Early conditioning is so very very hard to erase.

I will say, though, that I am feeling better after bringing it into the open here. I realize that the problem is internal and making that change is complicated. I hope that some of you are finding some solace through this discussion. It's hard to talk about it but I think it's important.

posted June 23, 2008 05:05 AM            

In my case it was comments about whether I'd be any good at running a house and having kids. Nice. Then I had children and did fine. But there was still that confidence thing that needed to be overcome.

This website helped ~ finding out I have Sun CNJ Ceres. It's in Gemini ~ not at all the 50s housewife ideal, but that's not me. I really thought about it, and it helped a lot.

And I tell myself there are only 2 people get to judge me on this and they seem satisfied at my efforts.

Now I feel like I have done with worrying about what other people think of my parenting skills. To get it into my own head that I am perfectly capable of looking after kids, I invited the naughtiest boy in school home for a play date. He was alright. He's coming again this week.

I did a similar tactic with driving. I got fed up with people (in my family) laughing and saying I was hopeless. So I drove a round trip of a few hundred miles and that killed off my lack of confidence for good.

Not sure what could be done for uglies, but there must be a similar strategy. The scariest thing you can think of will probably be it.

posted June 23, 2008 06:10 PM            

Thank you for sharing.

posted June 24, 2008 04:53 AM            

I look ok I think, I am told, but it's believing it is the problem. And I can't forget odd comments from the past where someone told me I had a stringy neck, and another that I had no ankles. I didn't wear a skirt for about 15 years because of that one.

What changed my attitude was using my body differently. I started cycling and walking and suddenly saw myself in a different way. My body became useful.

posted June 24, 2008 05:37 AM            

Looks is a common one because it is so obvious, so visual. But it extends into other areas of life.