posted August 08, 2008 10:59 AM         

As you said, she's a grown woman and you don't owe her anything but your love and support. Out of the kindness of your heart you offered to her all that you had to offer and she didn't have the decency to respect that. This may be just the lesson she needs to learn how to do that.

By making her face her decisions you are loving and supporting your daughter. Therefore, your job is done.

Just a tip-- don't allow yourself to get caught up in any of her verbal backlash. Don't engage in that with her. She is acting like a spoiled child and she is looking for a reaction. Don't give in.

You don't have to be negative toward her, just firm. She'll eventually come around when she sees that you won't allow her to mistreat you. And that's one of the best things you can ever do for your child.

posted August 08, 2008 11:23 AM         

I feel for you! I'm not generally a tough love person, but I have a thing for respect.

posted August 08, 2008 04:36 PM         

I am going to edit this post, as it even seems rediculas to me.

but...

posted August 09, 2008 09:32 PM         

I'm glad you feel so welcome here. It's really a cozy little place.

posted August 10, 2008 08:12 AM         

I didnt read your original - but whatever it was, children need to be reminded of their boundaries and as a parent being pushed over the line - well that's okay too. Children need to see the human side of adults.

The up side of Pluto in 5th is a natural ability with children!!! Keep up the good work sunshine lion!!

your friend - koiflower

posted August 10, 2008 09:40 AM         

i am from a cultural setting where children are not encouraged to become independent when they turn 18. in my country, it's the parents (unwritten) obligation to provide for all the child's need until he/she graduates from college/university. our parents have only one rule: "as long as you live with your parents, you should obey them. when you are able to stand on your own two feet, you can do anything you want". when we finish school and get jobs, the roles are reversed: it's our turn to take care of our parents.

i am not a parent, but i am aware that it's a tough job especially in a single parent household, you have to be both mom and dad.

i believe what experts say that the child's first 7 years (formative years) is the most crucial part of his life. after that age, their ways are already set, so we should try to instill good values in them while they are young.

i am with MM, writesomething and future_uncertain in saying that you did nothing wrong. but i think you need to tell her why you did what you did. maybe you could write her a letter or something. otherwise, she will see you as the bad guy. take care and i hope everything goes well.

posted August 10, 2008 06:20 PM         

I didn't read your original post, but I get the gist of it from replies and your responses.....

I understand what happens when good-natured generosity (the innate Leo attribute) gets constantly taken advantage of. I'm guessing you popped your cork about the cherries, as you *should* have!! There's no reason for you to take abuse from your children or anyone else!!

"Spoiled Brat" is probably a good moniker for your daughter -- I know, I have a 12yo son something like her. I didn't want him to lack for anything, and now he thinks he can have everything he sees, and take anything of mine that he wishes to use. We're working *very* hard on boundaries at our house right now He's also getting quite an education on money, where it comes from, and how much it costs to buy all those things that he just HAS to have because other kids have them. He tells his little friends "we're too poor to have an X-Box" -- whether for sympathy, or just to get his digs in at me, I don't know :-D

I actually think it's good for kids to see you (once in a while) lose your temper, and show that you're human and your not perfect. Then apologize (like an adult) after doing so, after you've calmed down and the lava from the eruption has hardened :-D The few times that I have gone ballistic scared the p!ss out of my kid (he ran for his bed and cowered under his blankets ) As long as you don't hit them or call them nasty names, a volcanic eruption like that can clear the air and start everyone off with a clean slate. I think the letter-idea is a good one. Either that, or set a time when you sit down with daughter and lay out the rules of *YOUR* house and what she will do to comply, otherwise you will change the locks and she can go stay with her BF's family ;-)) Make it a 2-way discussion, where the ground rules are that no one will raise their voice or call names, but still express their opinions.

The hardest part is sticking to your guns, and standing up for yourself and your RULES, especially when you're tired or overwhelmed from work or other responsibilities.....

Another thing -- I'm sorry if it sounds harsh and hardhearted, but you might try ceasing the dog-feeding. It won't kill them to go without food for a few days and it will be an example (eye-opener??) for the kids who think that Mom takes responsibility for everything, including supporting THEIR pets.

This will be difficult Sunshine, but in a few years, and after your kids have been out on their own for awhile (hopefully!!), all of a sudden you're going to seem really smart to those kids, instead of Mom who doesn't know anything and just makes their lives difficult by asking them for respect and to share a little bit of the responsibilities for the upkeep of a household and its members.

Do you do their laundry, vacuum their rooms, etc?? Stop.
Let the fridge get empty. Tell them you're not buying any more food for them until they start lending a hand with the household chores, and giving Mom RESPECT instead of SASS.

posted August 10, 2008 10:19 PM         

Caveat: people WILL tend to walk all over you if you let them. (I know you know this ) You know that if you give an inch, kids tend to take a mile

We have one of the hardest jobs in the world as single parents, and there's all kinds of parenting seminars, books and classes -- but in the end, you intuitively know what's going to work with your kid. The rest is just planning, setting your goal and writing your rules in stone, and sticking to your guns one day at a time.....

You know, there was a time when I was so frustrated with my son, and he pushed ALL my buttons, disrespected me and ignored me, and went on his merry way. One day we drove past a dark scary-looking old building and I told him, "You know CJ, that's the school where I'm going to send you if you won't listen to Mom. If you don't like it at our house, and don't like the chores I ask you to do, then you can go to school there. And by the way, you have to sleep there too and Mom will only visit once a week." His eyes got all big (I had his attention ) and things got better after that, as I reminded him continuously that there were things that he had to do in exchange for the privilege of living in *MY* house -- otherwise I would take him to his NEW home. He still grumbles these days when I ask him to do something, but his respectfulness and compliance is much much better. My boy has an Aries stellium (Sun, Mercury, Mars) -- it was so funny the other day when I was taking him to daycamp and asking him to please be respectful and listen to the grownups there -- his response was a thoughtful, "Mom, I don't take orders very well."