posted October 13, 2008 10:48 PM         

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I'm not really sure how to deal with the Rafe SN/Pluto thing. Because you know what I think of him. He gets loads of points for the airline stewardess thing - but he's still too boring for me. A personality like mine would overwhelm him. I'm not loud - but I am strong. Sexually - it would just be sex - and not all that good for me. He could never take me where I need to go. That's what i see when i go there in my head. There's just no sparks - no chemistry. He's restrictive, inhibiting.

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posted October 13, 2008 10:56 PM         

He's cold. He's not loving or affectionate. There's no warm place in him. I'm certain he's passionate and volcanic. But he's not warm-hearted.

In the end of it - when you see/sense/feel the energies of Kiefer or Colin - they have warmth to them. Rafe just doesn't.

posted October 13, 2008 11:15 PM         

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I was like that when I was younger. And i don't want to dishearten you by telling you that. But if you're going to sacrifice yourself in love - make sure the person you are giving yourself to is pure of intention. Because if you choose the wrong person - or think something is more than it is - they will eat you alive - there are predators out there who can spot that easily. These people will take everything you're willing to give to them. And it's not like they even are aware of it. It's just that they need so much love - have been deprived of it - or sexual freedom - in some way - that you are their freedom - and they'll consume you. Make sure the person is giving to you equally.

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This will sound strange- but i know that. And more or less, i need that. I need someone to suck me dry. I feel this need to be torn asunder. I.. i truly cannot explain it and i don't know why i have this goal of almost self-destruction but... i want it. With the "Paul" incident (Determing Mutual Feelings) that's exactly what happened. I was eaten alive by someone who took everything i had to give but was not capable of giving it back. I knew that while i was going through it, and i didn't care. Even though i am no good for anyone now, i wouldn't have changed one second of it. He tore me up, but it was supposed to happen. It was meant to be like that.

posted October 13, 2008 11:21 PM         

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I think there is a connection to Rafe. But I can't define it. I don't hate him with passion. That would indicate love somewhere in the past. I need to look at a pic of him and see where my mind goes.
He's cold. He's not loving or affectionate. There's no warm place in him. I'm certain he's passionate and volcanic. But he's not warm-hearted.

In the end of it - when you see/sense/feel the energies of Kiefer or Colin - they have warmth to them. Rafe just doesn't.

He's not masculine either. It's almost like he's asexual for me.

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I agree with you to a certain extent. I think that his affections are hard to attain. He keeps himself on a tight leash- very self-diciplined and self-restrictive. I think that he wants badly to give all of himself to someone, but he is inevitably afraid of the outcome. He wants to be completely, dead sure that he will not be rejected. So yes, there i can see where you find him cold and not loving or affectionate. However, i think that once he DOES give all of himself to someone he becomes immediately attached and clingy. He needs love. He needs eternal devotion. Obviously he hasn't found that yet. That would explain he "heartless" affairs. He hasn't been able to find someone whom he is dead sure will cherish his soul and give theirs in return.

Maybe that's just my romantic vision though. I can be biased here.

posted October 13, 2008 11:25 PM         

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DDL has a lot of warmth to him. I think he loves very deeply. That wouldn't classify him as a great lover technically. But I think it translates that he's highly loving in when he's in love and gives himself to it and lets himself dissolve in it.

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posted October 13, 2008 11:32 PM         

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It sounds like self punishment to me. I'm not even kidding. I mean, that's my interpretation, so I could be very wrong.

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Hmm.. well now i feel awkward.

I don't view it as punishment, but then again, i'm in no position to really look at it objectively.

But i don't want you to think my goal is to harm myself. Like i'm just out to hurt me.

I can't help that i want what i want.

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Not for me. Emerging from an involvment like that - I hated myself more than him. Oh, and I hated him. Not convinced I ever loved him either. Think it was more like - needing to be loved. But that wasn't love. And you don't know it at the time. Because you so want it to be what you want it to be. And also, because when you feel that unlovable, you really think that no-one else is ever going to love you, ever. And so what you've got - and where you are - is better than nothing at all.

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I know what you're saying. I think you and DD were telling me that it sounds more like i'm loving myself, or i'm looking for love myself than i am loving the other person. Which, in truth, hurts me. It sounds selfish. Very selfish. And i feel like i am anything but. I give myself up. I hand myself away to someone else, without hesitation, so how could that be selfish?

posted October 13, 2008 11:35 PM         

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Not for me. Emerging from an involvment like that - I hated myself more than him. Oh, and I hated him. Not convinced I ever loved him either. Think it was more like - needing to be loved. But that wasn't love. And you don't know it at the time. Because you so want it to be what you want it to be. And also, because when you feel that unlovable, you really think that no-one else is ever going to love you, ever. And so what you've got - and where you are - is better than nothing at all.

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Nope, never seen it.

I get the inside joke. Clever minx you!

posted October 13, 2008 11:38 PM         

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Sometimes what's right for one person isn't for someone else, and vice versa. You're going to do what you're going to do - regardless of the experiences of others, because you feel that that is right for you at that time. Whether it is or isn't - or what you get out of it - is all understood in hindesight. If we had the wisdom to know - we would make the perfect choices all the time. That's how you learn, by the way. My biggesat **** ups are the best learning experiences. I wouldn't trade what I've learnt. But I'd love to change some details about how I went about them. The way I see things is that we are not meant to be perfect - we're here to learn - and because of that - we are perfect as we are. Everyone - we're all the same. I don't judge people too often. I just think we're all here to learn and grow. So we're all equal in the compassion of understanding of that.

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You're so wise PA. And so open-minded. Sometimes i forget that when i say something to you, i'm not going to be met with the same judgemental harassment that i am met with elsewhere.

Thank you.

posted October 13, 2008 11:42 PM         

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Maybe I just went places with "Paul" that you didn't with your "Paul".

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That's very possible.

My Paul was a married, family man.

EDITED OUT*** (No offense. It's a secretive thing)

posted October 13, 2008 11:45 PM         

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I don't think your goal is to harm yourself. At all. I think you want to be consumed by your lover. It takes the pain of your own existence away when you are living it through someone else. But it creates it's own set of wounds.

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Hmm.. there again, it sounds not good! It sounds much better in my brain and in my body when i think about it, but coming from someone else it sounds like i need therapy!

I think you're right- it does create it's own set of wounds, but those wounds seem like they don't compare to the wounds that would exist if you didn't subject yourself to that type of love, to that type of relationship.

posted October 13, 2008 11:57 PM         

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EDIT: If you edit yours then I have to edit mine. I did read it. And it's a big difference between the two.
Our stories are not so different really - comes down to details.

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I'm alright with YOU knowing. Just not the entire world. I'm very private about this matter.

I know it's a big difference. I know. I know...

What do you have to edit though? You didn't tell me about what happened with you and your paul (not nitty gritty details i mean)? Are you upset with me? Because i editted it out? Because of what i said?

posted October 14, 2008 12:01 AM         

Always a joy talking with you. You are incredibly bright - and wise.

***mwah***

posted October 14, 2008 12:05 AM         

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Bad timing - I really have to go now. Have to pick up the kids from school. I will come back tonight and answer your questions. The really private ones, I'll do by email. I'll give that to you later.
Always a joy talking with you. You are incredibly bright - and wise.

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Mmk. Wear your seatbelt!!!

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Okay - enough seriousness - next post will involve something totally demoralising about Rafe! I promise. Like, Ralph Fiennes wears nanna nickers - or something like that.

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