posted October 31, 2008 12:31 PM            

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There`s nothing greater than being understood,b eing known, being RECOGNIZED.

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posted October 31, 2008 12:31 PM              

for me the turning point was a story that had the title "God`s Gracious Gift" (I have no idea, where that working-title came from though).

It was the toughest intensest thing I ever wrote. It was a trip into my own soul. But I didn`t know at that time.
At some point I just got stuck and couldn`t keep on writing, until I realized I was blocking myself. I was blocking the free flow, afraid of what might come out of it.

And then I just sat back, closed my eyes, and watched the story, like a play.
It`s how I write stories (not poetry, that is different), I just watch a story unfold and describe what I see.

I do not invent stories. I just write down the stories that already exist.

And in a longer story I wrote, I even were having serious talks with my main characters. And at first this one character didn`t want to speak to me. IT took me some days to open him up, and when he revealed his secret to me, I was really floored, surprised. I didn`t see it coming. Honestly.

Or in another story, I thought I had finished it, and one time I was sitting on my bed in the halfdark, and I could almost SEE that character come out of the corner, saying: "You think you are finished?"
And I knew I wasn`t. There was a story behind the first one, that i hadn`t told. I hadn`t even realized there was one below the surface. I still haven`t finished that one though. lol

I must sound like I am really mad, shizophrenic, but it is what the writing process is for me.

posted October 31, 2008 12:34 PM            

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Yes, that's what I meant.

But it wasn't intended admonishinigly.

That's just a cultural thing. Easy for me to get, I'm from a similar background. I know men like Sean.

It didn't make me uncomfortable as much for the contents, though I am supposed to be a moderator, it's more for your willingness to share that style of writing with people you don't know. Who else is reading it aside from us? I feel like a real killjoy for saying it, but, personally, I wouldn't read it out in class, either. I'd just keep it for people I know and can trust. But, if you're happy, far be it from me, etc.

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Dearest BM...

I don't think i realized the weight of what i was doing. I wasn't thinking. Honestly. I wasn't. I didn't recognize what i was actually saying. To anyone. I.. It was irresponsible. And believe me, it will not happen again.

posted October 31, 2008 12:36 PM            

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Nevermind.. it's hard to explain.

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posted October 31, 2008 12:38 PM            

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I must sound like I am really mad, shizophrenic, but it is what the writing process is for me.

And there is much of me in my stories. even things I didn`t know about me before.

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No, you make perfect sense.

posted October 31, 2008 12:38 PM            

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I understand.

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posted October 31, 2008 12:39 PM              

I can understand your worry. You are absolutely right.
We do expose us here in ways, that make us very vulnerable, in ways we probably never would in "real life".
And believe me, if I had to believe, any of my family, friends or aquaitances would read this, I would delete it,d efinitely.
But in a way it is easy to open up here, BECAUSE we are not part of our every-day-lives.
In a way we can be more open and more honest than we usually are.
At least that is right for me.

Meta and PA,

yes, that is what I meant to say. To be understood so completely, that is love.

Meta,

posted October 31, 2008 12:43 PM              

"No, you make perfect sense.

You see it. It unfolds before you. You see it in your head, like a movie. I do that too. We really are connected that way."

posted October 31, 2008 12:44 PM            

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Meta,

why are you sad that someone "discovers" you?
You are a wonderful person.

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It's not that i don't want someone to do that... it's...

It's like this loneliness that is instantly evoked when i make a connection like that. When i am "discovered". When someone pulls out something that i've wanted to keep hidden. It's like coming face to face with one's own self- and someone else watching.

It's hard to swallow. It sends me into despair. Not because i don't like who i am. But somethings i'd rather not acknowledge. I'd rather not admit to, because of what they explain about me.

posted October 31, 2008 12:45 PM            

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Meta, you don't need to apologise. You've not done anything offensive. Just take it as the advice of a friend, advice you can take or leave.

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posted October 31, 2008 12:48 PM            

That's attachment to a wound. You're consciously holding onto a pain - or creating one - because you feel wounded inside - you need to have something tangible to attach to it.

posted October 31, 2008 12:48 PM              

"It's would be if i pulled out something in you that you KNEW deep down, but never wanted to discuss. Something you never wanted to share. And i said, "Hey, i can see through you. I know what you want. I know what you're like"

Well, but that is what you (and PA) do all the time.

It doesn`T send me into despair, though, but it makes me feel very vulnerable, melancholic even, but in a good way. It makes me feel mellow inside, and deep inside I really like it this way. If I didn`T, I wouldn`t come here and talk to you.
It`s part of me, that longing for self (and others) discovery of myself, of others, through myself, through others.

I don`t know,l maybe I am just narcistic.

posted October 31, 2008 12:50 PM            

You're not narcisstic. Jesus! Hardly!

posted October 31, 2008 12:52 PM            

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EDIT: I think the difference between us is that I actually want others to see my wound in some way. It makes it more real to me, and curable, somehow.

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posted October 31, 2008 12:53 PM              

Y E S.

I want to be seen, long for it. And you`re right, it`s safe here. IN a way it is also some kind of "training" (it`s much more than this, but this is part of it).

posted October 31, 2008 12:53 PM            

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meta

That's attachment to a wound. You're consciously holding onto a pain - or creating one - because you feel wounded inside - you need to have something tangible to attach to it.

To you a broken arm would mean so much more - it's a wound that you would wear on the outside to show

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Oh PA... what are you doing to me...

You're sending me in the direct of a cry. I'm going to be a blubbering idiot and you haven't even said anything.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

posted October 31, 2008 12:55 PM            

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EDIT: I think the difference between us is that I actually want others to see my wound in some way. It makes it more real to me, and curable, somehow.

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posted October 31, 2008 12:57 PM            

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I think you're right. So you want to be cured, and i want to stay hurt.

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That desire - for cure - it comes in time.

posted October 31, 2008 12:58 PM              

"Because if others see you wearing your wound on the outside you think they'll walk on eggshells around you and be sensitive to your sensitivities."
Yes, partly. But I also know that sometimes others can be pretty ruthless.

HOwever, there is something more to it. If I am wearing my wound on the outside, then it is a proof that I exist. As a human being I mean. NOt as some distant observer of life, standing outside it all, above the profane things, as I have pretended many years.
If I have a wound, it means, I am human and touchable.

posted October 31, 2008 12:59 PM            

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I hate that you're helping me, and i'm not helping you. Let me help you.

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posted October 31, 2008 01:00 PM            

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meta

Because inside you're desperate for others to sense your internal woundedness. If you wear it on the outside - they can see it - but not the level you desire. To most people a cut or a broken arm is merely that. It's the same as I said to DD - to be treated with a certain sensitivity, but also, to be imperfect and be perfect as you are.

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But i don't think i want everyone to see it. I know i don't. I want a select few. I want those i can trust, which... well, isn't a lot of people i'm afraid. I dismiss many candidates. Too demanding am i.

I want this "Soulmate", this ideal person i keep talking about to know it. I want them to be able to take it on and fix it. That's what i've meant all this time. That's who and what i'm looking for.

posted October 31, 2008 01:02 PM            

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That desire - for cure - it comes in time.

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