posted February 23, 2009 02:40 PM            

Have you tried Tarot to have a look-see at what lies ahead? Having said that, sometimes it's best to just take things as they come.

But above everything, you've got to indulge the grieving/pain side of things. Indulge it until you think you can take no more sighing, crying and nothingness... because weirdly enough I think the body just stops it after a while... because it has to!

posted February 23, 2009 03:03 PM            

I'd had an epiphany a couple days ago (about how this should be so freeing for me, now that I have the chance to rediscover myself and my interests, like you were saying), but I'm finding that the pain comes & goes in fits.. It's not quite as easy as an overnight change of mindset. I guess it will be that way until I get used to thinking differently. He has been a huge part of my life, and there was a time I used to think I'd need hospitalization if we weren't together (how silly, but I thunk it), so in that sense, I guess I'm not doing too shabbily. The pain's more of a dull ache now rather than like the sharp wound it was last week, and I'm able to not cry in public, so it is good..

I really liked the articles you sent me the links to.. I used to go to that site before but had forgotten it of late. I really like the one about the Power of Destiny - I have much faith in it, and so I guess I must take whatever's happening in that sense too, even if it seems to clash with all the signs I used to have before. This is still my life, and perhaps I've been thrown a lifeline, a way of recovering my-Self - that chameleon article was embarrassingly true for me! I'd spent so much time with him and feeling we were meant for each other, that our interests blended, our dreams blended, and I lost my own self in the process. I badly need some time to get me back now!

I also liked the song.. I think I do need to 'spit him out' - get him out of my psyche so I can be a free bird again.

posted February 23, 2009 03:16 PM            

I think you're right... until I've let all the tears out, all the emotions I need to (maybe in a letter I never send?), I may not be able to move past this in a whole way. I'm sensing that, because I thought I had a quick fix - had this epiphany Friday afternoon that I thought would help me get over it once & for all, but the pain keeps sneaking back on me, the bugger! *sigh*

And no, I have not tried Tarot since.. I've requested a reading over in that forum, but I think it will come when the time is meant for me to know.. and until then, I will have to go through this process..

posted February 23, 2009 03:21 PM            

You are at rock bottom. You do not have to dig a hole. Just look around and acknowledge it.

The best advice I found during my extreme pain was the "unspiritual" advice to "GET ANGRY!!!" You see, the brain can only process either anger or pain, not both at once. (I think men know this subconsciously from eons of getting hurt while hunting or at war and still having to fight through the pain for survival.) When the pain gets too much you stop thinking about the good times and think about the bad times and what a jerk he could be. And the things he did that were not good. And get angry. Fight through the pain to find some strength and seed of sense of self so you can begin to nurture and grow that seed in the dark. Before you know it, it will be a sprout.

Just asking for help means you have the seed of survival. Now I am giving you water (that song made you sad, didn't it?) and sunshine (a little lightness and humor) to start your sprout. I know it is still dark where you are... but look up.

posted February 23, 2009 03:26 PM            

Here, this one is classier, right?

posted February 23, 2009 03:30 PM            

I forgot to tell you - I love the cute little sunshine smilies!! Especially the one with the hearts - it's so precious!!

posted February 23, 2009 03:32 PM            

Just talk. Everyone is here to listen and be here for you.

La-La Sisterhood.

You are safe and loved.

posted February 23, 2009 03:41 PM            

you should totally get mad at me

stupid girl! posting all these stupid pictures and stupid crap that doesn't even help? what??? she thinks a dang mouse will cheer me up? stupid fructose mouse (fructose is my new swear word because it is evil)...

or get mad at him

or at fructose

or at God, shake your fist and let Him have it, he's tough too.

see you later

posted February 23, 2009 03:49 PM            

Thank you, Mel.. I feel that anger is what will help me get over this.. it fits, now that you say it. I can get over the anger later, but for now, I need a lifeline to pull me out of this pit of sadness and despair. Oh gosh, and I'm so sorry for what you must've gone through, honey.. I can't even begin to imagine how painful your divorce must've been, especially with your sweet daughter being affected! You are a wonderfully strong woman; I'd never be able to tell you'd been through so much!! :hugs:

My divorce was, strangely, much easier for me to get through because the guy was a jerk through and through, who I'd never loved as much as I had Mr. Pisces. When we divorced, I was letting go of a terrible mistake, in order to find the love of my life again, and I thought that finding him (Mr. Pisces) meant I was set for life. I never thought he would hurt me, but I guess you can't escape pain in your life...

He's got Pisces Sun opposed Virgo Moon conjunct Saturn & North Node (in Virgo), all squared by Neptune (that is one heck of a T-square now being activated by Saturn!), and when I found him again, I began to see that he'd swung from one extreme of a sweet, sensitive, unconditionally-loving Piscean self to a cynical, hardened, sometimes-selfish, super-practical Virgo. He's going through his Saturn Return now (turns 30 in 3 weeks), and it seems like his head got screwed around during the period I was gone.. The sad thing is, Mel, I couldn't and didn't want to blame him all this time because I'm the one who hurt him when I'd gone off to marry some other guy years ago, so I felt that in some ways I deserved to be hurt a bit, that he was entitled to it especially as it was unintentional - and felt karmic. But there is only so much pain and hurt I can take. So now, for my sake, I must withdraw from this situation.. and that is what I've done.

The odd thing is, some of this anger I have for the hurts he's inflicted in the past few months, has been bubbling up over the last couple weeks or so, even before the other shoe dropped. It was like I felt it, I guess.

*sigh* This may go on a while yet, but I have to get back to working for a bit before I write in again.. more later..

posted February 23, 2009 04:00 PM            

You're a real doll.. I love that you come in here and post things (including all these cute and silly pictures!), and check up on me!! It feels so great to know I'm cared about so much, especially when I'm going thru this emotional crap.. I wish I could've helped you thru your rough times too.. gosh, I don't know how you made it past all that. That must be why you're so strong!

I love the LA LA SISTERHOOD!!! LA LA!!

And that fructose mouse is so cute, esp. with the violin!! I got an Aflac ducky from my girlfriend at work today to hug, because it's so dang cute.. so I'm liking all the cuteness!!

And oh gosh am I mad at God.. I sit to meditate at night, and give Him a piece of my mind, tell Him that if He got me into this so deep, He _better_ get me out of it or else!! I mean, what in the hay?! I've had visions that I _swear_ He put in my head before (meditating), that showed me & this Piscean guy together, married, with babies and all down the road, and now this?? Yeah, I'm mad at Him. Of course, then I get afraid I'm hallucinating while meditating, that the visions are my fault, not God's, which freaks me out *gulp*, so I can't go too far either...

posted February 23, 2009 05:47 PM            

You should watch the movie Hancock. I dig the whole 'when you get close to your mate' dynamic going on in that movie. And it is action so not a depressing chick flick deal. And with Waiting to Exhale... you will just LOVE the part when she cleans our her Virgo husband's closet. I PROMISE.

Your homework is to buy 3 candles that smell SOOOOO good that you can't wait to pamper yourself by lighting them. Put one in the bathroom for when you have your bath. And get bath goodies if you don't have any. And polish for your toes. And get new fluffy towel and robe if you can afford it too. And clean your closets out and take old robe and other stuff to Goodwill. And throw away or put away to sell or donate stuff that reminds you of him. Keep one box of extra special "him" stuff to open and decide what to do with when you are healed.

And get the movies and some chocolate and a few other comfort foods that don't require much effort to cook so you can relax. If you have the money to buy a heating pad or electric blanket, oh boy do I recommend those! ♥♥♥ And get some fruity smoothie type drinks. Not alcohol, just healthy treat drinks to spoil yourself. And if you like soy milk get some Silk with the Omega 3's in it. It will make you feel better and you can use it in smoothies or cereal or coffee or whatever. Vanilla for sweet stuff and plain for making mac n cheese type stuff.

Get some stuff to re-do some place in your apt or house. Even if it is just getting a new color hand soap and towel for the bathroom or bath mats or different set of kitchen towels and pot holders. Pick a room and change it and then get rid of stuff in another. It changes the whole Chi of the house and gets the energy and YOU moving. And creating change in Feng Shui is just what will help you move out of the spot you are in.

And take as many baths at possible to keep clearing your energy.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
to you.

posted February 23, 2009 06:02 PM            

another movie rental to get:

28 days with Sandra Bullock
it's like therapy on the couch.

Love is an addiction and you are just going through withdrawal and then you will see clearly when it is over and can make your decisions then. Until then...

fructose man!

LA LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

posted February 23, 2009 09:10 PM            

Mystic... you're a real doll. I bet you are a real comfort to your friends when life dumps on them

Sunshine... I only went through this once in my life. Sure, there were lots of other times when I felt like the world was going to end, but there was one time when it really just didn't matter if it ended, exploded, crashed and burned... It was really the most horrible thing I've ever gone through, and I never care to repeat that. Only when it happened to me, I didn't have nearly as much on my plate as you.

Hang in there.

posted February 23, 2009 10:55 PM            

That is a spiritual book that walks you through like a good friend. I read it a long time ago and it is the best book on the subject. I found the "get mad" in a different book and I thought it was terrible at first but as I said, I later understood.

Future... someone did something very special for me Saturday night and I am filled with love and God. I'm just paying it forward without even trying. It's all God and love. But thank you for saying something nice to me. It feels good just that you are willing to do that for me. And beautiful Sunshine who is ALWAYS good to me and always has been keeps being sweet to me even now. Reminds me of a quote about the true character of person showing when in even in adversity they still go out of their way to try to be kind to you.

posted February 24, 2009 12:40 AM            

LOL, you're funny and sweet and real all at the same time; I love you for being here for me! Gosh, I'm so, so, so glad to have met you here!! You're a gem of a friend who's so wonderful to have on your side thru rough times..

You were right on about how neither of us could see the other clearly.. he about deified me years back - I could do no wrong and I could never get him to back away from a relationship with me no matter what I said or did, never mind I wasn't ready and hurt him inadverdently. Unfortunately, when I came back out of the hellacious marriage, the balance swung the other way and I was the stupidly-lovestruck one, trying so hard to make up for before, I was blind to any hurts he inflicted unwittingly. He actually asked me last year when we were together, if I needed him to do more than he was doing, and I was naive/stupid enough to say no, we were good (that was before the crap though). Now I know better.. I guess I had to be hurt to learn my lesson.. I will never again settle for less than what I NEED in a relationship, and never again will I remain silent when I'm not treated properly, because I'm trying to be understanding of him & his circumstances.. I'm learning that I can't fix his problems, much as I've tried - not if it's hurting me this much! And if I don't value me, no guy's going to do it for me.. ugh, I can't believe I had to learn this the tough way, like some 50s gal!

Ok, so I've added "Waiting to Exhale" (which I think I may need to see right away; I've heard so many good things about it!), "28 Days" & "Hancock" to my list of movies to see.. I also caught a SATC episode where heartbroken Carrie rebounds with the new Yankee (unsuccessfully, but at least she tries!)!

And, I'm happy to say, I did a good part of my homework tonight.. - I lit some wonderful candles, and a couple days ago, in the light of day when I felt strong, with a friend on the phone, I tackled the task of packing away all things 'him'.. And, I didn't realize that changing around some of the decor/furnishings could help so much - it really does change the energy - you're right!! And you're amazing!!!

Thank you for the book suggestion! I'm going to get it, cause I find it really helps me to read something positive to get me out of ruts!

Perhaps I'd better not to stay away from the Candy Mountain though.. may be a tad dangerous, lol!

posted February 24, 2009 01:03 AM            

Gosh, that's pretty scary, isn't it? - when you feel that way (and I was there last week), and you're afraid nothing will bring you back from the brink. When I feel that way and I'm afraid I'm sinking, I call this one friend to let her know, so she can check up on me, and she calls a few times a day to make sure I'm ok.

Thankfully, I'm not on the ledge any more.. I've been talked down from it by some truly wonderful knowflakes here and friends.. There is still a fair bit of pain which comes and goes, but I'm starting to see that it's when I'm angry that I can make more progress.. The pain seems to weaken & drain my energy, while the anger is able to spur me on to improve my situation, to make me want to make such a success of my life without his support, just to show him what kind of person he'd hurt so unthinkingly..

I hope you never have to go through this sort of pain again - I wish no one ever did. But it seems that it is at these worst periods in our lives that we grow the most, doesn't it? What an irony.. We can't get the rose without the thorns..