posted February 27, 2009 12:59 PM            

*sigh* I tried to write in here several times over the past day & half, and none of the posts went through.. I hope this one makes it, and I will write more tonight..

Sunshine

p.s. Hugs are SO wonderful & healing.. check this out:

posted February 27, 2009 09:28 PM            

Those babies are SOOOOOOO beautiful. Of course they should be together.
I will show my daughter the bunny (and kitty) tomorrow. She will love them! :^D

So, what's the update? Do anything fun tonight? I hope you went shopping for goodies and to the movie store for rentals. Hopefully you are watching Waiting to Exhale riiiight now. :^D hehe Or something else good. With chocolate.

Well, except obesity and tooth decay but hey, you only live once!

What kind of pic is that? That's not enough chocolate for a mouse!

posted February 27, 2009 09:28 PM            

cocoa is good too... not sure what this is but there is a heart awwww

Take care, you.

posted February 27, 2009 10:26 PM            

That makes sense - makes a lot of sense that my posts didn't go thru because I overdid the smileys!! It was driving me nuts cause I tried sending the same long post over & over without much luck!

So, I'm better today.. I had to go in to school too, where I see him, but I managed to steer clear of nostalgia/sadness, listening to uplifting music (but nothing from the past; no reminders) on the way over, keeping away from him, working away on my research, and hanging with this other friend when I needed a break! I stayed far away, and have managed to keep my sanity, pride & dignity intact! (He actually appears to have become lodged in nostalgia mode, ironically).

THe thing is, I know I still love him, and I know that he loves me too - I can feel it almost palpably. But for now, for my mental health, I have to shelve everything and focus on myself, my work, and getting me back into a good place again. He needs to figure out his own head and what he wants - NOT my business. I will enjoy being away from all this drama we've had, stop shouldering so much of the responsibility & worry.

I think this was perhaps a good thing to have happen because I had lost touch with myself in some ways over the past few years, and if our relationship had continued the way it was last year, I know I would have given up too much of myself. I'm looking forward to spending time with myself now, time to get reacquainted, time to rediscover old/forgotten interests (dang, working full-time with part-time school and no free personal time can rob you of all that!), time to experiment with cooking, maybe art.. I really can't wait to be done with my big deadline (it's on St. Patty's day!), so's I can do all that!

I pampered myself some last night - got a full 7 1/2 hours of sleep (which I'm usually starved for!), and i DID get Waiting to Exhale, finally!! I'm going to watch it tonight, get me some of that yummy-looking chocolate you have there (mmm!), maybe give myself a pedi while i'm at it..

posted February 27, 2009 10:48 PM            

To dear future_uncertain...

Aww.. you're a sweetheart; thank you for the sweet words! *blushing* I seem to remember that you've been through a fair bit yourself over the years, and that you're a very strong woman yourself!!

Isn't it crazy how it's been one thing after the next lately?! It must be something in the air! I still know my situation overall isn't as bad as it can get.. there are still others who have so many tougher challenges to face, yet come out fighting & doing so well.

So, how are you & your cute little family doing these days? I seem to remember that you have 2 little ones - a boy & a girl?

Dear SolaneStar,

Thank you for the post.. *sigh* I know it's so true that we ought to find happiness with ourselves rather than looking for it outside.. I used to be that way years ago, but lost it over time, and only now is this situation bringing it home to me again. I'm working to get there again. How are you doing these days? Haven't seen you here in a while (though I've been away myself)..

Dear Cheshirekat,

Thank you! I don't really see myself as a role model (believe me, I've done some hurting myself), but if anything you read here helps you with your situation, I'm very glad! I wish you much luck settling in at your new school - I hope that you have happier updates for us soon!

posted February 27, 2009 11:05 PM            

dear Mel,

I didn't know you have a Cappy Moon & AC!! I will post my chart here tomorrow (tomorrow, tomorrow..) - my planets are spread out through Capricorn. So now I know that it is Pluto I have a bone to pick with & not the usual suspect, Saturn!! For years, it used to be Saturn so I'd finally started to get comfortable with him & turned into a Saturn chica (might as well, with the stellium!), and now it's Pluto's turn.. so I see. Pluto's just about 2' away from conjuncting my Moon, and then in another 2', it will be my Mercury... Oh crap, I need a strategy to handle him!! He's all about destroying & remaking, but also Phoenix rising from the ashes, isn't he? Wow, it sounds like he did a number on you! But you've survived & will continue to PREVAIL!! As will I, hopefully!

Mel, I just saw that Pluto's going to retrograde from April 4th until Sept. 11th - whoa baby! We're in for still more tearing down of old structures! Sounds a wee bit scary.. Here's what I found on the rx Pluto transit from Lynn Koiner:

quote:

---

Under any Pluto transit, we feel pressured to eliminate and release the old, outworn, outdated and obsolete in our lives. When Pluto is transiting retrograde, we are urged to let go of attitudes, thinking or communication patterns, security drives, rigid emotions; a time to undergo an internal form of house cleaning. It is a good time to research into our own Souls in order to determine exactly what we do or do not need. Because Pluto retrograde imparts an intense power for investigation, we should use this time to assess what reoccurring patterns in our lives make us feel out of control, where and why do we continually give our power away, and under what circumstances do we react so defensively that we elicit attacks from others. Pluto retrograde marks a time wherein we should seek to gain greater control over our personal life; Pluto direct is better for gaining control over professional and financial areas. My most frequent observation of Pluto retrograde is that many people do seek some form of regenerative activity. I have seen people undertake a series of internal cleansings, detoxifying diets, Eastern disciplines that put them in touch with the inner self and even intense psychological reforms.

---

On second thought, though it may be a tough time, I think it will have a lot of potential. Like the character Ron Weasley says in one of the Harry Potter movies, we may "suffer but will be happy about it"! Just kidding..

posted February 27, 2009 11:18 PM            

quote:

---

Fresh starts and dead ends accompany Pluto's retrograde stage. The things that we hang onto most tightly can suddenly be taken away. Pluto's retrograde is also a time of destruction and rebuilding, rejuvenation and regeneration. We may be forced to reevaluate the things we value most. Heavy forces that are outside of an individual's control are at play, including war, weapons and government upheaval.

---

More upheaval.. *laughs hysterically* I think we'll all have to consciously will, with all our collective might, that nothing untoward happens in the world, but then again, if there are upheavals there, perhaps it is meant to shake up the status quo for the better, just like on the personal level. Maybe, we'll just have to will that people are _physically_ safe, no matter what, that everything happens for the best, and that a higher Power gives us the strength to face any challenges.

posted February 27, 2009 11:24 PM            

quote:

---

Pluto retrograde is a time for individuals and our Earth to cleanse away pollution and waste that deplete the comfort of our body and the environment. Pluto, the planet of regeneration helps us bring to the surface those secret sides of ourselves we avoided facing or owning up to. Pluto requires a broader perspective of the process of life rather than focusing on narrow units of time and space. Pluto retrograde in the natal chart indicates the challenge of power, not so much getting power but deciding what to do with it, and how to teach others to use the powerful and sometimes destructive tools at their disposal without destroying themselves and others at the same time.

---

From: http://www.newage-directory.com/retrogrades.htm

So it will be the time for spring cleaning soon! We will all be ok..

posted February 28, 2009 10:52 AM              

I have known friends , both male and female who go thru similar situations that your man went through.And how he has changed is exactly what happened to every single one of them.

Your Pisces may have felt back then what you still do but your betrayal has destroyed his ability to ever feel that vulnerable and pure connection that he had back then.Today he has adapted to that pain - which has become a part of him by adopting a clinical approach to his interaction with you - or any woman he is involved with.

Every man and woman who gets played do EXACTLY that - their anger and pain stays and results in that new approach to the opposite sex.It is impossible for them to be that vulnerable again to the opposite sex.Many develop subconscious behaviour patterns where the anger gets played with the new partner through covert scenarios.

Your man - will grow exponentially if he releases all that negativity .And therein lies the rub.

Its his call entirely.

All you can do is let go.

I would recommend that meditation i have posted in SU - mentally affirm that you ask for forgiveness at the soul level and genuinely desire his happiness even if it means you are not a part of it.

At the level of soul and Oversoul understanding he will feel that and it will help him if subconsciously to move away into healing .

If you can manage to be genuine in that ritual and let go - he will come back.

God Bless

posted February 28, 2009 11:26 AM            

Thank you for being honest with me.. Years ago, being lost in my issues (which revolved around wanting never to disappoint my parents), I never realized how badly rejected he must've felt when I was set up with the ex who I agreed to marry despite not loving him, because I reasoned, _we_ were not in a relationship and I had been telling the Pisces I was not ready for more than friendship with him, and then I became trapped in that terrible mistake & my own struggles to regain control of my life.. I know what I'm going through now is justice in a way.. feels karmic. Now I'm going through the pain he must've felt then, and I see what a terrible betrayal it feels like, and my heart bleeds for having hurt him the way I did.. I thought my returning to him (once I got out of my mess), loving him unconditionally (as much as I could), by patiently bearing any emotional hurts he inflicted on me (which I felt was his pain acting out - what you'd described - that I thought would help him get over it), and being there for him like I never could the first time around, would be enough to heal him, but I guess it was not. You're right.. he was so much more clinical with me last year though part of him responded to my love - he still struggled with it. It wasn't enough to heal...

Venus, when you mention the meditation you posted in SU, do you mean this one: http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum10/HTML/003075.html - I thought this was primarily meant to detach from prior connections and to attract a soulmate?

How can I send him healing? - Would my expressing my intention to send healing from my Oversoul to his accomplish this, during the same meditation? I would rather not just release him from our connection still so deeply wounded, if I can help it.. I love him too much, and I guess even if it isn't with me, I'd want him to ultimately be happy; I couldn't bear the thought of having damaged someone so, especially him.. Oh God, I can't tell you how long I've struggled with wanting to be able to take away his pain, the pain that I caused..

posted February 28, 2009 03:34 PM            

I just realized you were saying it's _his_ call to release the negativity, to heal.. There's not much I can do, but to meditate, to ask for forgiveness at the Oversoul level, because not much I've done on this level seems to have worked, as far as I can tell. In the past, I've tried sending pink light from my heart chakra to his, though I didn't keep it up for a very long time. And I've offered to him to be there for him even as a friend if he wanted to talk about any burdens or wounds he may carry deep down, but he's mostly insisted that everything's fine.. I wanted him to talk to me about it, so I could make him understand (if he didn't already) that it was a mistake born out of naivete & stupidity on my part, that I had never intended to hurt him, that it had ripped me apart & caused me so much misery during the time I was trapped in the empty & hellish marriage, how it's even haunted me since, and I've apologized to him repeatedly over the years, hoping my regrets and tears would cleanse & heal; he has always insisted it's ok, he's forgiven, that I should stop the apologizing and try to forgive myself too. But the hurt is somewhere deep down where it hasn't let him be the same hopeful, innocent, sweet guy who used to believe in love and soulmates..

You're right.. the only way is to do this is on the Oversoul level. Lately (before I found he was trying to move on with someone his friends set him up with around the time of my birthday as it happens - the source of my recent and well-deserved pain since I now know how he must've felt), I'd begun praying for his welfare regularly.. I will resume it because perhaps it will help me make up.. I will do the meditation you suggested, and hope & pray it helps him release the pain.. I can't begin to tell you how the past still haunts me (ironically, he's remarked that I shouldn't be stuck on it when he's let it go)..

posted February 28, 2009 03:41 PM            

I got through about half of the movie; there was some problem so I have to try to get it up & running again this evening after work. I did see the scene where she cleans out her ex' closet - how starkly Virgoan the organization was!

posted March 01, 2009 07:11 AM              

I forgive myself for what happened between me and him as well as my parents.

I also ask him to forgive me.

I release him and myself from the energy of all our past negative experiences and send it back to Oversoul and God.

I ask that i be guided to happiness, harmony and abundance and i also ask that his Oversoul do the same for him.

I desire to be with together with him and ask that he be made ready for me and i for him.

Failing him - i ask to be together with the one who is best for me and i ask the same for him.

---------

i have 100 % faith that it will work - it did for me . I am not with my Twin but we are both very happy and have grown so we will be perfect when we do come together.Most importantly we have found ourselves so when we find together i know we will not screw up.

posted March 01, 2009 09:37 PM            

Thank you so much for your kindness (you made me feel better), and for your suggestion. I've spent a good part of the past couple days reliving the past, steeped in regrets and self-recrimination, and though I didn't have sage, I tried a sage candle (I will have to look for sage - I assume you mean the dried herb..), and I feel that it really helped me.. I have been calmer since. I usually put a lid on this, but there are days when the pain comes up, and it's tough to deal.. I will have to do the meditation to release it, because it's too much to take some days.

I'm sorry to hear you have a similar situation - is this with the one you still see at school? If you'd like to talk about it, I'm glad to listen..

posted March 01, 2009 09:54 PM            

Thank you again, for helping me with the details.. I wasn't able to cut the cords before (I'd tried it a year & half ago, before we'd eventually gotten back together, and I was in intense pain, left sobbing uncontrollably). It was too hard as the connection is too strong; we have some sort of psychic link that runs deep & blends in a way I'm unable to tell if some energies/feelings are mine or his - can be a bit strange sometimes.

I'm glad that there is a way for me to 'let go' without cutting the cords. I will do the meditation with those prayers/requests you've suggested.. God, I hope & pray it brings me some sanity and peace soon, not to mention him! I'm heartened to know that it worked for you, despite all the pain you must've endured. I hope that you are reunited with him soon..

posted March 02, 2009 03:56 AM            

Someone told me lately, and this is interesting: When you burn sage, you cleanse and get rid of a lot of negativity, so you are actually left with a strange kind of 'empty' space, kind of like a blank canvass. This is the ideal time, after you sage, to make a prayer or wish - in fact, it's best to fill that void with something, and put the energy there that you want, so that outside energy you don't want doesn't end up trickling in there.
It was interesting to find out. I sage a lot too, and I've been trying this new technique - it's worked wonders so far