posted March 02, 2009 06:07 AM            

Sorry you are experiencing all that pain.

posted March 02, 2009 08:21 PM            

I was wondering where you'd gotten to.. have you been unwell, hon? Gosh, the cozy blanket sounds SO good.. and lots of sleep too. We had a snow day here, so I slept in a bit before going in to work, which was so nice for a change.

posted March 02, 2009 08:46 PM            

How wonderful that you got to go to culinary school, that you're training in dance - sounds so freeing! (I've never gotten to do that). The Tibetan crystals sound lovely too; must be truly healing if they resonate to chakras..

So, now that you're in a different school, you don't run into him on a regular basis any more? You mentioned you're still talking though - it is good that he apologized; that always helps. Gosh, there is no underestimating the power of a heart-felt apology, even if it does not take away the pain of what happened; the thought counts. I can relate to not feeling like it is over.. perhaps that means you will get a chance to work things out! I will keep you in my thoughts, and hope things work out for you soon..

Saging sounds so good.. I don't know if we get sage around here, but I'm going to hunt for it! I feel that I really need it so badly.. I had another rough day today. Feeling for him, his pain, makes me feel worse about the current situation, and I start feeling sick all over again & start to lose my composure (I don't like seeming so off-balance in public or so close to tears) - it's a vicious cycle.

Now, where's my blankie? *searches*

posted March 02, 2009 09:10 PM            

Oh gosh, I'm not going to try cutting cords again, esp. not with him.. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to say goodbye to him in the past, but it has never ended - our lives have felt irretrievably tied all these years. It still feels that way. I have to find a way of letting go that isn't so drastic, that gives me some peace of mind, but even as I say that, I know it will be temporary, because there is always a nagging feeling we're not done. I feel that Venus' meditation will help me with the letting go I need to do, and perhaps when I wrap up school stuff in a couple weeks, I won't see him all that much..

I like the idea of saging giving you a blank canvas.. needing that!! I'm on the sage hunt!!

posted March 02, 2009 09:14 PM            

Thank you for your note! I've replied your email. Here is the synastry chart with some asteroids thrown in, including his name asteroid and Karma:

posted March 02, 2009 09:53 PM            

Just wanted to tell you, I tried the meditation last night, and it felt good to work on releasing the pain. But I did see that my heart chakra wasn't spinning as well as it should - the green was clogged with brown, with all these heavy emotions. I guess it figures.. with everything I'm going through. I hope that keeping at the meditation will help that.

posted March 02, 2009 10:17 PM            

thanks for that info about sage:

"This is the ideal time, after you sage, to make a prayer or wish - in fact, it's best to fill that void with something, and put the energy there that you want, so that outside energy you don't want doesn't end up trickling in there."

That part about using that empty space that the sage cleared. I usually have to keep a window open and let the smoke out into the world with intention. Good intention with sage always....

posted March 03, 2009 01:43 AM              

quote:

---

Venus,

Just wanted to tell you, I tried the meditation last night, and it felt good to work on releasing the pain. But I did see that my heart chakra wasn't spinning as well as it should - the green was clogged with brown, with all these heavy emotions. I guess it figures.. with everything I'm going through. I hope that keeping at the meditation will help that.

---

Sunshine ofcourse your Hearth chakra is affected - also you are feeling his emotions as well which doubles the blow - it happened to me too - whenever hee misses me i burst out crying no matter how happy i was a second ago.now i have learnt to release all those emtions to Oversoul - whenevr any negative emotion arises Sunshine no matter how strong it feels -release it to Oversoul - visualise all the dark stuff going up to your Oversoul and keep affirming positive for yourself and him.

posted March 03, 2009 08:09 PM            

Just checking in to love ya

posted March 03, 2009 11:35 PM            

I love that suggestion.. I will do just that

dear Lavlee,

I hope the loooong email isn't overwhelming! I wish I lived closer to Asheville; I love that little town with its collection of eclectic stores in the adorable downtown area! Alas, I may just have to order my sage online.. hope it's just as good, and doesn't come in a freeze-dried cube or something, lol!

dear Mel,

I'm glad to hear you're alright.. I gots to crash meself now; I'm up so late when i have to be up at 4:30 to fly out on a business trip tomorrow - that's what the plane ride is for though; catching up on sleep! I seriously wish we had more than 24 hours in a day - juggling work & grad school stuff takes up all my "free" time! More tomorrow...

Love you all, *LaLa!!*
Sunshine

posted March 08, 2009 01:16 AM            

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm wondering if I've been too hard on him.. Is it lame that my heart's going to him after his reaching out to me just a little bit? After all, there were times in the past when he suffered like I did - way more actually, when he knew I was seeing others & he felt helpless to stop me (we weren't together & it wasn't like I dated anyone more than once or twice since they were blind dates as I found them all wanting as they weren't him - but none of that matters.. It still had to have hurt him, especially, well, when instead of fighting for us, I gave up).. Anyhow, this is the first time he's really disappointed me in a major way, and I completely flipped out, feeling sick with jealousy. I know for a fact that he didn't seek out this other person; his friends had set him up, and if they hadn't, I know he would never have given anyone else a chance over me.

I felt a bit badly for him yesterday because he kept looking my way, especially when I was chatting it up with this other guy who works in his office (there's nothing between us, just friends), almost seeming envious of the friendly bond & banter between us. It's been close to 3 weeks (though I only go in once or twice a week tops) since I've looked at him or talked to him or even acknowledged his presence, and yesterday, he really appeared to miss it, with all the sidelong glances my way (courtesy Venus going retrograde maybe). There was one moment when I happened to look out the door of my office when he was passing by & looked in - our eyes met, but instead of acknowledging his presence, I averted my eyes back to my laptop to continue working; it wasn't intended to hurt him, but I just felt like I needed more time away from the mess of emotions. It was after that incident, that he came by to talk to me. I just responded to his queries, asked none of my own, nothing about him (but I should remember that he's done this with me for a few months now, ie. made me bear the whole burden of making conversation), so when the topic ran out, he had to leave.. I managed to be polite but didn't bother supplying any further information than what he asked, like I used to do before when I treated him like my best friend & confidante.. What made me feel badly for him is, after his attempt at breaking the ice, I'd gone by his office to say something to the other guy, briefly, just sharing a minor triumph, and as I was walking out, he came shooting out of his cubicle to ask if I'd said something - I guess he was eager for me to resume our usual dynamic, for me to include him in anything again.. I was walking out already, so just shook my head no - like I had nothing I wanted to say to him. Again, it wasn't intentional on my part; I just wasn't feeling ready to be all chummy with him yet, to resume the dynamic like I wasn't so badly hurt.

I'm sorry for going into all this unnecessary detail about mundane things, but I just feel a bit sad today & lacking the sage, my head's replaying yesterday over & over again. So, as it turns out, he finally reached out to me yesterday like he hasn't in a long while (months), and I didn't make it easy for him. I was also wondering if he's still seeing that other person, because that was what made me feel so sick before, but it occurred to me, knowing him as well as I do, that he would not have dared approach me (even to talk) if he were.. (of course, I could be wrong). It was like he made a deliberate attempt to show me he wanted us to go back to how things were, to show me he still cares about me (it was a good way to do it too, bringing up what we'd last discussed, asking about this major stressor in my life), and this was a big attempt on his part to restore our relationship, (major, seeing as he hasn't done anything like this in a long time (might sound lame, but he made some truly 'heroic' attempts to get through to me before I'd hurt him badly a few years back)). He had to eat crow a bit, even coming to see me in that office because he had no reason to be there except to see me; it was an admission just coming there.

I've been doing the meditation Venus had prescribed, and I have had a few days where I felt wonderfully serene during the ritual (especially when I was out of town, 100s of miles away from this energy), and was able to truly feel like I could let go, request his forgiveness, and wish him well, even if it is with someone else. The thing is, deep down, I've felt with certainty for such a long time that we are meant to be (a feeling he'd felt for a very long time, that he seems to have known almost since meeting me!), that it almost feels like an accepted fact. I think perhaps he felt energetically that I was letting go, and given my avoidance lately, he's wanting to pull me back in. He must miss me too. Oh gosh, how I miss him! For several days, I'd managed to keep myself away from fond reminiscences, but they're starting to come back & catching me off-guard. It feels almost unnatural for me to be away from him, from even thoughts of him..

Now I'm really rambling. I guess I'm regretting my stubborn stance yesterday. I don't want to be too rigid in how I treat him too, because I don't want to close the door on this. I'm afraid too, that if I'm too hard on him, that he may have to give up because it's too hard. But then again, I want him this time to make doubly sure that he wants ME, and he wants to be with ME over anyone else. Now he's actually dated someone outside of me, and perhaps this experience has made him realize we're right for each other.

posted March 08, 2009 01:46 AM            

I'm thinking of perhaps not going in Friday because it would be kinder (so I have a solid reason for not acknowledging his day), and besides, I have to schedule a meeting, an interview out of town, and that would be a good day for me to do it.

*sigh* I'm just feeling sad..

posted March 09, 2009 11:48 PM            

IGNORE HIM

You can let him know that he has a long way to go to even THINK about having you again and if he wants to go the distance, he will. If it is just some passing emotion he is having then let it pass and don't get emotionally involved. Next time he talks just say, "hey, we have a long way to go to build our friendship back up and I don't know if I can or want to handle it but I can try. Have a nice day, now." Then he can stew about it and decide if he wants to put in the effort. He needs to decide for himself what he wants and then he needs to work for it. Most men (and it could be said about women as well) do not appreciate things that come easy to them.

You have went through all the pain of detaching. Be strong and if you really love him, let him work it all out in his head without your influence so he can be sure of whatever decision he eventually makes in his mind. All you have to do is let him know you do not hate him and there is a chance though it will take a lot of work (what I said to say up there) and then you worry about YOU. Getting to pursue you again is obviously turning him back on to you. Let him enjoy it and you enjoy it too. You do NOT have to worry about making it easy for him!!!!!!!! He will love the challenge of winning you again should that be his decision. And right now you don't know that is what is right for you both. And neither does he. But after this retro passes you two will have worked things out in your minds and you will have a clearer view. If this is meant to be part of your love story, it will be. Keep making yourself stronger so you can handle what is ahead.
Let him want you.

posted March 10, 2009 03:51 PM            

I havent read the entire thread... I dont know if you have shared the story with us, so I can't comment on whether or not your reactions are appropriate to the situation. Clearly, your heartache is real and disturbing, and I can understand why some of your friends would be up in arms about this and already passing judgement on this man, with or without hearing the whole story (or even your side of it). All I can say is that relationships are complicated, and, while people on the outside looking in can see plenty of easy answers, the reality from the inside is necessarily more intricate and involved. Nobody can see this situation from your perspective, with your heart and mind, and the history you have invested. Nobody can, or has any right to, do your thinking for you, and to tell you how to act in this situation. Nobody knows how they would act, since nobody here has been, or could ever be, in your exact situation; in your shoes and in your skin. I think it is wonderful that you are still able to take time to rest and breathe, and find your center. That is the place to return to, time and again, when you want to get a clearer perspective on things; when you want to get deeply in touch with your own feelings, values, and intentions. There is no right or wrong way to see and respond to this situation. Whatever happens will be according to cosmic law. My only advice to you is to listen to ALL the voices inside you right now. Every one of them has something to say, and your inner dialogue is not complete. Listen to your own thoughts and feelings, and let them gradually work this out amongst themselves. In the end, you will know what to do.

That's my two cents.

posted March 10, 2009 08:27 PM            

Thank you for setting me straight.. You're right; he needs to put in a lot more work than one brief conversation; if he wants me back, and he's a big boy - he can figure out how to get through to me. I mean, I always managed to find several different ways to reach out to him over the past few months, like he did with me in the past. He does need to determine if he's serious about this, before I get involved again. I was thinking about the Venus Rx too.. best to wait until it is over, before anything significant happens, right?

Besides, I now have a new distraction that may change my life completely - I was laid off today (no one really expected my job to go, but the situation is that bad)! So I'm upping the priority on the job search ASAP which is now of all-consuming importance, esp. as I won't get UI, and am working toward getting my presentation scheduled in the meantime.. Interesting how my life is poised to change in all the major areas.. my first thought was "Pluto with its big wrecking ball"!

posted March 10, 2009 08:29 PM            

Thank you for your wishes.. please do think new job thoughts for me too..

I hope all is well with you,

posted March 10, 2009 09:17 PM            

Thank you.. It does help me tremendously when I can detach from the emotions for some time when I'm meditating, and find some calm & serenity, stay far from being affected. When I'm in that state, I can turn within for advice, and can trust it. Unfortunately, I feel like I can't always trust what I'm hearing, especially at times when I feel like a leaf blown about in a storm. Then, it helps to have opinions from others, and when it resonates within, I know it is right for me.. *sigh*

I'm going to keep at the inner dialogue, though, and hopefully make it through all these storms.

posted March 10, 2009 10:22 PM            

I'm positive something will come along and this phase won't last though...things don't do much besides change.
I don't have a lot of advice here besides trying to stay in the moment when things feel overwhelming. Look around you and notice your surroundings. Sometimes that really helps me.
And just know that things never stay bad - they always change. As low as it is right now, it's just a promise that things will be equally as good sometime again.

posted March 11, 2009 12:47 AM            

I appreciate the support; it means a lot to me.. It's strange, but I do feel my capacity/strength to deal, growing with each issue I've had to face. This was my first real job, so it does hurt to have been laid off after all the work & efforts I've put into it over the past 2 1/2 years, but then again, I'd come to feel lately that I've outgrown it in many ways. I was ready for a change too, since my degree is in a somewhat different area. I wasn't being realistic about moving on yet & had ignored gentle nudges before (was too picky with my job hunt), so I've gotten a kick in the pants to get out there for real & get looking. Gee, there's a lesson in everything, isn't there?

I will, as you said, try not to lose myself in the present circumstances so much that I lose sight of what is around me, of what I can still be grateful for in my life.. And I trust things will get better - I just hope they do very soon, before resources start to dwindle! I do have an interview coming up this Friday, just in the nick of time. I'm so very hopeful! It will move me away to MD if things work out, away from this place I've come to love over a period of 6 years, away from.. Well, I guess I'm ready for anything now because I'm learning that I need to be.