posted March 17, 2009 03:21 PM            

I'm hanging in here, keeping busy with the job hunt, finals prep, and now, preparing to pack up my apartment. Mom's been visiting with me this week, and trying to help with packing up what I won't need, before she flies out tomorrow. It's been great to have her support at this time, truly God-sent, though our original plan had been for her to be here with me for when I defend (was supposed to be today). The defense date has been moved - again.. scheduling's been crazy, and we've finally settled on Friday next week. I'm hoping that third time's the charm, and this one will stick and go well. My head's not been in preparing like crazy, but I feel pretty calm.. letting what I know settle inside; I will review this week & next. I've been pretty distracted lately, trying to tackle everything on a timely basis, figure out what I need to do before I run out of health insurance end of month, and when I can move out, since the apartment rent will be crazy expensive on no income. Turns out the penalties for breaking the lease will be even worse so I may end up keeping it until the end of August, unless I find someone to take over my lease. Something else to figure out.. oh well.

I had the interview last Friday, and it went pretty well - they seemed to like me and think I'd be a good addition to the team. But, their timeline's not so great - I will have to wait awhile (probably a month) to find out (though they asked for references right away), and it will be around the end of June before I will start, if I get the job. So, while I'm very hopeful this one will work out, I'm going to keep at the job hunt so I'm doing something.

posted March 17, 2009 03:52 PM            

I've been still keeping away from him though I'm going in almost every day to school since the layoff last Tuesday - I need this time to myself for clarity, and to make up for all those months of unanswered efforts I put in, an answer to the hurt pride. So, despite my keeping away from interactions & conversation, he made another attempt to reconnect yesterday. He stopped by my office again to ask when I'm defending (last time, I'd said the 17th), and wondered if I was still working, since I'm here so much more these days. So I had to tell him about my job sitch, though again I wasn't feeling the going into details so much; I felt unexpectedly emotional (strange for me as it was the first time I felt that way since having to say goodbye to everyone during the layoff last week; perhaps it was because I was finally telling him, and that made it seem real), but I didn't want to spill it all and end up crying in front of him - so I was reserved with my answers. Bit by bit, with his questions, he got out of me that I'm out of a job, and that I'm likely to move away to Maryland if this other job works out - it was funny how his first question on hearing I'm considering a job opportunity was, "is it here?" He seemed shocked to hear of all the developments though he didn't express it verbally; I'm sure he knows why I didn't go to him with any of this - I haven't felt in a long while that I could rely on him, even for emotional comfort or the friendship we'd always had. So, it was another brief touch-base, but he managed to get to the core of what's going on with me during those few minutes.

Somehow, I come away from such interactions feeling like the bad guy for being reserved & holding back during the conversation (I'm much less inclined to be talkative & share details on my own with him these days), and for not asking about him again.. It was his 30th birthday last Friday, and for the first time since I've known him, I didn't acknowledge his day. I felt badly though I had plenty going on that kept me away from the computer, including an interview & a 4-hour drive that turned into 9 hours in rain & traffic. But he forgot mine last year when we were involved, and this year too when he was trying to move on though I've made it plenty clear to him how much he's mattered to me. So, I don't know why I must feel this way; an overactive guilt conscience, I guess. My heart melts every time he makes the slightest effort to reach out, even though I must remember all those times he didn't respond when I kept reaching out to him. I'm not into playing games - totally not my style which is about being frank & direct - so it sucks that I needed to pull away & avoid him, for him to start coming around.

And, the thing is, though he's clearly reaching out to try to re-establish at least a friendship again, and perhaps trying to show me he still cares about me, we haven't gotten to the guts of the matter, nor even touched the tip of the iceberg in terms of handling the issues from all this history between us. Not that I expect to do that overnight for another chance, but at the very least, I need to see concrete signs of a serious intention on his part to pursue this, one that is determined to stay the course & not bail at the first sign of hard work. He may be reaching out now because he misses me, feels me letting go, plus this whole Venus retrograde's gotta be adding to it. Gosh, I just need time to figure other things out, and I'd like for the Venus Retrograde period to be over before any concrete steps happen! And, that is a whole month to go!

Crazy times, indeed. Whole lotta nudges & lessons for me! In a way, it is almost exciting to have all these changes & lessons forced on me; can't wait to see what develops out of it all! I just know it's gotta be "good gold" (as I heard someone put it once) (referring to the analogy of melting down metal in a raging furnace to reshape into beautiful jewelry) - something good always comes out of change that is thrust upon you. Hopefully that doesn't sound crazy..