posted February 20, 2009 04:13 PM            

I'm back.. I just had my heart shattered to pieces by someone I'd trusted for a good 8 years, a person thought to be a soulmate, who everyone seemed to think I belonged with. (I'd go into more explanation, but I still can't stomach it). I'm trying to deal with this with some stoicism, because I'm at a critical stage in meeting deadlines for a long-sought-after educational goal, and, as weird as that may seem, I just don't have time for a breakdown right now.. Unfortunately, my heart isn't operating by my schedule. I've been nauseated, dizzy, unable to stomach much food, and the only release I'm getting is from sleep which lets me not think about it. I had a couple meltdowns this week and had to postpone my big deadline from the coming Monday to a later date next month. I'm really afraid I'm headed for a big breakdown, and I need closure desperately.. I just found out a couple days back though, so perhaps I need some time for grieving & anger, and then I will be alright..

I don't know though - it's 8 years of cherished dreams, a feeling of sacredness to our bond, the feelings of certainty we would be together for life - going down the tubes here. As recently as a month ago, it had been predicted that we would still end up together, so a small part of me wonders if this is all a test. But, I just know that right now, I have to focus on letting it all go, focus on me and feeling better, and trying to divert my heart from the path of this tidal wave that is threatening to drown me. What burns me about this is, it's not just a heartbreak over some guy - my entire belief system is thrown into chaos now. I don't know what to make of it - years of feeling that we were inevitable, of synchronicites from the Universe that seemed to bless this, of readings that have all indicated we were meant to be together for life, of meditations that confirmed it all, of so many events that have pushed us together despite circumstances (we've moved 4-5 times due to life circumstances but somehow have kept ending up within 3-5 miles of each other in the same area several of those times) - I feel so upset and so disillusioned with life, and mad, at God too.. This has become an existential crisis that I don't know how to deal with any more. ANd I used to be the most grounded, sane person I knew..

I don't really know why I'm posting all this here.. just that I needed to reach out. I have a couple girlfriends who keep checking up on me, to make sure I'm still doing ok day by day, but the sad thing is, I don't even have the time for a good & thorough cry.. Time's ticking and I have so much work to do toward my goals. I can't give up on those goals, because it would be one more thing for me to lose, and besides, achieving these goals is what will get me away from this place where I have to see him on at least a once-a-week basis.

In the meantime, I'm trying to keep breathing, trying to find new dreams, trying to make sense of the pieces of my life.

*sigh* Perhaps I may need to request a reading or something, because I desperately need something to hold on to..

posted February 20, 2009 04:30 PM            

We're all here for you when you need us...

Hang in there...

posted February 20, 2009 04:42 PM            

{{{ hugs }}} & Zala

bunnies, your thoughts and suggestions are a wondrous thing

PS: Ran across this a few minutes ago, whilst looking for something else:

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short

posted February 20, 2009 06:50 PM              

You're not alone - we love you, even if it's a collective sort of love and not coming from one individual. Good that you gave yourself more time, that's the right thing to do and will ensure that you are able to work steadily towards your goals. Once you have the educational goal under your belt you will be able to breathe more easily. You've done really well and you will continue to do well. I know it's really tough, but just keep going.

Stars seem to be pretty crazy for everyone at the moment - there is a peculiar atmosphere around, almost like a sulphur cloud - we just have to hang in there and do what we can until it passes.

Love,

posted February 20, 2009 10:51 PM            

bunnies, I can totally take a raincheck on the heartache.. I've been good at putting a lid on things in the past, and so I'm striving to do that.. It feels weird, but I know I cannot afford to lose time on emotions now, because it could affect what I'm trying to achieve for myself..

What a beautiful poem.. (If by Rudyard Kipling).. I'd forgotten about it - thank you for reminding me!

posted February 20, 2009 11:06 PM            

I feel like I just need time for myself now, to heal from all the pain I've faced in the course of this tortuous path I'd chosen. I don't know where the future leads, but perhaps this is a chance to find myself again independent of anyone else, build new dreams and pursue them.. I think I want to be alone for a while - no men, just myself and friends..

What a beautiful quote, 'zala.. I really needed to hear that. Just a couple weeks ago, someone told me to "let go", and I wasn't able to do it very well, and wondered how I could do it, if I could just fake it, all the while realizing you can't fake it, you have to really feel it. I guess this is the time and the opportunity, and the poem you quoted so beautifully explains how.. TY!
I need to tape this to my wall:

quote:

---

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

---

posted February 20, 2009 11:17 PM            

:hugs: to you too.. Thank you for your kind words!

There was no way I could deal with all this and turn out a big presentation by Monday; the stress from all the work & the emotional explosion made me have a couple meltdowns & I couldn't breathe properly at times, with all the burdens weighing on me. I'm very glad I've bought some time - my defense is not something I'd want to go into feeling the way I do right now.

Say, weren't you aries-tiger, the brave woman who got out of a tough marriage & rebuilt her life? I remember that, because I had just then started to consider a divorce at the time too from a marriage that was terribly wrong, and I remember being inspired by the way you handled things. I've since gotten divorced too (what a release it was), gotten myself a job, resumed my PhD (which I'm about to finish), and well, this heartbreak is the biggest issue that's come up since then, but I'm already tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself. I guess I have to also get over the anger - all the times I should've stood up for myself but didn't - all that I naively sacrificed which I should not have.. God, I feel like such a fool!

I'm going to have to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get a move on. Any guy who causes me this much pain and doesn't realize it or apologize for it isn't worth my crying over.. I guess I've been to rock bottom emotionally, and I'm ready to begin the climb back up.

posted February 20, 2009 11:58 PM              

I now its easier said than done - been there ,done that - felt like my heart was being gutted with a knife.But i am a much happier and freer person than ever and he has grown wonderfully.He wouldnt be the freer , happier being he is if i hadnt let him free.

In Faith.

posted February 21, 2009 03:23 PM            

I'm blown away by your strength and I'm saddened to know you are hurting like this. I think there are few things in life more awful than the healing/questioning/hoping time after a breakup.

posted February 21, 2009 03:24 PM            

That being said...
forget that s.o.b.
write him a letter telling him all those things you told us and then leave him to deal with his own insanity. Take care of YOU. He isn't putting you first, he is putting himself first and it's no sin against spirituality to put YOURself first so you can reach the goals that will help you make the world a better place for yourself and others.
Get mad.
F him. (You know, F-orget him)

You've got stuff to do and people to see. Time to be yourself and reclaim the energy that was you before you blended energies with him. Keep what you want from him and toss the rest to the side and walk tall, Beautiful. If God/Universe brings him back there's no stopping it so don't think you have to sit around in pain "doing the right thing" to make it happen. You've done everything you could and as long as you tell him the things you told us (in a letter) you are done. Then it's time to focus on YOU.

posted February 21, 2009 03:29 PM            

tell him I was wondering if the problem was that he has suddenly discovered he was into guys instead of women (as opposed to being into both guys AND women which might still work out depending on how you felt about Aquarian style relationships...) and didn't want to keep leading you on

posted February 21, 2009 07:58 PM            

Yes, hon.. I do remember. I just didn't realize something like this would happen to force me to let go - I guess while I was trying to do that even a week ago, I still held on tightly to all those cherished dreams, to my feelings. Now they are being ripped out of me, so I have little choice but to let go, for the sake of my own sanity.

I will hang in there though, and have faith that there must be a reason behind it, some design to the Universe. I've realized I can't give up on that - on my beliefs; they are a part of me, and no one and nothing should change that (unless they are wrong or hopelessly outdated, of course).

posted February 21, 2009 08:20 PM            

Thank you for your kind words.. I'm sorry for what you're going through too, and hope it gets better for you. It is very hard when you continue to share the same space - it is much the same for me as we work for the same advisor at school (even though I see him only once a week with my full-time job taking up the other days elsewhere). What I've done is, I've moved my things out of the cabinet we shared, so I won't have to interact with him that closely, and have started to work in another office that just opened up down the hall. And I just may take a mini-vacation of sorts once I've gotten thru my defense.. Once I finish up, I won't have any reason to go in to school any more, and used to think how hard that would be, but now I guess it would be a good thing (though I'm not feeling that yet)..

As you were saying, I realize that I am having a hard time letting go fully just yet, but it is happening bit by bit. The thing is, I may go insane if I hold on as tightly as before now, because I would imagine in excruciating detail what he must be up to.. and that isn't healthy for me right now. I'm still not where I can picture my life down the road without him, because it's too many years of dreams, but I will take one day at a time. I don't have to think about the future yet, just need to make sure I can keep breathing & doing what I need to do on a daily basis..

I feel so childish for expecting an apology or regret on his part for hurting me, but I just feel that way because every time in the past that he was hurt, I was always there wanting to know if he was ok, trying to help him get through it. I guess I'm just a lame chick that cares too much - sounds like a talk show topic to me already.

posted February 21, 2009 08:45 PM            

You were right on in that he's been putting himself first for a long time now (nothing wrong with that), but I've also been putting him first for a long time, ignoring my own needs and hurt feelings. You know, I realized something today - it _never_ works if we don't make ourselves happy first.. The first time through in our relationship many years ago, he wanted to be with me so badly he was willing to sacrifice anything and everything though _I_ didn't require him or want him to do all that. He ignored his needs & any hurts in his pursuit of me. The second time through (this past year), I made the same mistake, and was willing to make sacrifices that would've not been right for me (even though he probably wouldn't have required it) and I had the same unhealthy level of obsession like he'd had before, and a drive to do whatever it took to make it up to him for hurting him in the past, that it blinded me to wounds I was acquiring in the process. I wanted to show him an unconditional love, only I went about it the wrong way and ignored my needs.

Only now am I realizing that it is probably best that we didn't go forward this time, because I would've given up too much. If at some point in the future, we are actually meant to work out, it will have to be in a relationship where we are on equal footing, and neither is trying to give up too much. Gosh, we sound so crazy to my own self now.. a couple of crazy fools. Perhaps it was best we were kept from hurting ourselves, until we come to our senses!

I'm looking forward to finding myself again - sometimes you lose yourself in the process of being in a relationship, and having a crazy life juggling work & school adds to the process.

And, Mystic, you're funny.. brought a smile to my face today! I wish he were gay.. that would be a slightly easier problem to deal with!

posted February 22, 2009 10:21 PM            

I need to do my homework and fast but this song keeps coming to mind every time you talk about giving things up for the other person. My old favorite local band used to cover it and I really respected those boys so I grew to respect the song. I think it applies to both sexes and I think we've all felt much of this, but I think the "spit me out" is more a man thing so I find it an interesting perspective and great advice. Just spit him out. Sometimes we just keep fighting and give up while still desperately promising forever. Just take a break and be you... and see what other doors are opening.

Why drink the water from my hand?
Contagious as you think I am
Just tilt my sun towards
your domain.
Your cup runneth over again.

Don't scream about
Don't think aloud
Turn your head now baby
Just spit me out
Don't worry about
Don't speak of doubt
Turn your head now baby
Just spit me out

Why follow me to higher ground?
Lost as you swear I am.
Don't throw away your basic needs,
Ambiance and vanity.

Don't scream about
Don't think aloud
Turn your head now baby
Just spit me out
Don't worry about
Don't speak of doubt
Turn your head now baby
Just spit me out

December promise you gave unto me
December whispers of treachery
December clouds are now covering me
December songs no longer I sing (x2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8Jurk6TUqI

If the song doesn't apply its because it was more a message to me than you, but it popped into my head the first time I read this thread and again when you talked about giving things up, ♥ like I guess I already said up there.

posted February 22, 2009 10:38 PM            

This is the one (below) I think is most important, the other two are just articles I had up on tabs and I am closing all of the tabs now so I can do homework. http://www.californiapsychics.com/articles/Features/3156/Real_Goals_Real_You.aspx
http://www.californiapsychics.com/articles/Newsletter/3159/What_Lies_Beneath.aspx

posted February 23, 2009 12:26 PM            

Some happy thoughts to add to all of our love sent to you...

(shhhh... don't tell the moderator...)