posted December 09, 2014 11:23 AM            

Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . .. .

Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.

Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.

Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.

Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.……………. at this point the husband started crying...

posted March 07, 2015 11:47 AM            

Dear Heaven: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

posted May 24, 2015 08:44 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Happy Dragon:
What do you call some of the most unlucky people in Britain?
~ http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/low/uk/7909561.stm ~

Runaway scooter carries off woman
~ http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/low/england/cornwall/7981904.stm ~

Viewpoint: Laughter in the dark
~ http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/low/world/middle_east/7976381.stm ~

---

I had a landlord once whose name was Dick Ache.

posted May 30, 2015 11:45 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by jwhop:

[b]Dog writes to Heaven

Dear Heaven: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear Heaven: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear Heaven: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear Heaven: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear Heaven: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear Heaven: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear Heaven: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear Heaven: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house, not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last two questions...

Dear Heaven: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

[/B]

---