posted April 01, 2009 09:43 AM            

Job application a 17 year old submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

posted April 01, 2009 10:40 AM            

quote:

---

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk

---

posted April 01, 2009 10:41 AM              

How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences:

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpios have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he's dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

posted April 01, 2009 10:45 AM              

ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?

TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.

GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.

CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process. OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.

LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.

VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.

LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?

SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough.
OR, thanks to one of our website visitors: None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--

posted April 02, 2009 08:27 AM            

"Scottish Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans it's easy...you look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter- pounder you know it's McDonald's" ~ Billy Connelly

posted April 03, 2009 11:30 PM            

This is by no means an exhaustive list

• Socratic kiss
  really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground.
  
• Kantian kiss
  a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.
  
• Kafkaesque kiss
  a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but ends up just bugging you.
  
• Sartrean kiss
  a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.
  
  
• Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss
  Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.
  
• Pythagorean kiss
  a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would find out about them and copy them.

  .
  

• Nietzscheian kiss
  "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."
  
• Epimenidian kiss
  a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.
  
• Grouchoic kiss
  a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not kiss him or her.
  
• Harpoic kiss
  shut up and kiss me.
  
• Zenoian kiss
  your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.
  
• Procrustean kiss
  suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the lips.

posted April 04, 2009 12:14 AM            

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people dies it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be 4 or 5 things wrong...have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many MicroSoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

Q: How many MicroSoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call before 2 PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box.

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user.

Q: How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

posted April 04, 2009 06:18 PM              

Runaway scooter carries off woman
~ http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/low/england/cornwall/7981904.stm ~

posted April 04, 2009 06:42 PM            

Justin Case
Barb Dwyer
Terry Bull
Paige Turner
Mary Christmas
Anna Sasin.
Stan Still
Rose Bush
Pearl Button
Jo King
Barry Cade
Carrie Oakey
Priti Manek
Tim Burr
Anna Prentice
Annette Curtain
Bill Board
Dr Leslie Doctor, Dr Thoulton Surgeon and Les Plack - a dentist in San Francisco.
Simon Swindells
Worzel Gummidge
Jenny Taylor (think about it)
Daisy Picking
Jim Hall
Esther Munday
Jo King
Ivy Plant
Sidney Harbour-Bridge
Hazel Nutt
Lotte Flack
Mary Lee

"My name was Susan Frame. I am a lawyer. I met and married Robert who is a banker. His surname is Mee. Now we are Sue Mee, a lawyer, and Rob Mee, a banker - ironic? I have taken no end of stick for this, believe me".

posted April 06, 2009 08:34 AM            

Dad says, well son, let me explain it to you this way. I am the breadwinner in the family so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we will call her Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her the Working Class. Your baby brother we will call The Future.

Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, rushes to his room to see what the problem is, and finds his diaper very soiled. He goes to his parents room and finds his mother fast asleep, not wanting to wake her he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peep hole to find his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning he tells his father "Dad I think I understand what politics is now."

The little boy replies, "well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep Shiite

posted April 06, 2009 08:56 AM            

• Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
  
• I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
  
• Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

• Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
  
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?
  
• Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
  
• Remember: First you pillage then you burn

posted April 11, 2009 05:06 PM              

btw : i couldn't view any of them .. ( software issues ) ..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

these characters are good for a laugh :-) ..
( not sure how it might effect the american funny-bone )
old series no doubt out on DVD ..

posted April 12, 2009 08:47 PM            

"Have Fun, Look Tidy"

EXTREME IRONING WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS 8 May 2002

Competitors are in training for the first Extreme Ironing World Championships, which will be held in Munich later this year. Events will include ironing while standing on a mountainside and ironing while on or under water.

What kind of sport is Extreme Ironing? The organisers explain...

"Extreme Ironing is a sport which combines the danger and the spirit of an extreme sport with boring housework you have to do. By Extreme Ironing the sportsman gets a great fitness and he is always looking smart.

Extreme Ironing calls on you to take your iron and your board to extreme places to iron your clothes there. That can happen on a mountain, in a forest, in lakes, rivers, etc, on crowded public places or wherever you like. There is no limit.

Extreme Ironing... is also dangerous. So you have to handle your iron very carefully and at the beginning it is a good advise to do Extreme Ironing at not too dangerous places. Just practise on not too steep slopes or in your backgarden. Do never ever Extreme Ironing on your own if you are not a professional. Otherwise you ask for danger. There are some protections for your arms and so on. Please use it."

The object of extreme ironing, which was apparently invented in Britain, is "to take ironing to the edge by demonstrating a spectacular or creative ironing style, whilst taking the creases out of your clothes".

The most amazing things are invented in the UK!!

posted April 16, 2009 07:04 AM              

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.

'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,