posted July 05, 2010 01:09 PM            

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

posted December 14, 2010 01:07 PM            

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

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posted December 30, 2010 10:56 PM            

Here are a few more!

37 Seinfeldisms

http://www.connectingsingles.com/article34/37-seinfeldisms.htm

"If I had a son, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer." - Kramer

"Nobody is sicker than me." - George

"It pains me to say this, but I may be getting too mature for details." - Jerry

"Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast." - George

"Yes, I admit I was speeding, but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved, and to be a banker." - Newman

"You know, a muffin can be very filling!" - Jerry

"The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation." - George

"I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems." - Kramer

"Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. That's a fantasy camp!" - George

"A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened to the Blob." - Jerry

"You want to know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell you why. Because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It reduces us to jungle law." - Newman (on cutting in line)

"I'd rather be dating the blind. You know, you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her." - George

"I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in." - Jerry

"I can do six weeks standing on my head. I'm a sexual camel." George (on abstinence)

"What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?" - Jerry

"If I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me." - Elaine

"You don't understand. A garage... I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?" - George

"The apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time." - Jerry

"Cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later. You never know. They've got things in their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what you've gotta worry about." - Kramer

"I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault. It's a vault!" - Jerry

"Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed." - George

"Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body." - Jerry

"Hawaii... The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to lick the stamps." - Newman

"She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon." - George

"You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm." - George

"I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her." - George

"I relate to George through you. We're more like friends-in-law." - Elaine

"I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot... You're toiling in virtual anonymity." - George

"Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted. You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me." - George

"Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than you. Now, even though the latter's obviously impossible, the former still applies." - Jerry

"They like to call it a set-up now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers." - Jerry (on blind dates)

"I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, this Marisa Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men." - George

"I don't think George has ever thought he's better than anybody." - Elaine

"When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy." - George

"Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way... 'It was a million to one shot, doc, million to one.' " - Kramer

"See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them." - Jerry

posted December 30, 2010 11:01 PM            

SEINFELD-ISMS

* What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

* What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

* Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

* Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

* Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

* Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

* If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

* Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

* Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

* Why is it illegal to park in handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall ?

* How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

* All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

* Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls uppa couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we reaIly think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer I can stop for coffee and a Danish

* Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

* Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

* Did you see these new mini-van ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddies seats and door. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suet, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.

posted December 31, 2010 02:25 AM            

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

posted February 22, 2011 11:10 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lei_Kuei:
Some of those are great

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Yes they are!

posted August 17, 2011 07:54 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Cancer/Scorpio729:
An interesting paradox I thought might be sort of relevant to the topic:

What would happen if Pinochio were to say "Right now, my nose will grow." If he were lying, his nose would grow, but then he would be telling the truth. If he was telling the truth, his nose wouldn't grow and he'd be lying.
Or maybe Pinochio explodes.

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